Dear Auntie Linda, My brother and I are both in middle school.  My parents don’t know he is transgender, though it is clear to see.  He is being bullied and harassed at school, though he hasn’t told my parents. He blows it off, saying its not that bad.  His teachers and administration are mostly looking the other way.  I am worried he will be hurt or hurt himself.  What do I do? Loving Sister

Dear Sister, Tell your brother he needs to talk to your parents about the bullying.  Offer to bring it up and help.  He may not be ready to discuss his transgender status with them, but it is possible he may choose to once the door is open.  That is his to deal with.  If he refuses to talk to your parents or the school administration, it is up to you.  If your parents aren’t helpful, go to administration yourself.  He and all the others being bullied need to know someone will support them.  It is very helpful when friends stand up for those being bullied.  Auntie Linda

Auntie Linda, I have just found out my son is a bully.  I feel awful.  My ex-husband was abusive to me and the children.  When my son was ten, we were able to escape and start a new life when my ex went to prison.  I feel terrible, knowing my son was a victim of violence and is now inflicting pain on others.  How do I help him.  Bully’s Mom

Dear Mom, I hope you are able to forge a bond with your son if you haven’t already.  Are you able to discuss this with him calmly?  He is hurting himself and hurting others.  He needs to learn empathy.  Sounds like he is striking out before he can be hurt.  I hope there is someone he can trust to guide him.  He is probably suffering from PTSD and acting out.  Talk to the counselor at school and his pediatrician to get some guidance.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister and I have noticed some changes in my mother that make us suspect early dementia, but she is still able to live in her own home.  The problem is my brother.  He is an alcoholic and has convinced Mother to turn her car and finances over to him.  Mother is losing weight and becoming unkempt.  I have tried to take her to the doctor, but my brother interferes.  He says she is fine and she goes along with him.  I don’t think she is incompetent, but she definitely needs someone to look out for her.  She is becoming more isolated. My brother is starting to make excuses why my sister and I can’t come over.  What do we do?  Mama’s Girls

Dear Girls, If you suspect your mother is being neglected or abused, notify her doctor or adult protection for investigation.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have four kids who excel in school.  We are very proud of them, but there is no way we can help them go to college.  We struggle to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.  The older two work part-time now to buy their clothes and cover their expenses for school.  I wish we could do more, but we are strapped.  How will our kids manage?  Broke

Dear Broke, It sounds like you are doing a lot right if your kids excel in school and help pay their own way.  Encourage them to be active in seeking scholarships.  Their industry can pay off there.  They can work and get loans.  It would be wonderful if everyone had the money to finance a college education, but it is not impossible to manage on their own.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four years old, and a widow of moderate means.  My only child, a daughter is an English Professor at a well-known university in California.  She is divorced with three children.  Her ex-husband is wealthy, but will only pay the legally required child-support.  She makes a good income, but is constantly in need of money for any extras the children require, like private school, or summer camp.  She has a lovely home (for which I gave her the down payment) and has invited me to move out and live with them, but I don’t want to be a live-in nanny.  She and the children visit for a couple of weeks twice a year now and by the time they leave, I am exhausted from babysitting since she goes out with friends most afternoons and doesn’t usually get home till after midnight.  The children are lovely, but they wear me out.  I give her ten-thousand dollars a year now since she will inherit everything I have someday anyway, but I am starting to worry that I will run out of money if I live more than fifteen more years.  I feel bad telling her “no” since she is my only heir.  How do I make her understand I am worried about my finances without offending her?  The Bank

Dear Bank, You are helping your daughter live a very cushy lifestyle.  If you never gave her another penny, you have been extremely generous.  Feel free to give her what you choose and draw the line where you need to.  She probably thinks you have money to burn.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My siblings and I were raised the same. Of the seven of us, only two are law-abiding citizens.  The other five are drug and alcohol-addicted and frequently incarcerated.  Though I care about them, I have chosen to have no association with them, due to being victimized time after time.  One brother and I stay in touch, and avoid the rest like the plague.  We each moved out of state to build lives where we weren’t known, at the first opportunity, cutting ties with everyone but each other.  A sister has reached out to me now, though I don’t know how she got my number, wanting me to “take me in and help me get a new start.”  I don’t want to see her and can’t afford to help her unless I take her in which I am not willing to do.  Is this a horrible thing to do?  Burned

Dear Burned,  No.  People who want to change their ways and rebuild their lives can find a way to do it.  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

Dear Auntie Linda,  I live in a decent, not fancy, neighborhood.  All the residents keep their places mowed, painted, and well-kept, except for one neighbor.  The lady living directly across the street from me is a hoarder.  Her place looks like she is having a garage sale all the time.  Junk cars, old furniture, and hundreds of flower pots are in plain view.  She has old appliances and dozens of containers standing on her porch.  Her shades hang crooked on the windows.  Her grass is tall and she has dozens of cats swarming around.  We ordered Pizza the other night and her cats attacked the Pizza Man.  Several of us talked to her and she threw us off the property.  What can be done about this miserable mess?  Sick of the View

Dear Sick of the View,  You can call the ASPCA or animal control about the cat problem.  You can call the city about the mess and junk cars.  They can deal with the woman if it’s bad enough to be a hazard.  You have my sympathy.  How awful to have to look at a mess everyday.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My dad is totally selfish.  He goes around blowing money like there is no tomorrow leaving my mother to figure out how to run the house on almost nothing.  We grew up with him raging at her about what she spent on groceries and utilities.  She is so beaten down and submissive it is hard to watch.  I hated growing up that way, going ragged while he spent like a mad man.   When it all comes crashing down because he has made ATM withdrawals without telling her, he accuses her of wasting all his money, demanding to know what she spent it on.  He dresses like a peacock, while Mother creeps around looking like a country mouse, wearing her clothes till they are threadbare.  I don’t ever remember her going to the beauty shop.  She does her own haircuts and home perms.  It’s not pretty, to say the least.  Dad criticizes her weight and appearance, saying she looks like a slob and has let herself go.  I feel just awful for her and am so angry at my father.  I know she should stick up for herself, but she’s so beaten down all she wants is peace.  They never go anywhere together.  Thank God, I am out of the situation, but her life looks hopeless.  It is so hard to watch.  I wish I could help, but she says “It’s not that bad and I’d feel guilty if I left.  Besides, I can’t make it on my own.”  Worry about Mom

Dear Worry,  This does sound like a terrible way to live, but you’ve summed it up pretty well.  There’s nothing you can do unless your mom gets the courage and is motivated to get out.  Your dad is not going to change and has her right where he wants her.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie LInda,  Before my husband had radiation for his stem-cell transplant.we banked his sperm so we could have children.  I had in vitro fertilization but sadly, he became septic and died just days later.  Mike’s twin brother, John and I turned to each other in our grief, and had sex.  I had twins, but don’t know who the father is.  The babies and I will draw social security.  I desperately want the babies to be Mike’s, not just for the money, but because I loved him and wanted his children.  This is my dilemma, John and I have stayed close and plan to marry soon and have children.  He wants me to have in vitro again with Mike’s sperm again before we marry so that that child could have social security benefits as well as the other children.  We are currently living together, so should I do this, the child could belong to either brother.  Could I get in trouble for this?  Thinking About It.

Dear Thinking,  I have no idea whether or not you would get in legal trouble unless you drew attention to yourselves by going on a talk show, but I can see big trouble in your future.  First of all, children may have a medical need for a DNA results, just as your husband did before he had his stem-cell transplant.  Certainly the truth will out then. The fact that John would be want to initiate such a deception says a lot about him.  This is dishonest situation that is very likely to cause tremendous pain for all involved down the road.  What value do you place on your ethics and honesty, not to mention your children’s feelings?  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse on an oncology unit at a teaching hospital.  We recently had a young twenty-one-year old man on our unit who needed total body radiation.  He, his fiancé, and family were devastated as much by the fact that he would be left sterile as a result, as they were about his health concerns, since they focused on his good prognosis. He had no benefits or funds to cover his medical care, not to mention sperm-banking.  It was not a great deal of money, so when one of the nurses on the unit heard his concerns, we collected money to cover the cost for five years.  This is not a question but an observation.  Of all the men who worked on the unit, not one donation came from a man.  When I mentioned it to my nursing manager, a man, he laughed and blew it off, saying, “I’m not donating to that.” showing a tremendous lack of compassion.  I was disappointed. I’ve wondered about this a lot since then.  Disappointed

Dear Auntie Linda, My wife had left me for another man and filed for divorce when she was diagnosed with kidney failure.  She is on dialysis, the transplant list and unable to work now.  We share custody of the children. Her other man is gone and she wants to reconcile now, since she needs my benefits and financial support.  I am sorry she is having these problems, but I don’t want to get back into a miserable, volatile marriage.  When we separated, I moved out, leaving Betty and the children in the family home. I continued to pay half the mortgage but since Betty is no longer able to pay her portion, I can’t pay the full mortgage and my apartment rent.  Betty’s parents invited her to move in with them in their home about two blocks away so I move back in the family home with the children,   That way we could still share custody.  Betty is furious, insisting we reconcile.  Am I wrong to go forward with divorce?  Trapped

Dear Trapped. This is an awful situation for both of you and the children.  I can understand you don’t want to get pulled back into a miserable situation.  You wife will be able to qualify for Social Security and Medicare benefits since she is on dialysis.  When she has some benefits, you should be able to work this out equitably.  A peaceful home is a blessing.

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister-in-law is sixty-eight.  She is an extremely attractive woman, but she is sixty-eight.  She has always been extremely proud of herself, flashing cleavage and showing a lot of leg, but doesn’t seem to notice she has aged.  It’s startling to see crepey bosoms, a muffin top, and wrinkled knees.  There’s no way anybody in their right mind would want to see this.  It’s embarrassing when people stare or turn away and giggle.  Should I say something to her?  Oh No!

Dear Oh No!  Feel free to tell her if you have nothing better to waste your time on.  Sounds like she sees with her memory, not her mirror.  It might not hurt to get a picture, though.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My five grown kids are moochers.  One of them is always needing something.  I sixty-eight years old, divorced, and drawing social security, but still have to work part-time just to get by.  My house needs a new roof, and my old car needs tires.  Just when I think I am getting a little ahead, one of the kids gets their lights cut off or runs out of milk for the baby. Two grandchildren spend the night four nights a week while my daughter works the night shift.  I want to help her since she is a single mother barely scraping by, but half the time she doesn’t bring diapers. They always seem to have money for fishing, cigarettes, and beer.   I raise a big garden and they pile in for tomatoes and vegetables, but never lift a finger.  How do I get them to grow up?  Worked to the Bone.

Dear Worked to the Bone,  You won’t always be here to help.  You just have to toughen up and say “No.”  It would be very uncomfortable to get by without electricity for a few days, but they would manage and figure out how to pay it next time.  The baby has to have milk, but you can make it clear you can’t buy milk or diapers, they can plan better.  Necessities come ahead of fishing, cigarettes, and beer.  If you haven’t told them what a burden they are, it’s time you did. It’s not hard to do the math.  Your income barely supports you. As for the garden, if they want goodies, they need to help. It’s a lot easier for them to yell for help than to plan ahead.   They are obviously quite comfortable depending on you to bail them out.  You are not a bank!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband I were childhood sweethearts, have been married four years and have a two-year-old.  We live about a hundred miles from our parents   We want the baby to know his grandparents so we go home for the weekend about every two months.   My parents and his only live about three miles apart.  Both sets are jealous and competitive about our time when we go home for a visit.  No matter how we divide our time up, somebody is mad.  Holidays are the worst.  We never get to visit old friends because of their demands.  How do we handle this?  Ragdoll

Dear Ragdoll, Your parents are fortunate you visit this often.  Since somebody is always mad anyway, it is up to you to decide how you spend your time.  You could alternate weekends, one this time, one the next, and have Sunday lunch with the other, and switch the next time.  You could also alternate holidays. It is your decision, not theirs.  If they want time with you, they could visit as well.  One hundred miles is not that far.  The road goes both ways.  Auntie Linda

My husband and I have been married eleven years and sadly, had no children, though we both wanted them.  We are different religions and from totally different worlds.  He is from the Bronx and I am from Alabama.  His family made no secret that they never liked me and always encouraged him to visit alone, though I tried hard to fit in  His cousin came to visit last year and our marriage fell apart after she introduced him to a friend and encouraged him to leave me. His mother was not involved in that, but co-incidentally, I found out she had been giving him large cash gifts every year which he concealed from me.   She has met his new sweety (who is now pregnant) and is all for the new marriage.  This is the killer. She gave Jake (us?) many valuable family items over the years, such as jewelry, art, china, silver, and crystal.  She wants all these things back since she wants them to stay in the family.  I originally planned to give them back, but the more I think about it, the less I am inclined to.  She has agreed to give me a considerable cash settlement so Jake can get rid of me quickly and marry his new woman, but I am having second thoughts about returning gifts.  I hate to admit it, but I still love Jake and don’t want a divorce.  What should I do?  Am I obligated to return family gifts? Ditched Wife.

Dear Ditched,  This is a betrayal, and I could see why you might not want to return gifts after being treated so badly.  Jake and his whole family sound like a piece of work.  As to whether you should return gifts, that would be your judgment, unless you had an agreement ahead of the marriage.  Personally, I don’t think I’d want reminders around, but that’s just me.  If the settlement being offered is larger, it might be to your benefit to accept it, unless you prefer the gifts.  It’s probably a bribe to return family items.  You probably won’t get both.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am eighteen and an only child.  Mom died last year.  About six months ago Dad brought Greg (three months younger than I) over to meet me.  It turns out, my father had an affair just before he and Mom married.  Dad found out Julie was pregnant right after he and Mom married, but didn’t want to break up their marriage.  He supported and visited Greg all this time, though he says he was faithful to Mom.  I love Greg and I am angry I missed eighteen years we could have had, but now Dad and Julie are talking about getting married.  I think this is horrible.  I wonder if that is the first thing he thought of once Mom died, a second chance for a perfect family.  I am just furious at him for hiding this all these years and just introducing Greg when it was convenient.  Outraged

Dear Outraged, I don’t blame you for being angry. It was wrong to hide this all these years.  It is good that you and Greg are close now, especially considering the time you missed out on already.  Your father behaved very poorly, by not acknowledging his son and deceiving you and your mother.  It would be best to focus on your relationship with your brother, than your anger with your father.  The fact is, your father will do as he pleases.  Your response is the only thing you have control over.  I encourage you to act with a cool head and more grace than your father has shown in this situation.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a good kid in a miserable situation.  My mother is mentally ill. When she gets off her medication,  I don’t know from one minute to the next what she might do or who or what she might come dragging in.  My dad works out of town and she manages to pull herself together when he comes in, but trying to go to school, work, and keep things running at home are exhausting me. My brother and I have both mowed, babysat, and done any odd job we could since we were old enough to work to have money for food and clothes.   I have come home and found strange people in the house.  She has given away furniture.  I make sure the rent and utilities are paid as soon as her disability check comes in, but she is as likely as not to spend the rest on junk.  I have come in from school and found forty yards of fabric, or old furniture from a junk sale piled under the carport and no food in the house.  I buy groceries out of what I make, but I have to keep them in the trunk of my car or they just disappear.  Mom is obsessive about my fifteen-year-old brother, often trying to keep him out of school when she is most confused.  I worry about her all the time, but dread going home.  I graduate from high school this year and have a scholarship for college, but worry about what will happen to Mom and my brother if I do.  How can I ever have a life?  Old Man at Seventeen

Dear Old Man, I feel for you.  This is way too heavy a burden for you and your brother.  You have to tell your dad how bad things are and that he has to take responsibility for your mother. He obviously has been able to ignore problems since you are there to take care of things.  Make sure he knows everything she does and let him deal with it.  It is time for you to make a life for yourself.  He is likely to dump the load on your brother as long as he can.  No doubt, things will fall apart once you go off to college, but you can’t sacrifice your life to keep propping things up at home.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  Somebody is stealing my underwear off the clothesline.  Nothing else goes missing, just my skimpies.  I haven’t been able to catch anyone, but I had a pair go missing last week and another this week.  What in the world do I do?  I am worried there is a pervert in the neighborhood.  Bare Bottomed Before Long.

Dear Bare Bottomed,  Try hanging some big old granny panties and some boxers out instead of skimpies.  That should discourage anybody.  Sounds like you might need to hang your skimpies on the shower rod.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  We sometimes have pot luck lunches at the hospital where I work.  A signup list is posted weeks ahead, so everybody knows and can bring a dish.  The problem is, people from other areas of the hospital drop in who haven’t contributed and help themselves.  Also, there are a some who fix a plates to take home or even take a whole dish.  We have had whole containers just disappear.  Why in the world would people be so greedy?  How do you keep the pigs out?  Cleaned Out

Dear Cleaned Out, You hit the nail on the head.  Some people are just greedy pigs with no pride.  Unless you can set your buffet up in an area where people can be observed making off with the goodies, it is hard.  I suppose you could give out tickets, post a sign, Whatever Department Holiday Dinner Only or post a lookout to discourage moochers.  Auntie Linda