Dear Auntie Linda,  My five grown kids are moochers.  One of them is always needing something.  I sixty-eight years old, divorced, and drawing social security, but still have to work part-time just to get by.  My house needs a new roof, and my old car needs tires.  Just when I think I am getting a little ahead, one of the kids gets their lights cut off or runs out of milk for the baby. Two grandchildren spend the night four nights a week while my daughter works the night shift.  I want to help her since she is a single mother barely scraping by, but half the time she doesn’t bring diapers. They always seem to have money for fishing, cigarettes, and beer.   I raise a big garden and they pile in for tomatoes and vegetables, but never lift a finger.  How do I get them to grow up?  Worked to the Bone.

Dear Worked to the Bone,  You won’t always be here to help.  You just have to toughen up and say “No.”  It would be very uncomfortable to get by without electricity for a few days, but they would manage and figure out how to pay it next time.  The baby has to have milk, but you can make it clear you can’t buy milk or diapers, they can plan better.  Necessities come ahead of fishing, cigarettes, and beer.  If you haven’t told them what a burden they are, it’s time you did. It’s not hard to do the math.  Your income barely supports you. As for the garden, if they want goodies, they need to help. It’s a lot easier for them to yell for help than to plan ahead.   They are obviously quite comfortable depending on you to bail them out.  You are not a bank!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband I were childhood sweethearts, have been married four years and have a two-year-old.  We live about a hundred miles from our parents   We want the baby to know his grandparents so we go home for the weekend about every two months.   My parents and his only live about three miles apart.  Both sets are jealous and competitive about our time when we go home for a visit.  No matter how we divide our time up, somebody is mad.  Holidays are the worst.  We never get to visit old friends because of their demands.  How do we handle this?  Ragdoll

Dear Ragdoll, Your parents are fortunate you visit this often.  Since somebody is always mad anyway, it is up to you to decide how you spend your time.  You could alternate weekends, one this time, one the next, and have Sunday lunch with the other, and switch the next time.  You could also alternate holidays. It is your decision, not theirs.  If they want time with you, they could visit as well.  One hundred miles is not that far.  The road goes both ways.  Auntie Linda

My husband and I have been married eleven years and sadly, had no children, though we both wanted them.  We are different religions and from totally different worlds.  He is from the Bronx and I am from Alabama.  His family made no secret that they never liked me and always encouraged him to visit alone, though I tried hard to fit in  His cousin came to visit last year and our marriage fell apart after she introduced him to a friend and encouraged him to leave me. His mother was not involved in that, but co-incidentally, I found out she had been giving him large cash gifts every year which he concealed from me.   She has met his new sweety (who is now pregnant) and is all for the new marriage.  This is the killer. She gave Jake (us?) many valuable family items over the years, such as jewelry, art, china, silver, and crystal.  She wants all these things back since she wants them to stay in the family.  I originally planned to give them back, but the more I think about it, the less I am inclined to.  She has agreed to give me a considerable cash settlement so Jake can get rid of me quickly and marry his new woman, but I am having second thoughts about returning gifts.  I hate to admit it, but I still love Jake and don’t want a divorce.  What should I do?  Am I obligated to return family gifts? Ditched Wife.

Dear Ditched,  This is a betrayal, and I could see why you might not want to return gifts after being treated so badly.  Jake and his whole family sound like a piece of work.  As to whether you should return gifts, that would be your judgment, unless you had an agreement ahead of the marriage.  Personally, I don’t think I’d want reminders around, but that’s just me.  If the settlement being offered is larger, it might be to your benefit to accept it, unless you prefer the gifts.  It’s probably a bribe to return family items.  You probably won’t get both.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am eighteen and an only child.  Mom died last year.  About six months ago Dad brought Greg (three months younger than I) over to meet me.  It turns out, my father had an affair just before he and Mom married.  Dad found out Julie was pregnant right after he and Mom married, but didn’t want to break up their marriage.  He supported and visited Greg all this time, though he says he was faithful to Mom.  I love Greg and I am angry I missed eighteen years we could have had, but now Dad and Julie are talking about getting married.  I think this is horrible.  I wonder if that is the first thing he thought of once Mom died, a second chance for a perfect family.  I am just furious at him for hiding this all these years and just introducing Greg when it was convenient.  Outraged

Dear Outraged, I don’t blame you for being angry. It was wrong to hide this all these years.  It is good that you and Greg are close now, especially considering the time you missed out on already.  Your father behaved very poorly, by not acknowledging his son and deceiving you and your mother.  It would be best to focus on your relationship with your brother, than your anger with your father.  The fact is, your father will do as he pleases.  Your response is the only thing you have control over.  I encourage you to act with a cool head and more grace than your father has shown in this situation.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a good kid in a miserable situation.  My mother is mentally ill. When she gets off her medication,  I don’t know from one minute to the next what she might do or who or what she might come dragging in.  My dad works out of town and she manages to pull herself together when he comes in, but trying to go to school, work, and keep things running at home are exhausting me. My brother and I have both mowed, babysat, and done any odd job we could since we were old enough to work to have money for food and clothes.   I have come home and found strange people in the house.  She has given away furniture.  I make sure the rent and utilities are paid as soon as her disability check comes in, but she is as likely as not to spend the rest on junk.  I have come in from school and found forty yards of fabric, or old furniture from a junk sale piled under the carport and no food in the house.  I buy groceries out of what I make, but I have to keep them in the trunk of my car or they just disappear.  Mom is obsessive about my fifteen-year-old brother, often trying to keep him out of school when she is most confused.  I worry about her all the time, but dread going home.  I graduate from high school this year and have a scholarship for college, but worry about what will happen to Mom and my brother if I do.  How can I ever have a life?  Old Man at Seventeen

Dear Old Man, I feel for you.  This is way too heavy a burden for you and your brother.  You have to tell your dad how bad things are and that he has to take responsibility for your mother. He obviously has been able to ignore problems since you are there to take care of things.  Make sure he knows everything she does and let him deal with it.  It is time for you to make a life for yourself.  He is likely to dump the load on your brother as long as he can.  No doubt, things will fall apart once you go off to college, but you can’t sacrifice your life to keep propping things up at home.  Good luck.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  Somebody is stealing my underwear off the clothesline.  Nothing else goes missing, just my skimpies.  I haven’t been able to catch anyone, but I had a pair go missing last week and another this week.  What in the world do I do?  I am worried there is a pervert in the neighborhood.  Bare Bottomed Before Long.

Dear Bare Bottomed,  Try hanging some big old granny panties and some boxers out instead of skimpies.  That should discourage anybody.  Sounds like you might need to hang your skimpies on the shower rod.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  We sometimes have pot luck lunches at the hospital where I work.  A signup list is posted weeks ahead, so everybody knows and can bring a dish.  The problem is, people from other areas of the hospital drop in who haven’t contributed and help themselves.  Also, there are a some who fix a plates to take home or even take a whole dish.  We have had whole containers just disappear.  Why in the world would people be so greedy?  How do you keep the pigs out?  Cleaned Out

Dear Cleaned Out, You hit the nail on the head.  Some people are just greedy pigs with no pride.  Unless you can set your buffet up in an area where people can be observed making off with the goodies, it is hard.  I suppose you could give out tickets, post a sign, Whatever Department Holiday Dinner Only or post a lookout to discourage moochers.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband had put $300 in the sugar bowl, intending to do some home repairs.  I dipped into it a couple of times meaning to replace it.  God Forbid, he came home Wednesday saying he planned to do the work Saturday. Desperately, I prayed for God to somehow save me from my husband’s fury.  I know he would have probably beaten me and told our church what I’d done. I couldn’t live with that shame.  Finally, I took the last $10, caught a ride to another town where I am not known, and bought a lottery ticket.  Halleleujah! With God’s mercy, I won $2000.  I replaced it and hid the rest.  There is no way I can spend it.  My husband would find ou!  What do I do?  Thankful Christian

Dear Thankful, I’m glad you got out of that scrape!  Please don’t count on it ever happening again. I’m am not sure exactly what you are asking, but if I were you, I’d hang on to that money. If you are prone to dip into the sugar bowl, you will need an emergency fund for one reason or another.  (I can think of one, right off the bat)

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a fifteen year old boy.  My parents make me work in their Feed and Seed Store for $4 an hour when I am out of school and half of that goes straight to my college savings fund. I also have to pay half the cost of my clothes, unless I am satisfied with the crap they drag in.  They won’t even talk about getting me a car. I don’t even know if I want to go to college, yet.  My eighteen year old cousin works there and gets a dollar more than minimum wage.  I work as hard as he does. This is not right.  How can I make them pay me better? Cheated

Dear Cheated,  Four dollars an hour is not a bad deal, since your parents don’t have to pay you at all, as a minor child working in a family business.  I assume they support you.  They may consider your  room and board care worth something to you.  Sounds like they manage their money well and intend for you to learn to do the same. Naturally, they have to pay your cousin. He is not their son.

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband is a do-it-yourselfer.  That sounds like a good thing, except that most of the time, he doesn’t finish the job or things don’t always work smoothly.  One time he got in a fender bender and decided to do the body work himself.  He never finished the job.  He drilled a hole in the fender to pull the dent out then filled the dent in with Bondo.  He put the primer on and never got around to the final paint job.  For two years, I was stuck driving a bright yellow car with a primed fender.  Best of all, when I drove over fifty, the hole in the fender made a high, shrill whistle.  It was horribly embarrassing. When he adjusted my brakes, they squealed forever after.  Everybody knew when I was headed their way.  When he put in a new sink, he got the faucets reversed and tightened the drain so much it cracked.  Sometimes things work out fine, but there are dozens of unfinished jobs, or jobs with crazy reminders that he was there.  He painted three sides of the house and didn’t get back to the job for a year.  I absolutely hate it when he tackles a project, knowing it may not ever be finished or may be wacky.  He won’t hire work done, saying he can’t trust anybody to do it right!  What in the world is he thinking?  Disgusted Wife

Dear Disgusted,  I feel your pain.  I would hate dealing with that problem.  Make a list of his messes.  Next time, tell him if he doesn’t get it right or finish the job, you will hire somebody to fix it.  Stick with your guns.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  We have three children and seven grandchildren.  At least one of the children asks us to babysit every weekend.  As often as not, they don’t bring everything the children need: diapers, clothes for church, even enough formula.  Almost every weekend, we have to make an emergency trip to the store for something.  We are tired of running a weekend daycare and their irresponsibility but don’t want to totally miss out on the grandchildren.  We just want to have the grandchildren for occasional visits, not devote every weekend to them. Tired Grandparents

Dear Tired.  Tell the kids what you told me.  No one should be dumping their kids on grandparents.  Let them know you are a grandparent, not a child-care service.  Stick to your guns.  They may get mad, but they’ve got the same clothes to get glad in.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I hate my job and most off the people who work there.  It has reached the point  that I can’t sleep for dreading the next day.  I have to have this job.  I have been here twenty-four years and can’t find anything else where I make this much.  Sometimes I throw up on the way to work and go out to my car on break and cry. My performance ratings are low, so I can’t transfer until I get them up.  That would take at least six months.   I don’t see how I can stand another six months, let alone six years till I can retire.  What do I do?  Sick and Tired

Dear Sick and Tired, This sounds miserable.  Maybe you can work on a plan to improve your performance so you can transfer.  A realistic short-term goal might help.  Additionally,  it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor.  If  depression, stress, or health problems are effecting your work, medication or health care management might help.  If you really can’t continue, look at your expenses. Perhaps you could refinance your home or get a roommate to cut expenses.   Maybe there is some way you can cut back, or retire early.  If you did that, you might be able to accept a job that pays less and is less demanding.  Auntie Linda

Dear Aunt Linda,  I spent the weekend with my sister recently.  Her teenage son had company in and out all weekend.  While I was there, my Rolex watch went missing from the locked bedroom.  I am sure it was stolen.  I am very careful with my things, and recall returning it to my suitcase before we gathered for dinner on the patio.  Many guests were there.  Over my sister’s objections, I reported it to the police but so far there is no trace of it.  There was no sign of a break in.  She also doesn’t want me to file an insurance claim since an investigation will ensue.  I can’t afford to let this drop. What are her responsibilities and mine? Devastated

Dear Devastated, What would you do if this happened in a hotel room, at work, or your own home?  Your sister is asking too much to expect you to ignore this loss.  She probably has concerns other guests who were there.  Sounds like an investigation might be warranted.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  There are a lot of secrets in our family.  Even though I am in my forties and Mother in her late seventies, there are lots of things that went on that I can’t understand that I don’t feel free to ask Mother about.  My father was physically abusive to the kids and emotionally and psychologically abusive to the whole family.  When I try to discuss this with Mother, she says it wasn’t all that bad.  I know there are many other things that were covered up.  When I try to talk to her, she gets pitiful and says she couldn’t leave because she couldn’t support the children on her own.  She manipulates the situation by being pitiful and powerless. She is very emotionally dependent on me. I would like to have an honest conversation but think I’d end up feeling worse by pressing her for answers.  What does a person do in this situation?  Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, Sounds like your mother makes being powerless work for her.  Do you think insisting she talk to you would make you feel better or worse?  Your mother may not be much help.  This is likely to be a journey you make by another route.  Good luck.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I love my cousin, Jody dearly, but she is a compulsive liar and spender, and wears such skimpy clothes I am not comfortable going out in public with her.  She lies for no reason.  For example, when my kids had strep throat, she said they were quarantined for three days, a ridiculous statement.  Another time, she said she had won a thousand dollars in a store giveaway to explain how she came up with extravagant gifts, when she’d actually charged them.  She has accused family members of making passes at her and wears her shorts so short that pubic hair shows in front and her butt cheeks hang out in back.  At a family funeral, her dress was so low-cut somebody got her a sweater.  I can’t enjoy my time with her because I am constantly bombarded by wild tales, am aware of her deep financial troubles, and dread seeing more of her than I ever want to.  How does family deal with someone like this?  Embarrassed Cousin

Dear Embarrassed Cousin,  Cousin Jody obviously has some deep problems.  When she tells a lie directly about you, don’t hesitate to correct it on the spot, or as soon as you hear it.  I am quite sure others have noticed her lying.  If she makes you uncomfortable with what she wears when you are together, don’t be shy.  Let her know.  When she’s coming to a social event, tell her it’s G-rated.  She needs to put some clothes on.  Being subtle won’t work.  While you can’t do anything about her spending, just don’t shop with her or accept gifts.  Jody needs somebody to point out when she’s out of control.  You can be direct without being unkind.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, We’ve known our neighbors for years, often barbecuing together or trading babysitting.  Last night after we cooked out together, my husband told me Judy approached him, saying she wanted to have another baby and Jim didn’t.  She wondered if he’d want to help her out.  I thought he was kidding at first, but he wasn’t.  The next morning, Judy came over and apologized, telling the same tale.  She didn’t want either of us to say anything to Jim and jeopardize their marriage.  Strangely, she asked me to pray with her after confessing her embarrassment.  I told her I wasn’t feeling prayerful, and needed some time to digest this.  My husband and I are wondering where we go from here.  The kids are friends and we don’t want any awkwardness. How do we handle this?  Awkward

Dear Awkward,  It’s good you and your husband can discuss things.  It would be a good idea to get back with Judy and let her know you that you and your husband are distancing yourself from her and don’t want to socialize further.  Perhaps if she lets it drop, you can be no more than neighbors.  Maybe it will die a natural death.  If not, you can be more direct.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am engaged to a wonderful man.  I did not have a religious upbringing, but have been attending services with Mark and am considering joining his faith..  He is about to graduate from college and has decided he wants to go to Seminary to become a minister.  This is a far cry from just attending services.  I don’t know that I can make the commitment to be a minister’s wife, though I love Mark passionately.  We had planned to marry next year, but I am worried about setting a date now.  What should we do?  Maybe

Dear Maybe, You are right to be concerned.  The commitment to be a minister’s wife may or may not be a road you are not willing to follow.  The two of you should take your time, pray, attend services and counseling together, and talk to other couples.  You surely are not the first couple to deal with this.  There is no hurry to marry.  Auntie Linda

Email Ask Auntie Linda at lbeth1950@hotmail.com