“Kathleen, I hate to bother you, but Oly is comin’in on the bus Friday. Would you mind takin’ me to pick her up?” I listened in as Miss Laura buttered my biscuit.
“Sure, I’ll be glad to. Is that the one whose husband just died?” Mother asked.
“Yes, he’d been sick in bed a long time,” replied Miss Laura. “I was poorly when he died and couldn’t make it for the funeral, so Oly told me to just wait an’she’d come stay awhile after she got him buried. We never got to visit much. She was just a baby when she married an’ and I only got to see her once in a great while.”
I was fascinated with the idea of a baby marrying and couldn’t wait to see her. Maybe we could play together. As I stood on the step with my biscuit, I was lost in thought. imagining a pig-tailed girl my age steeping off a school bus, the only bus I knew a thing about.
Mother pulled in at Mitchell’s Cafe out on the highway on Friday. We sweltered in the July heat as Billy and I tusseled in the back seat. Mother and Miss Laura Mae fanned themselves as heat monkeys danced on the pavement. Dust fogged in the open car windows as a long gray vehickle with a picture of a skinny dog pulled up.
“Here she comes!” Miss Laura Mae clutched her big black purse and heaved herself out of the car as the bus door opened.
I sat up and watched for a little girl in a wedding dress to emerge, but no one got off but an old lady in a flowered dress. Miss Laura Mae hurried over, catching her in a huge hug smashing their identical pushes between them. Her curly white hair was caught up in a hair net and she wore the same black lace-up old lady oxfords as Miss Laura Mae. The bus driver pulled her bag from a bin on the side of the bus. Mother helped her load it in the trunk.
“Kathleen, this is my sister, Oly.” Sadly, I abandoned my hope of a playmate.
“Nice to meet you, Miss Oly. How are you doing?”
“Oh, I couldn’t be better,” said Miss Oly. “I ain’t baked a biscuit since June 6th, the day my Ol’ man died!”
Miss Laura Mae and Miss Oly laughed out loud as Mother replied, “Oh, that’s nice,” as she cranked the car.
I dawdled a bit to talk to Miss Laura Mae one morning as she put plum butter and a piece of bacon on the hot biscuit she’d split for me. “Floyd died twenty years ago today. It shore don’t seem like it?”
That caught my attention. “Who shot him?”
She and Mother both burst out laughing. “Why nobody shot him, honey. He just got sick and died.”
“Looks like she’s been watching too much ‘Gunsmoke’.” Mother said, but I could tell she wasn’t really mad. “Linda, don’t be asking stuff that’s none of your business. Get your biscuit and go stand on the top step!” Mother sputtered. I certainly knew better than to ask nosey questions, but sometimes my curiosity got the best of me.
“She didn’t mean no harm,” Miss Laura chuckled, “But I tell you who I could’a shot.”
I lingered on the top step to listen in. I needed to know who Miss Laura Mae could’a shot.
“Floyd come in awful sick after work one Friday evenin’. He had a pain in his groin an’ it was all swole up. I couldn’t get him to let me call the doctor, but he was ready to go long before daylight. Betty Lou and the baby come to stay with the kids while me an’ her ol’ man Roy took Floyd in to the doctor in his truck. They done surgery soon as we got there, but Floyd had done got gangrene in his intestines. They wasn’t a thing they could do. I stayed with Floyd and Roy went on home to tend to stuff. I told him not to let on to the kids that Floyd was a’dyin’. I figured they’d find out soon enough when I was there to tell ‘em. Glomie was a’goin’ with Mack Thompson to the pitcher show that night like she’d been a’doin’ Saturdays for a while. They’d been a wantin’ to git married, but she wasn’t but sixteen and I told her she was too young. I got married at fifteen. I knowed what it meant to be tied down too young.
Well, Floyd died along about ten-thirty Saturday night. It was up in the morning before I got home. I let the kids sleep, and had biscuits in the oven before I went to wake ‘em up. When I went in the girl’s room, Glomie hadn’ ever come in. Myrt said she slept so hard she didn’ even know. I was scart to death. I didn’ know if her an’ Ray had had a wreck or what. Seems like we would have heard somethin’ though. Well, I had to go ahead an’ tell the other kids. O’ course they took it somethin’ awful. I was worried about Betty Lou. She was about four months along with a new baby, but she done alright. There wasn’t nothing to do but wait. After a while, Myrt came in a squallin’ an’ tol’ me she thought Glomie and Mack might’a run off and got married. Glomie had been talkin’ about it. I could’a shot her and Mack Thompson fer pullin’ such a trick.
Sure enough, about eleven-thirty that morning, just as neighbors was a’startin’ to bring food in for the mourners, here come Glomie and Mack, all nervous-like. Glomie thought all them folks was there to look for her. She was hurt that while her daddy was a’dyin’ she had slipped off and got married. I told her, ‘Well, you done made your bed. Now you got to lie in it.’
Mack turned out to be a purty good feller. He works and goes to church with ‘er ever Sunday and breaks up my garden ever’ spring. They been together ever’ since an’ had three kids. The oldest one is ‘bout to graduate, valedictorian of his class. You just can’t never tell how things is gonna turn out. Sometimes, it’s good God don’t let us run things.”
Nights of Christmas; for the Scrooge in Thee Submitted by Ed Contreras & Liz Rodriguez
Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me Is ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. ****
TWO —- The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me is my [Husband]: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
THREE —— The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Inebriated man]: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FOUR —– The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Frustrated man]: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FIVE —– The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
SIX — The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Frustrated wife]: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
SEVEN —— The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Angry man]: The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2: I’m trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
EIGHT —– The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Loud kid]: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do you mean, “your in-laws”?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
NINE —- The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Another frustrated man]: No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TEN —- The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [Toy-commercial voice]: “Batteries not included”, 9: No parking spaces, 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
ELEVEN ——- The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [TV Critic]: Stale TV specials, 10: “Batteries not included”, 9: No parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6: (sobbing) She’s a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who’s got the toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TWELVE —— The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me: [A few guys]: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10: “Batteries not included”, 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make ’em dinner! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I’m not sending them this year, that’s it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you’re so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, “I don’t want to pay for it.”
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son’s whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house. Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. “How did you cut it down so fast?” his son asks.
“I didn’t cut it down,” the father replies. “I got it at a tree lot.”
“Then why did you bring an axe?”
“Because I didn’t want to pay.”
To All Employees From Management Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
My work friend, Charlotte, told me of running her credit card up calling “Miss Cleo” a TV psychic who advertised on daytime TV. “She tells me good stuff but keep stringing me on to run my bill up.
“Oh Charlotte.” I said. “Don’t call her. She’s a fake. She just tells you what she knows people want to hear. I can forecast as well as she can and won’t charge you a penny! Let’s see. You are going to meet a tall man with really dark skin who will really like you. Also, you will come into some money”
“Well, I sure hope I get some money.” she said. “It’s a week till payday and I ain’t got a penny.”
Monday morning she came in walking on air. “You told my fortune better than Miss Cleo.” she said. “I found a hundred dollar bill on the parking lot Friday on the way out. Then I went to the club on Saturday night with Cherry Dale and I met this tall, handsome man. He was just crazy about me. He’s picking me up after work today. You got to tell me another fortune.”
“Charlotte, I can’t tell fortunes. I just told that as an example of a fortune like Miss Cleo tells. I didn’t want her to get any more of your money.” I told her.
“Well, you sure told me right!” She insisted.
“It was a total shot in the dark.”
She clearly believed I had a talent. Quite a few times after that she asked for a fortune. They were all general things a woman might want to hear. A few times I got something she thought happened. She remembered those and she insisted I could foretell. At least I didn’t run her credit card up. I guess even a blind hog gets an acorn sometime.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
I told Santa you were good this year….and He hasn’t stopped laughing since!
Entering Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
You Better be Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”
A Christmas Gift A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
Signs of Christmas EverywhereSubmitted by L Jon Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything… a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
A Sign of the TimesAs a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.
Do You Know Santa’s True Profession??? Submitted by KSmith
Consider the following:
1. You never actually see Santa, only his “assistants.” 2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. 3. Santa doesn’t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he’s the one who everybody credits with the work. 4. Santa doesn’t work anywhere near a 40 hour week. 5. Santa travels a lot.
Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
At Grandma’s- Written by Tab Nettleton Submitted by Joke-Of-The-Day.com member Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO… I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”
Christmas FiremanIn a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here,
HumorMatterstm
Nutsrok 