November 23, 2015

Dear Auntie Linda,  Robert and I divorced when our kids were two and three and he left me for a doctor in his medical practice.  We shared joint custody till two years ago, when I went out of town on vacation.  He moved across the country to his old home town where his father is a judge and his brother a family practice lawyer. Filing for custody there on grounds of abuse since the three-year-old sustained a broken arm while in my care.  Joey had fallen off the swing at daycare.  They called me and I took him to the ER. The move and custody action were a done deal by the time I found out. I ended up with only supervised visitation.  I’ve been able to meet them at the park twice and his grandmother invited me to visit them at her house the last two visits, since she genuinely loves the children and feels they need a relationship with me.  She holds the family purse strings and Robert dares not oppose her.

Since this happened, I worry about losing my relationship with the children, since I can’t afford the travel expense more than twice a year.  The expense is a challenge for me on a teacher’s salary.  Joey still remembers me, but Susie doesn’t remember living with me, since she was so little.  I am just the Mommy who visits at Grandma’s house and brings presents.  I applied for a teaching position there, thinking I could see the children more often, but Robert got word of it and blocked me through friends at the schoolboard.

I feel hopeless, but Robert’s grandmother does allow me to send the children gifts and cards to her home.  She allows me to visit with them by phone and video.  What can I do to unravel this mess when I am buffaloed by a powerful family?  Cut Out of Children’s Lives

Dear Cut Out,  In view of this situation, there may not be a lot you can do.  Thank goodness, Grandma wants to children to have a relationship with you.  Hang in there.  Keep visiting as often as possible.  Children want and need both parents.  One day, the situation will turn around, especially if the children ask after you.  Hopefully, their father will bow to their requests when they can express themselves.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, My son teenage son died three years ago.  In addition to the grieving, I have become isolated.  People seem to think death is contagious.  Many of my friends change the subject if I bring his name up in conversation.  It’s not like I dwell on my loss when I am in a group, but if friends are touching on a topic that relates to him, I would like to be able to mention him in passing, such as passing on a funny story.  Just because he died, doesn’t mean he never existed.  Please pass on to your readers that they shouldn’t avoid people who have suffered a loss.  You don’t have to duck around to keep from saying the wrong thing.  You don’t have to say anything.  A kind look or a warm hug means the world.  I know you are sorry for my loss. Just don’t cut me out because your are uncomfortable.  If you want to talk about their lost family, just ask if it makes them uncomfortable.  They might be grateful.  Let them drive the conversation and just listen.  Miss My Boy

Dear Miss, You have given some good advice that could help a lot of people.  I’ll bet your boy was something special.  Auntie Linda

Email your questions to Auntie Linda at lbeth1950@hotmail.com

 

 Dear Auntie Linda,  I have two children thirteen and eleven.  My ex and I have been divorced four years and have shared custody of the children with no problems ever since.   I recently remarried and am pregnant.  My new husband Ron was just offered a great job and wants to move across the country, meaning I would only be able to see my children summers, holidays and an occasional long weekend.  I don’t want to leave the older children, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime for Ron. I worry Ron will blame me if he misses out on this opportunity.  Would it be wrong to ask Ron to pass up this chance?  Torn Mama

Dear Mama, There is no one and only opportunity for anyone.  It won’t ruin a person’s life to pass up an opportunity since they are most often made, not found.  You and Ron can make choices.  The children can’t.  I would never encourage a parent to choose to accept a lesser role in their children’s lives to advance a career.  Yours and Ron’s first responsibility is to the children, all of them.  Ron knew you had children when you married.  You have the rest of your lives to focus on other things.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, I am fifty-two, divorced, and have a good job, but my kids are ruining my life.  My thirty-year-old son works, but won’t move out of the house, though I have repeatedly told him he and the three big dogs who have ruined my furniture have to go.  My younger son is twenty-four and has moved his girlfriend and their two children in.  He works, but doesn’t help with the bills, since they need the money for pot. His girlfriend doesn’t take care of the kids are clean up behind them.  My daughter moved away with her boyfriend and left her nine-year-old daughter, Vessie with me.  I don’t want to throw Vessie out, but the rest need to go.  How can I get grown kids out of the house when they just refuse to go?  Flop House Mama

Dear Floppie Mama,  It’s good those kids aren’t paying rent.  Since they aren’t tenants, they have no legal status.  If you are serious about wanting them out, give them a date and tell them you will call the police if they don’t move.

Dear Auntie Linda,  There is no solution for this problem since the die is cast, but I need to vent.  My in-laws have always been very distant and made it clear they don’t care for some of their children or grandchildren.  Before his death, my father-in-law Bob and mother-in-law Louise established a trust for the division of their property.  Louise  encourages her son Bob to disown two of his daughters.  She has told me and Moe she doesn’t want one of our daughters around.  Bob’s wife has been going through Louise’s house for years, accusing the rest of taking valuable antiques.  Believe me, Louise wouldn’t let anybody get away with anything.  We live next door to Louise.  Moe and I take her to church, the grocery store, to the doctor, and everywhere else she goes unless, one of my daughter’s gives us a break.  Moe goes down every morning to cook her breakfast and give her insulin shot.  Last year, when he worked her cattle and sold them for her, she said she’d divide the proceeds between him and one other brother, who didn’t help at all.  It never happened.  Louise is a miserable, divisive person.  She uses us all to her advantage.  She is hinting that everything to my ten-year-grandson, who says he wants to be a farmer, cutting out two children and seven children.  I do hope she makes some effort at fairness, since she has spent her whole manipulating and destroying relationships. Disgusted Daugher-in-Law

Dear Disgusted, Don’t hold your breath.  People are likely to want to hold as much power as long as possible.  She will be able to punish and control as long as her children live depending on how she divides her property.  That is a lot of power.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda, I am sixty-four years old. My in-laws have always been a thorn in my side.  I have spent endless days babysitting when my sisters-in-law were sick, had abandoned their families, or just had better things to do. (My husband’s offer, not mine)  His brothers or cousins moved in with us when they fell upon hard times.  My husband often loaned money without consulting me, causing our family to do without.   After my husband died ten years ago, I didn’t bother to keep us with his family, though I have turned down a few requests for loans.  My adult son is obsessed with his father’s memory and family, calling me frequently to update me on their family news and encouraging me to rekindle family relationships, even though he frequently can’t make it to gatherings for our side of the family.  Recently, a sister-in-law invited me to her birthday party, which I attended.  When I told my forty-two year-old-son I was going, he cried, saying he was so happy “the family was getting back together.”  Why on earth would a forty-two-year old man be obsessed with cousins and aunts, while showing little interest in his mother, sisters, and his own children?  Puzzled Mother

Dear Puzzled,  I think you just answered it.  He prefers that side of the family, since he misses his father.  It is likely the conversation focuses on experiences he enjoyed and talk of his father and good times they experienced. It is not likely he was impacted by the impositions you experienced.  Likely, he had a great time if extra kids were in the house.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I have visited Great-Aunt Virgie every summer since I was a child.  She still lives alone in the little mountain valley cabin where she raised her family.  The cabin needs a lot of work or it will fall down soon.  She is now eighty-six.  Summer before last, we noticed she was slipping a little and called us by the wrong names a lot.  Our last visit was very worrisome, though she never left her stove on or appeared to get lost.  She is getting paranoid, thinking her neighbor of forty years is trying to steal her tobacco lease and did try to cook some sausage that was off.  When we went upstairs to go to bed, mice had gotten into the upstairs bedrooms and the beds were covered in rat pellets.  A window had fallen out and the rugs had molded.  My husband repaired the window, leaky toilet, porch steps, put a new gas line on her stove.  Hers was leaking and she was turning it off at the wall every time she got through cooking.   We cleaned the house from end to end, outfitting the all the beds in fresh bedding.  She wouldn’t let us throw the moldy rugs, so we took them out, beat them, and sprayed with disinfectant.  My husband did some much needed plumbing repairs in the kitchen.  We worked non-stop for two weeks.

We talked to my cousin.  He has since taken her to live with him and his wife.  Great-Aunt Virgie wrote us recently, letting us know Cousin Robert will bring her back home whenever we are ready to visit.  We never intend to go back there after that last miserable trip.  We told her we’d get a room near Cousin Robert and visit, but she is insistent.  How do we handle this?  We don’t want to go to her house again.  It’s sure to be in worse shape if she’s been gone for months.  Reluctant Guest

Dear Reluctant, Talk to Cousin Robert.  Let him know you won’t make it to her cabin this summer, but would like to get a room and visit her there in his town.  Once you’ve made sure he knows the plan, you can write and let her know you can only stay a couple of days and will take a room near them.  Don’t let Cousin Robert mess you up.  He might want you to do more repairs.  Auntie Linda

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  I moved in with a friend while I was still in high school.  My mother is toxic and my father has a serious brain-injury.  I moved out because his behavior was inappropriate.  He had no sexual-inhibitions and grabs any girl or woman within reach.  He said whatever crossed his mind.  Even though he was a wonderful father before his accident, that man is gone.  Life with him was way too stressful.  I had to leave to save my sanity.  My wedding is coming up soon.  I want a story-book wedding.  My mother wants to reconcile.  I don’t want her or my father anywhere near me.  My mother is threatening to show up with my father, saying it is her right as a mother.  I haven’t seen her or my father in six years, though my cousins say nothing has changed.  My mother is still horrible, behaving like a total witch when she is crossed and my father is no better than when I fled home.  My life has been so much better without any contact.  I can’t go back into that hell and don’t want my wedding ruined.  Am I horrible to be planning to leave them out.  What do I do?  Orphan By Choice

Dear Orphan,  If you fear your mother will intrude bringing your father, maybe you should consider having a destination wedding with only a few guests you can trust not to break your confidence.  No one has to know your plans.  People do that all the time.  Auntie Linda

 

 

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a widow on a fixed income.  My only daughter Megan is thirty-two years old.  Despite her two degrees, she has never had a job, though she puts in applications frequently, but only applies for professional positions in her field.  She never gets up before one in the afternoon.  I know she is not drinking or doing drugs, since she never leaves the house.  She just stays up all night.  Though I am her mother, I have to admit, her appearance and personality are a big part of the problem.  She wears a size twenty-two, has sloppy hair and grooming, and chatters nervously.  If I were hiring, I probably wouldn’t choose her.  I won’t live forever and am worried she will end up homeless since we struggle by on my retirement check.  Do you have any advice for me?  Near Penniless

Dear Near Penniless,  I know you are worried.  Things don’t look good for Megan.  It is time for her to take whatever she can get.  It is better to be an underemployed at a low wage than be an overqualified unemployed person. Is there anyone besides you who could talk to her?  Goodwill Industries has an excellent job training and job skills program.  She needs to talk to them.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My eighty year old mother just moved in with me and my husband, not because she needs help, but because she didn’t want to invest in her aging house at her age.  She gets along fine and doesn’t require assistance.  The problem is, I don’t really feel comfortable leaving her alone when we go out of town.  She still drives and in her old community, she had friends in for coffee every day.  We live in a more rural area and don’t even know our neighbors. If she had trouble, she might not be found.  I have four siblings who say they’d be glad to have her for the weekend when we leave, but somehow, it never works out.  It’s always a bad weekend, they have other plans, or they have to babysit the grandchildren.  I worry when she is alone, even though she has a cell phone.  What can you suggest?  Mama’s Girl

Dear Mama’s Girl, Let your siblings know they need to take a turn.  Give them plenty of notice of your plans and tell them it’s up to them to work it out between themselves, otherwise you will pick one and take Mama over there yourself.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, Our daughter Becky is bipolar and has been married three times.  She and her first husband David have two children of whom David has sole custody.  We all live in the same small town.  We loved David and welcomed him as a son. He has always come for all holidays since he has no parents and considers us family.  We were devastated when Becky left him for another man.  She has been very unstable, in and out of relationships and more or less dropped out of family activities after her marriage to David broke up.  She just married #3 about a month ago.  He seems okay, but time will tell.  The problem is, Becky has asked us to ask David to just drop the children off so she and #3 can celebrate with “just family.”  We refuse to do this, since he is the primary parent and the children have never celebrated without him.  Also, he is extremely generous at sharing the children with us, letting them visit any time we ask.  We can’t afford to jeopardize our relationship with the children just to please her.  Becky is furious, saying we’ve chosen David over her.  She says she won’t come if David is there. What do we say?   Torn

Dear Torn, When two people have children, they will have a relationship for life, like it or not.  The children’s needs are most important.  Tell Becky, “Dinner is at noon just as planned.  Hope you can make it!”  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Lnda, My husband and Mother dislike each other.  I am caught between them.  Mama picks for information about family, and he responds hatefully.  I am caught between two difficult people.  They complain to me about the other.  I have come to dread Mama’s visits.  Sometimes, I would like to pinch both hands off.  How do you handle two ornery people.

Dear hate it.refuse to get involved,  they probably  won’t notice.