Our school was tiny. So tiny that even with two grades sharing a room and teacher, there were still usually less than fifteen students in the two grades. The good news was, if you didn’t learn everything you should have in second grade math, you got another crack at it in third grade while the new second grade covered the same material. Though each class used different books, the lessons sounded much the same. Continue reading
funny
Jump Frog
This guy poked his head up as I was just ready to plant. I jumped and shrieked like he was a monster. I wonder if he thought it was funny?
Her Facts Didn’t Run
Our school was tiny. So tiny that even with two grades sharing a room and teacher, there were still usually less than fifteen students in the two grades. The good news was, if you didn’t learn everything you should have in second grade math, you got another crack at it in third grade while the new second grade covered the same material. Though each class used different books, the lessons sounded much the same. Continue reading
Decent Jokes for Your Sunday Chuckles
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”
“That’s not bad at all…!”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”
“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”
“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”
“So why are so glum?”
“This week – nothing!”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip…
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, “my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners.” The Rabbi says “my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple.” The Islamic imam says, “my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot.” The Baptist minister says, “My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!”
Croc’s Breakfast Adventures: A Morning Routine
Things went Croc’s way for once this morning. For once I slept later than Bud, I normally feed and water the dogs first thing in the morning. It’s written in stone for Croc. I picked up Croc’s dish, filled it and put it in front of him. He gobbled his food, like always, looking at me plaintively like Oliver Twist. “Please Ma’am? Can I have some more?” He got no more.
jLittle dog turned his nose up at his breakfast, like he usually does. When given the word, Croc gobbled it, too.
just then, Bud walked in the living room. “I fed Croc.” He told me.
”Oh no! I did, too!. He was begging when I came through.”
The Best of the Afternoon Funnies
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
If life gives you melons then you’re probably dyslexic!
Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay?
He’s still in daniel!
Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He walked into a bra?
Have you heard about a guy who used to have dyslexia?
He now has dailysex instead!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”
A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald’s?
She said: “You can have one if you can spell it.”
The boy replied: “Fine, I’ll have a KFC!”
Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car.
One turned to the other and said, “Can you smell petrol?”
The other replied, “Don’t be a moron, I can’t even smell my own name!”
A dyslexic robber ran into a bank.
He screamed: “Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up!”
What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
Have you heard of the cow who attained spirtual enlightenment?
She was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic, he suffers from insomnia because he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Slipped Away!
This story seems to be too complicated to be true, but it is. It looked like my mother had to tried to set my dad up but she was never organized enough for this. Daddy had worked graveyard shift, so was settling in for his day sleep. The last thing Daddy told her before lying down was that he was expecting a “man to come see him about a dog.” Knowing Mother had business to attend to that day, he was expecting the man to honk his horn to wake him.
Expecting Daddy to sleep a while, Mother took the opportunity to finish waxing the hall before leaving. Sure it would be dry before Daddy had to get up.
Her waxing done, Mother headed out the door. When she got to the end of the two-hundred-yard long driveway, Mother’s path was blocked by a complacent cow. Frustrated, Mother edged closer to cud-chewing old Bessie, who regarded Mother sagely. Bessie was unconcerned. Not to be bested by a cow, Mother laid down on the horn till Bessie got out of the way.
Meanwhile, back at the house Daddy lay lightly snoozing, mindful that he was listening for the horn-blowing signal of his friend. Hearing Mother’s distant horn blast, he jumped out of bed, struggled into his pants and launched down the recently waxed hall. It was slick as a gut. Head over heels, he slid the length of that hall on his butt, only to get to the window just in time to see Mother’s car disappearing in the distance. Muttering angrily, he headed back to bed.
Later that day, Mother arrived home just before Daddy’s visitor. Seating the man, she put the coffee on before going to rouse Daddy. Headed down the hall to wake him, she was surprised to see the wide unwaxed stretch right down the middle of the hall. The timing probably saved her life. When Daddy launched into the story of of the trap Mother had set and his perilous slide down the hall, his buddy laughed so hard at him, they all had a big laugh.
That’s probably the only thing that saved Mother’s life.
Don’t Spin Your Greens, Granny (Part 2 of Multi-Function Appliances
When you live in the South and visit old folks in the country, the first thing you have to do is admire their garden. You’re liable to come home with a “mess of greens.” For the unenlightened, greens include turnips, collards, or mustard greens. Boiled down low, with a bit of pork, and garnished with a splash of “pepper sauce,” greens make a delicious meal. A true connoisseur polishes off by sopping up the juice, or pot-liquor with cornbread. If you’re above the Mason-Dixon Line, try a roll.
That’s the happy ending. Now, we get down to the nitty gritty, literally. Greens have to be “looked and washed.” The first step is dispossessing the wildlife who habituate greens. Nobody wants to find half a worm or a cluster of bug eggs in their pot-liquor. You have to give both sides of each rumpled leaf a good look, wash, and then wash and rinse copiously.
I’d heard the glorious news that greens could be washed in the washing machine, cutting down tremendously on prep time. The next time Bud came in wagging a bag no of greens, I didn’t moan like normal, having recently heard the good news that greens could be washed in the washing machine. As usual, the basic information registered, not the total technique. I loaded the washer with dirty greens and detergent and hit the start button. Quite a while later, the alarm sounded, and I went to retrieve my sparkling greens. Alas, no greens remained, just a few tough stems and a few bits of leaves. A follow-up conversation with my friend revealed that I should have only washed them on gentle and not continue to spend.
Though I hoped he’d forget, Bud came in that night expecting greens. I feigned innocence. “What greens?”
It didn’t fly. “The greens I brought in yesterday.”
It’s hard to come up with an excuse how precious greens went missing. I gave up and told the truth, though I don’t like worrying Bud stuff with gets his blood pressure up. I’m considerate that way. “They went down the drain.”
“How in the Hell did they go down the drain?” I don’t know why he gets all up in my housekeeping and cooking business.
“They just did. Now don’t keep asking nosy questions!”
“Exactly what drain and how did that happen?”
“The washing machine drain.” I hoped if I answered matter-of-factly, he’d move on. I didn’t work.
“You put greens in the washing machine? What in the Hell were you thinking?” I hate it when he apes back what I’ve just said. I’ve told him it gets on my nerves.
“It takes forever to look and wash greens. Jenny told me she puts hers in the washer and it works great. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to put them through spin.”
“Grouch, grouch, grouch @^%&( , #@$%! Don’t ever put )(^%&# greens in the washer, again.”
“Okay, okay. Don’t go on forever about it. I get tired of your nagging”
Since then I’ve been careful not to spin them. It works great.
Including link: https://letstalkguild.com/
“Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Evening massage – 6 p.m.
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.
Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. After communion, we will sing “Crown Him With Many Crows.”” https://letstalkguild.com/ltg/index.php?threads/church-bulletin-bloopers.212004/#:~:text=Favorite%20Church%20Bulletin,With%20Many%20Crows.%E2%80%9D
Nutsrok 