dog

Can You Top This?

I got my daughter a Dalmatian for her thirteenth birthday. I do believe that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. For about a day and a half, Annie was sweet. As soon as she got her bearings,she became a hyperactive, maniacal buzz saw, plundering and eviscerating everything in her path from shoes to the rag top on my husband’s MG, but that’s a story for another post.

At eighteen months, Annie’s hormones kicked in. Overnight, she was transformed into a nasty-tempered, sullen,farting, bitch…..such a blessed relief. One day she was sitting between Bud and Mother farting up a storm. Bud and Mother each kept looking accusingly at the other, thinking surely the other would eventually do the decent thing and excuse themselves.

Deciding to take her show on the road one morning, Annie decided the best thing for her to do was to tunnel under our neighbor’s back fence to pay him a call. Brian wasn’t in the yard, so she trotted into the house looking for him. He was deep in thought, sitting on the toilet, enjoying some quality time. Inspired by his wise example, Annie squatted and produced a fine example of her own. Though I didn’t see the actual event, I did get to hear about it in great detail.

Now, That’s Lost!

Joe Crater, our neighbor, took his dog, Ol’ Boots and walked into the woods behind his house one afternoon intending to hunt squirrels for a while.  The woods stretched for miles behind his house.  It was easy to get lost, even for a fellow who’d grown up there, like Joe.  He didn’t remember leaving his compass home till he reached for it a few minutes before just before dusk that cold, fall afternoon. Rattled, he walked the direction he thought was home as it started to drizzle.  He thought he recognized a landmark in the distance a time or two, only to be disappointed one he reached it.  Finally, as dark closed in, he realized he was just getting more and more lost.  He’d expected to be home long before night, so he had no flashlight.  He only had his gun, his dog, and the clothes he stood up in.  He decided he’d better make a fire while he could still see to gather wood.  He gathered a sizeable pile of deadwood and fallen brush, knowing he’d make it through the miserable night if he could just stay warm.  Fortunately, his Zippo lighter was handy.  It was a long, wet night.  As soon as he could see well enough to walk without stumbling, he walked till the woods thinned enough to see the lights of a farmhouse.  He was so turned around by now, he couldn’t begin the guess where he was, but had no qualms about walking up to a stranger’s house and knocking on the door, after the night he’d just endured.  The dog must have passed just as bad a night as Joe since he broke and ran when he saw the house.  That wasn’t like Ol’ Boots.
Exhausted and chilled to the bone, he knocked on the back door of the stranger’s house, hoping someone would give him a hot cup of coffee.  A woman in a housedress, flannel shirt, and frazzled hair opened the door.  She looked like she’d been “rode hard and put up wet.”
“Where in the world have you been all night?” she demanded.  “I been worried crazy!”
After the night he’d just passed, he was in no mood for jokes.  “Lady, don’t give me no trouble.  I been lost in the woods all night and my wife’s gone be worried to death.”
She looked at him like he’d lost his mind.  “Joe, it’s me, Louise.  Where in the world have you been?  I was just fixin’ to send for yore brothers to go lookin’ for you.”
He was so confused it took some convincing that he’d stumbled up on his own house.

Long-suffering Buzzy to the Rescue, No rest for a Weary Dog! Wordless Wednesday

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Gallery

Best of Best Afternoon Dog Funnies

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Akita Lapdog

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15 Dog Breeds That Didn’t Catch On

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Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
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Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
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Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
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Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
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Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
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Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
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Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
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Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
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Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
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Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
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Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
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Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
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Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
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Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
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Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Framed!

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I spent most of the summer away from home this year.  My friend Ann, the charming lady in the background above was my gracious host.  One morning, she asked me if I’d like to pay a visit to her favorite resale shop.   She’d found some bargains and had to go back with the cash to pay for them  It was a great sale; everything was five dollars.  In fact, earlier that day, she had gotten a pair of Gucci Loafers and the gorgeous leather bag you see me clutching above.  Jackson, her little dog was snuggled in the bag for the duration.  I should have known from the worried look on his face that Ann might be plotting to rid herself of her summer-long guest.  The store was packed.  Women were trying on clothes in the aisles.  One customer’s skirt was sold while she was busy trying on another in the aisle.  As Ann rifled the racks hoping for one last bargain, I held Jackson and her purse, moving to stand in a breeze near the front door.  The shop owner, recognizing the beautiful bag Ann had bought there just that morning, called out to warn her I was stealing her bag.  Not realizing who she was talking to, I stood there like a dope, looking around for the purse thief.  In a minute or two, Ann realized what was going on and saved me from arrest.  It’s a good thing I had Jackson concealed on my person, or she might have just let them haul me off.

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Innocence

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