advice

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, I am a sixteen-year old girl. There are four of us children.  My parents insist we attend church services with them twice on Sunday and on Wednesday night.  If one of them is sick or can’t go, we all still have to go.  We have to line up the seats like a bunch of dopes and sit together.  I hate going to this crazy church and don’t share their outrageous beliefs.  This isn’t even a regular church, my grandpa just stands around in in old store on Sundays and lectures us about how to act and what to wear.  It’s mostly about women leading men into sin and “thou shalt not……”  I wouldn’t go, but if I stay at home I have to go to church.  I love my mother and the little kids, but could do without Dad if I had somewhere else to go.  What is a kid supposed to do if their family makes them go to a “nut church.”  Hate it!

Dear Hate it!  It depends entirely on what kind of “nut” things the church believes.  If your church is involved in sexual, psychological, emotional, or physical abuse, this goes beyond the limits of acceptable.  No one should be forced to have sex or be suffer abuse.  The role of religion is guidance and edification not control.  You may have to put up with the churchgoing until you are on your own if there is no abuse involved.  If you feel a line is being crossed, talk to someone outside your family or church.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, With the Christmas season coming up, I realize again I don’t have normal feelings.  I have never felt love and attachment for anyone or anything.  I have felt angry if I have been mistreated, but that is a measurable emotion, since it involves breaking a rule.  When I see couples together, or people expressing affection toward a child or an animal, I feel mystified.  I have no more desire to pet an animal than a brick.  I don’t feel sad or lonely; I just feel nothing.  I do what is right, but I feel no need to share with anyone.  I follow society’s rules, but don’t feel involved.  I do a good job at work everyday, eat dinner at the same place every night, watch TV or listen to music.  I am pleasant to my neighbors, because it helps life go smoothly, do don’t have any desire to know them.  I exercise to stay healthy.  When I hear people getting fired up about things, I wish they could be reasonable.  Am I the only person who feels this way.  Maybe a Machine

Dear Maybe, I am sure you are not.  I am glad you aren’t happy and live a good life.  Many people don’t do that well.  Auntie Linda

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

 

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my husband and I had four boys, all high-achievers.  We raised them all in church and they all did well in school and participated extracurricular activities.  Three of the four did well and became adults we can be proud of.  Our third son, Evan was always the “wild” one.  Though he did well in school academically, he was always in trouble.  He was invited on vacation with family friends and sneaked alcohol along when he was just thirteen.  I have no idea how he got it since we didn’t have alcohol in our home.  We had to go get him.  All through high school he made opportunities to get in trouble.  He did finally get through college, by the skin of his teeth.  He got several DUIs.  He abused drugs and alcohol until he was recently arrested for the fourth time.  This is breaking our hearts.  Why on earth would a kid who was raised right make such a mess of his life?  We still love him, but don’t expect anything to change. Giving up on Evan

Dear Giving Up, Evan does seemed to have closed every door opened to him.  Who knows what drives people?  Though your heart is breaking, it it time to let Evan do with his life what he will and go on without allowing him to  manipulate you.  He will make it or he won’t, but his history wouldn’t make me expect much good in his future.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I married young and had a large family right away.  I have always felt inferior to my siblings who both went to college and had impressive careers.  I was a stay at home mother.  My five children are grown and married with children, my husband is retiring soon, and I still feel embarrassed not to have gone to college.  I could take classes now, it would be ridiculous to do it when we are enjoying the freedom to travel and enjoy our retirement.  I do hate to grow old without ever having distinguished myself.  Regrets

Dar Regrets, Raising five children is no small accomplishment, but you might be more satisfied if you worked for a cause you believe in.  There are worlds of volunteer opportunities that are worthwhile and don’t involve a huge commitment.  Auntie Linda

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Talk from a Straight Shooter

 

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda,  I have two girls, age seven and nine.  Their father and I divorced amicably six years ago when he realized he was gay after several years of marriage and could no longer live the lie.  He moved a couple of hours away and has the children summers and for the Thanksgiving holiday week.  He and his partner share a home where the girls visit frequently.  We are still close and he and his partner always spend Christmases with us so we can all celebrate together.  I remarried four years ago and we all consider ourselves family.  My parents, strict Christians, are livid and believe homosexuals are doomed to go to Hell.  They refuse to have anything to do with Scott and Joey, his partner.  My parents rant against Scott, saying he is a bad influence and the children shouldn’t be around him.  I invited my parents to Christmas with the provision that they not talk or act in a way that would upset our family Christmas.  They are insisting that the children “know the truth.”  How do we handle this?  We have never openly discussed homosexuality. One Big Family

Dear One Big Family, Children need love not contention.  I congratulate you on keeping the girls best interests at heart.  It is your business how you raise your children.  We need to treasure our families, not draw lines.  I am sure it was obvious to the children a long time ago “who loves who.”  You parents are entitled to their beliefs, but don’t need to impose them on others.  We don’t get to decide who and how others love.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  Steve and I have been friends more than thirty years since we went to first grade together.  He married Helen and we all remained good friends.  Though I dated numerous women over the years, I never settled down.  Last year, when Steve found out he was dying of cancer, he asked me to look after Helen since she’d need help to run their large cattle operation.  Helen is a wonderful woman.  I love her and would like to marry her except for the fact that  I’ve always wanted children of my own.  Helen had a hysterectomy after her second boy was born.  The kids are four and two.  I love the boys dearly, but don’t know if I could ever be satisfied not having my own child.  Helen knows how I feel and would be happy to adopt.  Would I be wrong to go into a marriage if I am not sure?  Hopeful but Worried

Dear Hopeful, Nobody is assured of happiness, even in an apparently perfect situation.  You might marry someone else and still not have children.  If you marry this woman you already love, you will have two, and there is always the chance to adopt.  A baby is just a baby, no matter where it comes from.  Auntie Linda

Ask Auntie Linda, Straight Answers from a Straight Shooter

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda, I am a twelve-year-old girl.  My mother left me with my grandma when I was born.  I lived with her till she died.  After that, I had to move in with my mother’s older sister.  She has four kids in a small house and they don’t really have enough of anything to go around.  I don’t know how they’d make it without the money they get for taking care of me.  My cousin is seventeen and kind of snotty, but I love the three little boys.  My cousin Jody and I are supposed to be taking care of them when Aunt Cindy works nights at the nursing home but Jody usually disappears into her room or slips off with her boyfriend.  I do like the school and am doing well.  My mother showed up last week and wants me to move in with her.  I’ve always wanted to live with Mama, but am worried because she’s always off here and yonder, usually following a druggie boyfriend.  She says she and Bobby(the boyfriend) are going to get jobs and at a factory a couple of towns over and get a place so I can l live with them.  Bobby creeps me out, but maybe Mama can get a place for just us.  I’d have to change schools and don’t want to do that.  What should I do?  I am kind of scared to leave Aunt Cindy’s even if it is crowded.  Good Girl

Dear Good Girl,  It won’t hurt to stay at Aunt Cindy’s.  It’s safe even if its crowded.  Don’t put too much stock in Jody being snotty.  Sisters say the same thing about each other.  It’s a bad idea to move in your mother’s boyfriend’s house.  Give her a chance to get a job, work a while, and get a place of her own before you even consider it.  Life is very stressful and her situation is unsettled.  What’s the hurry, if you are okay?

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four and have four children.  I live next door to my oldest.  The other three live a couple of hours away, so they don’t get over too often.  Louise, the oldest takes care of everything I can’t.  Her husband fixes my roof, changes the oil in my car, and treats me just like a mother.  I have very little money, so that won’t be an issue.  I do worry over how to divide my belongings.  How can I be fair and still express appreciation?  Poor Mama

Dear Poor,  Why not ask the daughter who helps the most if there’s anything she’d like to have before the rest is divided.  Let her pick one special thing.  If it’s something you can part with now, it might be good to let her have it now so you can see her enjoy it.  The others don’t have to know.  How you divide your things is your business.  Auntie Linda

email your questions to Ask Auntie Linda lbeth1950@hotmail.com

 

Ask Auntie Linda, Excellent Advice for the Heartsick.

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Dear Auntie Linda, A man connected to my husband’s family asked us to keep their two-year-old while his pregnant wife was in the hospital, delivering a premature baby. Reluctantly, we agreed, since he said he couldn’t find anyone else.  We were leery of getting involved since the couple was known to have a shady history, but felt we had no choice since the young man was desperate. The child was an angel and we actually enjoyed having him in our home.  Unfortunately, the wife delivered a still-born infant.  Upon discharge, they came by asking us if we’d like to have the little boy forever.  They just weren’t ready for kids.  We were unprepared and asked for a while to think about it.  After a couple of days, they came back over, asking again to take the boy in our home.  We would love to have the child, but are concerned that they will come back for him later when they’ve reconsidered, allowing us time to fall hopelessly in love with him.  We want the child but don’t want our hearts broken.  We aren’t wealthy people.  Legal fees would be a hardship, but would like to try to adopt.  What do we do?  It’s not likely things will go well for this little guy with parents who want to give him away.  Love the baby

Dear Love, I wouldn’t get involved in this situation without legal custody of the child.  You and the child are likely to be involved in a game of tug of war or possibly extortion.  I agree, the situation looks bleak for the child.  Ask the parents to allow you to adopt and surrender their parental rights before you go any further.  If you suspect abuse or neglect, notify Child Protection.  You can easily get in over your head and the child might be an emotional hostage.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, My father-in-law, Ben, is a jerk. He frequently hit my husband during his childhood.  He drinks heavily and smokes in the house.  My mother-in-law, Mavis, is a very nice lady and loves our children dearly.  She has asked that the children, aged three, six, and ten be allowed to stay overnight with her and Ben.  My children have spent the night with my parents at time or two, but we don’t have concerns about discipline, smoking or following the rules at their house.  We just can’t take a chance of having the kids around Ben and don’t want the kids in a smoking home.  How can we be fair to Mavis and protect the children?  Mama

Dear Mama, Your responsibility is to your children.  Tell Mavis that you aren’t comfortable having the kids stay overnight in a smoking home.  That alone is enough reason.  If Masie wants time with them, she can come see them at home or take them to the park.  You are the parent.  Stick with your guns.  Auntie Linda

 

Email your problems to ask Auntie Linda lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Rest Your Weary Head: Uplifting Advice for the Heartsick

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,  I will be alone again this Thanksgiving.  I am estranged from my toxic family.  I don’t have the warm memories most people associate with holidays.  Holidays at our house were just another day for my parents to drug, drink and fight. My only brother died of a drug overdose three years ago after years on the street.  I’ve never been able to make real friends because of my mental illness, so there’s no need for me to expect an invitation.  I barely get by on my minimum wage job, so I’ll be eating Ramen Noodles, again.  I get so discouraged this time of year seeing all the Happy Holiday hype knowing I’ll be alone again while everyone else celebrates.  Alone Again

Dear Alone, Even if you aren’t invited to a family dinner, consider working at a community or church outreach.  Serving side by side with other volunteers would give you a feeling of community and give you something to share.  You might strike up friendships and wouldn’t be alone.  Holidays are really hard on people who are discouraged and lonely.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We get so much pressure from our families at Thanksgiving and Christmas spend the holidays with them.  There is no way we can see everyone.  We don’t have the time or money to travel to visit both sets of parents.  When Joe told his parents, they offered money for plane tickets.  We are arguing over this now.  In the first place, it is not fair to spend extra holidays with them just because my parents can’t afford to make the same offer.   Besides that, it’s not just the money.  Travelling on holidays is so hard.  I would rather visit some other time.  I definitely want to spend Christmas at home so we can have our own family traditions.  How do you make families happy? Pulled Like a Ragdoll

Dear Pulled,  The family you need to take care of is your own.  Decide what you want to do and let people know.  “We have decided to spend this year at home and visit you in June.”  “We will spend Thanksgiving with Joe’s family this year and you next year.”  “It’s too hard to travel at Christmas and we want to have our children at home for Christmas from now on.” Stick together and don’t expect everyone to be happy.  They won’t die and if they do, it won’t be your fault.  Auntie Linda

Address your problems to lbeth195o@hotmail.com

 

 

Rest Your Weary Head: Uplifting Advice for the Heartbroken

victorian angel

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a first-grade teacher in a small town.  One of the major problems my students face is hunger.  It is not just the children of homeless or jobless people who face hunger on a regular basis.  So many working parents simply do not make enough to provide sufficient food for their families.  If they qualify for free lunch program, at least they get that meal, but come to school hungry and go home in the afternoon to families who can’t consistently provide enough food, not to mention, nutritious food.  If families qualify for food assistance, they will very likely run out before the end of the month.  Churches and food pantries help, but they are facing funding issues as well.  I see hunger in children’s faces every day.  I keep a supply of low cost, nutritious snacks I can slip to a hungry child on the sly, but my budget is limited and I usually run out before my monthly payday.  Friday afternoons toward the end of the month fill me with dread.  It breaks my heart to see little ones going out who will miss their milk and school lunch over the weekend.  I encourage those of your readers who can afford it to contribute packets of nutritious snacks to your school.  It would help little guys so much if teachers could make an opportunity to pass them out to little ones who can’t learn because they are hungry.  Teaching the Hungry

Dear Teaching,  It is a wonderful idea to ask parents or those in the community who can to contribute.  It would be easy enough to have a snack drive or ask parents to add a packet of snacks to their school supply list, if they could afford to do so.  This would also be an excellent community service project.  Maybe the idea will catch on if you ask your school to promote it.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My only sister has one child, a nine-year-old daughter, who is extremely spoiled.  My husband has always said he’d “love to straighten her out.”  Granted, Megan is a brat.  She whines, is selfish, and has a smart mouth.  Last week Annie called asking to speak to Bill.  She told him she and her husband have a chance to go to Paris and asked if Megan could stay with us for two weeks.  I am not surprised she asked him.  She knows he is domineering and knew it was her best shot, knowing I’d have to talk to him about it anyway.  He’d agreed and it was set up before he hung up.  Bill is not a patient man.  He angers quickly and acts before he thinks.  I know having Megan here will be a disaster.  Our kids tiptoe around him, but Megan will be wide open, since she’s never been disciplined.  She doesn’t even flush the toilet when she’s done.  Bill looks at this like a project.  He is going to straighten her out.  How in the world do I get out of this?  Annie’s Sister

Dear Sister.  Call Annie and tell her your home is not a fit place for Megan.  While you are at it, look hard at your situation.  It doesn’t sound like your home is a safe place for your children either.  Children have a right to grow up free of fear.  They deserve better.  Auntie Linda

Rest Your Weary Head: Uplifting Advice for the Heartbroken

Auntie LindaNovember 23, 2015

Dear Auntie Linda,  Robert and I divorced when our kids were two and three and he left me for a doctor in his medical practice.  We shared joint custody till two years ago, when I went out of town on vacation.  He moved across the country to his old home town where his father is a judge and his brother a family practice lawyer. Filing for custody there on grounds of abuse since the three-year-old sustained a broken arm while in my care.  Joey had fallen off the swing at daycare.  They called me and I took him to the ER. The move and custody action were a done deal by the time I found out. I ended up with only supervised visitation.  I’ve been able to meet them at the park twice and his grandmother invited me to visit them at her house the last two visits, since she genuinely loves the children and feels they need a relationship with me.  She holds the family purse strings and Robert dares not oppose her.

Since this happened, I worry about losing my relationship with the children, since I can’t afford the travel expense more than twice a year.  The expense is a challenge for me on a teacher’s salary.  Joey still remembers me, but Susie doesn’t remember living with me, since she was so little.  I am just the Mommy who visits at Grandma’s house and brings presents.  I applied for a teaching position there, thinking I could see the children more often, but Robert got word of it and blocked me through friends at the schoolboard.

I feel hopeless, but Robert’s grandmother does allow me to send the children gifts and cards to her home.  She allows me to visit with them by phone and video.  What can I do to unravel this mess when I am buffaloed by a powerful family?  Cut Out of Children’s Lives

Dear Cut Out,  In view of this situation, there may not be a lot you can do.  Thank goodness, Grandma wants to children to have a relationship with you.  Hang in there.  Keep visiting as often as possible.  Children want and need both parents.  One day, the situation will turn around, especially if the children ask after you.  Hopefully, their father will bow to their requests when they can express themselves.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, My son teenage son died three years ago.  In addition to the grieving, I have become isolated.  People seem to think death is contagious.  Many of my friends change the subject if I bring his name up in conversation.  It’s not like I dwell on my loss when I am in a group, but if friends are touching on a topic that relates to him, I would like to be able to mention him in passing, such as passing on a funny story.  Just because he died, doesn’t mean he never existed.  Please pass on to your readers that they shouldn’t avoid people who have suffered a loss.  You don’t have to duck around to keep from saying the wrong thing.  You don’t have to say anything.  A kind look or a warm hug means the world.  I know you are sorry for my loss. Just don’t cut me out because your are uncomfortable.  If you want to talk about their lost family, just ask if it makes them uncomfortable.  They might be grateful.  Let them drive the conversation and just listen.  Miss My Boy

Dear Miss, You have given some good advice that could help a lot of people.  I’ll bet your boy was something special.  Auntie Linda

Email your questions to Auntie Linda at lbeth1950@hotmail.com

 

Ask Auntie Linda

Auntie Linda Dear Auntie Linda,  I have two children thirteen and eleven.  My ex and I have been divorced four years and have shared custody of the children with no problems ever since.   I recently remarried and am pregnant.  My new husband Ron was just offered a great job and wants to move across the country, meaning I would only be able to see my children summers, holidays and an occasional long weekend.  I don’t want to leave the older children, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime for Ron. I worry Ron will blame me if he misses out on this opportunity.  Would it be wrong to ask Ron to pass up this chance?  Torn Mama

Dear Mama, There is no one and only opportunity for anyone.  It won’t ruin a person’s life to pass up an opportunity since they are most often made, not found.  You and Ron can make choices.  The children can’t.  I would never encourage a parent to choose to accept a lesser role in their children’s lives to advance a career.  Yours and Ron’s first responsibility is to the children, all of them.  Ron knew you had children when you married.  You have the rest of your lives to focus on other things.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, I am fifty-two, divorced, and have a good job, but my kids are ruining my life.  My thirty-year-old son works, but won’t move out of the house, though I have repeatedly told him he and the three big dogs who have ruined my furniture have to go.  My younger son is twenty-four and has moved his girlfriend and their two children in.  He works, but doesn’t help with the bills, since they need the money for pot. His girlfriend doesn’t take care of the kids are clean up behind them.  My daughter moved away with her boyfriend and left her nine-year-old daughter, Vessie with me.  I don’t want to throw Vessie out, but the rest need to go.  How can I get grown kids out of the house when they just refuse to go?  Flop House Mama

Dear Floppie Mama,  It’s good those kids aren’t paying rent.  Since they aren’t tenants, they have no legal status.  If you are serious about wanting them out, give them a date and tell them you will call the police if they don’t move.