Dear Auntie Linda, Several of us were having coffee together, as we often do in the mornings when two women started discussing a mutual friend, saying, “You’re not going to believe what Brenda did.”  She looked around at the rest of us then whispered, “I’ll tell you later.”  The two of them frequently refer to private conversations, ensuring that the rest know they are best friends.  Two of us got up and left immediately.  Why would women in their sixties do this?  Insulted

Dear Insulted,  I guess they never got grown.  I’d let them know I was leaving so they could enjoy some “private time.”  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse.  My friend,who is also a nurse is in the last stages of breast cancer, has stashed pain medications.  She plans to overdose when her pain is bearable.  She has asked me to be with her.  I cannot bring myself to do this since it is against my beliefs.  I am concerned that I am responsible since I know she plans to end her life.  Should I tell her family or doctor.  Soul Searching

Dear Soul, Tell your friend that you can not go against your conscience.  Ask her to talk to her family and doctor.  No one would want a friend to feel they have imperilled their soul.  After that, it is out of your hands.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My father died last year at the age of fifty-two.  He was an excellent provider and left Mother adequately provided for, if she is careful.  They lived modestly, but well.  They married while they were in college and Mother never finished her degree.  She has never had to work outside the home.  Dad paid all the bills.  The problem is, Mother never learned to manage money.  I am concerned that she will run out of money at the rate she is spending.  She has taken three cruises, donated $10,000 to her church, and is now remodeling the house.  When Dad knew he was dying, he asked me to help Mom manage her money.  I have tried to sit down with her, make a budget, and go over a long-term plan with her.  She really needs to get a part-time job to make her money last and keep her occupied, but she wants no part of it.  How can I reach her?  No Brakes on Spending

Dear No Brakes, This is worrisome.  Assuming your mother is also in her fifties, she will need to plan for a lot of years.  If I were you, I would remind her that your father asked you to help her plan and go ahead and do a simple outline projecting how much money it will take to sustain her should she live thirty years.  Keep it as simple as possible.  Who knows if she will listen, but she probably doesn’t want to have to sell the house and belongings at some point and just squeak by on social security.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, The kids, age fourteen and eleven,  who live across the street are at my house all the time. Their mother works nights as a psychiatric nurse.  I’ve heard her screaming at them.  Lately, they have been coming for breakfast and coming here straight after school, staying for dinner most nights. Their father gets in about six but they don’t go home till after seven when their mother goes to work. I am happy to feed a hungry kid.  Both kids tell me their mother locks them out because they make too much noise when she’s trying to sleep and has put locks on the cupboards because they eat too much.  What do I do?  Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,  These children are neglected and abused.  Report this to child protection.  I am glad you look out for them.  They need a friend.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I work in Human Resources and broke my own rule.  As a favor to a dear cousin, I asked the manager of another department to look at a his son’s resume. To clarify, I did not ask the other manager to hire or even interview, just look at  Joey’s resume.  There was no policy against this.  It happens all the time.  Joey had an excellent resume and interviewed well.  There was an open position for which he seemed a good fit, so the other manager  hired Joey.  I asked Joey not to mention our relationship at work, even though we are no closer than cousins.  I was unhappy when, Joey told everyone we are related, though we have different last names.  Before long, Joey was sharing family stories at work.  Needless to say, I was offended.  I called Joey after work, asking him to refrain from bringing my name and any family business at work.  Within months, Joey was arrested at on charges of dealing drugs and theft at work.  I am mortified, wishing I’d never heard of Joey.

It was a high-profile case on the news.  The next day, knowing the rumor mill would be buzzing, I went to my office and held a staff meeting, letting everyone know I was aware what was going on with Joey  and gave them a chance to ask questions, feeling I’d rather deal with the situation head on than have to dread whispering.  I got a few questions till people lost interest.  The point of this story is, don’t ever help an acquaintance or family at your own expense.  It is very likely to bite you.  Once Bitten

Dear Once,  I agree with you 100%.  I have suffered a similar embarrassment.  Best to let everyone look out for themselves.  A good candidate can stand on his or her own.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My son-in-law is in prison for sexual assault and second-degree murder of my daughter.  I have custody full-custody of their small children and have moved away so my grandchildren can  start over in a community about three-hundred miles away and avoid the notoriety of their father’s crime.  They are now three and four, and are starting to ask about their dad.  The other grandparents make it clear they feel he is not guilty.  They have made the trip to visit the children twice since his incarceration a year ago.  I know the children will have to deal with the situation one day, but want them to be a little older.  The four-year-old remembers both his parents and knows his mother is dead, though is unaware his father murdered his mother.  He just thinks his dad is sick and had to go away for a while.  Both children love their grandparents and I know they need family.  I have allowed them have supervised visits, but now they are petitioning for unsupervised visits in their home.  I am terrified they will let something slip. What do I do?  Hiding out

Dear Hiding, I know you don’t want anything to slip out, but these children will learn the truth one day.  The best you can hope for is damage control.  Talk to a family therapist. If the court hasn’t appointed an advocate for the children, ask that one be appointed.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am a seventeen-year-old boy and barely squeaking through high-school, even though I am working very hard.  I manage to get Cs even though I can barely write, but I know I am smart.  I can fix a car, repair a lawn-mower, and do all kinds of repairs on anything that breaks down around the house, mechanical, plumbing, or just plain repairs like windows.  I am a good kid, just rotten at math and reading.  I want to have a good life and make a living?  What can a person who can’t make it in college do?  Not the right kind of smart

Dear Not, There all kinds of smart.  I suggest you check out technical training like welding, plumbing, heating and air conditioner, or engine repair.  There are plenty of technical jobs and an opportunity for anyone with drive, ambition, and the desire to succeed.  A good work ethic might be your greatest asset.  Don’t undervalue that.  If I’d had to depend on my math or computer skills, my children would have starved to death.  I used to wonder the same thing you do, knowing my greatest interest was reading.  I thought writing was too big a hill to climb.  Go for it!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother interferes with everything we do, inserting herself into every situation.  “This is the way we always do it.”  We never have a holiday without them, even if my parents come from out of town.  She butts in on decisions about the children, even discipline, and how we manage our money. She even criticized the way my mother dressed in a mixed group after her last visit.  My mother was dressed perfectly appropriately, just not up to my MIL’s standards.  I’ve told my husband I need his support when his mother interferes but he refuses, blowing it off, saying, “That’s just how Mother is.  Don’t let it worry you.”  I am starting to hate my MIL and am furious at my husband.  How do I get him to support me.  Underdog

Dear Underdog, Tell your husband all you just said, letting him know you will no longer tolerate his mother’s interference.  Let him know in no uncertain terms that he must support you.  If he waffles, next time your MIL interferes feel free to say, John and I have agreed to……….. , and the subject is closed, isn’t it John.  If she persists, refuse to discuss it any further, even if you have to excuse yourselves, or tell her the visit is over, you will see her soon.   Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My mother is the guidance counselor at my high school.  She is loved by the kids, parents, and teachers.  She is bubbly, fun, and goes to bat for everyone, especially the popular kids.  Sometimes she buys shoes or pays fees for students who need it.  She flips the switch on her personality when she gets in the car on the way home, tormenting me about my weight and calls into me a slob.  She is cruel and cutting.  I am not the cheerleader type, just an average girl, not fat or skinny.  She makes it clear I am not good enough.  As soon as she gets home, she starts gets a drink and gets on the computer.  She doesn’t spend any time with me or my brother, screaming “I’m sick of kids.  Leave me the h— alone.”  My dad can’t walk through the room without her jumping on him.

She makes our lives miserable.  What makes her be so mean at home and so sweet at school?  She loves everyone but her family.  Cheated out of a Mom

Dear Cheated, I feel for you.  Sounds like your Mom is better at superficial relationships. She sounds narcissistic, more concerned about herself than her family.  I don’t know what say except to stay close to your dad and brother.  You all need each other.  auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am twenty-four and planning to be married soon in a big traditional wedding.  I saw my father at a restaurant with one of my mother’s friends last week.  I don’t believe he saw me.  Now, I am worried sick.  I always thought my parents had a happy marriage.  I don’t know what to do.  Do I ask my father about this or just let it go? Shocked

Dear Shocked,  Tell your father what you saw.  There may be a good explanation.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My father died last year.  He and my mother owned two homes.  Mother doesn’t want to live alone in a distant city since Dad died.  She moved into the apartment attached to my home in rural Tennessee.  She gets along really well and my family and I enjoy her company.  My three small children love having their grandmother here.  Mother is only sixty-two and in excellent health.  She wants to sell her two homes, one in New York and one in the Bahamas and build a house nearby.  Two of my siblings are furious that she wants to sell “their inheritance.”  They are both single with no children and believe I am using my children to influence Mother.  They are making her miserable.  How do I convince them I don’t have a finger in the pie? Spoiled Siblings

Dear Spoiled, Your mother will have to handle this.  If I were in this position, I’d remind the all my children that I planned to live awhile and need home now.  When I am dead, they will get whatever I feel the deserve in my will.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband has started attending a  bizarre fundamentalist church.  He contributes way over what we can afford.  I have attended this church and feel it is cult-like.  I told him I want nothing to do with it.  Last Sunday, he came home telling me he is entering the ministry, selling our house, and moving into the church compound.  He has always been too dominant but now he is moving toward irrational.  What do I do  I don’t work and have small children.  I don’t know if I can make it on my own.  Not Churchy

Dear Not Churchy,  Talk to a lawyer.  You can go to legal aid if needed.  Sounds like you need to have a plan.  Women make it all the time who think they can’t.  Best the heck out of trying to escape from a cult and then figuring out how to make it on your own.

Email Auntie Linda  lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a fourteen year-old girl with parents in a miserable relationship.  My father is verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom and us kids.  She can’t stand up to him.  Frankly, even if she tried, he’d out out-shout and out-argue and overwhelm her with cruel remarks about her family, her habits, any old wrongs, imagined or real.  She has no more power in the relationship than the kids do.  I’ve begged her to leave him, but she says she can’t take care of us.  She even said she’d feel guilty knowing He couldn’t take care of himself.  I am not an idiot.  I know it would not help me to run away or rebel against him.  My mother uses self-pity and self-denigration to keep me under her thumb.  “You can’t leave.  I wouldn’t have anybody.  I can’t get a job.  Who would take care of the younger children?  Nobody would hire me anyway.  I don’t have any skills.  I don’t have the clothes to go to work.”  Her wailing and misery goes on and on.

I know I have no choice except to tolerate a miserable situation until I graduate high school.  I am working like a maniac in school so I can get away from this unhappy situation.  Do you have any advice for me.  Caught

Dear Caught,  This is awful, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and understand the situation thoroughly.  I don’t know that there is any recourse against being hateful or verbally abusive, but should your father become physically abusive, you could contact the police.  As for your mother, you need to shut the conversation down when she starts manipulating you with self-pity.  It won’t help her or you.  I am glad you have a plan.  It sounds like a smart one.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie,  I love my wife dearly.  She is an excellent cook but a  horrible housekeeper.  I love her, but hate having total responsibility for cleaning the house, yard, and doing the laundry. She says it doesn’t bother her living in a mess and refuses to help at all.  How can I get her to do better?  Messy House

Dear Messy, You may not be able to.  If that is your major complaint, maybe you should take over the housework yourself.  Maybe you would feel better if she took over another responsibility that you are handling now.  Perhaps she could do all the cooking, shopping and bill paying, or some other job you can reallocate.  Unfortunately, millions of people are in the situation of getting stuck with all the housework.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am an average-looking and acting forty-five year-old single woman.  I live in the suburbs.  The boy next door is fifteen.  He has taken care of my mowing and yard-work for three years.  Last week, he came over and rang the doorbell.  When I answered he asked if I’d like to have sex.  I was so shocked, I said, “What did you say?”  He asked me again if I’d like to have sex.  I said “NO!” and slammed the door.  In about five minutes he rang the doorbell again.  Never dreaming it would be him again, I answered.  He said, “Please don’t tell my mother.”  What in the world would possess him to do such a thing?  Puzzled but not Impressed.

Dear Puzzled, Sounds like he watched too many porn movies and listened to too many wild stories.  I wouldn’t be too worried about a boy who didn’t want you to tattle to Mama.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I went to have my teeth cleaned today.  I’ve used the same hygienist for years, but today she wore my ears out.  She’s getting a divorce and thought I needed to know all about it.  I had no interest in her story, especially when she got to their sexual issues and what she expects from a man.  I was a captive with instruments in my mouth.  I finally waved her down and asked her to change the subject when I saw she was going to keep on.  I won’t be shy about telling her I don’t want to hear about her personal life before we start next time, but surely I am not the first person who got a load of garbage.  I encourage all hostage-holding caregivers and service providers to keep their personal business to themselves.  Most of us have enough on our plates already.  Sore Ears

Dear Sore Ears, That is very good advice.  Airing sexual issues can constitute sexual harassment, whether you offend customers or co-workers and is definitely not appropriate in these situations.  Thanks for writing.

Email your problems and questions to lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda, at a work function last week I had too much drink and made insulting and caustic remarks about my boss.  He didn’t hear me, but there is no way it won’t get back to  hm what I said.  He is out of the office for the next two weeks, but  I can’t imagine that I won’t be fired.  Even if I weren’t, I don’t know that I would feel I could stay.  Should I just go ahead and quit now before he gets back.  Big Mouth Drunk

Dear Big Mouth, Spend the time before he gets back updating your resume and starting your job search.  Ask for an appointment with your boss.  With your letter of resignation in hand, apologize, making no excuses for yourself, telling him you are prepared to submit your resignation, if necessary, instead of waiting for termination. Depending on your past performance and your value to the company, it is possible there might be a miracle and this will blow over.  Consider not drinking.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother is eighty-two and in poor health.  She has given my sister and brother a considerable sum over the years.  I have never asked her for anything.  I recently asked her to make a will and reminded her of her gifts to my siblings.  She got angry and accused me of trying to rush her to the grave and get her money.  I would like an equal share with them.  Was I wrong?  Left out

Dear Left Out,  You were right that she needs to make a will.  Everyone should.  It is up to her how she leaves her money.  There is no way to anticipate what a person might do.  Auntie Linda