Dear Auntie Linda, My father-in-law is way too grabby and makes inappropriate remarks, even in front of his wife and my husband  My mother-in-law acts like she is blind and My husband, Reggie excuses him, saying, “That’s just the way Daddy is.  He doesn’t mean anything by it.”  I am angered by his father’s behavior and by Reggie’s attitude.  Isn’t a husband supposed to speak up for his wife.  What is wrong with this family?  How do I deal with this without causing a flap?  Hands Off

Dear Hands Off, Don’t be shy.  Doesn’t sound like the sensitive type.  The next time he pats you or says something offensive, don’t mince words.  Tell him to keep his hands to himself and his mind out of the gutter.  Obviously, you have to look out for yourself.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda.  My father-in-law has been the minister of the church we attend for more than thirty years.  He is well-respected though he is physically abusive to his wife, was abusive to his children, and has had a girlfriend or two on the side.  This is not a big town.  It would seem like word would get around, but I’ve never heard a complaint about him.  I attend church faithfully with my husband and children, but don’t get a lot out of the service in view of what I know about this man.  How can people get way with secrets like this?  It seems like someone would have to notice something.  Puzzled

Dear Puzzled, It does make you wonder.  I guess that family must have kept his abuse to themselves and he just hasn’t gotten caught with another woman.  He met be more organized than I am to keep his stories straight!  Auntie Linda

email Auntie Linda at lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am twenty-one, the oldest of seven children.  I work as a checker in a supermarket and take college classes but still live at home to help take care of my mother who is diabetic, on dialysis, and blind. My two sisters also work, go to college and share the responsibility with me.  I have four brothers under fourteen..  I know my mother won’t live much longer.  My father is an alcoholic and was physically abusive to the entire family as long as he was able.  He has cirrhosis of the liver and he rarely gets out of bed. He may go before my mother. I don’t expect either of them to live long and frankly, it will be a relief to have my father gone.  I am worried what will happen to my brothers when my parents die, but don’t want to worry my mother by talking about this.  At twenty-one, am I old enough to get custody of my brothers?  I don’t want them to go into the foster care system.  My sisters and I are anxious to keep them together.  We have been caring for them and my parents for a couple of years already.  Who do I talk to and where do I start?  Sister

Dear Sister, At twenty-one, you are a responsible adult.  Talk to the social worker at your mothers dialysis clinic.  She should be able to help you, and will know how to talk to you mother.  Your brothers should be eligible for social security benefits when the time comes.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  The women I work with are terrible gossips.  They zone in on whoever happens to be off that day, dissecting their weight, looks, family situations and work habits.  They rotate around till they get everybody.  I don’t join in, but know my reserve makes me a target.  I either act like I don’t hear or change the subject when they try to engage me.  I am becoming more of an outsider every day.    How do you avoid gossip without becoming a target?  Quiet One

Dear Quiet, You are right not to get involved.  What you don’t say won’t be repeated.  People will gossip as they please, but at least you won’t get your tail in a crack.  They probably think you are a snob, but you have other places to socialize.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am seventy-two years old and recently widowed.  I have three sisters and a brother I love dearly, but my older sister is cold, critical, and very difficult to tolerate.  I love her boys and look forward to seeing them at family gatherings.  Both Nona and I were recently widowed.  Her husband was a lovely man and a dear friend to both me and my late husband so we maintained a relationship for his sake.  None of our siblings nor her boys will have anything to do with Nona..  She has recently moved less than a mile from me without telling me till after she bought a house. She also joined my church.  I am very upset dreading the trouble she will stir up with my church friends.  I have struggled to maintain a relationship with Nona but don’t want to deal with her on a regular basis,  How do I tolerate her?  I don’t want to have to move to get away.  Avoiding Trouble

Dear Avoiding, She must be a miserable piece of work if everybody cut her off.  You will have to set strict limits on your relationship.  Your friends will figure her out for themselves.  You are not responsible.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother used my personal information to get credit and has ruined my credit.  I don’t know what to do.  I can struggle to pay her debts or report her for identity theft, for which she will be prosecuted.  I won’t do that.  Mother and I had a good relationship.  I never dreamed she’d do such a thing.  She has begged me not to tell my father.  I feel hopeless, graduating with student loan debt and now my mother’s debt hanging over my head.  I am working now and living at home to save money, but my father has asked me to pay $300 rent.  Under normal circumstances, I would expect to do this.  I believe in paying my way, but can’t afford rent and debt repayment.  I need to stay here until the debt is paid, about three years.  What in the world do I do?  In a Bind

Dear Bind,  You mother betrayed your trust and is now asking you to be complicit in deceiving your father.  This is wrong.  She needs to come clean with your father and make good on her debt so you can meet your responsibilities.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am forty-eight year old widow.  My adopted son will be getting out of prison soon after serving seventeen years for sexual assault and murder.  He is a psychopath.  My husband and I were good parents but Joey had problems from the start. We always knew he would do something horrible and were afraid of him.  My husband died of cancer less than a year after Joey went to prison.  I moved to escape the shame and pain of Joey’s crime.  I am afraid of him and never want to see him again.  Joey has written to family wanting to know where I am.  So far, no one has told him, but I know it is only a matter of time till he tracks me down.  I have a good job and life now and don’t want to move.  What do I do?  Scared Mama

Dear Scared.  Ask to be notified by the prison when Joey is to be released.  It might be best to move and change jobs and notify only family who can be trusted since you fear Joey.  Ask the police for advice.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My parents are in their late sixties.  My brother who has Cerebral Palsy lives with them.  He requires a great deal of assistance.  My father has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother, but now his health is failing.  Mother is caring for two wheel-chair bound adults.  Dad gets meaner by the day.  He refuses to let Home-Health assist with care for either him or my brother, though their care is working Mom to death.  Last week, the brakes went out on the car and Dad refused to put it in the shop.  He sat in his wheelchair and talked Mom through the repair.  He won’t listen to me. Mom is so emotionally battered she can’t stick up for herself.   Where do I turn?  Hopeless

Dear Hopeless, If your father won’t see reason, tell him you will contact Adult Protection, then do it!

Dear Auntie Linda, I am in my fourth year of college and just humiliated myself so badly in class I don’t think I can ever go back. We were having a test and I was trying to wait till the end of class to go to bathroom, since we couldn’t leave during the test.  As I stood to turn in my test and leave,  I lost control of my bowels and soiled myself in front of the whole class.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I slid in it and fell making a long streak on the floor, soiling my clothes further, and even the test.  The professor looked at me and said, “Just drop your test in the trash.  Call me to schedule a makeup for you later.”  Some of the class laughed before they got control of themselves, but most tried to act like they didn’t see anything. The smell was horrendous.   I am so humiliated I don’t feel I can go back to class, but I have to have this class to graduate in the spring.  What in the world do I do” Deep Doo Doo

Dear Deep, When you call your professor to reschedule, let them know how you are feeling.  Perhaps some alternative can be worked out to spare you the embarrassment of going back to class.  If not, go back to class.  The first time will be the worst.  It will be awkward, but don’t give up on your plans over this.  Probably after the second return to class, people will have little interest in you.  The less said, the better.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I work for a financial institution and carelessly failed to reveal information at my job that ultimately cost my supervisor her job and cost the company millions.  No one knows the information is in my files but me.  I know if the information comes out, I will lose my job and could face prosecution.  I don’t feel comfortable working here any longer, and fear I may blunder and expose what I have done. I never dreamed I could end up in this position.  My ex-supervisor has no idea I made this error and am to blame for her termination.  It is difficult to face her when we meet in public.  How in the world do I protect myself.  I can’t sleep nights.  Feel like a bum.

Dear Bum,  You need a lawyer, now!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie, This doesn’t seem like much of a problem as problems go, but it bothers me.  My husband and I are both nurses.  He works twelve hour day shifts during the week and I work twelve hour shifts on three weekend nights so one of us will always be able to care of our two small children who are home-schooled.  This is full-time for both of us, even though it does involve less days.  It requires a lot of sacrifice, but is worth it to take care of them ourselves.  The problem is, lots  people seem to think I don’t work, since I am always home.  “Working mothers”, friends, and relatives are the worst assuming I am always available if their child gets sick at school, has to miss a day of school, or needs a baby sitter when daycares are closed for holidays.  A couple have even given me as an emergency contact without telling me.  I homeschool and have to schedule carefully to make sure my kids get all the experiences and lessons they need.  Why would anyone assume that just because a woman is at home means she is on call to fill in? Nancy Nurse

Dear Nancy, They don’t assume you are free.  They are either desperate, inconsiderate, or selfish.  Maybe all three.  They are imposing.  You will just have to educate them by refusing.  No explanation is necessary.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse and would like to let people know, your patient is likely to be more comfortable if family bathes and grooms them, if you are able and there is no reason for you not to do it.  Just check with the staff, first.  They are there to care for your patient, but your patient may be modest and prefer your help.  They will also get care in a timely manner.  If there are thirty patients on a unit, there may not be but three or less staff to do bathing and grooming.  It is not that staff doesn’t want to take care of you, it just takes a while to for them to get to everybody.  Help your patient, if you can.  No one wants you to give enemas, adjust IVs, deal with catheters, oxygen, give medicines,  or change dressings, but family can often do well with grooming and possibly bathroom assistance.  Please check with staff first and don’t attempt anything you aren’t sure of.  Also, if they are in a general room, it is good to stay with them if there is any chance they are confused or on pain medicine.  I never leave my family unattended if I have any doubts they might need me, unless of course, the staff tells you otherwise.  Nurse Who Advocates for Patients

Dear Nurse, I agree with you !00%.  Most hospital staff is knocking themselves out to do their best.  It is best to be available for your patient.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am fourteen, old enough to know my own mind. My parents and I get along well, except they insist I attend church services at a tiny church with them weekly.  I hate it.  It is such a waste of time to sit there week after week and listen to the same old thing.  I am not an atheist, but I think I am old enough to make my own decision on this.  I want to go with my friends to a larger church with a contemporary service.  What do you think? Bored

Dear Bored,  I agree, church is sometimes boring.  It is not surprising you’d rather go with your friends to a service more of your liking.  Maybe you can make an agreement to go sometimes with them and alternate with the other church. Perhaps they could visit and see why you like it so much better.  It’s a good thing to be involved with good people somewhere.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My daughter Jill fled to our house one Saturday night after an altercation with her husband, Jack.  She’d found text messages from her husband to Judy.  She called the woman who wanted Jack to divorce Jill and marry her.  Judy showed Jill pictures of herself, Jack, and a transvestite they were both involved with.

When she confronted Jack, he came after her and Judy, since they’d both crossed him.  Jill fled to our home with their children.  Jill later told me, Jack had often disappeared from her bed at night, to be found sleeping with Jenny, their six-year-old.  When Jill and I questioned Jenny, Jenny started crying.  Jill and the children are living with us and the children haven’t seen Jack.

Here’s the problem.  Jill has been seeing Jack again and wants to reconcile, saying she “misunderstood”  and wants to move home with the children.  I will call police and report if she attempts, but wonder, how do I protect the children?  Grandma Bear

Dear Grandma, It is your responsibility to report the suspected abuse, now.  Call today.  This is not something you can handle yourself.  The problems between Jack and Jill are a secondary issue.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My wife is forty-nine.  We have been happily married  twenty-eight years., but recently, she has done some strange things. Three weeks ago, she hit me, while we were discussing our grocery list.  She has never done anything like this before.  This past Sunday, we were standing in the front yard talking to a new neighbor, when out of the blue she patted his behind and made an extremely inappropriate remark.  I don’t know what she is thinking.  What in the world could make her do this?  Shocked

Dear Shocked, With sudden extreme, behavior changes like this, your wife needs to see her doctor.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, i am a senior in high school.  I have worked as a checker in a grocery store for over a year to help my mother and pay my own expenses.  I have a 4.0 average and won a scholarship to a good college.  I buy all the markdowns I can to help   Mom with the bills.  Here is my problem.  Several times, when I’ve seen single mothers come through, out of sympathy for their situation, I have run meat items through without scanning, without saying anything to them.  I’ve never said anything to them, just slid it through.  If they remarked, I acted like it was a mistake.  I’ve started going to churchI feel so guilty, now.  I haven’t done this in a long time because I got scared once when I thought I was caught.  I know I owe about $200.  Is there any way I can make this right without getting in trouble and risking my scholarship?  Checker

Dear Checker, it’s admirable that you want to make things right. There are a couple of ways to handle it.   If you have a good relationship with your manager, you could discuss it with them and offer restitution, but there is no way you could be sure how that would turn out.  You could make restitution anonymously explaining you had stolen from the store in the past.  You could seek advice from a trusted religious advisor.  Think it through very carefully before you act.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I have been writing and talking by phone to a man I thought had fourteen more years to serve in prison for sexual assault.  Last time I visited, he told me he was getting out in eight months and wants a relationship with me.  It thought it was harmless enough to write, phone, and visit him because he had a long sentence to serve.  It was thrilling and relieved the frustration of my boring life. I told him I don’t want anything more to do with him, but I keep getting letters saying he is coming when he gets out.  He knows all about where I live and work and all about my children.  He hasn’t actually threatened me, but it’s clear what he means.  I am terrified. How do I get out of this mess? Scared

Dear Scared, You are in a pickle.  Talk to the police in your town.  Don’t ignore this problem.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My wife and I have a two sets of twins, two-year boys and ten-week old girls.  Betsy just found out she is pregnant with our fifth child in six years.  She is going back to work in two weeks, but now she has decided there is no way she can work afterwards with five children under three.  We were struggling with just the first babies.  We can barely keep the rent paid and the utilities turned on since the girls came.  We are both exhausted all the time, and can barely keep up.  I don’t know how we will manage financially or hold up to the physical demands of five babies.  I already work fifty-five hours a week and would work more except that Betsy needs my help.  We are not living beyond our means.  We don’t have cable, get by with one car, and have the cheapest cell phones available, but do have some credit card debt. We can only pay the minimum, so we are getting further and further behind.Since I make about forty thousand dollars a year, we don’t qualify for any type of assistance.  Where do we turn?  Strapped

Dear Strapped, You are having it rough.  First of all, I recommend you cut up your current cards and get a 0% interest rate for one year and transfer all your balances.  That should cut your bills some.  Be sure not to be late paying or that rate will jump up.  Before the year is up, shop for another 0% interest card and transfer balances again.  Check with social services through your wife’s OB/GYN and the Pediatrician’s office.  If Betsy and the children aren’t on the WIC (Women and Children’s Nutritional Program) they should qualify.  That is a great help. With the increase in your family size, you might be able to get a better health insurance plan through your state program for your family.  Some churches offer Mother’s Day Out.  That might give your wife a little relief.  It is possible you could get food assistance through a food bank, if necessary.  I actually bought a lot of my family’s clothes from Goodwill and Thrift Shops.  You could also get baby equipment there.  If you are lucky enough to have family and friends nearby, accept any help you are offered.  It wouldn’t hurt to check with the employee assistance program at your job and your wife’s.  They might be able to help somehow.  I have know of that to happen where I worked.  You are in for quite a ride.  Good luck!