alcohol

Stupid Alcohol One-Liners Found on the Internet

img_1580

1. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
2. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
3. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results.
4. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
7. I don’t recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
8. I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
9. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean…… on tables, chairs & random people.
10. My body is not a temple…..it’s a distillery with legs.
11. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
12. You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast.
13. Take me drunk I’m home.
14. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
15. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!
16. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. I’ve been told I’ve got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)
19. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
20. Alcohol is never the answer… But it does make you forget the question.
21 c A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
22. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
23. “Relationship” has 12 letters but then again so does “Time For Shots”
24. Confucious says, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night”.

Cool Mom for One Moment in Time

From the time my kids were preteens, either Bud or I stopped off a couple of afternoons to stock up the pantry. It seemed we were always low on fruit, milk, bread, and snacks. We encouraged our kids to stay home, meaning other kids hung out there. I rarely met a satiated kid.

One afternoon, I noticed some lemonade drinks that looked appealing. I picked up a couple of cartons, thinking the kids might enjoy them. Boy, was I right. They barely hit the fridge before the kids broke into them. I got busy with laundry or some other tasks while starting dinner. Before long, my kids were having a fine time, laughing and almost acting like friends. When John made a trip to the kitchen and asked his sister if she wanted him to bring her another, I knew something was off. Upon investigation, I found out the truth about California Coolers and really messed things up for them.

The Rooster and the Boozers

The Austins lived just across the pasture from us.  Jody Austin “drank.”  In our neck of the woods, “drinking” meant a man was disreputable, deprived and likely beat his wife and children, probably didn’t hold a job, and likely was prone to violence.  It sounded a lot like today’s alcoholic.  Jodie qualified magnificently.  It was rumored that he had shot a man in a bar.  Folks left Jody alone.  Every Saturday night Jody hosted his “drinking” buddies for a binge. The festivities started with a huge bonfire.  As they sat around on barrels, old cars, and broken lawn chairs, they tossed their cans out in the darkness. They got louder, sometimes had a friendly fight, occasionally rolling all around the fire, finishing off with a little singing…a treat for all the neighbors.

When Jody got good and drunk, he started crowing, trying to wake his rooster!  Jody had a fine crowing voice. But roosters are territorial, determined to keep their harem to themselves.  Since roosters habitually are “early to bed and early to rise,” it usually took about four tries to get Rudy the Rooster going.  His first response was usually half-hearted and anemic.  Roo-ooh- ooh-ooh-ooh-oooooh.  He obviously needed his rest.  Jody’s buddies took a turn crowing.  Rudy was riled now and ready for a rooster fight, but couldn’t find a single rooster to whip.  The partiers thought this was high humor.  They all took turns crowing.  After a particularly authentic crow, Rudy called back “ROOH-OOH-OOH-OOH-OOOOOOH!!!”  The longer the competition went on, the madder Rudy got.  He must have hated Saturday nights and drinking…

Bumps in the Road Part 7

Though Kathleen was only nineteen, she’d already been engaged to a nice, well-educated fellow who worked at the radio station.  She wasn’t deeply attracted to him but her mother really pushed for the marriage thinking he’d be a good provider and husband since he was a bit older and settled.  Kathleen had always been submissive to Mama, but this time she stood her ground.  Mama was manipulative and knew how to sling guilt, so Kathleen was subjected to her stormy disapproval.  Mama was a force to be dealt with.  Subject to depression, she’d had no qualms about telling the child Kathleen maybe she’d just run butt her head into a tree and kill herself.  Of course, the tiny girl believed her and both feared and felt desperate to get home from school, hoping not to find her mother dead and bloody at the base of a tree.  Remembering Mama’s domineering ways, she didn’t want to be subject to her machinations this time.  She’d deal with Mama when she had to.

Consequently, Kathleen made no mention of her new romance with Mama.  She did, however, discuss her concerns with Annie, her older sister.  “Bill wants me to marry him, but I’m worried.  He’s kind of wild.  I know he drinks.  I think I love him and want to marry him when I’m with him, but don’t when I’m away from him.  What do you think I should do?”

Annie gave her the worst counsel I think I’ve ever heard anyone give a a nineteen year-old kid.  “I think you ought to do what you think is best.” No one understands the ramifications of such a life-altering decision at that age.  Kathleen wasn’t grown.  She was just driven by her hormones as all teenagers are.  She’d been saving herself for marriage and was madly in love.

For his part, Bill was just as much in love.  It was hard to believe this incredible girl wanted him.  She was gorgeous, smart, witty, and obviously a person of quality.  He’ d asked around.  Her reputation was flawless.  She was the girl of his dreams.  He was as smitten as she was.

Once the decision was made, Kathleen starting making plans.  Bill was to pick her up at  the hotel at noon.  Kathleen dressed carefully in  her white spring dress and new hat with its two pink roses.  She didn’t like hats, but this seemed right for a wedding.  Twelve o’clock came and went, then one o’clock.  Fearing she’d been left at the altar, so to speak, Kathleen got more agitated and angry.  The very nerve!  As she fidgeted, she picked up a razor blade lying on the sink edge.  She noticed a ragged cuticle and went to work on it.  As you’d expect, she nicked herself. A rivulet of bright red blood dripped down the skirt of her pristine wedding dress just as she got the call that Bill was waiting downstairs for her.  Thankfully, peroxide cleaned her dress right up.  She dashed downstairs to meet the man she intended to spend the rest of her life with.

They were married that afternoon in Paris,Texas.

Bumps in the Road Part 6

Their’s was the typical whirlwind romance. Standing Kathleen up was something Gene never had to worry about again. In the next few days, she met his brothers, Edward and Parnell. She was disappointed to find out the Chevy Coupe belonged to Edward, not Bill . Oh well, a fellow with a car would have been nice. Kathleen knew both brothers had wives back in Louisiana so was surprised to see Parnell with a woman clinging to his arm at a carnival one night. “Isn’t that Parnell?  Who….?” she asked, as Bill steered her away. She’d really liked Parnell. Why would he do such a thing? He spoke lovingly of his wife and girls, so why? It didn’t make sense. 

Bill had had a few beers as they walked around, but was nowhere drunk.  In fact, he was more charming than usual, making Kathleen feel like the luckiest girl in Texas to be on his arm.  They strolled up to a gambling booth where a red-head barker  called out for them to come try their luck at knocking down stacks of bottles with a baseball.  A cute  little pekingese lay curled up on a cushion on the counter.  “Knock down three stacks of bottles and win this puppy for your girl,” the barker called out, reeling Bill in.

“I’m gonna get you that puppy,” said Bill, scooping up three balls.  He hurled them, only knocking the top bottle off each stack.  He went for another round, managing to knock to bottles off the stack a couple of times. 

Kathleen quickly grew disturbed with this game.  The bottom bottles were clearly weighted and weren’t going over. “Come on. This game is rigged. Those bottles aren’t going over.  I don’t want that puppy, anyway.” Bill was determined to win. He kept digging bills out of his pocket and hurling balls at the bottles, a total waste in this crooked game. Kathleen was appalled at the waste  and his stubborn refusal to give it up. Incredibly, he’d lost forty-five dollars and was in a heated argument with the barker by the time Edward strolled up, ready to egg the trouble on. Kathleen quickly surmised, Having grown up tough, Edward  was an aggressive bully who liked nothing better than a fight.

“Get on out of here,” the barker demanded. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“This is a rigged game.  I ain’t leaving till I get my money back.” Bill shouted.  By now, Edward was standing shoulder to shoulder with him, anxious to start punching.  The barker rang a buzzer and two bruisers with nightsticks showed up.  Bill understood the situation and left out of “consideration for Kathleen,” promising to be back after he took her home. 

“You do that!” one of them replied.

He had a couple more beers on the way home, never making it back for his money.

This was a totally new experience for Kathleen, a sheltered young woman of nineteen.  She’d never been around drinking,gambling, cheating, or violence.She didn’t know if she’d wanted to see Bill again.

Image

To Your Health

img_2002

Stupid Alcohol One-Liners Found on the Internet

img_1580

1. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
2. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
3. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results.
4. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
7. I don’t recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
8. I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
9. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean…… on tables, chairs & random people.
10. My body is not a temple…..it’s a distillery with legs.
11. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
12. You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast.
13. Take me drunk I’m home.
14. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
15. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!
16. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. I’ve been told I’ve got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)
19. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
20. Alcohol is never the answer… But it does make you forget the question.
21 c A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
22. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
23. “Relationship” has 12 letters but then again so does “Time For Shots”
24. Confucious says, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night”.

The Rooster and the Boozers

 

The Austins lived just across the pasture from us.  Jody Austin “drank.”  In our neck of the woods, “drinking” meant a man was disreputable, deprived and likely beat his wife and children, probably didn’t hold a job, and likely was prone to violence.  It sounded a lot like today’s alcoholic.  Jodie qualified magnificently.  It was rumored that he had shot a man in a bar.  Folks left Jody alone.  Every Saturday night Jody hosted his “drinking” buddies for a binge. The festivities started with a huge bonfire.  As they sat around on barrels, old cars, and broken lawn chairs, they tossed their cans out in the darkness. They got louder, sometimes had a friendly fight, occasionally rolling all around the fire, finishing off with a little singing…a treat for all the neighbors.  Continue reading →