The Trouble With Ducks

I loved hearing my grandpa Roscoe get cranked up on a good story. His best were about devilish pranks he was part of as a boy.  This is one of my favorites.

duck drowning         ” I was over at my friend Everitt’s house one day.  For some reason, his mama didn’t like me much, so I pretty much tried to steer clear of her.  Well, we’d been to the barn to get Everitt’s cane pole and was headed for the creek, when we noticed that Miz Maxey, Everitt’s mama, had let her flock of ducks out. She was real proud of them ducks.  There was a mama duck with about a dozen ducklings just ahead of us.  They was just tiny little things, probably was gonna be their first time in the water.  Mama Duck went right on in with her brood following her.  They swam just like they’d been doing it for years.  Just as they was about to get to the other side, one of us (I think it must’ve been Everitt) chunked a piece of wood in the creek.  Them and their mama ducked under and come up on the other side.  I was on that other side and chunked it back across.  They ducked under and come up on the other side again.  It was so funny, I guess we’d done it more than we realized before we noticed fewer ducks were coming up.  We also hadn’t noticed Miz Maxey headed our way, mad as hops.  She’d seen what we was up to and I took off.  Last I knew, she was whaling Everitt, and yelling after me, “Run, you little devil, run!  I’ll git you next time!”  I kept my distance for a good long time!”

Jody’s Name Was Mud

It usually took two or three tries to get Jody out of bed on schooldays, but weekends were a totally different story.  He was always up before daylight watching cartoons.  He wasn’t supposed to go outdoors before Mom and Dad got up but today, it was impossible to resist.  Rain had been coming down all week, so the ditches were muddy rivers, a perfect Continue reading

Pass the Chicken Please or Fowl Friends

We went places and saw people that most people would never encounter.  Daddy had heard of somebody who lived back in the woods about four miles off Tobacco Road who had something he might be interested in buying.  He had to check it out, driving forever down muddy roads that looked like they might peter off into nothing.  Finally we got back to Mr. Tucker’s shack.  Mr. Tucker was wearing overalls and nothing else. While Daddy and Mr. Tucker disappeared into the tangle of weeds and mess of old cars, car tires, trash, dead washing machines and other refuse behind their house, Mother and the kids sat in the car.  It was hot.  Daddy was gone.  It got hotter.  Daddy was still gone.  We opened the car doors, hoping to catch a breeze. It got hotter and hotter. The baby was squalling.  Mrs. Tucker, a big woman in overalls came out in the front yard and started a fire, never even looking our way.  She probably thought our car was just another junk car in the yard.  It got even hotter.  We were begging Mother for a drink of water.  Daddy was still gone, admiring Mr. Tucker’s junk collection.  Daddy could talk for hours, unconcerned that his family was waiting in misery.  It didn’t matter that he didn’t know the people he’d just stumbled up on.  We spent many a miserable hour waiting in the car while he “talked”  usually on the way to visit some of his relatives.

Finally, in desperation, Mother got out of the car, introduced herself to Mrs. Tucker, and asked if the kids could have a drink of water.  Mrs, Tucker turned without speaking, went into the house, came back out with some cloudy snuff glasses, called us over to the well, drew a bucket of water, and let us drink till we were satisfied. That was the best water I ever had.  Mrs. Tucker pulled a couple of chairs under a shade tree and Mother sat down.  We all sat down in the dirt in the cool of the shade and played.  Daddy was still gone but things looked a lot better after we cooled off and had a drink.  Mrs. Tucker was interesting to look at, but didn’t have a lot to say.  She had a couple of teeth missing, greasy red hair in a bowl cut and long scratches down both arms.

Mother tried to talk to her, but Mrs. Tucker didn’t have a lot to say.  I couldn’t take my eyes off the missing teeth and long scratches down her arm.  I started talking to her.  She didn’t have any kids. It didn’t take long to figure out she “wasn’t right.” I was fascinated and wanted to ask about what happened the teeth, but knew that would get me in trouble, so I asked how she scratched her arms.  Mother hushed me up, but fortunately, Mrs. Tucker explained.  It seemed she was going to put a rooster in the big pot in the front yard to scald him before plucking him and he scratched her and escaped before she could get the lid on.  Apparently she didn’t know she was supposed to kill him first.  Just at the point where things were getting interesting, Daddy came back and I didn’t get to hear the rest of the story.

Mrs. Tucker sent us home with a turkey that day, teaching me a valuable lesson. Don’t ever accept the gift of a turkey.  Ol’ Tom was to be the guest of honor at our Thanksgiving Dinner.  Daddy put him in the chicken yard and Tom took over, whipping the roosters, terrorizing the hens, and jumping on any kid sent to feed the poultry. We hated him.  Mother brandished a stick to threaten him when she had to visit to the chicken yard.  He even flew over the fence and chased us as we played in the back yard till Daddy clipped his wings.

Before too long, we saw the Nickerson kids, the meanest kids in the neighborhood, headed for the chicken yard.  Mother couldn’t wait to see Tom get them.  Sure enough, Ol’ Devil Tom jumped out from behind a shed on jumped on the biggest boy, Clarence.  Clarence yelped and ran at Ol’ Tom, his mean brothers close on his heels, flogging Ol’ Tom mercilessly.  Unlike us, they didn’t run out with their tails tucked between their legs.  They launched an all-out attack on Tom, beating him with their jackets, sticks, and whatever they could grab.  They chased him till they tired of the game.  Tom never chased any of us again, but Mother never got around to thanking the Nickersons.

Don’t Be Such a Chicken!

Being a farm kid is not for sissies and cowards. The dark side of the chicken experience is slaughtering, plucking, cleaning, and preparing chickens for the pot.  I watched as Mother transformed into a slobbering beast as she towered over the caged chickens, snagging her victim by the leg with a twisted coat-hanger, ringing its neck and releasing it for its last run.  We crowded by, horribly thrilled by what we knew was coming.  It was scarier than ”The Night of the Living Dead”,  as the chicken flapping its wings, Continue reading

The Rooster and the Boozers

 

The Austins lived just across the pasture from us.  Jody Austin “drank.”  In our neck of the woods, “drinking” meant a man was disreputable, deprived and likely beat his wife and children, probably didn’t hold a job, and likely was prone to violence.  It sounded a lot like today’s alcoholic.  Jodie qualified magnificently.  It was rumored that he had shot a man in a bar.  Folks left Jody alone.  Every Saturday night Jody hosted his “drinking” buddies for a binge. The festivities started with a huge bonfire.  As they sat around on barrels, old cars, and broken lawn chairs, they tossed their cans out in the darkness. They got louder, sometimes had a friendly fight, occasionally rolling all around the fire, finishing off with a little singing…a treat for all the neighbors.  Continue reading

Good Old Sue

Trouble had its own plan and always lurked in the shadows waiting to jump me.  The simplest thing could go wrong.  There was just no way to anticipate what was down the road.  Billy and Troy were out of pocket when Uncle Parnell was ready to leave.  Daddy sent me and Sue to look for them.  Jamey and Froggy told us they had seen them close to the railroad track.  Daddy had told us many times not to let him catch us on the railroad track.  We played close to it all the time, but out of consideration to him, were very careful not to let him catch us.  Jamey and Froggy went along to help us.  Near the railroad, we found Billy’s sling shot.  I knew he would never have abandoned it.  This was serious!!!!   Froggy slipped under the fence and scrambled up into one of the railcars, pulling Jamey up after him.  We heard them exclaiming, “Golleeeee…would you look at this! Continue reading

Ruth Elaine and the Exploding Baby (from Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad Kathleen Swain’s memoir of growing up during the Depression by Linda Swain Bethea)

The first-grade class prayed for reprieve as Luther Simpson stumbled through a page of Jane and Fluff the Kitten while the second-graders dawdled over their sums across the aisle in our shared classroom.

Little Ruth Elaine Lawson, a girl I’d had always thought dull, dropped her head to her desk and snuffled quietly, before bursting into great, heart-wrenching, snotty sobs. Startled at this display in a child normally so quiet, Miss Billie knelt at her side, trying to console Ruth her.

“My baby brother’s dead!!! Baby Willie got cut in two by lightning in his bed last night!!!   Ooh!!! Hoo!!! Hoo!! Hoo!!! Hoo!! Hoo!!”

A collective gasp swept the classroom. True enough, there had been a terrible storm, lightning and thunder, violent enough to keep children and adults awake, but news of this terrible tragedy hadn’t gotten around yet. Shocked, Miss Billie embraced Ruth Elaine pitying the heart-broken mother who had been too undone by grief to keep this small one at her side today. The class buzzed, shocked at the news of Baby Willie’s death. Miss Billie silenced us with a fierce look, told us she’d be right back, and led the weeping child from the room, leaving Lessie Perkins to take names of evil-doers.

The whole class erupted, energized by this thrilling break in a dull day. Leonard Pope sparked a riot as an exploding baby, inspiring a room full of exploding babies as little girls feverishly tried to get the details of Willie’s catastrophe straight, thoroughly understanding the link between social status and sensational gossip. Jack Parker illustrated the explosion on the blackboard. Self-righteous, Lessie Perkins listened at the door as Miss Billie spoke to her husband, the principal, Mr. Kinnebrew. Questioning Ruth Elaine, they learned that none of the family had been notified of the tragedy. It was decided he’d get someone to take his class and notify them. As he headed to his office with Ruth Elaine, Lessie alerted the class of Miss Billie’s return. Students raced for desks, papers flying in their wake. Lessie feverishly working to get all the names, despite the fact that she’d had as much fun as anyone. Studiously oblivious to the thunderous noises preceding her reentry into the room without Ruth Elaine, Miss Billy didn’t even look up as she took the list Lessie waved imperiously. Unperturbed, she picked up where the lesson had left off.

The real tragedy resumed as Luther resumed his tortured reading. Following along just enough to keep myself out of trouble should I be called upon to read next, I immersed myself in delightfully gory images of pudgy Baby Willie, lacerated by lightning from the right shoulder angling to the left hip, a smoking mess of blood and guts covering his snowy bed linens and blasted to the walls and ceiling beyond. Repulsive stalactites of stomach contents and clotted blood dangled from the charred ceiling dripping bloody patterns on the pine floor. Little Willie’s spirit was sure to haunt to the house where he’d met his gruesome death, forcing his bereaved family to flee and fall into greater and greater misfortune as time went on. Little Willie’s spirit would linger, intent on torturing all those foolish enough to venture near on a dark stormy night. …….Oh the story went on and on. I deeply regretted not having befriended colorless little Ruth Elaine earlier in order to be nearer to the tragedy, but resolved to remedy that mistake as soon as possible, nevermore to miss a precious dramatic tidbit. The ghost of Little Willie might even pay a visit to his grieving family while I was there comforting my dear friend, Ruth Elaine, making me a central character of some future thrilling story.I schemed carefully, leaving out no possible benefit to myself.

Desperate to be the bearer of bad tidings, I plotted to race home at recess instead of waiting for lunch, but suspected John might have the same idea. Fortunately, I was first out when the bell rang, a full two hundred feet ahead of John, and raced ahead up the kitchen steps, flushed by victory, to spew the thrilling news, only to be deflated as I interrupted Mama and Daddy discussing who Mama would catch a ride with to take food out to the Lawson’s.   Turning from the woodstove where she was putting on a pan of cornbread, Mama scolded “You know you don’t have time to come home at recess. Now get a biscuit and get back to school.”

I didn’t get to tell anybody. The news had already spread like wildfire.
Out of respect to the family, Mr. Kinnebrew dismissed school at noon. Ruth Elaine, normally socially invisible, wandered from the office with her lunch bucket, mystified to find herself Queen of the Playground. The big girls jostled for position around her, shoving lowly first graders to the side, demanding details of the catastrophe.

“Did it set him on fire?”

“Did guts splatter everywhere when he exploded?”

“Did any get on you?”  

A real crowd-pleaser, Ruth Elaine’s story got bigger, better, and more macabre. She was just about to eat lunch with Bessie Sue Jones and Clara Pearson, the meanest fourth-graders in school when she looked up to see her mother’s two older sisters, Myrtle and Mavis, coming toward her, crying their eyes out.

“Oh, Ruth Elaine, why ain’t Maysie sent for us? What ‘n the world happened? This is going to kill pore Maysie!! She’s allus been nervous, takin’ it so hard when Mama died and never gittn’ back to herself after the baby.”

At this, Ruth Elaine forgot her new friends and got serious about crying. Her aunts put her in the wagon, vainly trying to console her, and headed up a parade including the minister and a benevolent delegation of church ladies bearing smoked ham, fried chicken, casseroles, cakes, and canned goods snaking toward the Lawson home. The bounty and variety of food bespoke the magnitude of the catastrophe.

The brilliant beauty of the blue sky fall day belied the terrible loss to be confronted as they journeyed toward their painful destination. Myrtle and Mavis kept thinking of Aunt Sue who’d lost her mind after the mad dog bit her little Joe. She’d been no good to herself or anyone else after living through his terrible death. Maysie had always been so much like poor Aunt Sue. Ruth Elaine wailed louder as they neared the house, begging them to turn around and take her back to school. The aunts pitied her and fussed over her, thinking of the horrible things she had witnessed, Ruth Elaine crying ever louder at their concern.

Dreading what they’d find as they pulled up in the sunny yard, Myrtle’s husband, Joe, called out, “Yoo Hoo! Anybody home?”  

For a minute, the only answer was the barking of Will Lawson’s hound. It was impossible to see into the dark, unpainted house. Eventually, Maysie Lawson, interrupted at bathing and nursing Baby Willie, came to stand in the dark doorway. With her frazzled hair and unkempt appearance, clutching what her sisters interpreted as a blanket-wrapped body in her arms, her sisters feared she was unhinged by grief. They wailed anew, “Oh Maysie.! Pore Maysie!”

Nearly blinded by the sun in the dark doorway, seeing only the outlines of her sisters and the crowd behind them, poor Maysie knows they could only have come tell her Death has claimed Ruth Elaine, since Will, Baby Willie, and her sisters are there with her. Sweet little Ruth Elaine, her darling little girl! Had she even kissed her before shooing her off to school that morning? Broken by loss, she fell to her knees keening, “Oh my poor baby! My baby! I can’t stand it!”

Holding Baby Willie even tighter to her bosom, she wailed, burying her head in Willie’s blanket. As Maysie keened her loss, Ruth Elaine peeked from her hiding place behind the wagon seat. Myrtle and Mavis moved toward poor Maysie, still huddled in the doorway, wanting to comfort her, yet dreading her disintegration when they had to take the hideously, disemboweled body of Baby Willie from her. At this point, Will came whistling around the back of the house to see what had the dog all stirred up. Myrtle enfolded the weeping Maysie tenderly in an embrace while Mavis took the blanket-wrapped child’s body. Chubby little Willie, squalled out in protest before rooting at his Aunt, assuming one breast was as good as another. Shocked, Mavis shrieked and nearly dropped him. With Maysie sobbing for poor Ruth Elaine who was obviously alive and well, and Little Willie, chubby and hungry in his aunt’s arms, Confusion reigned. Knowing the whole mess was about to unravel, Ruth Elaine dragged herself from the wagon to face her parents.

Mortified to find themselves the hosts of a wake for a live child and parents of a phenomenal liar who’d duped the entire community, the Lawsons made the best of an embarrassing situation and invited the community to a Thanksgiving celebration for the child they might have lost.

I’d had never been special friends with Ruth Elaine, but that night, I studied her. How in the world had Ruth Elaine ever come up with that wild story and carried it off so well? Her ability to had cry so convincingly that no one ever doubted her was impressive.  I watched her closely for a long time afterward, but sadly, the flame of her imagination had burned but once and briefly, perhaps due to the interference of her parents or paucity of opportunity.

Her elevated social status was fleeting.  Even though I initially felt shortchanged and resentful upon learning that there would be no fine funeral, to this day I am still grateful to Ruth Elaine for a wonderful tale that has been shared at many family gatherings.

To be continued

Things Mothers Do

aI miss all the things my mother used to do for me. Even though she had to get up to a freezing house at five-thirty in winter to do it, she always had a hot breakfast on the table when we got up, usually hot biscuits, eggs, fresh milk, home-made jam or preserves, and either grits or oatmeal.  Like most kids, I didn’t want it, but she insisted.  “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”  After the whirlwind of getting the older kids on the bus, she’d wash, iron, clean, sew, tend the garden, and when she finished her own pleasant tasks, do whatever extra things Daddy had to help her pass the time, all between taking care of however many of the children might be babies or toddlers. Continue reading

Squeaky crapped my pants! Smarty Kitty update

Squeaky crapped my pants! Really! Just in case you didn’t read my earlier post.  I bought “Smarty Kitty” off an infomercial when I was seduced by the idea of a cat using toilet, instead of the cat box.  Never mind that Squeaky had been happily using his cat box without fail for the entire five years since we adopted him.   Now, he won’t go near it, leaving surprises in the bathtub, on towels, on rugs, in my sewing basket……..I am frustrated by the mess and feel guilty for confusing him.  I’ve considered euthanasia, for me, not him, but that seems unethical since I took him out of a shelter and promised him a good home. Continue reading