Hilariously s post from Daily Atholian
KEITH M. CAGED, ATHOL PEACEKEEPER:
ELSIE WHAT-WHEN’S MOTHER COMMENTED:
ELSIE WHAT-WHEN’S FATHER SAID:
DR. LONG, ATHOL TOILET PLUNGER SPECIALIST:
DR. EYE, ATHOL SIGHT SPECIALIST:
TOILET PLUNGER ADVOCATE:
Hilariously s post from Daily Atholian
KEITH M. CAGED, ATHOL PEACEKEEPER:
ELSIE WHAT-WHEN’S MOTHER COMMENTED:
ELSIE WHAT-WHEN’S FATHER SAID:
DR. LONG, ATHOL TOILET PLUNGER SPECIALIST:
DR. EYE, ATHOL SIGHT SPECIALIST:
TOILET PLUNGER ADVOCATE:
Old Lady Borden was a saint! We had it on good authority, hers. She had been widowed longer than anybody knew. Hateful as she was, had I been her husband, I would have claimed to be dead, too. Though she was devout in another denomination, she was in attendance at our little country church every time the doors opened. Her own church was twelve miles away and she didn’t want to bother anyone for a ride to services so far afield. It was much more expedient walk a few hundred feet and stir up no end of trouble closer to home, inserting herself fully into all matters related to church business, be it financial, theological, or just some sinner in need of her hateful opinion.
Mother was very particular about our language. We would have never been allowed refer to Ms. Borden by the B word, but she turned a deaf ear when we referred to her as an Old Bat. Old Lady Borden played a vital role pointing out flaws that might have gone unnoticed for a while, a pregnant bride, a baby with a crossed-eye, a child who stuttered, a woman who’d gained weight, or was a bad housekeeper. She begrudged any good fortune coming to a neighbor, such as good crops, or getting a good job. They were “gittin’ uppity.” Should a church member appear too prosperous, they were probably “gittin’ in the c’lection plate.”
Old Lady Borden was the first to the home of the bereaved, making sure to crowd the younger women out at the kitchen sink, then complaining loudly about how “lazy them gals was. “ Any one unfortunate enough to be handed a drying towel would be treated to her acid tongue about what a pitiful job they were doing. Nothing excited her more than a tragedy. Long before the days of cell phones, or even many house phones in our rural community, the school principal got the word that Mr. Barnes, the school bus driver’s father had collapsed and died a few minutes after his daughter Becky left on her bus route. He got in his vehicle, hoping to catch up with her before she home and found a shocking scene. When she stopped to let off Old Lady Borden’s grandson, the old woman rushed out to meet her at the bus stop with the horrible news. “Becky, yore daddy just dropped dead. He’s still a’ laying out in the yard a’waitin’ for the coroner.”
Naturally, Becky and her young children were distraught. There were still a half-dozen other children, some of them relatives, on the bus who’d heard the whole thing. They became overwrought at hearing the news of Mr. Barne’s death. Becky had no idea how to manage till the principal caught up to comfort and relieve her. He had to finish her route with her and the upset children still on the bus, since there was no other way to get them home.
It was a shocking situation, but at least she had the pleasure of delivering the terrible news. She was the meanest Christian I ever met.
In college, I suppose I was just a bit slow to catch on when Bud and his cousin Freddie kept talking about a guy in one of their classes named “Doo Doo Bossier.” I was always hearing, “Doo Doo did so and so.” or “Wait till you hear what Doo Doo did now!”
As I was walking to class one day, I met, Judy, Bud’s cousin’s wife walking with another girl. She introduced us, “This is Becky Bossier. Her brother has a lot of classes with Freddie and Bud.”
I am friendly, if not too smart. “Oh, then you must be Doo Doo Bossier’s sister.”
She made sure I knew her brother’s name was Gerald. We never became friends.

Have you ever seen a happier face?
It was a perfect storm. I’d made up my mind not to take Mother to the garden center any more this summer, not that I have anything against garden centers. Mother is addicted to flowers, just like I am. She just isn’t strong enough to dig holes. In contrast, I’d never be able to convince anyone I couldn’t dig a hole. If I tried, they’d hand me a shovel and point me toward China. Anyway, I’m tired of digging holes. If all the holes I’ve dug this summer, in my yard and hers, were lined up end to end, they’d reach…..well, you know.
Anyway, one of my meddling sisters called one day last week and invited Mother and me to lunch. It sounded innocent enough. At the worst, I would only get stuck with her lunch ticket. Mother doesn’t believe in paying her own ticket when she dines with her children. I can’t say I blame her, after all the biscuits and gravy she’s cooked over the years. Connie’s husband generously treated us all to lunch. I had a wonderful time till somebody shot me in the foot.
“__________ has their plants marked down. Anybody want to stop by?”
Mother was the first in line. I was loading my buggy up when I heard Connie ask Mother.
“Is that all you’re getting? Get whatever you want and I’ll pay for it!”
“Nooooooo! ………..only if they sell the holes to go with them!”
Mother was deaf to my protests and loaded her cart. Connie went home proud of herself for being good to her mama. The checkout lady even gave her a lantana someone had left at the counter because she looked so cute standing behind that cart full of plants.
I took my posthole digger over a couple of days later and spent some time digging holes. If anyone else buys her any plants this summer, I will have to commit mayhem.
,Garden hint: Posthole diggers are great for digging holes for your plants!
Reblogged from Aunt Beulah
It pleased me when winter finally gave way to spring and children came out to play. As daytime temperatures responded to an insistent sun, young bicyclists, wearing smiles, swarmed outdoors and turned my neighborhood into a colony of happy bees.
Two sisters pedaled along the sidewalk: both in dresses with bows in their hair, both on bicycles with the shine of Christmas presents, and both singing in clear young voices. Joel and I, discussing the green shoots battling winter’s silt in our flowerbeds, stopped talking and listened. Riding together, singing together, the young cyclists echoed happiness back to us.
Then three pre-adolescent boys hooted derisively when a fourth, the last to try, attempted to jump his bicycle onto our curb and nearly toppled. Shrugging his shoulders, the youngster laughed, accepted their judgment, then pedaled after them ready to try again.
A helmeted child, relying on the security of training…
View original post 378 more words
Repost of an earlier post.
Being a farm kid is not for sissies and cowards. The dark side of the chicken experience is slaughtering, plucking, cleaning, and preparing chickens for the pot. I watched as Mother transformed into a slobbering beast as she towered over the caged chickens, snagging her victim by the leg with a twisted coat-hanger, ringing its neck and releasing it for its last run. We crowded by, horribly thrilled by what we knew was coming. It was scarier than ”The Night of the Living Dead”, as the chicken, flapping its wings, running with its head hanging crazily to one side, chased us in ever larger circles until it finally greeted Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. It looked horribly cruel, but done properly, a quick snap of the wrist breaks the chicken’s neck instantly, giving a quick death. Of course, this is my assessment, not the unfortunate chicken. The chickens always looked extremely disturbed.
Afterward, my mother grabbed the dead chicken, plunged it into a pot of boiling water, plucked the feathers, slit its pimply white belly, removed its entrails, cut off its feet and head, and prepared it for dinner. I was repulsed when Mother found unlaid eggs in the egg cavity and used them in cooking. That just didn’t seem right. I was happy to eat the chicken, but future eggs….disgusting. It kind of seemed like genocide, or chickenocide, to coin a new term.
Mother looked out one day and saw one of her chickens eating corn, oblivious to the fact that her gizzard was hanging out, bobbing up and down merrily as she pecked corn with all her lady friends. Apparently she had suffered injury from a varmint of some kind. Clearly, she wouldn’t survive with this injury, so Mother and I set about catching her. At least she could be salvaged for the table. Well, she could still run just fine. We chased her all over the yard with no luck.
Finally, Mother decided to put her out of her misery by shooting her. She missed. She fired again and shot the hen’s foot off. I knew I could do better. I shot her beak off, then hit her in the tail. By this time, we both felt horrible and had to get her out of her misery. Her injuries had slowed the poor beakless, tailless, gizzard-bobbing, one-leg hopping chicken down enough so we could catch her and wring her neck.
All chickens didn’t end life as happily. The LaFay girls, Cheryl, Terry, and Cammie raised chickens to show at the fair for 4-H, with a plan to fill their freezer with the rest. Late one Thursday evening while their widowed mother was at work, they realized tomorrow was the day for the big barbecue chicken competition. Mama wouldn’t be in until way too late to be helping with slaughtering and dressing the chickens. After all the time and effort they had put in on their project, they had no choice but to press forward without Mama’s help. They’d helped Mama with the dirty business of putting up chickens lots of times. They’d just have to do manage on their own.
Cheryl, the eldest, drew the short straw, winning the honor of wringing the chicken’s neck. She’d seen Mama do it lots of times, but didn’t quite understand the theory of breaking the neck with a quick snap. She held the chicken by the neck, swung it around a few times in a wide arc, giving it a fine ride, and released it to flee drunkenly with a sore neck. The girls chased and recaptured the chicken a couple of times, giving it another ride or two before the tortured chicken managed to fly up in a tree, saving its life.
Acknowledging her sister’s failure, Terry stepped up to do her duty. She pulled her chicken from the pen, taking it straight to the chopping block, just like she’d seen Mama do so many times. Maybe she should have watched a little closer. Instead of holding the chicken by the head and chopping just below with the hatchet, Terry held it by the feet. The panicked chicken raised its head, flopped around on the block, and lost a few feathers. On the next attempt, Cammie tried to help by holding the chicken’s head, but wisely jumped when Terry chopped, leaving the poor chicken a close shave on its neck.
By now, all three girls were squalling. Cheryl tied a string on the poor chicken’s neck, Cammie held its feet and they stretched the chicken across the block. By now, Terry was crying so hard so really she couldn’t see. She took aim, and chopped Henny Penny in half, ending her suffering. Guilt-stricken, they buried the chicken. Defeated, they finally called their Aunt Millie, who came over and helped them kill and dress their chickens for the competition, which they won. All’s well that ends well.


My granddog, Watson, managed a successful hunt, despite overwhelming odds. He found this plush toy beside a trashcan. After valiant pursuit, he was able to wrestle it into submission and drag its sorry carcass home. At last report, he was still standing guard over it.

In the shot above, Watson has slain an unfortunate football that landed in his yard from the schoolyard across the street. As you can clearly see, he has placed it in his food bowl in preparation for dinner. He is not a catch and release kind of dog. I am concerned that he will never be able to pass this ball even if he is successful in eating it.
In the shot above, you see Watson snoozing in the bathtub. He sleeps with his snout at the drain where his snores can be amplified throughout the house. He is like a two-year-old child. He thinks he should get a bath anytime anyone else does. Should they forget to lock the door, he pushes his way in to get in the tub with them. If he gets in before they dry off, he wants to lick water droplets off. He is not a good shower friend.
Our family gathered for the Memorial Day Holiday at my brother Bill’s home. He bought the family farm after my dad’s death. Naturally, the house has gone through lots of changes. We had no air conditioning, so we relied on open windows and the attic fan for cooling. The breeze it created helped some on blazing summer afternoons, but we could always cool off by lying on the cool tile floors. In fact, you’d wake up chilled After napping on the floor, even on a hot day. It was a pure pleasure to lie in bed covered only with a sheet and feel the draft sail over. Quite often, it would get so cool the fan had to be turned off before morning.
Our home place was known as “The Old Coker” place for the man who’d homesteaded it after the Civil War. It was originally one-hundred-sixty acres, a quarter section. At one point, the owner mortgaged forty acres to by a dynamo to furnish power to the house, and lost it to the bank when he couldn’t repay the loan. My brother was recently able to buy back that forty acres, so many years after it was at last intact. The house was built in the shade of three majestic oak trees. One of the heirs told Daddy he’d helped his father plant four oak saplings with he was just a little kid. The next year he was playing with a sling blade and carelessly chopped one of them down. He said his daddy wore him out. They never did get around to planting another. The three remaining oaks were past their prime when we moved there. Over the next few years, all three had to come down bit by bit. After my brother got the place, a tornado snapped off the last one, dumping it on the house. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and the house was restored.
A locust thicket had to be cleared where the house now stands before building. Those locust thorns could be an inch and a half long and easily pierced shoe leather. Worst of all, they could rotate and two thorns could go through a shoe, one through the side and another through the bottom, pinning the shoe on. There was no question of hauling a kid to the doctor every time a foot was impaled foot on a thorn. There as always one of us hobbling around with a foot wrapped in a rag waiting for a thorn to fester up and work its way out. Mother would have us soak our thorny foot in warm salty water several times a day to help the thorn work its way out. Sometimes, budget permitting, she’d wrap a piece of salt over the puncture wound. After about a week of misery and soaking, the thorn would come skeeting out with a rush of pus. What a relief…until the next time.
God help the careless kid who let Uncle Edward find out about a thorn. He was famous for going after them with a pocket-knife. He did do the courtesy of wiping his knife point in alcohol, then pouring the wound full of alcohol post-surgically. One year when the fair to town, Bill was determined to go, so he forced into on a shoe and close moved on the bus with the rest of the kids headed for the fair. He stomped around on that sore foot all day. When he got home and peeled the tight shoe off, the thorn had had enough pressure to come shooting out. When Bill saw it sticking out of the hole, he thought he was about to step on another thorn.
Free range was still legal in Bossier Parish in the nineteen sixties. That means live-stock was free to roam at will. Homeowners had to fence cows out of their yards. Drivers were at fault should they hit a cow meditating in the middle of a dark road at midnight. There were surprisingly few accidents. You DON’T want to hit a cow, horse, pig, mule, or goat. Farmers branded or marked their stock to identify them and tried to keep up with where they were grazing. It was common to hear two old geezers exchanging information about where they’d see so where they were grazingand so’s cows today. More than the ne was shot contesting ownership.
The point of that explanation was to lead into this burning story. Daddy didn’t get a yard fence built for a few months after we moved in. Late one evening, a group of cows gathered in the shade under the huge oaks and weren’t bothered at all by the house that had mushroomed since their last visit. We chased them off, but they ambled back after we’d we turned on the attic fan, turned out the lights and gone to bed. Not long afterward, gnats starting biting. It was horrible. The bites burned like fire. It turns out, the fan was sucking in gnats off the cows lounging the cool just outside our windows. The fan went off. Daddy set the dogs on the cows, and fired off a few shotgun blasts. The cows ambled off, taking their gnats with them. Mother sprayed the house with bug spray, and eventually we scratched ourselves off to sleep. Daddy got the fence up as soon as possible, but in the meantime, he trained the dogs to chase the cows off.

This barn stands behind the house now. The barn was the heart of the place when I was a kid. We were free to play in the barn in all weather, as long as we didn’t tear up the hay. We were never stuck in the house. Even in a cold, driving rain, we’d put on our coats and raincoats and head to the barn, where we stayed till Mother called us in. The dogs slept in the barn. We’d see them headed that way as soon as it was dark. Should a car pull up, they’d come barrelling out of the barn to check the visitor out.

Daddy had a nice stock pond built behind the barn. We were free to swim and fish in the pond at the end of our days of farm work. We’d never heard of contracting disease from pond water, so we never did. On occasion, a snake could be seen skimming across the water, but it didn’t worry us. They seemed to worry more about us than we did them. No one was ever bitten. Since my brother got the place, he’s built and stocked a second pond, which he generously allows the family to fish. You see my sister, Marilyn, here with a six and half pound has she snagged today.

It is nice to spend a day at home again. I am glad the farm stayed in the family. Thanks for a great day, Bill. Your daddy would be proud.
This is great.
For most of my life, the most important compliments I could have received would have been based on how I looked.
If someone complimented me on my looks then I would think hoorah, all the effort I put in is actually paying off. Then I realized that as long as I am happy with how I look, it really doesn’t matter what other people think of me. So, while it is always nice to be complimented on my looks our an outfit choice, these compliments no longer have such a great impact on my life.
The other day in work, a colleague, who I don’t see everyday but who I do see at least a couple of times a week, gave me the best compliment I have ever received. To be honest, I never thought that such simple words could have such a huge impact on me. My colleague came…
View original post 300 more words
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Your next read is just a shelf away.
Creative alchemy for the soul
Projects, Observations, Stories and Happenings
"Consider the birds of the air...."
Exploring the writing and inspirations of Elisa Weeber
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain
Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...