Dear Auntie Linda, My father died last year.  He and my mother owned two homes.  Mother doesn’t want to live alone in a distant city since Dad died.  She moved into the apartment attached to my home in rural Tennessee.  She gets along really well and my family and I enjoy her company.  My three small children love having their grandmother here.  Mother is only sixty-two and in excellent health.  She wants to sell her two homes, one in New York and one in the Bahamas and build a house nearby.  Two of my siblings are furious that she wants to sell “their inheritance.”  They are both single with no children and believe I am using my children to influence Mother.  They are making her miserable.  How do I convince them I don’t have a finger in the pie? Spoiled Siblings

Dear Spoiled, Your mother will have to handle this.  If I were in this position, I’d remind the all my children that I planned to live awhile and need home now.  When I am dead, they will get whatever I feel the deserve in my will.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband has started attending a  bizarre fundamentalist church.  He contributes way over what we can afford.  I have attended this church and feel it is cult-like.  I told him I want nothing to do with it.  Last Sunday, he came home telling me he is entering the ministry, selling our house, and moving into the church compound.  He has always been too dominant but now he is moving toward irrational.  What do I do  I don’t work and have small children.  I don’t know if I can make it on my own.  Not Churchy

Dear Not Churchy,  Talk to a lawyer.  You can go to legal aid if needed.  Sounds like you need to have a plan.  Women make it all the time who think they can’t.  Best the heck out of trying to escape from a cult and then figuring out how to make it on your own.

Email Auntie Linda  lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a fourteen year-old girl with parents in a miserable relationship.  My father is verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom and us kids.  She can’t stand up to him.  Frankly, even if she tried, he’d out out-shout and out-argue and overwhelm her with cruel remarks about her family, her habits, any old wrongs, imagined or real.  She has no more power in the relationship than the kids do.  I’ve begged her to leave him, but she says she can’t take care of us.  She even said she’d feel guilty knowing He couldn’t take care of himself.  I am not an idiot.  I know it would not help me to run away or rebel against him.  My mother uses self-pity and self-denigration to keep me under her thumb.  “You can’t leave.  I wouldn’t have anybody.  I can’t get a job.  Who would take care of the younger children?  Nobody would hire me anyway.  I don’t have any skills.  I don’t have the clothes to go to work.”  Her wailing and misery goes on and on.

I know I have no choice except to tolerate a miserable situation until I graduate high school.  I am working like a maniac in school so I can get away from this unhappy situation.  Do you have any advice for me.  Caught

Dear Caught,  This is awful, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and understand the situation thoroughly.  I don’t know that there is any recourse against being hateful or verbally abusive, but should your father become physically abusive, you could contact the police.  As for your mother, you need to shut the conversation down when she starts manipulating you with self-pity.  It won’t help her or you.  I am glad you have a plan.  It sounds like a smart one.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie,  I love my wife dearly.  She is an excellent cook but a  horrible housekeeper.  I love her, but hate having total responsibility for cleaning the house, yard, and doing the laundry. She says it doesn’t bother her living in a mess and refuses to help at all.  How can I get her to do better?  Messy House

Dear Messy, You may not be able to.  If that is your major complaint, maybe you should take over the housework yourself.  Maybe you would feel better if she took over another responsibility that you are handling now.  Perhaps she could do all the cooking, shopping and bill paying, or some other job you can reallocate.  Unfortunately, millions of people are in the situation of getting stuck with all the housework.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am an average-looking and acting forty-five year-old single woman.  I live in the suburbs.  The boy next door is fifteen.  He has taken care of my mowing and yard-work for three years.  Last week, he came over and rang the doorbell.  When I answered he asked if I’d like to have sex.  I was so shocked, I said, “What did you say?”  He asked me again if I’d like to have sex.  I said “NO!” and slammed the door.  In about five minutes he rang the doorbell again.  Never dreaming it would be him again, I answered.  He said, “Please don’t tell my mother.”  What in the world would possess him to do such a thing?  Puzzled but not Impressed.

Dear Puzzled, Sounds like he watched too many porn movies and listened to too many wild stories.  I wouldn’t be too worried about a boy who didn’t want you to tattle to Mama.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I went to have my teeth cleaned today.  I’ve used the same hygienist for years, but today she wore my ears out.  She’s getting a divorce and thought I needed to know all about it.  I had no interest in her story, especially when she got to their sexual issues and what she expects from a man.  I was a captive with instruments in my mouth.  I finally waved her down and asked her to change the subject when I saw she was going to keep on.  I won’t be shy about telling her I don’t want to hear about her personal life before we start next time, but surely I am not the first person who got a load of garbage.  I encourage all hostage-holding caregivers and service providers to keep their personal business to themselves.  Most of us have enough on our plates already.  Sore Ears

Dear Sore Ears, That is very good advice.  Airing sexual issues can constitute sexual harassment, whether you offend customers or co-workers and is definitely not appropriate in these situations.  Thanks for writing.

Email your problems and questions to lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda, at a work function last week I had too much drink and made insulting and caustic remarks about my boss.  He didn’t hear me, but there is no way it won’t get back to  hm what I said.  He is out of the office for the next two weeks, but  I can’t imagine that I won’t be fired.  Even if I weren’t, I don’t know that I would feel I could stay.  Should I just go ahead and quit now before he gets back.  Big Mouth Drunk

Dear Big Mouth, Spend the time before he gets back updating your resume and starting your job search.  Ask for an appointment with your boss.  With your letter of resignation in hand, apologize, making no excuses for yourself, telling him you are prepared to submit your resignation, if necessary, instead of waiting for termination. Depending on your past performance and your value to the company, it is possible there might be a miracle and this will blow over.  Consider not drinking.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother is eighty-two and in poor health.  She has given my sister and brother a considerable sum over the years.  I have never asked her for anything.  I recently asked her to make a will and reminded her of her gifts to my siblings.  She got angry and accused me of trying to rush her to the grave and get her money.  I would like an equal share with them.  Was I wrong?  Left out

Dear Left Out,  You were right that she needs to make a will.  Everyone should.  It is up to her how she leaves her money.  There is no way to anticipate what a person might do.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My father-in-law is way too grabby and makes inappropriate remarks, even in front of his wife and my husband  My mother-in-law acts like she is blind and My husband, Reggie excuses him, saying, “That’s just the way Daddy is.  He doesn’t mean anything by it.”  I am angered by his father’s behavior and by Reggie’s attitude.  Isn’t a husband supposed to speak up for his wife.  What is wrong with this family?  How do I deal with this without causing a flap?  Hands Off

Dear Hands Off, Don’t be shy.  Doesn’t sound like the sensitive type.  The next time he pats you or says something offensive, don’t mince words.  Tell him to keep his hands to himself and his mind out of the gutter.  Obviously, you have to look out for yourself.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda.  My father-in-law has been the minister of the church we attend for more than thirty years.  He is well-respected though he is physically abusive to his wife, was abusive to his children, and has had a girlfriend or two on the side.  This is not a big town.  It would seem like word would get around, but I’ve never heard a complaint about him.  I attend church faithfully with my husband and children, but don’t get a lot out of the service in view of what I know about this man.  How can people get way with secrets like this?  It seems like someone would have to notice something.  Puzzled

Dear Puzzled, It does make you wonder.  I guess that family must have kept his abuse to themselves and he just hasn’t gotten caught with another woman.  He met be more organized than I am to keep his stories straight!  Auntie Linda

email Auntie Linda at lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am twenty-one, the oldest of seven children.  I work as a checker in a supermarket and take college classes but still live at home to help take care of my mother who is diabetic, on dialysis, and blind. My two sisters also work, go to college and share the responsibility with me.  I have four brothers under fourteen..  I know my mother won’t live much longer.  My father is an alcoholic and was physically abusive to the entire family as long as he was able.  He has cirrhosis of the liver and he rarely gets out of bed. He may go before my mother. I don’t expect either of them to live long and frankly, it will be a relief to have my father gone.  I am worried what will happen to my brothers when my parents die, but don’t want to worry my mother by talking about this.  At twenty-one, am I old enough to get custody of my brothers?  I don’t want them to go into the foster care system.  My sisters and I are anxious to keep them together.  We have been caring for them and my parents for a couple of years already.  Who do I talk to and where do I start?  Sister

Dear Sister, At twenty-one, you are a responsible adult.  Talk to the social worker at your mothers dialysis clinic.  She should be able to help you, and will know how to talk to you mother.  Your brothers should be eligible for social security benefits when the time comes.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  The women I work with are terrible gossips.  They zone in on whoever happens to be off that day, dissecting their weight, looks, family situations and work habits.  They rotate around till they get everybody.  I don’t join in, but know my reserve makes me a target.  I either act like I don’t hear or change the subject when they try to engage me.  I am becoming more of an outsider every day.    How do you avoid gossip without becoming a target?  Quiet One

Dear Quiet, You are right not to get involved.  What you don’t say won’t be repeated.  People will gossip as they please, but at least you won’t get your tail in a crack.  They probably think you are a snob, but you have other places to socialize.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am seventy-two years old and recently widowed.  I have three sisters and a brother I love dearly, but my older sister is cold, critical, and very difficult to tolerate.  I love her boys and look forward to seeing them at family gatherings.  Both Nona and I were recently widowed.  Her husband was a lovely man and a dear friend to both me and my late husband so we maintained a relationship for his sake.  None of our siblings nor her boys will have anything to do with Nona..  She has recently moved less than a mile from me without telling me till after she bought a house. She also joined my church.  I am very upset dreading the trouble she will stir up with my church friends.  I have struggled to maintain a relationship with Nona but don’t want to deal with her on a regular basis,  How do I tolerate her?  I don’t want to have to move to get away.  Avoiding Trouble

Dear Avoiding, She must be a miserable piece of work if everybody cut her off.  You will have to set strict limits on your relationship.  Your friends will figure her out for themselves.  You are not responsible.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother used my personal information to get credit and has ruined my credit.  I don’t know what to do.  I can struggle to pay her debts or report her for identity theft, for which she will be prosecuted.  I won’t do that.  Mother and I had a good relationship.  I never dreamed she’d do such a thing.  She has begged me not to tell my father.  I feel hopeless, graduating with student loan debt and now my mother’s debt hanging over my head.  I am working now and living at home to save money, but my father has asked me to pay $300 rent.  Under normal circumstances, I would expect to do this.  I believe in paying my way, but can’t afford rent and debt repayment.  I need to stay here until the debt is paid, about three years.  What in the world do I do?  In a Bind

Dear Bind,  You mother betrayed your trust and is now asking you to be complicit in deceiving your father.  This is wrong.  She needs to come clean with your father and make good on her debt so you can meet your responsibilities.  Auntie Linda