Twenty-five dollars doesn’t sound like enough to change a life, but for me it was. I was the second of five children and desperately wanted to go to college. Fully understanding my family’s financial situation, I knew they couldn’t help me. My older sister was in her fourth year, an exemplary student and model of decorum, she’d Continue reading
Nosey Old Biddies
My two grandmothers were a lovely pair. Saccharin sweet to each other, they sat with veiled claws, looking for a chance to swipe at the other.
Grandma: “Well , you looking healthy. I believe you put on a few pounds.”
Maw Maw: “No ma’am. My weight’s been falling off some. I got some old dresses I was gonna offer you, but ‘pears now they might be too little for you.”
GM: “Your’s would be way to big, but I don’t need ’em anyhow. My son took me shopping and bought me six dresses when I was out at his house. He could have just bought me a bus ticket, but he wanted to come get me in his new car. It sure is good to see your kids doing good, isn’t it? Did your girl, Bettie’s, husband ever get a job after he lost that one last time I was down here? Now isn’t he the one who drinks a little?””
MM: “None of my kids drinks. You must be think in’ a’some o’ yore folks. Jack’s moved to a job makin’ twenty more a week. My young’uns might not’a gone to college like yourn, but they all got good jobs. I brought a cake. I know Pore Ol’ Bill loves a cake an’ Kathaleen don’t have him something sweet ever’day like I always did!”
If not interrupted, this could go on indefinitely, trading swipe after swipe. Mother tried to intercede if she heard Grandma might be about to hit the motherlode, ferreting out just how long Cousin Yvonne was married before the baby came or discover that Cousin Ross was in the pen for robbing a filling station. Should all else fail, Grandma could hit us kids up for tidbits of information that could be stitched together to satisfy her curiosity.
MM: b
Joke of the Day
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor ‘what did you do on Earth?’
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, ‘you may go in.’
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her ‘you may go in.’
St. Peter asked the third man, ‘what did you do?’ The man hung his head and replied, ‘I ran a large HMO.’ To which St. Peter replied, ‘you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.’
Where Babies Come From
I have two younger sisters born seventeen months apart. I was about eight when Connie came along. Mother had told us she was expecting, but since I wasn’t interested in babies, I quickly put it out of my mind, not think thinking much more about it. I even socked one of my cousins for saying my mother was pregnant. I thought it was an insult like “trashy” or “low class.” I was shamed to no end when my aunt confirmed that my mother was indeed “pregnant” and the word meant “expecting.” Not only was Mother “pregnant!” She’d put me in a position to humiliate myself.
I found Connie very cute and entertaining once she got old enough to play. Always happy to play with her, I’d forsake her as soon as she cried or needed a diaper. Phyllis was a “little mother” and could care for Connie as well as Mother. When Connie was a year old, Mother and Daddy announced a second baby was en route. By now, I’d picked up a little misinformation and knew baby production involved the two of them. They’d “done it” though what “it” involved was very foggy. They’d alway said if I had any questions, come to them, so one day when Mother had her friends over for coffee, I asked if they’d had to do “it” more than five times to get five children. This clearly wasn’t the type question she meant. I guess questions about Sunday School were more to her taste. She invited me to mind my own business and not ask any more questions.
What???
I had a sobering experience today. I was looking for baby diapers in the store today. When I asked for assistance, the store employee pointed me towards the Depends!
Oops, Did I Say That?
For a while when I was a kid we had the Sailor Bill Show, a low budget afternoon kid’s show featuring Sailor Bill and his sidekick Polly Parrot. Everyday Sailor Bill showed a couple of cartoons, interviewed some kids in the audience, talked to Polly Parrot, told a few jokes and made some effort to entertain us. Continue reading
Genie Joke
Joe was walking along the beach whe he found a dusty old bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie came pouring out, “”I will grant you a wish, anything you want, but just one wish.” Continue reading
Welcome Home, Baby
Mother had said she was having a baby when I was about eight but I wasn’t particularly interested in babies, So didn’t think a lot about it. I didn’t make the connection when when Daddy took us to spend the night with Miss Myra, one night. I think we were supposed to spend the night with Aunt Julie, but she’d gotten sick and couldn’t keep us, Continue reading
The Model T and Potholes
Mama held me tight on her lap in the backseat of Uncle Herb’s old Model T Ford as we bounced toward Clarksville, bound to spend the Fourth of July with Grandma and Grandpa Perkins. She was worried I’d fall out the window, though how I’d have managed it was a mystery to me with the death grip she me in. John sat next to the other window, a box with several quarts of Mama’s pickles and fresh tomatoes rattling between us. Daddy stayed behind to milk and take care of the garden. I don’t think he minded not going to Grandma’s at all.
In 1934, only a red-dirt road ran four miles between Cuthand Creek and Cuthand. Rutted and often impassable in winter. It was riddled with huge potholes in summer, a real obstacle course for the battered old Model T Uncle Herb had just acquired. We were delighted to see him and it, since he was the first in the family to own a car. Dust fogged up about a half-mile from home when the car bumped into a pot-hole and rattled to a stop. When it wouldnt start again, he lifted the hood, finding a
part had rattled off. Looking behind us, he found the part, replaced it, and off we went. This obviously wasn’t the first time it had worked loose. The threads were stripped nearly bare. After the next big bump, the same thing happened. He found the part and screwed it back on, though he knew it wouldn’t hold long. It didn’t. Not thirty feet down the road, it fell off again on a moderately smooth section of road. He left the left side of the hood up, had Uncle Dave sit on the right fender and hold the part in place as he slowly navigated between potholes the rest of the way in to Cuthand, where he could make some repairs. Mama kept a watch behind as Dave clung perilously to the fender while trying to keep the car running. It was a long four miles into Cuthand.
Nutsrok 
