A woman went into the local bar with a goose under her arm. The outraged bar owner came rushing over. “Why did you bring that pig in here?” he demanded.
“You idiot! This is a goose!” said the woman.
“I was talking to the goose,” said the bar owner.
Evening Chuckle
Rules for a Happy Marriage
Once X asked Y, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”
Y said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
X asked, “Can you explain?”
Y said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”
Still not convinced, X asked Y “Give me some examples”
Y said, “Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it”
X asked, “Then what is your role?”
Y said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these”.
Evening Chuckle
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Faith and begorah! Is that good!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?” she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.”
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too.”
Evening Chuckle
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.”
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.”
Again, there is a bright flash and……….both his legs fall off.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates who greets him. “Welcome to Heaven. You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”
The cat answered, ”Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you ? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are best.
Give Us This Day
Colonel Sanders called the Pope up one day and said, “You’ve got to help me out. Chicken sales are way down. I’ll pay you $10 million to change the Lord’s Prayer to give us this day our Daily Chicken.”
The Pope said,”I can’t do that. We can’t just change the Lord’s Prayer!”
The Colonel let it go but was back begging a few days later, “Your imminence, please help! I’ll donate $50 million to the church!”
“Absolutely not!” Answered the Pope. “The Lord’s Word is not for sale!”
A month or two later the Colonel was back.” Your imminence. Please help! All you have to do is change the Lord’s Prayer to give us our Daily Chicken. It’s not that big of a deal. Can’t you help me out for a $100 Million donation to the church?
“Well,” said the Pope.” That’s too great a donation for me to turn down without speaking to my advisors. Let me speak to them and get back to you.”
When he spoke to the Cardinals, he said, “We’ve been offered a huge donation, but it’s not all good news. It’s going to cost us the Wonder Bread Account.”
Evening Chuckle
Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,
” My Son, you have no arms!”
” No matter” replied the man.
He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked
” Bishop, who was this man?”
..wait for it…
wait for it…..
..” I don’t know his name” replied the Bishop sadly,
” But his face rings a bell.”
WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, “Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother.” The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs……
“What has happened? Who is this man? ” they cried.
” I don’t know his name” exclaimed the distraught Bishop,………
wait for it…….
wait for it…….
wait for it ………
” I don’t know his name…………but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
Evening Chuckle
A friend of mine recently visited Vermont from his home in Boston.
He had rented a rustic cabin, far from any people, deep in the North Country, hoping to get “away from it all”.
Sure nuff, after a long Autumn and early and snowy Winter had set in, Christmas approached; my friend began to long for some human contact.
Then across the frozen lake in front of him, a lone snowmobile approached. Slowly and surely it came closer till at last it stopped in front of him, and a lone bearded rider dismounted.
“Howdy, you interested in goin’ to a party?”
Without waiting for a reply he went on:
“Goin’ to have some good music”
“That’s great”
“Going to be lots of good food;”
“All right, I could use some home cooking”
“ there is goin’ to be some drinkin’, and there is goin’ to be some swearin’ ”,.
“No problem.”
“and there is goin’ to be some fightin.”
“Oh that’s okay”, said my friend, “I can just stay in the background”.
“And there is goiin’ to be some sex”.
My friend laughed. “Say, when is this party going to be anyway?”
“Its tonight” said the stranger.
“Well, I’d like to come so I better get dressed”
“Naw, no need to” smiled the stranger, “it ‘ill just be the two of us.”
Evening Chuckle
Alice and Myrtle were old friends. One slow summer afternoon as they sipped iced tea, Alice asked, “Myrtle, did you and your husband ever have mutual orgasm?”
Myrtle sipped and rocked and rocked and sipped. “No,” she finally replied. “We always had State Farm.”
Boudreau asks Bubba if he wants to go to the beach. Bubba says, “Oh, I’m embarrassed to go to the beach. I don’t fill out a swimsuit none too good.”
Boudreau says, “Bubba, just stick a nice sized tater down the front of your swim suit. It’ll do jist fine.”
So they head off to the beach. Boudreau sits down to read and Bubba goes for a walk. Boudreau comes back an hour later and he says, “Bubba, I don’t think that there tater was such a good idea. Ever’bodys pointin’ and laughin’.”
Boudreau tells him, “Bubba, you idjit, I tolt ya to put that there tater down the FRONT o’ yer suit!”
1st College Student: Did you hear that Fred’s parents sent him abroad for the summer?
2nd College Student: My parents won’t even allow playboy centerfolds on the wall..
Evening Chuckle
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
Nutsrok 