Dear Auntie Linda, I can’t stand my sister’s husband.  He is crude, boorish, and ignorant.  I am embarrassed  to be seen in public with him.  I love my sister and want to spend time with her, but her husband is another story.  I can tolerate him at family gatherings, but don’t want to invite him to social occasions with my friends.  How do I ask her not to bring him?  Different Class of Person

Dear Different, You don’t.  He is your sister’s husband, not yours.  They are a pair.  Chances are, he doesn’t care to come to your social gatherings, anyway.  He probably thinks you are snobbish and your parties are boring.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My granddaughter and her husband are working and going to college.  They are very independent and didn’t want to ask for help, so they went to a payday loan company.  You can guess the rest.  After being late twice and finding the owed an astronomical balance, they approached me for a loan.  I did the math and paid off their loan as a gift, since they wouldn’t be able to pay it back in the foreseeable future.  At the point, they had a 600% interest rate and owed $2000.  Payday Loan places should be outlawed.  They victimize desperate people.  Grandpa

Dear Grandpa, Payday Loans are not installment loans.  People should know they incur horrendous penalties and interest rates if they don’t pay on time.  It is unlikely a payday loan will be in benefit of borrower.  It’s good you were able to help them out!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My mother-in-law just shocked us by announcing she is retiring, has sold her house, and is ready to move into our basement apartment. She didn’t ask, just announced her intentions.  We rent the apartment for five hundred dollars a month to a medical student and depend on the income.  Our current renter will be moving out in a month.  We did live with her for five years while we were saving for a house.  When my father-in-law died, she loaned us the money to remodel our house and fix up the apartment for a rental property that she could move into upon retirement. We haven’t been able to pay her back yet but really need the rental income.  We pay four hundred dollars a month for daycare and two hundred dollars monthly for maid service.  If she babysat and cleaned for us, we could manage.  She will be here handy, anyway.  My husband won’t ask her and doesn’t want me to.  He intends to get rid of our new car and give up the maid service.  I work just like he does.  I think it’s selfish of him to expect me to clean house after working all day.  How do I get him to see how selfish he is?  Caught By Surprise

Dear Caught,  Somebody is selfish.  Look in the mirror.   It’s time to pay the piper and make good on your agreement.  Do whatever you have to to meet your obligations.  Don’t insult your mother-in-law by mentioning baby-sitting and cleaning.  That wasn’t the deal.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My wife and I have been married twenty-six years.  Our marriage has been rocky from the start.  We haven’t been intimate for years and share nothing except a house. She has had several affairs.  We have two children, though the younger was fathered by one of her lovers.  I love both, and choose to be their father.  I have the opportunity to buy the family farm from my older brother’s widow. It is a great opportunity for me and my son who wants to help me farm it.  My wife refuses to go.  Is it wrong to leave a loveless marriage to take advantage of an opportunity like this?  Need New Start

Dear New Start, How does your wife feel?  She may agree with you that it’s over.  You need to make a decision that you can live with.  What would you want to do if there were no farm?  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My brother and I are both in middle school.  My parents don’t know he is transgender, though it is clear to see.  He is being bullied and harassed at school, though he hasn’t told my parents. He blows it off, saying its not that bad.  His teachers and administration are mostly looking the other way.  I am worried he will be hurt or hurt himself.  What do I do? Loving Sister

Dear Sister, Tell your brother he needs to talk to your parents about the bullying.  Offer to bring it up and help.  He may not be ready to discuss his transgender status with them, but it is possible he may choose to once the door is open.  That is his to deal with.  If he refuses to talk to your parents or the school administration, it is up to you.  If your parents aren’t helpful, go to administration yourself.  He and all the others being bullied need to know someone will support them.  It is very helpful when friends stand up for those being bullied.  Auntie Linda

Auntie Linda, I have just found out my son is a bully.  I feel awful.  My ex-husband was abusive to me and the children.  When my son was ten, we were able to escape and start a new life when my ex went to prison.  I feel terrible, knowing my son was a victim of violence and is now inflicting pain on others.  How do I help him.  Bully’s Mom

Dear Mom, I hope you are able to forge a bond with your son if you haven’t already.  Are you able to discuss this with him calmly?  He is hurting himself and hurting others.  He needs to learn empathy.  Sounds like he is striking out before he can be hurt.  I hope there is someone he can trust to guide him.  He is probably suffering from PTSD and acting out.  Talk to the counselor at school and his pediatrician to get some guidance.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister and I have noticed some changes in my mother that make us suspect early dementia, but she is still able to live in her own home.  The problem is my brother.  He is an alcoholic and has convinced Mother to turn her car and finances over to him.  Mother is losing weight and becoming unkempt.  I have tried to take her to the doctor, but my brother interferes.  He says she is fine and she goes along with him.  I don’t think she is incompetent, but she definitely needs someone to look out for her.  She is becoming more isolated. My brother is starting to make excuses why my sister and I can’t come over.  What do we do?  Mama’s Girls

Dear Girls, If you suspect your mother is being neglected or abused, notify her doctor or adult protection for investigation.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have four kids who excel in school.  We are very proud of them, but there is no way we can help them go to college.  We struggle to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.  The older two work part-time now to buy their clothes and cover their expenses for school.  I wish we could do more, but we are strapped.  How will our kids manage?  Broke

Dear Broke, It sounds like you are doing a lot right if your kids excel in school and help pay their own way.  Encourage them to be active in seeking scholarships.  Their industry can pay off there.  They can work and get loans.  It would be wonderful if everyone had the money to finance a college education, but it is not impossible to manage on their own.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four years old, and a widow of moderate means.  My only child, a daughter is an English Professor at a well-known university in California.  She is divorced with three children.  Her ex-husband is wealthy, but will only pay the legally required child-support.  She makes a good income, but is constantly in need of money for any extras the children require, like private school, or summer camp.  She has a lovely home (for which I gave her the down payment) and has invited me to move out and live with them, but I don’t want to be a live-in nanny.  She and the children visit for a couple of weeks twice a year now and by the time they leave, I am exhausted from babysitting since she goes out with friends most afternoons and doesn’t usually get home till after midnight.  The children are lovely, but they wear me out.  I give her ten-thousand dollars a year now since she will inherit everything I have someday anyway, but I am starting to worry that I will run out of money if I live more than fifteen more years.  I feel bad telling her “no” since she is my only heir.  How do I make her understand I am worried about my finances without offending her?  The Bank

Dear Bank, You are helping your daughter live a very cushy lifestyle.  If you never gave her another penny, you have been extremely generous.  Feel free to give her what you choose and draw the line where you need to.  She probably thinks you have money to burn.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My siblings and I were raised the same. Of the seven of us, only two are law-abiding citizens.  The other five are drug and alcohol-addicted and frequently incarcerated.  Though I care about them, I have chosen to have no association with them, due to being victimized time after time.  One brother and I stay in touch, and avoid the rest like the plague.  We each moved out of state to build lives where we weren’t known, at the first opportunity, cutting ties with everyone but each other.  A sister has reached out to me now, though I don’t know how she got my number, wanting me to “take me in and help me get a new start.”  I don’t want to see her and can’t afford to help her unless I take her in which I am not willing to do.  Is this a horrible thing to do?  Burned

Dear Burned,  No.  People who want to change their ways and rebuild their lives can find a way to do it.  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

Dear Auntie Linda,  I live in a decent, not fancy, neighborhood.  All the residents keep their places mowed, painted, and well-kept, except for one neighbor.  The lady living directly across the street from me is a hoarder.  Her place looks like she is having a garage sale all the time.  Junk cars, old furniture, and hundreds of flower pots are in plain view.  She has old appliances and dozens of containers standing on her porch.  Her shades hang crooked on the windows.  Her grass is tall and she has dozens of cats swarming around.  We ordered Pizza the other night and her cats attacked the Pizza Man.  Several of us talked to her and she threw us off the property.  What can be done about this miserable mess?  Sick of the View

Dear Sick of the View,  You can call the ASPCA or animal control about the cat problem.  You can call the city about the mess and junk cars.  They can deal with the woman if it’s bad enough to be a hazard.  You have my sympathy.  How awful to have to look at a mess everyday.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My dad is totally selfish.  He goes around blowing money like there is no tomorrow leaving my mother to figure out how to run the house on almost nothing.  We grew up with him raging at her about what she spent on groceries and utilities.  She is so beaten down and submissive it is hard to watch.  I hated growing up that way, going ragged while he spent like a mad man.   When it all comes crashing down because he has made ATM withdrawals without telling her, he accuses her of wasting all his money, demanding to know what she spent it on.  He dresses like a peacock, while Mother creeps around looking like a country mouse, wearing her clothes till they are threadbare.  I don’t ever remember her going to the beauty shop.  She does her own haircuts and home perms.  It’s not pretty, to say the least.  Dad criticizes her weight and appearance, saying she looks like a slob and has let herself go.  I feel just awful for her and am so angry at my father.  I know she should stick up for herself, but she’s so beaten down all she wants is peace.  They never go anywhere together.  Thank God, I am out of the situation, but her life looks hopeless.  It is so hard to watch.  I wish I could help, but she says “It’s not that bad and I’d feel guilty if I left.  Besides, I can’t make it on my own.”  Worry about Mom

Dear Worry,  This does sound like a terrible way to live, but you’ve summed it up pretty well.  There’s nothing you can do unless your mom gets the courage and is motivated to get out.  Your dad is not going to change and has her right where he wants her.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie LInda,  Before my husband had radiation for his stem-cell transplant.we banked his sperm so we could have children.  I had in vitro fertilization but sadly, he became septic and died just days later.  Mike’s twin brother, John and I turned to each other in our grief, and had sex.  I had twins, but don’t know who the father is.  The babies and I will draw social security.  I desperately want the babies to be Mike’s, not just for the money, but because I loved him and wanted his children.  This is my dilemma, John and I have stayed close and plan to marry soon and have children.  He wants me to have in vitro again with Mike’s sperm again before we marry so that that child could have social security benefits as well as the other children.  We are currently living together, so should I do this, the child could belong to either brother.  Could I get in trouble for this?  Thinking About It.

Dear Thinking,  I have no idea whether or not you would get in legal trouble unless you drew attention to yourselves by going on a talk show, but I can see big trouble in your future.  First of all, children may have a medical need for a DNA results, just as your husband did before he had his stem-cell transplant.  Certainly the truth will out then. The fact that John would be want to initiate such a deception says a lot about him.  This is dishonest situation that is very likely to cause tremendous pain for all involved down the road.  What value do you place on your ethics and honesty, not to mention your children’s feelings?  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a nurse on an oncology unit at a teaching hospital.  We recently had a young twenty-one-year old man on our unit who needed total body radiation.  He, his fiancé, and family were devastated as much by the fact that he would be left sterile as a result, as they were about his health concerns, since they focused on his good prognosis. He had no benefits or funds to cover his medical care, not to mention sperm-banking.  It was not a great deal of money, so when one of the nurses on the unit heard his concerns, we collected money to cover the cost for five years.  This is not a question but an observation.  Of all the men who worked on the unit, not one donation came from a man.  When I mentioned it to my nursing manager, a man, he laughed and blew it off, saying, “I’m not donating to that.” showing a tremendous lack of compassion.  I was disappointed. I’ve wondered about this a lot since then.  Disappointed

Dear Auntie Linda, My wife had left me for another man and filed for divorce when she was diagnosed with kidney failure.  She is on dialysis, the transplant list and unable to work now.  We share custody of the children. Her other man is gone and she wants to reconcile now, since she needs my benefits and financial support.  I am sorry she is having these problems, but I don’t want to get back into a miserable, volatile marriage.  When we separated, I moved out, leaving Betty and the children in the family home. I continued to pay half the mortgage but since Betty is no longer able to pay her portion, I can’t pay the full mortgage and my apartment rent.  Betty’s parents invited her to move in with them in their home about two blocks away so I move back in the family home with the children,   That way we could still share custody.  Betty is furious, insisting we reconcile.  Am I wrong to go forward with divorce?  Trapped

Dear Trapped. This is an awful situation for both of you and the children.  I can understand you don’t want to get pulled back into a miserable situation.  You wife will be able to qualify for Social Security and Medicare benefits since she is on dialysis.  When she has some benefits, you should be able to work this out equitably.  A peaceful home is a blessing.

Dear Auntie Linda,  My sister-in-law is sixty-eight.  She is an extremely attractive woman, but she is sixty-eight.  She has always been extremely proud of herself, flashing cleavage and showing a lot of leg, but doesn’t seem to notice she has aged.  It’s startling to see crepey bosoms, a muffin top, and wrinkled knees.  There’s no way anybody in their right mind would want to see this.  It’s embarrassing when people stare or turn away and giggle.  Should I say something to her?  Oh No!

Dear Oh No!  Feel free to tell her if you have nothing better to waste your time on.  Sounds like she sees with her memory, not her mirror.  It might not hurt to get a picture, though.  Auntie Linda