‘Is it just me, or does it also bother you guys that he eats animals crackers?’
The First Memoir: ‘Ok…it’s a pretty good story Noah. But I think it needs to punched up a little to make it marketable.’
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‘What are these for? You only bring me flowers when you’ve done something good.’
‘Son, your mother and I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve become some sort of twisted animal.’
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well. Please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my beautiful grandchildren, who I never see. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look anemic in their pictures, poor, thin babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. I know I’ll need them any day. Which reminds me — we buried Aunt Lucy last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? I am still suffering.
Well son, it’s time for me to drag myself to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take every year, though you never come see me. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love Always, Your poor, old mother
shamMother and I natter on incessantly. Yesterday we went to visit my aunt a couple of hours away. As we rode along, I was asking Mother more about the details of her early marriage at eighteen. She slipped up and confessed a tale she’s felt guilty about ever since. I couldn’t believe she stumbled and told on herself after sixty-nine years. She usually bumbles right away. To set the stage, you have to know she has a ridiculous conscience. If she suspects there is a rule somewhere, she is obligated to follow it, no matter how senseless. If she fails, she is required to feel guilty. That’s the rule.
Mother, married at eighteen. Within months Daddy moved her into the house with his widowed mother and her two daughters. They were poor and lived in a decrepit unpainted house miles out in the country, not the newlywed home she’d envisioned. To put the icing on the ruined cake, Aunt Julie with her two squalling brats had settled in as well. The house was uncomfortable, Mother felt unwelcome, Daddy was never home except to sleep.
The kids, two and four, whined without ceasing, unless they took a break to throw a fit. One day, she was alone in the room with them and was totally fed up with the whining. She told Yvonne, the oldest, “Stop that squalling or the Boogerman will get you!” To reinforce the lesson, she stepped into the next room, scratched on the door-facing and wailed “Wooooooooo!” The terrified kids shut up immediately.” From then on, when the whining started, she’d give them another little dose of Wooooo, if she got the chance when Aunt Julie wasn’t in the room.
“Why didn’t I ever hear this great story before?” I had to know.
“Because I felt guilty, I guess. I didn’t mean to tell it now. I’m still ashamed,” she confessed.
“Well, you should be. I am sixty-five years old and I could have been enjoying this story my whole life!”
SOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.
Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
bullet
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away ?
Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”
“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”
“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”
#2 Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S
hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”
#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?
A: Poopsicles
#4 Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
#5 Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”
#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs.
#7 Clever Dachshund
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…
“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
#8 Talking Beagle
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!’
#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put it in your back yard!
#10 Seeing Eye Dogs
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
#11 Bad Dog?
It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.
“It sure is,” the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally
the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”
Creation
An atheist scientist came to God and said, “We’ve figured out how to make a man without you.”
God said, “OK, let me see you do it.”
So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, “Oh, no you don’t. Get your own dirt!”
I Don’t Want To Go To Church!
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!”
“Why not?” asked his mother.
“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”
The Coin Toss
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend.
“I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby.
“But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend.
“Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”
The $20 and the $1 Joke
Two well worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired – a twenty and a one. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. “I’ve been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas , Atlantic City ,” he said. “I even want on a Caribbean cruise. Where have you been?”
“Oh,” said the one dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Episcopal church, the Lutheran church.”
“What’s a church?” asked the twenty.
Nietzche
A poster read: “God is dead” – Nietzche.
The graffiti underneath read: “Nietzche is dead” – God.
The Ham Sandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”
To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
How to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, “Here’s how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you’ve done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in.”
“Well,” says the man. “I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly.”
“That’s great,” says St. Peter. “That’ll be two points.”
“Hmmm,” says the man. “This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully.”
“Wonderful,” says St. Peter, “That’s worth another point.”
“One point!” says the man. “Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them.”
“Wow!” says St. Peter. “That’s another two points!”
“Only two points!” says the man. “At this rate, it’ll be only by the grace of God that’ll I’ll ever get into this place.”
“Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s one hundred points! Come on in.”
| WORLD’S BEST JOKES |
| The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Here they are: |
| Best Joke in the world | A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ |
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| Second Place | Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” |
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| Top joke in USA | A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” |
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| Top joke in Canada | When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil. |
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| Top joke in Australia | This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….” |
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| Top joke in Belgium | Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Why do elephants have flat feet?
|
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| Top joke in Germany | A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.” |
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| Top joke in UK | A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” |
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| Top Joke in England | Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” |
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| Top Joke in Wales | A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.” |
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| Top Joke in Northern Ireland | A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” |
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| Also Rans | Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.” Two fish in a tank.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !” Which day of the week do fish hate?…….
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| And, saved till last, my own favourite . | |||||||||||
| Top Joke in Scotland | I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers. |
Dear Auntie Linda, A man connected to my husband’s family asked us to keep their two-year-old while his pregnant wife was in the hospital, delivering a premature baby. Reluctantly, we agreed, since he said he couldn’t find anyone else. We were leery of getting involved since the couple was known to have a shady history, but felt we had no choice since the young man was desperate. The child was an angel and we actually enjoyed having him in our home. Unfortunately, the wife delivered a still-born infant. Upon discharge, they came by asking us if we’d like to have the little boy forever. They just weren’t ready for kids. We were unprepared and asked for a while to think about it. After a couple of days, they came back over, asking again to take the boy in our home. We would love to have the child, but are concerned that they will come back for him later when they’ve reconsidered, allowing us time to fall hopelessly in love with him. We want the child but don’t want our hearts broken. We aren’t wealthy people. Legal fees would be a hardship, but would like to try to adopt. What do we do? It’s not likely things will go well for this little guy with parents who want to give him away. Love the baby
Dear Love, I wouldn’t get involved in this situation without legal custody of the child. You and the child are likely to be involved in a game of tug of war or possibly extortion. I agree, the situation looks bleak for the child. Ask the parents to allow you to adopt and surrender their parental rights before you go any further. If you suspect abuse or neglect, notify Child Protection. You can easily get in over your head and the child might be an emotional hostage. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My father-in-law, Ben, is a jerk. He frequently hit my husband during his childhood. He drinks heavily and smokes in the house. My mother-in-law, Mavis, is a very nice lady and loves our children dearly. She has asked that the children, aged three, six, and ten be allowed to stay overnight with her and Ben. My children have spent the night with my parents at time or two, but we don’t have concerns about discipline, smoking or following the rules at their house. We just can’t take a chance of having the kids around Ben and don’t want the kids in a smoking home. How can we be fair to Mavis and protect the children? Mama
Dear Mama, Your responsibility is to your children. Tell Mavis that you aren’t comfortable having the kids stay overnight in a smoking home. That alone is enough reason. If Masie wants time with them, she can come see them at home or take them to the park. You are the parent. Stick with your guns. Auntie Linda
Email your problems to ask Auntie Linda lbeth1950@hotmail.com
Please excuse the offensive word used in context in this story.
Rosie was beautiful, the first black woman I ever knew. She tolerated my stroking her creamy, caramel-colored legs as she washed dishes or ironed. Her crisply starched cotton housedresses smelled just like sunshine. Normally, I trailed my mother, but on the days Rosie was there, she couldn’t stop suddenly without my bumping her. Rosie ate standing up at the kitchen counter with her own special dishes while I ate at the kitchen table. I wanted to eat standing at the counter with her but wasn’t tall enough. One day as we ate, she told me she had a little girl. Pearl was three years old, just my age, Three years old. I was enchanted. “Is she a nigger girl?” Rosie’s face fell.
“Don’t say ‘nigger.’ That’s a mean word. Say ‘colored’.” I was surprised Rosie corrected me, not knowing I’d done anything wrong. I was also surprised to hear “nigger” was a mean word. I’d heard it many times.
Rosie said no more. I was relieved when she seemed to have forgiven me, soon allowing me to hug her and stroke her beautiful, smooth legs as she worked along.
It was years before I realized how deeply I’d hurt her. I am so, so sorry Rosie. I wish I could unsay that awful thing.
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Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
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Let’s fix it
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Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
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Nutsrok 