cartoons

Evenng Chuckle

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enng Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?” asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper.
Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of those bitches!”

Afternoon Funny

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Joke of the Day

'Hey guys! He just said we'll all be in gravy soon! We're going to be rich!'

‘Hey guys! He just said we’ll all be in gravy soon! We’re going to be rich!’

'Is that cow meditating?' 'Dyslexic.'

‘Is that cow meditating?’ ‘Dyslexic.’

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Farm 4

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'For some reason, I've never been able to bring myself to part with Elsie here.'

‘For some reason, I’ve never been able to bring myself to part with Elsie here.’

Gathering chickens

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you done real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.” Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”

Dem’ smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

“Where can I buy one?” he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

“I’ll take him,” says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can’t bring him over today. I don’t work on Sunday morrow OK?

“Sure.”

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, “sorry, bad news.”

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

“Can’t, spent it already!”

“Well… unload the mule then.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“Raffle him off!”

“Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!”

“Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.”

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

“What did ya do with that dead mule?”

“Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!”

 

Joke of the day

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Joke of the Day

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Lone Ranger

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A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Two kids talking:

Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”

A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife he needs to apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”

Evening Chuckle

image imageA man left work one afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.” The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.” Finally, the priest yelled, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.” The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.” So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?” To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!”
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, “Well… what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” “Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees,” he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! “What happened then?” they asked, almost in unison.” “Well, then she said, “Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!” he admitted.

A man went to a pet shop and spoke to the owner. “Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different.” The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. “Really?” says the man “How much?” The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede says “I heard you the first time you moron! I’m putting my shoes on!”

Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Evening Chuckle

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