Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
~~~~~
Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
~~~~~
Seen on a T-Shirt:
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
The Old Man and The Beaver
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”
That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”
“Exactly”, said the doctor.
~~~~~
Mumba Snake
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was “all torn up.” “What happened?” he asked.
“Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck.”
“Go on,” the friend said.
“Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward … just as the procedure goes.”
“So why are you so beaten up?” the friend asked.
“Did you ever *goose* a tiger?”
~~~~~
Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with “Barney” camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, “Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet.”
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, “Run, Bambi, RUN!”
~~~~~
Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.t
~~~~~
Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
~~~~~
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!
~~~~~
~~~~~
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
~~~~~
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said – ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”
~~~~~
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor said, “You are in great health! All your tests are good. And for our records, may I ask, at what age did your father die?”
The 60-year-old patient said, “I didn’t say my father died! My father is 80. He skis, runs marathons and is in excellent health!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! Well then, for our records, at what age did your grandfather die?”
“I didn’t say my grandfather died! My grandfather is 100, teaches dance lessons and plays golf four days a week. In fact, he’s getting married next month!”
“Why would your 100 year old grandfather want to get married?”
“I didn’t say he WANTED to get married!”
No one expects you to run—anywhere.
Your eyes won’t get too much worse.
Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
People call you at 8 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Your joints make the same noises as your coffee maker.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them anyway.
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
NUMBER THREE:
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, “what’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said, “Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.”
The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, “don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.”
NUMBER FIVE:
Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I think I’m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.
NUMBER SIX:
Q: What do you call a scary chicken?
A: A poultrygeist.
NUMBER SEVEN:
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
At one desperate point, while Eddie was about the slow business of dying at Grandma Swain’s, Mettie gratefully moved her family to her brother Albert’s recently acquired farm, miles and miles from town. Red dust fogged up with the rare passing conveyance. In foul weather, the red dirt road was impassable. There was no possibility of the kids attending school since the nearest bus stop was ten miles away where the dirt road joined a hard surface road. School attendance was not mandatory at this time.
Mettie’s focus was on survival. Fortunately, in addition to the farmhouse he and his wife moved into, a battered, unpainted house was available for the poor band. Had Mettie not been in such need, he would have used it as a barn Again, it was free. They could get milk and butter from Albert’s cows if Mettie helped with the milking. Albert’s wife, Mary, kindly passed along a hen with twelve chicks and young rooster. They could eat from Mary’s garden if she and the girls helped with gardening and canning. Of course they would! They settled in the hovel where wind sailed through the rickety walls and rain poured through the leaky roof. The uncles put the boys to cutting and splitting wood for shingles, then set them to roofing. A toilet leaned crazily out back, but the deep well provided cool,clean water. Of course the rural farm had no utilities, no matter, since Mettie hadn’t funds to pay. Her brothers, Willie and Albert, did what they could to help, from plowing her garden, providing her a pig to fatten and slaughter in the fall. Willie traded a fine sow with a litter of pigs and gifted her bony milk cow. Fortunately, when the old cow freshened, it was a heifer, ensuring Mettie would have a young cow to replace the old one at her inevitable This was a Godsend. A family without a milk cow was in trouble.
When Eddie eventually died in 1937, the four younger children qualified for seventy-four dollars a month Aid to Dependant Children. Mettie was able to move to a better house near town so the little girls could go to school. Mettie had a penchant for moving till the day she died. Daddy said she’d start crying and nothing would satisfy her till she got to move. No doubt, she had mood issues.
The same year the family got on “relief,” her eldest son joined Civilian Conservation Corp for which he was provided clothes, wages, food, and lodging for working on government conservation projects. He was paid the princely sum of thirty dollars a month, twenty-five of which went directly to his mother. Three years later, the second son joined. The boys had never lived dressed or lived so well. At thirteen, Daddy was six feet tall. He was able to pass for fifteen, snagging a job on an nearby oil rig as a night watchman. He slipped home most nights to eat a late supper. All three boys had given up school long ago to look for work. At any rate, Daddy said they couldn’t face the taunting of hateful kids over their bedraggled clothes.
My father is boy in front row holding hatEddie Swain
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”
“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”
“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”
#2 Seeing Eye Dog A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.” #3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop? A: Poopsicles
#4 Help Wanted A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
#5 Two Scottish nuns Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.” “That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”
#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has? A: Puppy dogs.
#7 Clever Dachshund A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says… “Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
#8 Talking Beagle A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’ The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’ In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’ The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says. ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!’
#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard? A: Put it in your back yard!
#10 Seeing Eye Dogs There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The guy at the door says, “Come on in.” The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
#11 Bad Dog? It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him. “Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”
Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
Nutsrok 