Footloose and Fancyfree (Part 2)

True - Wedding Dresses for Pregnant Women

Even though the occasion of Bobo and Inez’s marriage preceeded my birth by a few days, Mother has told me the story so often, I feel I was there. Bobo showed up with his bride just hours after they married. No doubt, he was proud of her. He was twenty-seven; she, fifteen and visibly pregnant. Now, he’d be arrested. Quite a buxom lass, she was lovely. Mother was surprised they’d dropped by for a social call so soon after the wedding, since she’d only met Bobo once. She learned a lot in the next few minutes, as Bobo announced they’d be spending the next few days. “We just run off. Inez’s mama was pretty hot ’bout the baby. I reckon she’ll let me fix up Granny Ada’s old house on her place once she finds out we married. I can pull some boards off that ol’ barn o’ hearn ‘n it ain’t gonna cost her nuthin but a few nails and some wire to cover the winders. We jist need a place to stay till we git ‘er cooled off. She ain’t gonna let this here gran’baby do without.”

Daddy was fine with that. They had plenty of room.  There was a sofa in the living room not spoken for. Mother’s baby might not come for a few days. Phyllis still slept in their room in the baby bed. Bobo and Inez got the fold-out couch in the minute living room. The tiny three-room house was cozy. Since Mother was overdue to give birth, I don’t think the sounds of noisy sex coming from hers and Daddy’s bedroom were likely to have disturbed the guests, considering her feelings, at the time. From what Mother said, Bobo and Inez probably couldn’t have heard anything over the enthusiastic noises in honeymoon suite. The walls were like paper. Bobo and Inez seemed very happy in their marriage.

Mother dreaded facing them the morning after. Daddy had gone to work out the back door to give them privacy. When they came out to breakfast, Bobo laughed and said, “Inez looked and looked, but she can’t find her buzzeer(hick for brassiere). Ha! Ha! Ha! Where’d y’all hide it?”

Mother was mortified he even thought they was might have been sneaking around anywhere the cavorting newlweds. “I don’t know anything about it. I know Bill never moved. Once he goes to sleep, he’s dead to the world. I’ll help Inez hunt it.” They tore the living room up, moving all the furniture. The search was fruitless. Inez went braless for the next two or three days, years ahead of the trend. Years later, when the living room was remodeled, the impressive brassiere was found between the walls. Apparently, a lecherous rat had paid them a visit during the night.

to be continued………

Don’t Play with …..

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Bud and I compared notes on our sex education back in the fifties.   “Oh yeah, I got one sentence.  ‘Quit playing with your goober.’ ”

I think I got sex uneducation instead.  Mother kept us under her eagle eye.  “You kids play here where I can see you.”  Should we get quiet while playing, she’d be on us in a heartbeat to breakup any attempts to investigate  or “play doctor.”  Believe me, we did not get play doctor kits.  Despite my best efforts, I rarely even got a chance to peak at a baby boy having his diaper changed.  When I finally did get my eyes on the prize, I came away thinking girls were plain and boys were fancy.  Mother was so modest that when my brother and I were toddlers we bathed together in our underwear.  I was probably in school before I bathed in the nude.

Pregnancy didn’t exist.  Women “were expecting” instead, but that was mentioned in whispers only to ladies.  I don’t know how men ever got the news.  The television snapped off instantly if a woman went into labor.   Had to get my sex education the way God intended, from my equally  ignorant friends.  I learned some amazing things from my friend Margaret Green.  She matured early, getting breasts and starting her menses at ten.  Until then, it hadn’t occurred to me that the same calamity might befall me.

Margaret eagerly shared her amalgam of misinformation with me.  Women got pregnant (not expecting) when a man climbed on top of her in bed and peed on her.  The baby breathed through the mother’s belly button.  If she was submersed, the baby would suffocate.  A girl could get pregnant sleeping with another girl.  The baby had to be cut out of the mother.  I’m sure there was much more.  I just remember the important parts.

I must have been crazy.  I went straight to more with Margaret’s wild tales, sure she was lying.  Mother was so mad Margaret opened Pandora’s box.  She had no choice but to give me the very most basic explanation.  I was so disgusted upon learning the mysteries of life.  “That’s awful.  I am never getting married!”  That was fine with Mother.  However, I was relieved to find out that there would be no peeing.

I can’t imagine how my mother had five children as much as she disapproved of sex.

Joke of the Day

Mike met his badly battered friend Bryan at the bar one Saturday night.

“Faith and Begorrah, man.  What happened to you? ”

“Mike McGarrity came at me with a baseball bat and caught me with no way to defend myself.”

image“Good heavens, Bryan.  Don’t you know better than to let yourself get caught with nothing in your hand!”

“Well, I did have Mrs. McGarrity’s breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it is, but not of much use in a fight!”

Joke of the Day

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

I’m Excited!

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

I get excited every year when I visit my oldest and dearest friend in Virginia. We worked together for many years and had the kind of relationship that never wavered. She had my back just as I had hers. All these years later, if I really need comfort, she’s the one I call. My heart lifts when her name pops up on my phone. That time is coming again! I am planning my fall trip!

Monogramed Toilet Seat

My mother often said, “If you have kids, you can’t have anything else.”  Well, she was wrong.  We had a new toilet seat.  After installing it, Daddy looked around, stared us down, and threatened.  “I’d better not see anybody’s initials on this seat!”  Where did that come from?  I’d never heard of anybody putting initials on a toilet seat.

I went about my business, that toilet seat and  initials, foremost on my mind.  I wrote LDS in my “Night Before Christmas” book, LDS in the sand under the big shade tree, scooped up some mud and wrote LDS on the dog house. Still unsatisfied, I heated the ice pick on a stove burner and burned LDS on a green Tupperware tumbler.

Feeling strangely unfulfilled and restless, I couldn’t think of a thing to do.  Billy was off somewhere playing with Froggy.  Mother and the baby were taking a nap, so if I stayed in the house, I had to be quiet.  I slipped in the kitchen to see if there was any Kool Aid miraculously left in the pitcher.  No luck. Dejected, I went to the bathroom.

There it was calling to me, pristine in its unblemished beauty.  The new toilet seat!!!  I sat down, my bare bottom luxuriating in its cool smoothness. I got up, locked the door, and turned the seat up. Making sure no one was looking through the window, I got Mother’s eyebrow pencil out of the medicine cabinet and wrote LDS in tiny letters where no one would ever see it.  Terrified, I erased my crime.  The finish was dull from pencil smears. My heart pounded!  I was caught!  I got tissue and buffed it off.  Thank goodness the shine was back.  Relieved, I sat on the side of the bathtub to catch my breath.  A nail fell out of my pocket and clattered to the bottom of the tub.  Never has the devil so possessed a soul.  Grasping the nail, I scratched BRS, Billy’s initials, on the toilet seat.  Horrified, at the enormity of my crime, I tiptoed past the room where Mother and the baby still slept.  By this time, Billy and Froggy had gotten back.  We were throwing mud balls at each other when I heard a shriek from the house.  “BILLY RAY SWAIN!!  You come here this minute!”  I didn’t need to go in to know what was wrong.  I heard “Spat! Spat! Spat!” and in a few minutes he was out, still snuffling.

“What happened?”

“Mother whooped me for putting my initials on the toilet seat. I told her I didn’t know how to write but she said, ‘Who else would put your initials on the toilet seat?’ “

How long could it be before she found the Tupperware?

Kids

Jokes

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.”

The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”.

The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?”

“No” says the boy, “But he minded his own business.”

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: “Please pass me the honey, honey”

Then the Englishman requests: “Please pass me the sugar, sugar,” to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers “Pass me tha’ milk, ya cow!”

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, “I’m sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving.” The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, “Between you and me, how did it taste?” The man replies, “It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal.”

“My Mama Said!”

One of the most terrifying phrases to come out of the mouth of a a child is. “My mama/daddy said.”

A mom told her kindergartner, “I didn’t put a lunch in your backpack. You are going to be picked up before lunch.”

When the little guy got to school, he told his teacher,”I don’t have a lunch. I can’t eat at school.”

Four-year-old Hayley listened in on Mom and Grandma. Grandma realized she was in the middle of a story she didn’t want getting out. “Hayley, I don’t want you to repeat anything you hear us say.”

Reassuring Grandma she understood discretion, Hayley replied. “Don’t worry Grandma . Mama talks about you all the time and I don’t tell you!”

From a three-year old boy learning to potty from his dad. “Cool penis dad!”


The same boy exiting the bathroom:  “There’s a lot of turds in there!”


My three-year-old son advising his father:  Don’t let Baby Sister in the bathroom with you.  She’ll pull your penis.  Ain’t she rude!”


The same boy to an older deaf neighbor:  “YOU CAN’T HEAR THUNDER!”  Of course he’d heard this from his father.


From my daughter standing behind a portly lady in line at the grocery story.  I gave her a look and shushed her when she tried to comment.  The lady turned to walk away and my little one chimed out,  “I sure was nice not to call her a big, old, fat lady, wasn’t I, Mommy?


My niece:  “Boogers taste like pickles.”  I told my daughter and my little grandson spoke to himself, “I like that girl.”


I told my first grade teacher, “My mama said she wouldn’t take a sick dog to Dr. Jones.  She bristled, “I’ll have you know my father is a very good doctor!”  I couldn’t wait to get home to tell Mother.
 

Footloose and Fancy-Free (Part 1)

overalls 2

Cousin Bobo was footloose and fancy-free, unperturbed by the economic responsibilities of four children in three years. He doted on his child-bride, Inez, living quite happily with her and their family in an old unpainted, farm house on her mama’s place. Despite his aversion to a regular work schedule, he and Inez managed fine. There was no power to the house, so no bills, the wood stove and fireplace sufficing for heat and cooking. The house was abandoned when they moved in, so he tacked wire over the open windows to keep varmints out, shuttering the windows for bad weather. Mama was real proud he did the right thing and married Inez, so she wasn’t about to stir up trouble, especially after the young’uns started coming. Bobo plowed and planted Mama’s garden, later helping get the peas picked and corn cut. Except for the few days he spent plowing, and cutting firewood, he fished and hunted every day. He happily peddled watermelons and turnip greens out of his old ’49 Ford Truck. They never ran short of game or fish. Sometimes he’d help a neighbor butcher a beef or hog, bringing in extra meat. He wasn’t averse to helping family with a little painting or carpentry work from time to time, as long as it was understood that his labor included a few days’s hospitality for his family. He kept Mama’s freezer full. That along with Mama’s chickens and eggs, the cow’s milk and butter kept them going just fine. Getting clothes for the kids wasn’t a challenge. Inez was the youngest of six spectacularly fertile sisters. Their cousin’s hand-me-downs were plentiful. All those little blonde tykes lined up in overalls year round was awe-inspiring. Most of the time, they wore shirts under their overalls in winter. Plenty of old tennis shoes lay casually around, should any of the kids decide they needed footwear. Some even had mates. Size wasn’t an issue. Should a shoe be too big, it worked fine to slide-style and let it flop. The kids weren’t partial to shoes anyway, unless they were picking around in a trash dump with old cans or broken glass. Shoestrings were scarce, but I never noticed anybody really looking for any.

I loved it when Bobo, Inez, and the kids showed up. Mother wasn’t always so enthusiastic, figuring they had run out of groceries and needed a place to roost for a few days. They did seem more likely to show up in bad weather, when a warm house was a comfort. Sometimes they’d stay a few days with this relative, a few with that one, moving one before the tension got too thick. 

Mother complained about relatives giving them gas money to help them down the road to their next hosts.  I know I saw her slip Inez a little of her grocery money once, after Daddy went to work.  They moved on.  We ate gravy and biscuits till Daddy got paid the next Thursday.

to be continued