Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

“I need to take that walkman off your head,” says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

“You can’t! I’ll die!” retorts the blonde.

“I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!” says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

“I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!”

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating “breath in, breath out, breath in”

Why do blondes wear pony tails? To hide the air valve.

A blonde called up her boyfriend one day with a problem. She was trying to put together jigsaw puzzle. 

She said, ” It’s a picture of a big rooster, and I can’t get any of the pieces together. None of the edge pieces will fit, Would you please come over and help”

When the boy friend arrived, he took one look at the table and said, “Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box”

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth.

What did the blonde say the first time she saw a YMCA? Look, they spelled Macy’s wrong.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Blonde Jokes

A blond walks into a restaurant and is shouting ’52 days’, ’52 days’. A few minutes later 2 more blonds arrive chanting ’52 days’, ’52 days’. A few minutes later another blond shows up with a cake that has written on it “52 days” . They are high fiving each other and celebrating. The resteurant manager’s curiosity finally gets the better of him and he walks ovet to ask “what’s the big celebration about”? One of the blonds replied, “we assembled a puzzle together, on the box it said 3 to 4 years, WE DID IT IN 52 DAYS!”  ;D

A blind guy walks into a bar with his cane tapping the floor to find his way. He finds a seat and notices a young lady is sitting next to him. He asks “would you like to hear a good blond joke”? She replies, “I am a blond female body builder who could squash you like a bug, BTW the blond bartender is a black belt in Karate and the woman on your right is a blond cop wearing a gun. Are you sure you want to tell your blond joke? He replied, “NO, NOT IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT 3 TIMES”.  ;D

Marty
Big 'un

TWO BLONDES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.  And one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”  The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?” 

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, “What’s the story?”  He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”  She asks, “How often do I have to do that?” 


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

RIVER WALK

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.”Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side!”  

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left hand and screamed; then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.  Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.” 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back; “IT’S A SCARF!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”  

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” 

“Hellooooooooo……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs.

Great Jokes

Blonde jokes – Memories
From the memories of a blonde: The first minutes of pregnancy were just wonderful…

Kitchen light
A blonde tells to another blonde:
– Do you know where the light from the kitchen goes when you turn it off?
– No
The blonde takes another blonde to the fridge and says: HERE.

Stuck in elevator
Once two blondes and a brunette got stuck in the elevator.
One blonde starts to shout:
– Help!!!
The other one:
– Help!!!
A brunette brings in an advice:
– Girls, shout together, it will be louder.
The blondes shout:
– Together!!! Together!!!…

Leaves
A blonde was raking the leaves and fell off the tree.

Waiting
Question: Do you know what a blonde is waiting for at the socket?
Answer: for an e-mail.
Blonde 2 Blonde 3 Blonde 4 Blonde 5
 
Driving in a car
A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Unexpectedly the car stops. The blonde asks:
– What happened?
– We ran out of gas, – answers the brunette.
The blonde replies with a relief:
– Wow, you know so much about cars. If it was me, who was driving, I wouldn’t have known to stop.

Cheating
Two blondes talk. One of them says:
– You know, I have cheated a taxi driver yesterday!!
Another asks:
– How did you do this?
The blonde replies:
– I paid, but I didn’t get in.

Marry
How to make a blonde marry you? Tell her that she’s pregnant…

Real story
Two blondes talk:
– Listen, your hair look likes a wig.
– But it is a wig.
– So cool, and it looks like real hair.

You never know
Two blondes talk:
– Did you know that this time the New Year will be on Friday?
– Really, I hope it won’t be on 13th.

Funny jokes about blondes – In the hospital
A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:
– Doc, please help: when I touch my head – it hurts, when I touch my belly – it hurts, when I touch my leg – it hurts…
Well here’s the problem.  Your finger is broken.

 
Funny blonde jokes – at the edge of a hill
A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.
A brunette says: – I think I’m the most beautiful… And she falls off the hill.
A red-haired says: – I think I’m the most clever… And she falls off the hill.
A blonde says: I think… And she falls off the hill.

Funny blonde jokes – Together
Two blondes go into a toilet and they both got locked in.
The first shouts:
– Help, help!
The second one suggests:
– Let’s shout together.
Now they both shout:
– Together, together…

Funny blonde jokes – Occupation
How can you keep a blonde girl interested for hours:
Give her a sheet of paper and write on both sides: “Look on the other side”.

Funny blonde jokes – Driving test
A blonde comes to driving practice test. She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says:
– You have failed.
Blonde:
– But why, I have just got into the car.
Instructor:
– Yes, but you sat on the back seat.

Funny blonde jokes – Swimming
There were three people stranded on an island: a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde. The brunette looked over the water to mainland and estimated about 20
miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she
swam out 5 miles, and got really tired. She swam out 10 miles from the island,
and she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to  get to the mainland than stayed here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out.
The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she was so tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too. “So she swan out 5 miles,10 miles,15 miles, and finally 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on! “So she swam back.

Funny blonde jokes – A microwave
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
“Damn, he recognized me, ” she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Funny blonde jokes – Spots
A blonde went to a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” she said, “just spots.”

Funny blonde jokes – Logics
Two blondes sail with the boat. Suddenly, the hole appeared in the boat. The first blonde starts to panic, and another says: – Do not worry, I’ll make a second hole through which the water will run out

Afternoon Chuckle

There’s this bar and in the bar there is a magic mirror.

If you tell a lie it will suck you in.

One day a brunette walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says ” I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world” and it sucks her in.

The next day a redhead walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world” and it sucks her in.

The next day a blonde walks into the bar. She approaches the mirror and says “I think…” and it sucks her in.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, “If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?” She answers promptly, “I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”

Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, “I’d like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.”

Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, “I would go to the sun.”

Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, “Well, if you went to the sun, you’d burn to death almost instantaneously.”

The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. “Don’t be stupid! I’d go at night!”

Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.

The first blonde says, “Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” groans St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde says, “Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents.”

“Nooooo,” groans St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde says, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” says St. Peter.

But the blonde continues. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter.”

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diaper once a month?
A: The instructions clearly state, “good for up to 20 pounds

Q: What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 100?
A: A foursome.