Fancy Dan, the Coffee Man

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We splurged and bought a Fancy Dan coffee maker in 1987.  It was heavenly staggering into the kitchen to find a carafe of freshly made coffee waiting at five in the morning.  True love!  We enjoyed it precisely one month before we got a recall notice and a gift certificate for a replacement to use while we waited for the fine new Fancy Dan.  It seems the original was setting houses on fire.

We went into mourning and trashed Fancy Dan, picking up his replacement, a very plain model.  About a year later, our new Fancy Dan arrived.  Dan had our steaming coffee waiting when we awoke.  All we had to do was “sasser and blow it.”  It saved our marriage.  Alas, a mere six joyful months later we received word that this model was also likely to be an arsonist.  Out came the plain old replacement model till we made it to the store with our gift certificate for a new pot.

Since1987, that faithful coffee-maker has one back on the shelf six times, only to be called back into service when the fancy new one failed.  Less than a month ago, we were once again seduced by a coffee-maker with lots of great features.  It had a water filter, reuseable basket instead of filters, several cup size settings, and a beeper to let us know when coffee was brewed.  Of course, it would have our coffee ready when we got up, which by now, we had no intention of using, having no wish to roast in our bed.

We hurried home and moved Old Faithful back to the shelf.  We couldn’t wait for the first pot.  As soon as we hit the brew button, water poured all over the counter.  We reseated the pot and tried again.  We were rewarded with a second gusher.

Old Faithful went right back to work.  When I’m gone, my kids can draw straws to see who gets Old Faithful.  The loser gets the family fortune.

Afternoon Funny/Top 10 Reasons Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

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1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say.
Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face.
Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will
make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows and tries to comfort you when you’re sad. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you.
Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.

8. Dogs will happily come when you call and be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play
with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like
they’re in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out.

Joke of the day

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Rattlesnakes, Bullfrogs, and Saran Wrap

imageBud really took offense with Bubba, his college suitemate just because Bubba was trying to pick up a little easy money.  It seems Bubba’s biology professor paid five dollars apiece for snakes.  One Sunday evening, Bubba came back from a trip home and tossed a burlap bed under his bunk and went on his merry way.  After a while, his roommate heard rattling, investigated, and found a sack full of rattlesnakes.  Bubba was rounded up and he and his snakes were evicted.

The roommate and the suitemates felt a little payback was in order.  The next night, they rounded up a bullfrog and left it in a bag under his bunk.  As soon as the lights went out, the frog started croaking.  In case that wasn’t enough, one of them stretched Saran Wrap tightly across the toilet so Bubba got a shower when he went to pee.

It got ugly after that!

Great Marriage Quotes

  1. “A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyment of sense and reason – and indeed all the sweets of life.” ~ Joseph Addison
  2. “A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.” ~ anonymous
  3. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” ~ Toni Sciarra Poynter
  4. “Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.” ~ Anonymous
  5. “We don’t love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.” ~ Jacques Maritain
  6. “Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.” – Samuel Johnson
    “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin
  7. “The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.” ~Peter De Vriesimage image image image
  8. “To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breadth – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.” ~Marnie Reed Crowell
  9. “A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.” ~ Ingrid Bergman
  10. “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.” ~Simone Signoret
  11. “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” ~ Anne Taylor Fleming
  12. “Woke up in bed with a gorgeous woman, who I’m going to have lunch and the rest of my life with.” ~ Jason Barmer
  13. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein
  14. “One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.” ~ Judith Viorst
  15. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson, Solitaire & Double Solitaire
  16. “In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy. The truth is precisely the opposite: it begins all.” ~ Anne Sophie Swetchine
  17. “A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.” ~ Paul Sweeney
  18. “Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage.” ~ Finnish Proverb
  19. “A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.” ~ James H. Boren
  20. “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” ~ Mark Twain
  21. “Our wedding was many years ago. The celebration continues to this day.” ~ Gene Perret
  22. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” ~ Andre Maurois
  23. “There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” ~ Martin Luther
  24. “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.” ~ Robert Fulghugm

Afternoon Funny

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they’d never clean anything.
~ Dave Barry  

A clean house is the sign of a boring person.
 
 
I don’t hate men, I just wish they’d try harder. They all want to be heroes and all we want is for them to stay at home and help with the housework and the kids. That’s not the kind of heroism they enjoy.
~ Jeanette Winterson One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
~ A.A. Milne
 

 

 
Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.
~ Mario Buatta
You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
~ Cecil Baxter
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
~ Erma Bombeck
 
 
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
 
Earth’s surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.
~ Chuck Clark
 
 
 
 
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not a piece of advice, it is merely a custom.
~ Mark Twain

 
At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.
~ Rose Macaulay
 
 

Joke of the Day

Afternoon Funny

10 Heinous (and Hilarious) Reasons People Were Fired

Most folks who get fired do so for mundane reasons—theft, tardiness, or just plain not doing their jobs well. The employees in the list below do not fall into that category. Rather, their hilariously ill-advised or awful actions on the job left no doubt that these employees had been fired for reasons well outside of the norm.

10. Cheering Under the Influence

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While Stanford University has had no official mascot since dropping the Indian in 1972, “The Tree,” which represents El Palo Alto, the Redwood tree that serves as Palo Alto’s logo, has been personified by a member of Stanford’ marching band as an unofficial school mascot. The Tree appears at Stanford sporting events and schoolwide gatherings, engaging and entertaining the crowd. The selection process for “The Tree” is a surprisingly extensive annual event known as Tree Week, during which student members of the marching band seeking to become The Tree (known as “Saplings”) vie to outdo each other in various competitions and stunts.

However, 2006’s Tree, Erin Lashnits, was axed from her job after being caught drinking from an apparently poorly-concealed flask nestled inside her costume during a Stanford-Cal basketball game. The band, whose spokesman noted that, “the tree’s movement is usually consistent with that of someone who’s had something to drink,” nonetheless relieved Lashnits of duty in light of her blood alcohol level of .15, which violated a three year alcohol ban school administrators had imposed on band activities after a 2003 incident.

9. Biting a Dunkin’ Donuts worker

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While use of force by the police is a topic fraught with controversy, with complaints from suspects and the public reporting excessive force generally requiring a lengthy evaluation process, one officer’s excessive brutality in dealing with a member of the public quickly earned him a pink slip.

Renzo, a 4-year old Belgian Malinois and police K9 officer with the Coconut Creek, Florida police department, was removed from the force after biting a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in the calf in February, 2015. During the incident, Renzo escaped his handler’s grasp and jumped out of a police car. The doughnut shop worker heard the handler’s shouts and was able to get most of the way into his own vehicle, but Renzo was able to bite him four times on the leg before being pried off by his handler.

This wasn’t Renzo’s first biting-related offense; he had also bitten a human police officer while tracking a home invasion suspect in November of 2014. Apparently for the police department, though, the attack on the Dunkin’ Donuts worker was the last straw. Make your own jokes about police and donuts. Renzo was stripped of his badge, retired from the force and now lives a civilian life with his handler.

8. Singing a Bob Marley Song, Fighting Demons

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52-year old Brooklyn resident Nicole Phillips found out the hard way that her rendition of Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff,” was not appreciated by her supervisor at a call center for New York City’s Financial Information Services Agency. The agency noted Phillips’ “threatening manner” toward the deputy director and cited her “loudly singing lyrics to herself about ‘shooting the deputy,’” as part of the reason they believed that she posed a threat to coworkers, leading to her dismissal. The agency also noted that Phillips had scattered salt around her desk to “keep the demons” down.

Phillips, who sued for back pay and the reinstatement of her $73,248-per-year, maintains that she did nothing to warrant firing, saying the salting of her desk area was misunderstood and that she’s a Bob Marley fan, not a danger to her colleagues. She also pointed out that the song’s lyrics are, “I did not shoot the deputy.”

7. Using the Office Copier…to Make Counterfeit Currency

There were a lot of problems with middle school janitor Terry Chapman’s failed currency fraud scheme. For starters, the amateurish counterfeit currency he produced was made by gluing together color copies of each side of a bill. Chapman then allowed his car to be repossessed, with several fake bills inside, which were promptly turned over to local authorities. Sealing his fate, Chapman then accused a local business owner of paying him with his own phony currency. The concerned business owner contacted the police, who were able to match the serial numbers on the phony bill to the ones found in Chapman’s repossessed car.

Chapman, who was arrested on charges of criminal simulation and confessed to his actions, also made one more mistake: he used his employer’s copier to make his funny money. Chapman, who had worked at Lafollette Middle School as a janitor for four years prior to his arrest, reported that he used the school copier to make his extra cash. Chapman was promptly fired by the Campbell County school district after his admission, suggesting that neither “school janitor” nor “criminal mastermind” are careers that are in his future.

6. Getting That Twix at Any Cost

It’s easy to understand warehouse worker Robert McKevitt’s frustration. During a break halfway through his shift, McKevitt decided he wanted some candy and put a dollar in the vending machine to get a Twix. Unfortunately for McKevitt, the Twix got caught on the machine’s spirals and refused to descend, even after McKevitt put in a second dollar. McKevitt banged the side of the machine and tried to rock it to get the candy he had paid for (twice), but to no avail. It’s what McKevitt did next that separates him from a lot of other frustrated would-be snackers and got him fired.

In a move that feels like it came straight out of the George Costanza playbook, rather than kicking the vending machine and walking away, McKevitt allegedly got an 8,000 pound forklift and drove up to the vending machine, lifting it off the floor and dropping it at least six times, eventually freeing three candy bars from the machine. McKevitt’s supervisor refused to accept his explanation that he was just trying to get the candy he had paid for (McKevitt claims that he didn’t drop the vending machine but was merely moving it back against the wall since he had jostled it while freeing his candy), and McKevitt was fired days after the Twix incident and denied unemployment benefits. McKevitt apparently takes some comfort that his Twix-induced rage has had some lasting impact, noting, “They fired me, and now I hear they have all new vending machines there.”

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5. Stomping on the American flag

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Illinois high school English teacher Jordan Parmenter inadvertently taught himself a lesson while trying to make a point to his students about free speech. The then-26-year old teacher initially used the small American flag in the classroom as pointer while trying to draw students’ attention to a chart. After a student called him out for being disrespectful, Parmenter then dropped the flag on the ground and stepped on it, apparently to demonstrate free speech to his 11th grade students.

Parmenter seemed to realize his lesson had offended more than educated and apologized to the class and, subsequently, to the school board in a letter. Parmenter’s written apology read, in part, “I made a spur of the moment decision which I know was a terrible error in judgment. I believe that ideas such as the nature of symbolism and freedom of expression are valuable topics to discuss in the classroom and that surprise can be a useful tool to use when engaging students, however in this instance I chose a very poor way of addressing this subject.” Unfortunately for Mr. Parmenter, he learned that stepping on the flag as a means of instruction was a bad idea too late to save his job. After being placed on leave, he was fired by the Martinsville school board in a 6-0 decision.

4. Stuffing Students in the Trunk for a Snack Run

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Heather Cagle, a 10-year veteran teacher in Oklahoma’s Catoosa County public school district wanted to do “something sweet” for her middle school yearbook students. Unfortunately for Cagle, she expressed this nice impulse by piling 11 students into her Honda Accord for a snack run. During the clown car-style journey to Walmart, which was approximately a mile from the school, two students split the front seat, seven formed a “something sweet” for her middle school yearbook students. Unfortunately for Cagle, she expressed this nice impulse by piling 11 students into her Honda Accord for a snack run. During the clown car-style journey to Walmart, which was approximately a mile from the school, two students split the front seat, seven formed a human pyramid in the back, and two more students were stuffed in the trunk. Parking lot footage shows that accomplishing this human Jenga only took the students about 5 minutes. An additional two students, who were out of the classroom at the time the group of 12 departed, were left at the school. The trip came to light after one of the students recounted the trip to her grandmother, who filed a police report.

While fitting 12 people into a Honda is fairly impressive, the Catoosa County school board was more concerned with the poor judgment Cagle showed in deciding to cram her students in the car. It voted 4-1 to terminate Cagle, citing student safety and the fact that she had not obtained parent permission for an off-campus excursion.

3. Peeing in an elevator

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After repeated complaints about a urine stench in the elevator, parking garage managers in downtown Orlando installed video cameras to catch the culprit. When they reviewed the tapes, however, they didn’t see the homeless people they suspected were using the elevator as a bathroom. Instead, they witnessed Orange County sheriff’s deputy Carl Brown, easily identifiable in his official uniform, urinating in the corner of the elevator as soon as the doors closed. Shortly after, Deputy Brown realized he may have been captured on tape and tried to move the camera.

After the sheriff’s office investigated, Brown admitted to urinating in the elevator an estimated five times, claiming a medical condition made it impossible to wait to relieve himself. Regardless of the explanation, sheriff’s office internal investigators found this “unbecoming conduct” sufficient reason to fire Deputy Brown.

2. Photographing an X-Ray of Failed Sexcapades

Photographing an X-Ray of Failed Sexcapades

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Working in the ER gives employees some stories that are too ridiculous not to share. Two nurses at Mercy Walworth Medical Center in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, encountered just such a tale when a patient was admitted to the emergency room with an object, which would turn out to be a sex toy, lodged in his rectum.

Unfortunately, for the nurses, they didn’t stop at merely repeating the story for the amusement of family and friends. Instead, they allegedly photographed the patient’s x-rays (or should we say “SEX-rays?), which clearly showed the embedded sex toy, using their cell phones, with one nurse accused of posting the photo to her Facebook page. The nurse later noted that she was careful to ensure that the patient’s name was not included in the photo. Nonetheless, an anonymous concerned hospital employee reported the women’s conduct to the police department, which determined that no state laws had been violated and referred the case to the FBI for additional investigation. The nurses’ employer was not amused, firing the two women for violating policy by “inappropriately disclosing protected patient information and other confidential records.”

1. Letting a Playboy Model “Earn Her Wings”

Letting a Playboy Model “Earn Her Wings”

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Pilots of large passenger planes are generally extremely seasoned, having built their skills through extensive flight school training, hundreds of hours of practice flights, and often, military flight experience. However, Victoria Xipolitakis, a minor celebrity known for her appearances in the Greek version of Playboy and the Argentine version of Big Brother, didn’t need any of those qualifications when invited into the cockpit of a small jetliner and given control of the plane’s throttle on takeoff. “You sure?”, Xipolitakis asks the pilots before they turn over the controls of the plane, which had 36 passengers on board at the time. This scary sequence of events was captured in a series of selfies and videos that were recorded during the course of the flight.

Not surprisingly, when the men’s employer, Austral Líneas Aéreas (parent company Aerolineas Argentinas), found out about their employees’ new Playmate “co-pilot,” the two pilots, Patricio Zocchi Molina and Federico Matias Soaje, were immediately dismissed and Xipolitakis was banned from the airline for five years. In a statement, the airline also indicated a desire to bring criminal charges against the trio for “putting the flight’s safety at risk.”

Joke of the Day

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Lone Ranger

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A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Two kids talking:

Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”

A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife he needs to apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”

The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”