Dear Auntie Linda, my 29 year-old daughter, Steffie, fled to my home late one Friday evening battered and beaten.  She had been fighting with her husband Rob after their 7-year-old son stumbled onto pictures of his father having sex with transgender man who was a friend of theirs.  We called the police.  Rob spent three nights in jail while Steffie showed me and my husband, Mike(Steffie’s stepfather) many pornographic pictures and messages she’d found.  She intended to leave him, but bailed him out so he could get back to work with intentions of filing order of protection.

Once he was out, he convinced Steffie to reconcile.  My husband and I were horrified at her waffling and taking her six and seven year olds back into this mess.  No doubt He convinced Steffie she couldn’t make it on her own.  Mike and I were very upset and encouraged Steffie to take the children and get out.  She refused, saying they’d just built a house and gotten the kids in a good school district.  The result is, Steffie is furious at Mike and me.  We are now troublemakers interfering in her marriage and made up the whole thing.  We weren’t allowed to see the children for weeks, since we’d “turn them against their parents and lie to them.”  Recently, they have started allowing the kids to get off the bus here again, since babysitting became a huge issue, but Steffie won’t come in, except to threaten us if she heard we’d told the children any of our lies.  We are being held hostage.

The sad fact of the matter is, Steffie is following in my footsteps.  I stayed married to her father for years, even though he drank, cheated, beat us, and never supported us.  He was addicted to porn.  I would have never had the courage to leave him, knowing he might have killed me.  The final humiliation was when he walked out on me before I had a masectomy for breast cancer because he didn’t want “no hacked up, titless old bitch.”

We ended up  moving in with my sister and went on welfare while I went back to school and got enough skills to get a job.

I feel awful knowing Steffie is following in my footsteps.  I traveled the path before she did.  She throws that in my face now, saying I am no better than she is.

I feel responsible for mess of Steffie’s life and know just how scared she is to get out.  I am worried about Steffie and the children.  How can I help her?  Been There

Dear Been There, This is a sad, but not uncommon situation. sounds like a real mess at Steffie’s house.   Even though Steffie saw you in the same situation, she is an adult now and responsible for her own life.  Neither of you can change the past.  It’s good you’re able to be with the children.  I know you will be alert to any signs or talk of abuse.  The children definitely need a safe place.  Steffie may get enough and need your help before too long and be desperate enough to accept your help.  Right now, all you can do is be there for the little ones.  Don’t fail report any signs of abuse.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my mother died about six months ago.  Our family had spent the last year caring for her, but I was the main caregiver.  I never left her house except for a few hours at a time.  Either me, one of my two sisters, or her sister was always at her side.  We didn’t want her to ever feel awkward at getting care from outsiders.  It was a terrible but satisfying part of my life, knowing I was keeping a promise to her long after she wouldn’t have known the difference.  I didn’t want her to die, but thought I’d done my grieving day by day as she declined.  The last two months she didn’t know anybody.  I was so wrong.  My grief is so heavy and oppressive I feel like I can’t get a deep breath.  Every time I take a bite of food or see a sunny day, I am heartsick knowing Mother is gone,  it angers me when people remark that I must’ve relieved.  I don’t enjoy time with my husband, friends, or family.  Is it normal for me to grieve so hard for my Mother.  I don’t want to keep living this way.  Mama’s Girl

Dear Mama’s Girl, The depth of grief you describe for your mother is not usual.  By two months, you should have started feeling some lessening.  Chances are, you have developed clinical depression as a result of the misery of her lengthy illness and grief at her death.  Since you took care of your Mother so long, you lost track of your life.  Talk to your doctor.  Chances are medication will help.  Be sure to stay in touch on your with your doctor on your progress.  It is likely your dose age will have to be adjusted.  You may find it helpful to rate your mood 1 thru 10 daily on your calendar to help you evaluate your progress, since it’s hard to be objective when you have bad days.  Make an effort to do one good thing everyday, especially when you are low.  It will help.  Sorry for your loss.  You will always miss your mother, but life will be good again, just different.  Joy is attainable.  Auntie Linda

Dear  Auntie Linda, I am a sixteen year-old-girl who has never had a boyfriend or even a good friend who is a boy.  I don’t even have a dependable best friend.  My oldest friend often ditches me.  I am so awkward and shy, I’d never talk to a boy for fear he’d laugh at me.  I have no idea how to flirt or make a boy notice me.  I am embarrassed if a boy catches me looking at him.  I just look away, hoping he won’t make fun of me.  I am worried about bullied, so try never to call attention to myself.    I just keep quiet and try to stay under the radar of mean kids.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have friends.  Alone and Blue

Dear Alone and Blue, it probably won’t make you feel any better, but many kids are struggling just like you are.  It is hard to judge if people will respond well, but chances are, there  is another shy student near you in school who would welcome a friendly gesture.  You wouldn’t have to smile or even speak.  Maybe just make a point not to look away if you catch their eye.  You can judge from their reaction whether or not they or friendly.  A quiet kid is not likely to ask, “what are YOU staring at?” as a hateful kid would.  Try being just a bit friendlier without making a real gesture.  You sound like a good kid.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I retired a couple of years ago.  My elderly mother lives near me. she visits often is way too involved in my life. Every morning she calls to see what I am up.  If I have shopping to do, she often says she’d like to ride along it I don’t object.  If I don’t want to include her, I have to make an excuse.  She comes over several times a week and stays till I tell her I have to get busy.  If I spend time with other family members, she expects to be included.  She throws out broad hints to be included when I plan vacations, but I refuse to invite her if my husband is going, since he’d rather not travel with her.  She wants to stop every couple of hours for a bathroom break and gets another drink so we are always looking for a bathroom.  She wants to stop for a long lunch restaurant.  Needless to say, he doesn’t want to make “old lady” trips.  When I do travel with Mother, I usually bear the total expense since she foster the illusion that I am well-off.  I wish I had maintained more distance since I retired since I don’t want to live and breathe my mother.  She is intrusive and points out outrageously obvious things before I have time to attend to them.  “You forgot to open your mail.” “Your tea-kettle is whistling.”  “The buzzer on you stove just went off.” She is offended when I point out that ” I don’t open the bills since Joe pays them.  That’s his business. “, “I’m on the way to take the kettle(buzzer)off.”  Mother’s mind is not bad.  She’s just too much at home in my business.  She frequently tells me, “I never talked back to my mother, and I am glad now I didn’t” to try to make me feel guilty.  I have to point out my grandmother lived 800 miles away and didn’t get much chance to butt in.  How in the world do I make the message clear?  Harassed Daughter

Dear Harrassed,  Be frank.  When your mom calls, tell her you don’t know what your plans are.  If you don’t have time or interest in having a visit, tell her you don’t have time today, or tell her exactly how long you want company.  When she is intrusive, be frank. Make it clear you’ll invite her when the time is right.  She will be offended, but she probably won’t die from the shock.  If she wants to go to lunch, let her know if you don’t want to pay for hers.  It’s better to set limits than avoid her.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I have six sisters and one brother.  Our father was a very difficult man.  When we gather at holiday dinners and discuss our lives, as adult children do, my brother insists we are exaggerating in our stories of our lives with Dad.  He tells a much different tale, glorifying my father and ignoring any flaws.  Indeed, my brother was my Dad’s Golden Boy, but Daddy didn’t spare him totally.  Several times my dad became enraged and beat him badly.  Why on earth would he defend him?  Mystified

Dear Mystified, Obviously, your brother created a better past for himself.  There is no point in arguing.   It won’t change anything.  You know the truth.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, my fourteen sister told me she is in love with her soccer coach.  She has shown me texts and pictures from him.  She has sworn me to secrecy and asked me not to tell our mother.  I don’t want to tell her secret but I am afraid for her.  What do I do?  Sister

Dear Sister, this is not a secret that should be honored.  Your sister is a minor and this coach is committing a crime.  Tell your sister she has to tell your mother or you will.  Offer to go with her and be there for her.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We moved way out in the country a couple of years ago   My family keeps cows and chickens.  All us kids have to help with chores and work in the garden.  I have to help my mom can food and make cheese and butter.  In summer my sister and I have to work in a stand selling vegetables out near the road.  My parents are building our house because they don’t want to go in debt.  We moved in before it was finished.  The bedrooms not painted yet and we don’t have hot water in the house.  We use a fireplace in winter and don’t have an air conditioner.   I am embarrassed about living like such a hick.  Most kids I go to school with have cars and live in nice houses.  I ride a bicycle.  Other kids de get to run around and have and I have to help my family.  I hate living this way.  I wish we could move back to town.  Country Bumpkin

Dear Country, Sounds like your parents are working hard to make a living and be self-sufficient.  I know it seems awful to you, but you are learning important skills.  It’s good to have fun and have great things, but it’s also good to pay your way.  Teenagers are usually unhappy about something anyway and this way you can focus on your parents instead of yourself.  If your parents are good parents and responsible, they are doing a good job.  I admire self-suffiency.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My parents have travelled  cross-country to spend Christmas Week with us the past five years since I am an only child and our children the only grandchildren.  My wife’s parents live only four hours away.  She is the youngest of four children.  She and her sisters have eleven children between them.    When we married, my parents asked that we always share Christmas with them since they’d be alone otherwise.  I know my wife would like to spend Christmas with her family this year, but I hate to think of my parents being alone.  My parents are much older and may not have many more Christmases.  Is it wrong of me to Insist on having Christmas week with my family?  Tail in a crack

Dear Tail, Just so you know, no one knows how many holidays are in their future.  Your parents have already manipulated you into spending Chrismas Week with you the past five years.  It is unreasonable that you not share Christmas with your wife’s family from time to time.  I’d say she’s been more than generous.  In a marriage, your first loyalty should be to your wife. Invite your parents for an alternate time, either before or after the holiday.  People celebrate on other days all the time.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda. We can own to visit my parents at Christmas this year.  We havea toddler and an infant.  I want to get a hotel room instead of staying at their house.  They have a cat and dog who climb everywhere and I don’t want them hopping all over the kids bedding.  My father also snores horribly and disturbs our rest.  My parents are very upset that we won’t be spending the night.  We will go over to spend our day.  Is it awful to refuse to stay with them?  Our visit last year seemed endless and none of us got any sleep.  In the doghouse.

Dear Doghouse, No, it’s your visit and your decision.   Everyone needs their sleep and some private time.  Do what’s best for you and your family, but I’d pay for the room myself!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am a sixteen-year old girl. There are four of us children.  My parents insist we attend church services with them twice on Sunday and on Wednesday night.  If one of them is sick or can’t go, we all still have to go.  We have to line up the seats like a bunch of dopes and sit together.  I hate going to this crazy church and don’t share their outrageous beliefs.  This isn’t even a regular church, my grandpa just stands around in in old store on Sundays and lectures us about how to act and what to wear.  It’s mostly about women leading men into sin and “thou shalt not……”  I wouldn’t go, but if I stay at home I have to go to church.  I love my mother and the little kids, but could do without Dad if I had somewhere else to go.  What is a kid supposed to do if their family makes them go to a “nut church.”  Hate it!

Dear Hate it!  It depends entirely on what kind of “nut” things the church believes.  If your church is involved in sexual, psychological, emotional, or physical abuse, this goes beyond the limits of acceptable.  No one should be forced to have sex or be suffer abuse.  The role of religion is guidance and edification not control.  You may have to put up with the churchgoing until you are on your own if there is no abuse involved.  If you feel a line is being crossed, talk to someone outside your family or church.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, With the Christmas season coming up, I realize again I don’t have normal feelings.  I have never felt love and attachment for anyone or anything.  I have felt angry if I have been mistreated, but that is a measurable emotion, since it involves breaking a rule.  When I see couples together, or people expressing affection toward a child or an animal, I feel mystified.  I have no more desire to pet an animal than a brick.  I don’t feel sad or lonely; I just feel nothing.  I do what is right, but I feel no need to share with anyone.  I follow society’s rules, but don’t feel involved.  I do a good job at work everyday, eat dinner at the same place every night, watch TV or listen to music.  I am pleasant to my neighbors, because it helps life go smoothly, do don’t have any desire to know them.  I exercise to stay healthy.  When I hear people getting fired up about things, I wish they could be reasonable.  Am I the only person who feels this way.  Maybe a Machine

Dear Maybe, I am sure you are not.  I am glad you aren’t happy and live a good life.  Many people don’t do that well.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, my husband and I had four boys, all high-achievers.  We raised them all in church and they all did well in school and participated extracurricular activities.  Three of the four did well and became adults we can be proud of.  Our third son, Evan was always the “wild” one.  Though he did well in school academically, he was always in trouble.  He was invited on vacation with family friends and sneaked alcohol along when he was just thirteen.  I have no idea how he got it since we didn’t have alcohol in our home.  We had to go get him.  All through high school he made opportunities to get in trouble.  He did finally get through college, by the skin of his teeth.  He got several DUIs.  He abused drugs and alcohol until he was recently arrested for the fourth time.  This is breaking our hearts.  Why on earth would a kid who was raised right make such a mess of his life?  We still love him, but don’t expect anything to change. Giving up on Evan

Dear Giving Up, Evan does seemed to have closed every door opened to him.  Who knows what drives people?  Though your heart is breaking, it it time to let Evan do with his life what he will and go on without allowing him to  manipulate you.  He will make it or he won’t, but his history wouldn’t make me expect much good in his future.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I married young and had a large family right away.  I have always felt inferior to my siblings who both went to college and had impressive careers.  I was a stay at home mother.  My five children are grown and married with children, my husband is retiring soon, and I still feel embarrassed not to have gone to college.  I could take classes now, it would be ridiculous to do it when we are enjoying the freedom to travel and enjoy our retirement.  I do hate to grow old without ever having distinguished myself.  Regrets

Dar Regrets, Raising five children is no small accomplishment, but you might be more satisfied if you worked for a cause you believe in.  There are worlds of volunteer opportunities that are worthwhile and don’t involve a huge commitment.  Auntie Linda