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Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
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humor
Joke of the Day
Welcome to Jamaica
There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said, “Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.”
John couldn’t back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done.
As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.
Suddenly, a big Jamaican gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed. So John said “Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too.”
The guy looked confused and said, “What makes you think that?” John replied “Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo — so you don’t have a girlfriend named Wendy?”
The guy laughed and responded, “No mon, that tattoo says, “Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.”
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AT THE TATTOO PARLOR
“Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE.”
“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
“There are 2 Os in Bob, right?”
“I’d like you to meet my father-in-law, he’s a laser removal specialist.”
“Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy.”
“Just let me toss back another shot and we’ll get started.”
“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie.”
“Don’t worry, this is a one of a kind tattoo. Your clover has five leaves, not four.”
“Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”
“If you don’t like it, don’t panic. I do bitchin’ cover-ups.”
“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”
“I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”
“The flag’s all done and you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”
“Oops….”
“Latex gloves are for sissies.”
“Do you mind paying me up front? People stiff me if I don’t get the money before I do the job”
“I haven’t learned drawing a Grim Reaper yet, so I did a naked chick hugging Mickey instead.”
Evening Chuckle
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes a nd say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him “Hey-come over hear buddy”. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks”Were you talking to me”? The horse replies”Sure was, man I’ve got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I’m sick of it. Why don’t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I’ll make you some money cause I can still run.” The jogger thought to himself,”boy a talking horse” Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer”Hey man I’ll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you’ve got in the field”. The farmer replies”Son you can’t believe anything that horse says-He’s never even been to Kentucky.
Bad, Bad Monday
I think my youngest sister once had the worst Monday ever. She’d spent the night with me. When she was getting ready to go to work, she realized she’d forgotten her slip and absolutely had to have one since her dress was sheer. I dug mine out and we pinned it up for her. I made her a nice lunch. As she went out the front door in the rain, she realized she’d left her lunch behind. She whirled to come back in, tearing her stockings on the screen. After, I found her another pair, she grabbed her lunch and headed out again, late by now, hanging her heel on the threshold, breaking it off. Of course, she fell down the steps, hitting her head, skinning her knees, tearing her dress, and destroying a second pair of stockings. She just came back in crying, called in to work, and spent the rest of the day in bed nursing a headache.
Don’t Bother Reaching for Your Umbrella, It’s Probably Broken!
Top pic: Me and the kids in baby’s first days. Notice how I don’t appear to know how to manage. A picture is worth a thousand words.
Bottom Pic: Children about six months later
The baby was tiny. I hadn’t seen anything but tonsils, poop, and Sesame Street in three weeks. My three-year-old-jabbered non-stop. My ears were sore. Naturally, with the clear-thinking of a woman with near terminal post-partum depression, I took full responsibility everything that went wrong. I don’t know if my husband was a good father or not, since he Continue reading
Joke of the Day
Monday: Missed the snooze ??” hit the ooze button.
‘That’s the wrong one. Hope you kept the receipt.’
THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY AT WORK
- I see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
- I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
- I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
- I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
- Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
- It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started! out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Quotes of the Day
‘Nope, there isn’t any more to life. Hunt…gather…that’s pretty much it.’
‘Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates’ wisdom doesn’t include a fashion sense.’
‘Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.’
Quotes to Live By
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight,
it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain
These quotes capture the subtle and ironic nature of life. These are not slapstick funny quotes, but truly wise quotes to live by that convey their important messages indirectly through the use of humor. Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, among others, were masters of using humor to make important points.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain
Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
– Robert Heinlein
It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
– Mark Twain
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
– Oscar Wilde
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
– Dalai Lama
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde
It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
– Epictetus
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
– Albert Einstein
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
– James Dewar
Evening Chuckle/Texas Chili Cookoff
‘Chili again?’
Texas Chili Contest
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…
Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic
>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.
Afternoon Funny
Nutsrok 