An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
Cow said “I’m a cow”.
Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
A redhead, a brunett, and a blond stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunett got to the 900th step and laughed. The blond got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t say a joke.”
The blond says: “I just got the first one.”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks, “What did you do?”
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Woman, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest, “What did you do?”
Man, “I committed adultery.”
Priest, “How many times?”
Man, “Three times.”
Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi, “What did you do?”
Woman, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi, “How many times?”
Woman, “Once.”
Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
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After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Nutsrok 
