Dear Auntie Linda,  There is no solution for this problem since the die is cast, but I need to vent.  My in-laws have always been very distant and made it clear they don’t care for some of their children or grandchildren.  Before his death, my father-in-law Bob and mother-in-law Louise established a trust for the division of their property.  Louise  encourages her son Bob to disown two of his daughters.  She has told me and Moe she doesn’t want one of our daughters around.  Bob’s wife has been going through Louise’s house for years, accusing the rest of taking valuable antiques.  Believe me, Louise wouldn’t let anybody get away with anything.  We live next door to Louise.  Moe and I take her to church, the grocery store, to the doctor, and everywhere else she goes unless, one of my daughter’s gives us a break.  Moe goes down every morning to cook her breakfast and give her insulin shot.  Last year, when he worked her cattle and sold them for her, she said she’d divide the proceeds between him and one other brother, who didn’t help at all.  It never happened.  Louise is a miserable, divisive person.  She uses us all to her advantage.  She is hinting that everything to my ten-year-grandson, who says he wants to be a farmer, cutting out two children and seven children.  I do hope she makes some effort at fairness, since she has spent her whole manipulating and destroying relationships. Disgusted Daugher-in-Law

Dear Disgusted, Don’t hold your breath.  People are likely to want to hold as much power as long as possible.  She will be able to punish and control as long as her children live depending on how she divides her property.  That is a lot of power.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, I am sixty-four years old. My in-laws have always been a thorn in my side.  I have spent endless days babysitting when my sisters-in-law were sick, had abandoned their families, or just had better things to do. (My husband’s offer, not mine)  His brothers or cousins moved in with us when they fell upon hard times.  My husband often loaned money without consulting me, causing our family to do without.   After my husband died ten years ago, I didn’t bother to keep us with his family, though I have turned down a few requests for loans.  My adult son is obsessed with his father’s memory and family, calling me frequently to update me on their family news and encouraging me to rekindle family relationships, even though he frequently can’t make it to gatherings for our side of the family.  Recently, a sister-in-law invited me to her birthday party, which I attended.  When I told my forty-two year-old-son I was going, he cried, saying he was so happy “the family was getting back together.”  Why on earth would a forty-two-year old man be obsessed with cousins and aunts, while showing little interest in his mother, sisters, and his own children?  Puzzled Mother

Dear Puzzled,  I think you just answered it.  He prefers that side of the family, since he misses his father.  It is likely the conversation focuses on experiences he enjoyed and talk of his father and good times they experienced. It is not likely he was impacted by the impositions you experienced.  Likely, he had a great time if extra kids were in the house.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I have visited Great-Aunt Virgie every summer since I was a child.  She still lives alone in the little mountain valley cabin where she raised her family.  The cabin needs a lot of work or it will fall down soon.  She is now eighty-six.  Summer before last, we noticed she was slipping a little and called us by the wrong names a lot.  Our last visit was very worrisome, though she never left her stove on or appeared to get lost.  She is getting paranoid, thinking her neighbor of forty years is trying to steal her tobacco lease and did try to cook some sausage that was off.  When we went upstairs to go to bed, mice had gotten into the upstairs bedrooms and the beds were covered in rat pellets.  A window had fallen out and the rugs had molded.  My husband repaired the window, leaky toilet, porch steps, put a new gas line on her stove.  Hers was leaking and she was turning it off at the wall every time she got through cooking.   We cleaned the house from end to end, outfitting the all the beds in fresh bedding.  She wouldn’t let us throw the moldy rugs, so we took them out, beat them, and sprayed with disinfectant.  My husband did some much needed plumbing repairs in the kitchen.  We worked non-stop for two weeks.

We talked to my cousin.  He has since taken her to live with him and his wife.  Great-Aunt Virgie wrote us recently, letting us know Cousin Robert will bring her back home whenever we are ready to visit.  We never intend to go back there after that last miserable trip.  We told her we’d get a room near Cousin Robert and visit, but she is insistent.  How do we handle this?  We don’t want to go to her house again.  It’s sure to be in worse shape if she’s been gone for months.  Reluctant Guest

Dear Reluctant, Talk to Cousin Robert.  Let him know you won’t make it to her cabin this summer, but would like to get a room and visit her there in his town.  Once you’ve made sure he knows the plan, you can write and let her know you can only stay a couple of days and will take a room near them.  Don’t let Cousin Robert mess you up.  He might want you to do more repairs.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  I moved in with a friend while I was still in high school.  My mother is toxic and my father has a serious brain-injury.  I moved out because his behavior was inappropriate.  He had no sexual-inhibitions and grabs any girl or woman within reach.  He said whatever crossed his mind.  Even though he was a wonderful father before his accident, that man is gone.  Life with him was way too stressful.  I had to leave to save my sanity.  My wedding is coming up soon.  I want a story-book wedding.  My mother wants to reconcile.  I don’t want her or my father anywhere near me.  My mother is threatening to show up with my father, saying it is her right as a mother.  I haven’t seen her or my father in six years, though my cousins say nothing has changed.  My mother is still horrible, behaving like a total witch when she is crossed and my father is no better than when I fled home.  My life has been so much better without any contact.  I can’t go back into that hell and don’t want my wedding ruined.  Am I horrible to be planning to leave them out.  What do I do?  Orphan By Choice

Dear Orphan,  If you fear your mother will intrude bringing your father, maybe you should consider having a destination wedding with only a few guests you can trust not to break your confidence.  No one has to know your plans.  People do that all the time.  Auntie Linda

 

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a widow on a fixed income.  My only daughter Megan is thirty-two years old.  Despite her two degrees, she has never had a job, though she puts in applications frequently, but only applies for professional positions in her field.  She never gets up before one in the afternoon.  I know she is not drinking or doing drugs, since she never leaves the house.  She just stays up all night.  Though I am her mother, I have to admit, her appearance and personality are a big part of the problem.  She wears a size twenty-two, has sloppy hair and grooming, and chatters nervously.  If I were hiring, I probably wouldn’t choose her.  I won’t live forever and am worried she will end up homeless since we struggle by on my retirement check.  Do you have any advice for me?  Near Penniless

Dear Near Penniless,  I know you are worried.  Things don’t look good for Megan.  It is time for her to take whatever she can get.  It is better to be an underemployed at a low wage than be an overqualified unemployed person. Is there anyone besides you who could talk to her?  Goodwill Industries has an excellent job training and job skills program.  She needs to talk to them.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My eighty year old mother just moved in with me and my husband, not because she needs help, but because she didn’t want to invest in her aging house at her age.  She gets along fine and doesn’t require assistance.  The problem is, I don’t really feel comfortable leaving her alone when we go out of town.  She still drives and in her old community, she had friends in for coffee every day.  We live in a more rural area and don’t even know our neighbors. If she had trouble, she might not be found.  I have four siblings who say they’d be glad to have her for the weekend when we leave, but somehow, it never works out.  It’s always a bad weekend, they have other plans, or they have to babysit the grandchildren.  I worry when she is alone, even though she has a cell phone.  What can you suggest?  Mama’s Girl

Dear Mama’s Girl, Let your siblings know they need to take a turn.  Give them plenty of notice of your plans and tell them it’s up to them to work it out between themselves, otherwise you will pick one and take Mama over there yourself.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, Our daughter Becky is bipolar and has been married three times.  She and her first husband David have two children of whom David has sole custody.  We all live in the same small town.  We loved David and welcomed him as a son. He has always come for all holidays since he has no parents and considers us family.  We were devastated when Becky left him for another man.  She has been very unstable, in and out of relationships and more or less dropped out of family activities after her marriage to David broke up.  She just married #3 about a month ago.  He seems okay, but time will tell.  The problem is, Becky has asked us to ask David to just drop the children off so she and #3 can celebrate with “just family.”  We refuse to do this, since he is the primary parent and the children have never celebrated without him.  Also, he is extremely generous at sharing the children with us, letting them visit any time we ask.  We can’t afford to jeopardize our relationship with the children just to please her.  Becky is furious, saying we’ve chosen David over her.  She says she won’t come if David is there. What do we say?   Torn

Dear Torn, When two people have children, they will have a relationship for life, like it or not.  The children’s needs are most important.  Tell Becky, “Dinner is at noon just as planned.  Hope you can make it!”  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Lnda, My husband and Mother dislike each other.  I am caught between them.  Mama picks for information about family, and he responds hatefully.  I am caught between two difficult people.  They complain to me about the other.  I have come to dread Mama’s visits.  Sometimes, I would like to pinch both hands off.  How do you handle two ornery people.

Dear hate it.refuse to get involved,  they probably  won’t notice.

Dear Auntie Linda, Several of us were having coffee together, as we often do in the mornings when two women started discussing a mutual friend, saying, “You’re not going to believe what Brenda did.”  She looked around at the rest of us then whispered, “I’ll tell you later.”  The two of them frequently refer to private conversations, ensuring that the rest know they are best friends.  Two of us got up and left immediately.  Why would women in their sixties do this?  Insulted

Dear Insulted,  I guess they never got grown.  I’d let them know I was leaving so they could enjoy some “private time.”  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse.  My friend,who is also a nurse is in the last stages of breast cancer, has stashed pain medications.  She plans to overdose when her pain is bearable.  She has asked me to be with her.  I cannot bring myself to do this since it is against my beliefs.  I am concerned that I am responsible since I know she plans to end her life.  Should I tell her family or doctor.  Soul Searching

Dear Soul, Tell your friend that you can not go against your conscience.  Ask her to talk to her family and doctor.  No one would want a friend to feel they have imperilled their soul.  After that, it is out of your hands.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My father died last year at the age of fifty-two.  He was an excellent provider and left Mother adequately provided for, if she is careful.  They lived modestly, but well.  They married while they were in college and Mother never finished her degree.  She has never had to work outside the home.  Dad paid all the bills.  The problem is, Mother never learned to manage money.  I am concerned that she will run out of money at the rate she is spending.  She has taken three cruises, donated $10,000 to her church, and is now remodeling the house.  When Dad knew he was dying, he asked me to help Mom manage her money.  I have tried to sit down with her, make a budget, and go over a long-term plan with her.  She really needs to get a part-time job to make her money last and keep her occupied, but she wants no part of it.  How can I reach her?  No Brakes on Spending

Dear No Brakes, This is worrisome.  Assuming your mother is also in her fifties, she will need to plan for a lot of years.  If I were you, I would remind her that your father asked you to help her plan and go ahead and do a simple outline projecting how much money it will take to sustain her should she live thirty years.  Keep it as simple as possible.  Who knows if she will listen, but she probably doesn’t want to have to sell the house and belongings at some point and just squeak by on social security.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, The kids, age fourteen and eleven,  who live across the street are at my house all the time. Their mother works nights as a psychiatric nurse.  I’ve heard her screaming at them.  Lately, they have been coming for breakfast and coming here straight after school, staying for dinner most nights. Their father gets in about six but they don’t go home till after seven when their mother goes to work. I am happy to feed a hungry kid.  Both kids tell me their mother locks them out because they make too much noise when she’s trying to sleep and has put locks on the cupboards because they eat too much.  What do I do?  Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,  These children are neglected and abused.  Report this to child protection.  I am glad you look out for them.  They need a friend.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I work in Human Resources and broke my own rule.  As a favor to a dear cousin, I asked the manager of another department to look at a his son’s resume. To clarify, I did not ask the other manager to hire or even interview, just look at  Joey’s resume.  There was no policy against this.  It happens all the time.  Joey had an excellent resume and interviewed well.  There was an open position for which he seemed a good fit, so the other manager  hired Joey.  I asked Joey not to mention our relationship at work, even though we are no closer than cousins.  I was unhappy when, Joey told everyone we are related, though we have different last names.  Before long, Joey was sharing family stories at work.  Needless to say, I was offended.  I called Joey after work, asking him to refrain from bringing my name and any family business at work.  Within months, Joey was arrested at on charges of dealing drugs and theft at work.  I am mortified, wishing I’d never heard of Joey.

It was a high-profile case on the news.  The next day, knowing the rumor mill would be buzzing, I went to my office and held a staff meeting, letting everyone know I was aware what was going on with Joey  and gave them a chance to ask questions, feeling I’d rather deal with the situation head on than have to dread whispering.  I got a few questions till people lost interest.  The point of this story is, don’t ever help an acquaintance or family at your own expense.  It is very likely to bite you.  Once Bitten

Dear Once,  I agree with you 100%.  I have suffered a similar embarrassment.  Best to let everyone look out for themselves.  A good candidate can stand on his or her own.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My son-in-law is in prison for sexual assault and second-degree murder of my daughter.  I have custody full-custody of their small children and have moved away so my grandchildren can  start over in a community about three-hundred miles away and avoid the notoriety of their father’s crime.  They are now three and four, and are starting to ask about their dad.  The other grandparents make it clear they feel he is not guilty.  They have made the trip to visit the children twice since his incarceration a year ago.  I know the children will have to deal with the situation one day, but want them to be a little older.  The four-year-old remembers both his parents and knows his mother is dead, though is unaware his father murdered his mother.  He just thinks his dad is sick and had to go away for a while.  Both children love their grandparents and I know they need family.  I have allowed them have supervised visits, but now they are petitioning for unsupervised visits in their home.  I am terrified they will let something slip. What do I do?  Hiding out

Dear Hiding, I know you don’t want anything to slip out, but these children will learn the truth one day.  The best you can hope for is damage control.  Talk to a family therapist. If the court hasn’t appointed an advocate for the children, ask that one be appointed.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am a seventeen-year-old boy and barely squeaking through high-school, even though I am working very hard.  I manage to get Cs even though I can barely write, but I know I am smart.  I can fix a car, repair a lawn-mower, and do all kinds of repairs on anything that breaks down around the house, mechanical, plumbing, or just plain repairs like windows.  I am a good kid, just rotten at math and reading.  I want to have a good life and make a living?  What can a person who can’t make it in college do?  Not the right kind of smart

Dear Not, There all kinds of smart.  I suggest you check out technical training like welding, plumbing, heating and air conditioner, or engine repair.  There are plenty of technical jobs and an opportunity for anyone with drive, ambition, and the desire to succeed.  A good work ethic might be your greatest asset.  Don’t undervalue that.  If I’d had to depend on my math or computer skills, my children would have starved to death.  I used to wonder the same thing you do, knowing my greatest interest was reading.  I thought writing was too big a hill to climb.  Go for it!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother interferes with everything we do, inserting herself into every situation.  “This is the way we always do it.”  We never have a holiday without them, even if my parents come from out of town.  She butts in on decisions about the children, even discipline, and how we manage our money. She even criticized the way my mother dressed in a mixed group after her last visit.  My mother was dressed perfectly appropriately, just not up to my MIL’s standards.  I’ve told my husband I need his support when his mother interferes but he refuses, blowing it off, saying, “That’s just how Mother is.  Don’t let it worry you.”  I am starting to hate my MIL and am furious at my husband.  How do I get him to support me.  Underdog

Dear Underdog, Tell your husband all you just said, letting him know you will no longer tolerate his mother’s interference.  Let him know in no uncertain terms that he must support you.  If he waffles, next time your MIL interferes feel free to say, John and I have agreed to……….. , and the subject is closed, isn’t it John.  If she persists, refuse to discuss it any further, even if you have to excuse yourselves, or tell her the visit is over, you will see her soon.   Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My mother is the guidance counselor at my high school.  She is loved by the kids, parents, and teachers.  She is bubbly, fun, and goes to bat for everyone, especially the popular kids.  Sometimes she buys shoes or pays fees for students who need it.  She flips the switch on her personality when she gets in the car on the way home, tormenting me about my weight and calls into me a slob.  She is cruel and cutting.  I am not the cheerleader type, just an average girl, not fat or skinny.  She makes it clear I am not good enough.  As soon as she gets home, she starts gets a drink and gets on the computer.  She doesn’t spend any time with me or my brother, screaming “I’m sick of kids.  Leave me the h— alone.”  My dad can’t walk through the room without her jumping on him.

She makes our lives miserable.  What makes her be so mean at home and so sweet at school?  She loves everyone but her family.  Cheated out of a Mom

Dear Cheated, I feel for you.  Sounds like your Mom is better at superficial relationships. She sounds narcissistic, more concerned about herself than her family.  I don’t know what say except to stay close to your dad and brother.  You all need each other.  auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am twenty-four and planning to be married soon in a big traditional wedding.  I saw my father at a restaurant with one of my mother’s friends last week.  I don’t believe he saw me.  Now, I am worried sick.  I always thought my parents had a happy marriage.  I don’t know what to do.  Do I ask my father about this or just let it go? Shocked

Dear Shocked,  Tell your father what you saw.  There may be a good explanation.  Auntie Linda