Mother was born at home in 1928 four miles outside the tiny town of Cuthand, Texas. The irascible old doctor who was summoned to attend her delivery arrived after she did. He hastily checked out mother and baby and headed to his next call.
Kathleen’s impoverished parents didn’t send for a copy of Kathleen’s birth certificate till she was thirteen and neede it to qualify her for an allotment as a military dependent during World War II. To their surprise, after a lengthy investigation, they found out the ancient doctor had forgotten the information he’d been given and randomly filed Kathleen’s name as Bessie May Rosie Holdaway.
Kathleen had never been particularly been fond of her given name until she found she could have been laboring under the burdensome name of Bessie May Rosie.
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Bud and I have been together for 73 years. This is our first photo together. I am the baby on right in fitst row. He is the little boy behind me. The photographer has us facing the sun, so we are shielding our faces. I remember always being posed facing the sun. Who know the rationale behind that?
Bud’s mother came to help out when I was born. She often said she should have pinched my head off when she had a chance. Live and learn. Our families were friends, so we grew up playing together. He was a nice boy, never mean to girls, so I always liked him.
He first started coming to visit on his own when I was seventeen. Our family was generally confused as to whom he was visiting. My sister and I thought he was interested in her, so I went to my room and read. I was always looking for a chance to read, anyway, since Daddy kept us really busy on the farm. My brother thought Bud was coming to see him.
The matter was further complicated since Bud had bashed his left thumb with a 24 lb. hammer . The doctor pushed the ball of his thumb back in place until it was approximately thumb shaped, stitched it to his nail, and splinted it. One week to the day, while he was still splinted, a sprocket fell on his right foot, breaking it. Consequently, he was effectively disabled on the right and left side, though his job kept him on, probably out of guilt. He didn’t feel much like a suitor during this period.
The next week, he pitched his crutches in the back of his truck on the way to the doctor. They blew out. He retrieved them but one had suffered the loss of a rubber tip, not optimal for a lame guy with no grip due to a smushed thumb. Bud managed to hobble in the doctor’s door before hitting a slick tile. One crutch went one way, one the other. Pulling himself up on receptionist’s desk,he inquired “Is there a doctor in the house?” It must have been horrifying to the staff who were trying to remain professional.
So, he did finally live through the indignities of his injuries. All the while, I got a good bit of reading done while Phyllis and Bill courted him. I suppose I was inadvertently playing hard to get. When he eventually got off the crutches, he asked me out. I don’t know which of the Swain kids was most surprised, me, Phyllis, or Billy.
We got married two years later, while we were still in college.
I was reporting back to a doctor on his agitated emergency room patient I had just been caring for. Meaning to say, “He was really bucking and fighting.” I got tangled up and said “f–cking and biting.” Trying to recover before the doc reacted, I snapped back,” but fortunately I didn’t get bit!”
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Boogereater’s mama scooped up her wormy-looking five-year-old and hefted herself into the front seat of Mother’s car. Though they were neighbors, the two women had never been friends. Mrs. Rick was a wild-haired harridan whose dirty children ran wild until long after dark and caused general turmoil in the neighborhood by leaving water-hoses running, gates open, and throwing rocks at cars. Boogerseater’s older brother had even been caught stealing cigarettes out of one house. Mrs. Rick’s attitude implied Mother had been negligent in allowing Boogereater access to her gas tank.
Furthermore, Mother was furious at having to leave her toddler out of pocket to take them to the doctor. The three miles to town seemed endless as Mother fretted over her misplaced baby. After a lifetime, they reached the doctor’s office. Mrs. Rick unloaded her floppy boy, rushing in. She didn’t even close the car door behind herself, leaving Mother to get out and close it, wasting even more time.
Naturally, Mother made a bee-line for home, very nearly speeding a time or two. A very timid driver, she never exceeded twenty-five miles per hour. Vacillating between fury and preparatory grief, she was held up by a train of sixty-seven cars about a quarter of a mile from home.
After a lifetime, she pulled into her driveway to be met by Louie and a bevy of neighborhood kids. The kids rushed up to the car, demanding to know “Is he dead? Is he dead?”
She had to work her way around Louie, who stood his ground. “Boy’s done dead.” He pronounced,making it clear he had the situation under control.
Once in the house, she found a frustrated Freddie May trying to pacify Connie who was bawling her eyes out for her mama. Sally was impatiently rocking the shrieking infant, Marilyn, who had been awakened during the melee. The women fled after informing Mother Connie had found sleeping on the floor where she’d wallowed her pillow off the side of the bed.
The story had a interesting ending. Boogerhead roused up about the time he got to the doctor, apparently no harm done. Daddy got a bill from the doctor about a week later. They didn’t pay it.
The time in our doctor’s waiting room became unexpectedly enjoyable as we sat with an elderly lady and her family. No one had said much beyond “Good morning” till the elderly lady asked her daughter to push her closer so she could admire the ornaments on the tree The doctor had so generously decorated for her patients’ pleasure. She laughed and said, “I am eighty-three years old. I’ve come all the way from chopping wood to people walking on the moon. Oh, I’ve chopped lots of wood.” As she talked on, she cackled as she told this one. “I’ve milked many a cow in my time, many a cow. I remember one time, I was ‘a milking two titties and a pig was ‘a sucking on the other side.” She had us all laughing along with her. We would have loved to spend the rest of the day with her. What a wonderful visit we had!
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Nutsrok 