We grew up in a huge extended family. My grandmother had more than forty grandchildren and many great-grandchildren. It was common for many of them to gather on holidays. When my brother was about four, one cousin in particular, Gary, was bad about hitting. Bill was not an aggressive kid and came crying to mother. Before the next visit, in an effort to teach him to stick up for himself, Mother told Bill to hit Gary back. Bashful, Billy didn’t want to. Knowing he had to learn, Mother told Billy if he didn’t she’d spank him. He definitely didn’t want that.
The next day when the families got together, Billy chased Gary around in view of all the parents, calling out to Mother over his shoulder.. “Do you want me to hit him now, Mama? Can I hit him now?”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why do geographers find mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas.
What pencil did Shakespeare write with? 2B.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.
Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/4th.
What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!
What is a math teacher’s favorite sum? Summer!
Why does the principal keep talking to me about having more “arty eye” (RTI)? I teach reading, not art.
Teacher: Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class. Craig: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of. Pupil: Life imprisonment!
Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!
Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
Where do door-makers get their education? The school of hard knocks.
Teacher: Why have you got cotton in your ears? Do you have an infection? Pupil: Well, you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to keep them it all in!
Kid comes home from first day at school. Mom asks, “What did you learn today?” Kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do? Teacher: Of course not. Pupil: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
There is one person in our district who is all about “No Child Left Behind.” Who’s that? The bus driver.
What kinds of tests do they give witches? Hex-aminations.
Teacher: You copied from Fred’s exam paper, didn’t you? Pupil: How did you know? Teacher: Fred’s paper says “I don’t know” and you put, “Me neither!”
Three frogs walked into a bar, the fourth frog ducked.
——————————————————————————– Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them!
——————————————————————————– What does a frog wear on St. Patrick’s day? Nothing!
——————————————————————————– What did the frog dress up for on Halloween? A prince.
——————————————————————————– How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know.
——————————————————————————– Whats the preferred car of frogs? The Beetle.
——————————————————————————– What’s green and jumps? A frog!! (groan!)
——————————————————————————– What’s green and red? A very mad frog.
——————————————————————————– What’s green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox!
——————————————————————————– What’s green with bumps? A frog with the measles!
——————————————————————————– What’s black and white and green? A frog sitting on a newspaper.
——————————————————————————– What’s green and dangerous? A frog with a hand-grenade.
——————————————————————————– What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside? A frog sandwich!
——————————————————————————– What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? Hop in!
——————————————————————————– What happens when two frogs collide? They get tongue tied!
——————————————————————————– What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!
——————————————————————————– What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!
——————————————————————————– What is the first book a tadpole reads? Metamorphosis by Kafka.
——————————————————————————– How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? Unhoppy.
——————————————————————————– What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit!
——————————————————————————– Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.
——————————————————————————– What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!!
——————————————————————————– What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!
——————————————————————————– What’s green green green green green? a frog rolling down a hill
——————————————————————————– What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!
——————————————————————————– Why did the frog go to the mall? Because he wanted to go hopping.
——————————————————————————– I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can. I asked him what he was doing. He said, “I’m moving!”
——————————————————————————– Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn’t… he jumped. Why did the frog cross the street? because the chicken crossed the road. Why did the frog cross the road? to see what the chicken was doing. Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. Why did the frog stop in the middle of the road? To get hit by a steamroller Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road? He ran after a fly and was hit by a car. Why did the frog cross the road? If a chicken can do it so could he!
——————————————————————————– How can you tell if a frog doesn’t have ears? You yell “Free Flies” and he doesn’t come.
——————————————————————————– How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
——————————————————————————– How do you apologize to a witch? Ribbit!
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the officer.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I am a Home Health Nurse, I was always speeding. I love to drive fast. One afternoon, I saw the familiar lights, behind me, and pulled over. I lit a cigarette, got my insurance card, and license in my hand. Ready to hand it to the officer, I knew the drill. I noticed the officer really eyeing the mess my car was in. I hadn’t cleaned it out the weekend before. So, now almost 2 weeks worth of trash was almost level to the passenger seat, from the floorboard. The officer said, with doubt that his eyes, and tone, “Are you sure it’s safe to smoke a cigarette, that close to that mess.” Without missing a beat, I returned, “Officer. I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a ticket for speeding, and not for hauling trash without a permit.” The officer gave me a split second double take. Then started laughing, and kept laughing. He couldn’t even get out what he was trying to say. Finally, he waved me on. Said that was the best response he ever heard.
Helpful Wife
An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.
The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer’s salary—in the passenger seat.
“I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone,” the officer says.
The driver replies, “No sir, I was going just a little over 55.”
The woman says, “Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!”
The man gives his wife a dirty look.
The officer says, “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
“Broken tail light?” the man replies. “I didn’t know about a broken tail light.”
The woman exclaims, “Stuart! You’ve known about that tail light for weeks!”
The man gives his young wife another dirty look.
The officer then says, “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
The driver replies, “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
“Stuart,” the pretty woman says, “you know you never wear your seat belt!”
The husband bursts out, “Shut your mouth, woman!”
The officer takes a moment, and then says, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
“No,” she says, “Only when he’s drunk.”
2. Prescription Glasses
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”
Driver says, “Officer, I have contacts.”
Officer says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.
3. The Clairvoyant
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
4. Energizer Bunny
The energizer bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.
5. Two Peanuts
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in a bad neighborhood? One was assaulted.
6. Forty Over
An officer conducting speed enforcement stops a young man for traveling in excess of 40 mph over the speed limit. The officer approaches the driver and says, “Well, 40 over…I been waiting for you to come along all day.”
Without pause, the young man replies, “I got here as fast as I could!”
7. California Roll
After making a “California Stop” at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver’s license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
The driver replies, “I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through.”
The officer replies, “You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection.”
The driver argues back. “There was no one coming. What’s the big deal?”
The officer tries again. “Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign.”
The driver is not convinced. “If there’s no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what’s the difference?”
The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.
“Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?”
8. The Hospital
An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, “Are you okay?”
The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”
The officer replies, “Just keep standing there.”
9. The Lecture
An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Who would be giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man says, “My wife.”
10. Drug Test
An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”
Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
11. The Wedding
An officer pulls over a man for speeding.
Before the officer can even say a word at the stop, the man—dressed in a tuxedo—blurts out, “Sir you have to listen to me…”
The officer cuts him off, “Sir, you were going twice the speed limit, I’m going to issue a ticket.”
Insistent, the man pleads, “Please! I have to…”
The officer interrupts, “Don’t bother, you’re getting this ticket.”
This back-and-forth continues for several minutes, eventually escalating to where the man was becoming openly hostile. The officer places the man under arrest.
At the holding cell, the officer says, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the man in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Alcohol jokes Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
Little Johnny jokes Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”
Cop jokes An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!” In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. ” The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
On our Wedding night my wife made me promise to never look in her bottom bed stand drawer and I kept it faithfully for the first 27 years I preached … during that year she went on vacation and being left alone … I just could not resist … I peaked … and there was 6 eggs and over $500 dollars ???
I was so ashamed of myself … I was eaten up with curiosity and guilt … I just had to confess to her as soon as she got back.She was such an angel … she readily forgave me and I just had to ask what the 6 eggs were for:
She said every time you preach a bad sermon I put an egg in the drawer from our own chickens.
I thought 27 years 1 Sunday school, 2 Worship service 3 Sunday evening Worship and 4 Wednesday night times 27 years … sounds about right to me but what about the over $500 dollars ?
She said: every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them !
Daddy’s family was a fan of doctors and medicines. When they’d get together, the topic was sure to turn to their latest symptoms, doctor’s visit or medication. Diet pills and nerve pills were favorites with the women. If Aunt Jewel was prescribed a medication and didn’t complete the course, Uncle Albert polished it off. “I ain’t throwin’out somethin’ that costs that much.”
One day, Daddy heard of a fine new doctor. Soon, he was experiencing difficulties and had mother set him up an appointment. They got there on the dot and he was called straight back. As Mother waited, she noticed there were only women in the waiting room. In minutes, Daddy was back, looking sheepish. The obstetrician/gynecologist wouldn’t see him.
I tried to get a shipment of fire hydrants from the factory that makes ‘em, but I wasn’t allowed to stop anywhere near the place!
[Updated 12/29/19].
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
A genie comes out and says, “Thank you for releasing me, master. I will grant you one wish.”
The trucker thinks for a moment and says, “I would like my own personal, private, toll-free road from New York to California.”
The genie shakes his head and says, “There are far too many federal, state, and local regulations involved, that would be too difficult. Is there anything else you’d rather have?”
The trucker thinks for another minute and says “I wish my wife would stop nagging me.” The genie replies, “All right, how many lanes do you want for that road?”
On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions.
The examiner asks “What would you do if your headlights went out?” and Charlie says “I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, shine a flashlight out the window so we could keep going.”
The examiner says “OK, but you shouldn’t rely on your partner to help you with problems. What if you’re backing up and the trailer starts to jack-knife, what would you do?” and Charlie says “Well, I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, hop out and help direct me.”
The examiner says “I guess that would help but you shouldn’t rely on your co-driver all the time.”
For his last question the examiner decides he’s going to give a question that no co-driver in the world can help with!
“Okay, now what do you do if you’re on a steep downhill grade, the road is really icy, your brakes are locked up, and at the bottom of the hill is a narrow bridge with a hazardous materials truck coming the other way at you?”
Charlie thinks a minute, and he says “Well, I’d reach over and shake old Joe awake because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”
Bud loves fly-fishing. We camped at Dynamite Hill Campground near the Little Missouri River in Arkansas. Before daylight, I had coffee, sausage, biscuits, and eggs on our picnic table, under the tall pines. We enjoyed breakfast as the sun came up over the hills. Since it was a brisk morning and we weren’t concerned about spoilage, we wrapped our leftover sausage biscuits in foil and left them on the picnic table for the second breakfast we anticipated when Bud came back from his morning’s fishing. I took the opportunity to snuggle back under the covers with the dogs.
As I snoozed off and on through the morning, I noticed the birds were noisier than those at home. Near ten, I put on another pot of coffee, expecting Bud to show up soon.
I heard Bud shouting before I saw him. “Get out of here, you dirty little 4$.(@/s.” Mumble, rhrrrr, grumble!” I saw a rock fly skyward, then another, as I stepped out with a cup of hot coffee. The picnic table was littered with tattered scraps of napkins. Not a sausage biscuit remained! The jam was overturned. Had they only had opposable thumbs, I’m sure they’d have emptied the jar. As I glanced skyward. I saw the sun shining on bits of foil decorating the lower branches. A further inspection revealed that the observant crows had taken every sausage biscuit. Only a few crumbs lay neglected. Had Bud only been a few minutes later, they’d have been history, too. The crows didn’t seem a bit grateful, offering only raucous complaints at Bud’s fist-shaking, rock-throwing deprecations.
Nutsrok 