I think my big dog is breaking one of the commandments. Do commandments apply to dogs? He covets his neighbor’s wife. When we are out walking and meet Ruth, he knocks himself out to get her attention. When she brags on him in her special, doggy voice, his tail goes into overdrive. I have to dance around out stay out of its way to avoid bruises. He pulls hard on his leash trying to get to her, I guess he’s thinking she’s the kind of girl who goes for bad boys. He does super deep, open-mouth breathing blowing hot air out of his gigantic mouth. It sounds for all the world like the deep breathing on the old-fashioned obscene phone calls that cellular phones ruined forever for perverts. All the while, he’s dancing a four-legged jitterbug, the only time he moves that fast. At one hundred thirty- five pounds, he does serious damage connecting with your foot. When all else fails, he bows up and deposits a giant poop before her before kicking up a dust cloud. Turning subtly, he peeks to see whether Ruth is impressed. Sadly, she isn’t, striding off leaving clean up for me! It wasn’t even my love offering! In truth, he’s like a lot of males past their prime. In truth, he is like a lot of males past their prime, flirting right along despite being overweight and balding.
An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
Cow said “I’m a cow”.
Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunette got to the 900th step and laughed. The blonde got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t tell a joke.”
The blonde says: “I just got the first one.”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Woman, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest, “What did you do?”
Man, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Man, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi, “What did you do?”
Woman, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi, “How many times?”
Woman, “Once.”
Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Evening massage – 6 p.m.
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.
Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
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Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read more
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Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
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What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
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so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
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I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Related Searches
Related Categories
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…
The heroin worked a treat for me.
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.
The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi… read ore
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain
The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat…
The Doctor says “Hold on Quasi, hold on!”, “why are you wearing so many clothes?”
Quasi says he… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?
A Cairo-Proctor!
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
so a guy walks into te doctors office,
and he says “hey man, I have really bad back pain” the doctor asks why, and the guy says “Well I came home from work, to find wife in bed naked, and it was obvious there was another guy there, so I started looking. I go over to the window, and see a naked guy running down the street. so I grabbed th… read more
UPVOTE DOWNVOTE REPORT
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Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!
7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward. What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.
10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Though I most frequently talk about the amusing things our family experienced, of course there was another side. Mother is a lovely lady, cheerful, fun-loving, and totally centered on her family, still at ninety-six. She is and always was, scatterbrained, a trait she generously shared with her children. It provided comic relief in otherwise hard times and sometimes precipitated hard times. I know now Daddy was bipolar, though he never went off the deep end. As a young man, he was a binge drinker and gambler, though he gave it up to save his marriage. Before setting out to establish a farm in his early forties he was always hunting or hanging with his cronies. When I was a small child, Billy and I frequently got to tag along. It was heaven! Upon his return from work we rushed joyously rushing to meet him shrieking, “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home.” Then we’d likely be off for an adventure. Unfortunately, for his older two girls, Daddy made a point of establishing an emotional and physical distance as we approached puberty. He wanted no hint of inappropriate behavior in his family. God only knows how he was influenced by his early life.
About the time Daddy was nine, his sick father had moved into the home of his own mother. Suffering with a brain tumor, he lay abed for four years, unable to do anything for his poor family. That grandma wanted nothing to do with her daughter-in-law and the starving children. The fourth of seven, Daddy, along with his two older brother’s, took any work they could get, often for nothing more than the chance to put their feet under someone else’s table. Daddy said one day he chopped bushes all day for a bag of meal.
None of his father’s family wanted to be saddled with their ravenous appetites either. They were all struggling. Daddy told of helping his uncle with the harvest one late fall day. The three barefoot boys got there before daylight, hoping for breakfast. Their shoeless condition was not slovenliness. They’d have gladly worn shoes had they had them. Sadly, his aunt was plunging the breakfast dishes in hot water as they shuffled up to the back door. She’d had no intention of feeding them, shooing them out to the field with Uncle Robert and their cousins. At noon, Annie Mae sent one of her girls to the field with a bag of biscuits slathered with cold gravy and a jug of water. The biscuits were bland but filling, but the boys had been hoping for milk, and maybe a cookie or a pear
The weather turned about four that afternoon, a cold sleety rain. The hungry boys followed their uncle to the house, looking forward to a hot supper and a cozy bed for the night. Their mother wouldn’t be worried, knowing they were at Uncle Robert’s. Surely, Uncle Robert would hitch up the wagon and bring them home in the morning. They didn’t have shoes or coats! In the days before their Daddy got sick, they’d often stayed at Uncle Robert’s with their cousins.
Again, the heartless Annie Mae met them at the door. “You boys git on home before it gits any worse. Your Mama’s gonna be worried about you.” Aunt Annie made it clear they and their appetites had no welcome at her table. Uncle Robert gave them each a quarter and a tow sack full of the corn they’d just helped harvest. He sadly watched his nephews head to their poor home, clearly having had his orders. The shoeless boys cried with misery as they gingerly stumbled the long three miles home on frozen feet. Daddy vowed then never to turn a hungry visitor away. He never did. Mother was often angered when Daddy insisted she come up with a meal for drop-in company, even hours after mealtime. It’s surprising how often Daddy’s offer was accepted, especially by ne’er do wells. Meanwhile, Mother fumed at the stove. “Nobody with any raising would expect someone to drop in and be offered a meal!” Mother never had sandwich makings or quick food so a meal meant cooking.
On a further further note, the penurious Annie Mae made each of her own children raise heir own garden contributing to the family larder. She benefitting further, selling off the excess.
I preceded my husband into nursing by several years. I trained as an acute hemodialysis nurse and found myself suited to the work, enjoying the challenge and autonomy. Acute dialysis patients receive their care in hospital, going to outpatient dialysis centers when they are well. Naturally, patients on dialysis are not immune to health care problems experienced by the the rest of us. Unfortunately, they may be more complicated. Hubby’s early career was in the oilfield. Due to economic changes, he saw the writing on the wall and realized he’d need to retrain. He made the difficult decision to go to nursing school.
I’d trained and worked with many nurses coming from the oilfield. I knew Bud would do well. Like them, he was smart, technically savvy, accustomed to long hours, motivated, and happy to be out of the elements. Comfortable with exchanging exposure to mud and grease for bodily fluids, most did really well in acute hemodialysis, the intensive care unit, and the emergency room.
Since I was in hemodialysis and Bud worked on a Physical Rehabilitation Unit, we shared many patients. Of course, it didn’t take patients long to ask about our link. I am of a talkative nature, warm and friendly, greeting each patient by name as they arrived. Bud is friendly, but reserved. Hemodialysis is a typically a four hour treatment, so if patients felt like visiting, there was plenty of time for that. One grumpy patient must have wished I’d hush. When she got back to Bud’s floor, she asked him. “Is that your wife working down there in dialysis?”
“Sure is,” he admitted. “Did she take good care of you?”
“Yeah.” She admitted. “But she talks too much! And ever’ time I go to sleep she comes over and gits my blood pressure.”
“Well, I guess you better tell her she talks too much, but you do know she has to take your blood pressure every fifteen minutes, don’t you?”
The next time she came to me, I greeted her like always. “Good morning, Mrs. Smith.(not her name) Let me get you all settled in. Now you know I have to get your blood pressure every fifteen minutes, but I’ll try to keep quiet and let you get a good nap. I know I talk too much.”.
“You shore do.” she said. “Now, put a pillow behind my back, git me another blanket, a cuppa ice an’ switch that TV to “Price is Right,” Turn off that light.” With this, she nodded off. I didn’t wake her if I could help it.
Bud greeted her when she returned to his care. “How are you? Mrs. Smith. Did your treatment go okay today?”
“Yeah, but they keep it like a freezer down there. Git me some blankets an’ a cuppa coffee.” She snapped.”
“Yes ma’am, as soon as I get your vital signs. He got to work.
“Is that all y’all Betheas can do? Talk and git my pressure. Git me some blankets.” He did. I was happy for him.
“Before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, “Wow! Are those potato chips?””
“When I married my beautiful wife, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”
On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to my husband. “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
He answered, “Gold Medal Self-Rising.”
“My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Gramps. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Gramps when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.””
“My husband is wonderful with our baby, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed the baby for lunch?”
“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?”
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, “Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed the baby for lunch?””
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally got home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “I know you love me,” she said. “At least 70 people called and told me so.”
“The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.”
“That’s okay,” she said, taking it. “I have a husband at home like that.”
Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.
“Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.
“Of course I’m serious,” he said. “I’m on my bad knee.”
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Nutsrok 