1. A little pee won’t hurt me
2. It is OK to steal food off someone else’s plate
3. If I’m small and cute I can get away with just about anything
4. If I can fit it in my mouth, it’s food
5. Lazing around in hammocks all day and partying all night is the only way to live
6. The world is my toilet
7. All facial orifices require regular inspection
8. If I have a dispute with my neighbour it is socially appropriate for me to beat the crap out of him
9. Sex, food and sleep are my only priorities in life
10. I must be well groomed at all times
Not all rats are as intelligent as the rest. Here’s some terms for describing those less fortunate:
A few sunflowers short of a seed mix
Not the quickest rodent in the rat race
As bright as the inside of a nest box
A few whiskers short of a ratty kiss
As sharp as a dumbo’s ears
The wheel’s spinning, but there’s no one running
Fell out of the rodent family tree
A few peas short of a good dinner
As sharp as a bag of raisins
Signs your rat has learned your internet password
– by ?? and with additions from me
You find email flames in your inbox from some guy named “Templeton”
You discover flecks of aspen bedding in your keyboard
You’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.yogurtdrops
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.hotrats.com
Your mouse is resting in a hammock in its very own deluxe cage
Your keyboard has a strong territorial scent to it
On IRC you’re known as KingRat (or QueenRat)
There are tiny carpal tunnel braces near your rat’s cage
Your rat suddenly develops the need to sway to focus on things
You find the tools and materials required to construct a home-made bomb in your rat’s stash
Your desktop image has been changed to a photograph of some girl rat called Camille
Someone has run up your credit card with purchases from http://www.vitakraft.com
The stickers have all been stripped from your computer casing
Just managed to nab your naughty escapee rat? Caught your bad rat chewing on the rug? Found your studly buck illegally liaising with the girls? When you take him into custody, remember to read him his rights:
“You have the right to squeak wildly.
You have the right to squirm and scratch and bite my hands.
You have the right to expel your bodily excretions all over my shirt.
Anything you do or say will be taken down and used against you when you’re returned to your cage…
where you will plead innocent, we will crumble at your cuteness and you will be offered a yogurt drop.”
More of Wedeking’s Rattoons
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101 uses for rat raisins
Inspired by Nat of RatRaisins Inc. and with additions by me
Raisins… rats certainly produce a lot of them, so why not capitalise on their efforts!
Food additive:
Raisin toast with butter
Raisin muffins
Raisin and oatmeal cookies
Raisin chip cookies
Roasted raisin butter
Spearmint and raisin herbal tea
Crunchy raisin salad sprinkles
Raisin bouquet garni – great flavour enhancer for soups and stews!
Gourmet chocolate coated raisins
Cake decorations
Raisin crackles – fun for kids parties!
Industrial applications:
Fuel (Hey! They use elephant dung in some countries as fuel, why not?)
Wood putty
Fertilizer
Ammunition
Ball bearings
Fishing gear – a sinker and burly in one!
Bicycle tyre puncture kits
A cheap alternative to Blue-tac
Interior design:
Chimes (quiet chimes – just my style)
Collectibles (anyone try selling their genuine Rat Raisins on eBay?)
Bonsai decorative pebbles
Raisin wattle and daub feature walls
Interesting pot pourri
Arts and crafts:
Mosaics (Just add food colouring!)
Raisin crayon sketching
Unique beads for embroidered cushions
Medicinal and cosmetic use:
Therapeutic raisin heat pillows
Raisin mud packs
Ear plugs
Aromatherapy bath bombs
Toys:
Beanie baby beans
Used in rattles
Woopy cushion scent additive
An alternative to marbles
The top ten reasons why rats love to marinate
Inspired by Nash and the ratlist.
1. To make themselves all tender and sweet for us.
2. Pee is a great leave-in conditioning treatment for rat fur, didn’t you know?
3. Pee is warm on cold nights… ever peed in a wet suit during a winter scuba dive / surf?
4. Ahhh… the delightful tantalising aroma of Eau de Buck… drives the does wild!
5. The nest box sauna is great for relieving tired, aching muscles after a hard workout wreaking havoc about the house.
6. So that their owners will bathe them… they secretly enjoy it.
7. The moist environment prevents ring tail and dry skin.
8. Involvement in the Global Marination Amplification Project (a clandestine rat organisation for world dominance).
9. To attract their owners attention, even if it is only “Euuuuw! You disgusting beasts!”.
10. Because they’re too darned lazy to go to the litter tray
Nutsrok 