humor

Afternoon Funny

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The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle
pony?”

“Shore,”said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want,
English or western?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the lady.

“The western saddle has a horn on it,” said the cowboy.

“If the traffic is so thick here in
the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I
don’t believe I want to ride.”

Three cowboys of the world are sitting
around camp talking about how tough they were.  The tales
kept getting bigger and bigger.
The cowboy from Australia says, “I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and
made it cry like a baby.”

The cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, “I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands.”

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept
stirring the campfire with his leg.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher
became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m
going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, What’s
your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.

Q: Why
can’t the bankrupt cowboy
complain?
A: He has got no beef.

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasyhe slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would yaw’l tighten that noos
a little bit? I can’t swim!”

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were
resting their horses out on the range.

“What’d Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?” asked Swint.

“Pair of cufflinks,” said Fess. “But I ain’t got no use for them. I can’t even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced.”

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Joke of the Day

farside 2 ad 2 ad3 ad4 ad5 ad6 ad7 ad8Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!” “It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!” “Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a weinie!”

MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED: G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions… Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case
Blonde Logic January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…”duh”…bottles won’t fit in typewriter! March – Got excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…box said “2-4 years!” April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets! June – Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms! August – Got locked out of car in rain storm…car swamped, because top was down. September – The capital of California is “C”…isn’t it? October – Hate M & M’s…they are so hard to peel. November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! December – Couldn’t call 911…”duh”…there’s no “eleven” button on the phone! What a year!
A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. “Please state the nature of your emergency,” says the operator. “Help! My house is on fire!” the blonde replies. “Okay, where do you live?” “In a house you silly billy!” the blonde replies. “No,no! How do we get there?” the operator asks frustratedly. “Duh! Big Red Truck!!”
A boss tells a blonde applicant, “I’ll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I’ll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?” “In three months.”

Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back

Afternoon Funny

Valentines Day in the Animal Kingdom

Valentines Day in the Animal Kingdom

funny 2funny 3funny 4funny 5funny 6funny 7funny 9funny 9funny8funny 11Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What’s an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Joke of the Day

Turkey 10turkey 9

Turkey Day: 'I wanna leg!' 'I want dressing!' 'I want the light meat!'

Turkey Day: ‘I wanna leg!’ ‘I want dressing!’ ‘I want the light meat!’

Turkey 7turkey 6turkey 5Turkey 4turkey 3turkey 2turkey

 

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

 

  • The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin
  • The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.  H.U. Westermayer
  • There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as if everything is. Albert Einstein
  • You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception. Victor Kiam
  • I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.  Ashleigh Brilliant
  • There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjaminn Franklin
  • Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick
Gallery

E vening Chuckle

Afternoon Funny

Mike the Headless Chicken (Rooster)

May 11 – FRUITA – While most communities observe Colorado Heritage Week with events dedicated to pioneers, the town of Fruita has decided to celebrate with something that only the Western Slope town can crow about. Rupert PumpkinMike the Headless Chicken Day on Sunday will honor a 1940s rooster who for 4 1/2 years strutted around, fattened up on grain and preened for hens – all without a head.

Mike lost his head in 1945 when a Fruita farmer, anticipating a chicken dinner, lopped off the head of a young Wyandotte rooster. Instead of croaking and getting sent to the cooking pot, Mike the rooster wobbled away from the chopping block and resumed his temporarily interrupted barnyard activities with the rest of the heads-on chickens.

His headless life garnered him spreads in Life and Time magazines and a listing in the Guinness Book of Records. He had his own manager and toured the country in sideshows with a two-headed calf. He was studied by scientists, who determined an intact brain stem was keeping Mike going.

Mike’s fame faded out after he finally died from choking on a corn kernel, but now headless Mike is in for a revival of sorts.

Mike the Headless Chicken Day will feature a 5K Run Like a Headless Chicken race, egg tosses, chicken jokes, a chicken lunch and chicken bingo, in which numbers are chosen by where chicken droppings fall on a numbered grid. There will also be music, microbrew competitions and historic tours of the town.

“To celebrate our history in Fruita, we wanted to have something light-hearted,” said Sally Edington, executive director of the Fruita Chamber of Commerce. “We wanted to celebrate this little guy because he was very determined to live. We like that.”

According to old accounts in the Fruita Times newspaper, Mike’s determination first showed itself Sept. 10, 1945, when farmer L.A. Olsen tried to please his mother-in-law while he was slaughtering dinner. Her favorite fried-chicken piece was the neck, so Olsen carefully placed his ax to leave as much neck as possible on Mike’s body.

Chickens have been known to flutter around for seconds or minutes after being decapitated, but after a few shaky steps, Mike fluffed up his feathers and went about his business in the barnyard with the other, heads on chickens. He went through the motions of pecking for food, preening his feathers and tucking what used to be his head under his wing when he slept. He tried to crow, but only a gurgle came out.

When he was still alive the following morning, Olsen decided he might be more valuable as an oddity than a dinner and started dropping grain and water into his gullet opening with an eyedropper.

When Mike was still alive a week later, Olsen packed him up and took him to Salt Lake City so incredulous University of Utah scientists could study him. From that time on, Olsen and a manager he hired were the ones running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They took Mike and Mike’s head, which Olsen had preserved in alcohol, to Los Angeles, San Diego, Atlantic City and New York City. They set up photo shoots with magazines and newspapers and kibitzed with scientists across the country.

Olsen also dealt with predecessors of animal-rights activists, who blasted him for leaving a chicken alive in such a state. They begged him to finish the hatchet job on the Mike. But Fruita old-timers remember that Mike grew and thrived and didn’t seem much bothered by being minus a head. Gayle Meyer, who interviewed Olsen in the 1980s before he died, said he described Mike as “a robust chicken – a fine specimen of a chicken except for not having a head.” Copyright 1999 The Denver Post.

Morning Chuckles

'He's having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.' ‘He’s having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.’
'Ships plumber reporting for duty.' ‘Ships plumber reporting for duty.’
'If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.' ‘If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.’

CAPTAIN SMITHERS
 In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”

Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”

No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

Evening Chuckle

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageStopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.

~~~~~

Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

~~~~~

Seen on a T-Shirt:
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
~~~~~
The Old Man and The Beaver

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”
That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”
“Exactly”, said the doctor.

~~~~~

Mumba Snake

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was “all torn up.” “What happened?” he asked.
“Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck.”
“Go on,” the friend said.
“Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward … just as the procedure goes.”
“So why are you so beaten up?” the friend asked.
“Did you ever *goose* a tiger?”

~~~~~

Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:

5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with “Barney” camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, “Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet.”
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, “Run, Bambi, RUN!”

~~~~~

Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.t

~~~~~

Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

~~~~~

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

~~~~~

~~~~~

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

~~~~~

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said – ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

~~~~~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.

Afternoon Funny

Law-Legal-Lawyer-Cartoon-052

'The important thing is not whether you did it... but whether you have enough money to prove you didn't.'

lawXmas-cart-2 lawyer-cat A divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”. But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.” The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”. St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”. The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”. St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

 

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.” The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!” The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.