humor

Ask Auntie Linda, October 9, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My son recently married a woman from a third world country.  He went through a website, went to meet her, and married her as soon as he could.  This has been quite a shock to his father and me since we knew nothing about it until he introduced her to us as his wife.  It has been a very hard adjustment for her, since she barely speaks English. We have tried to make her welcome but she clearly is uncomfortable since she hardly knows us, but I am sure we will work it all out in time.  She and my son attend services with ties to her country of origin. They are expecting their first child.  She adheres to her cultural practices and wants to deliver at home, with a friend/midwife.  My son, my husband, and I are all very concerned about the safety of a home-delivery with proper medical backup, but in this, she is adamant.  What do we do?  Hopeful Grandma

Dear Hopeful, This is concerning.  Maybe you should check out midwife/home birthing/birthing center options in your community.  There should be a way she could deliver with her midwife/friend involved as well.  I understand your concerns, but this is something she and your son will have to work out together.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I feel so guilty.  I gave birth six months ago but don’t love my new baby.  He is my second and a much-wanted, beautiful baby.  I loved my daughter from the day she was born.  I do all the right things taking care of him, but only pick up feed, change, and care for him.  I don’t feel any bond with him, just care for him out of duty.  Fortunately, he is a good baby and hardly ever cries.  If someone came by and offered to take care of him, I’d be glad to accept, except for my shame.  My husband has noticed and bends over backwards to take up the slack, with him and our daughter.  On one hand, I am grateful, but on the other, I am jealous that he only has time for the baby, now.  Every time I look at him, I feel like my life is over.  I wish I could sleep till I am fifty and the kids are grown.  What is wrong with me?  Horrible Mother

Dear Mother,  It sounds likely you are suffering from post-natal depression.  Call your doctor for an appointment, TODAY!  Discuss this with your husband.  There is help for this.  No two pregnancies are the same.  Just because you didn’t have it last time doesn’t mean you aren’t affected now.  Get help!  Auntie Linda

Afternoon Funny

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

If life gives you melons then you’re probably dyslexic!

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay?
He’s still in daniel!

Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He walked into a bra?

Have you heard about a guy who used to have dyslexia?
He now has dailysex instead!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald’s?
She said: “You can have one if you can spell it.”
The boy replied: “Fine, I’ll have a KFC!”

Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car.
One turned to the other and said, “Can you smell petrol?”
The other replied, “Don’t be a moron, I can’t even smell my own name!”

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank.
He screamed: “Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up!”
What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association

Have you heard of the cow who attained spirtual enlightenment?
She was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic, he suffers from insomnia because he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Laundry in the 1950’s Part 2

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clothes line 2Once all that mountain of wash was done, the heavy, wet wash had to be lugged out to the clothes line, no small feat.  Mother had three lines stretched between T-shaped supports.  Shaking each piece to get in basic in shape after its trip through the wringer, the towels and diapers gave a nice, sharp pop!  She propped the heavy lines up with clothes line poles so the wash could dance in the breeze.  Woe be it to the foolish kid who’d run off with her clothes lines poles.  I’ve been known to do it!

She usually sent us out several times to check to see if the laundry was dry.  There is no smell fresher than line-dried laundry.  I just loved sliding into bed between sheets fresh off the line.  The mountain of laundry was likely to be piled on a bed till it could be folded.

Starched clothes came off the line still slightly damp, if she caught them at just the right time.  Rolled into tight balls and stuffed into a pillow case, they’d be stuffed into the freezer till ironed.  If they got completely dry, she’d have to sprinkle them before stuffing them in the pillowcase, by dipping her hand in water and flipping droplets on the clothes.  One Christmas, I gave her a sprinkler cap that fit in a coke bottle.  She said it was the most useful gift she ever got, making her sprinkling so much easier.

When Mother had to wash in rainy or wet weather, laundry was hung lines on the back porch, and on chair backs.  Once in a while, after a string of rainy day, she’d get desperate and have to take laundry to the Washateria to dry, but that was a huge hassle and unnecessary expense, not to mention, we only had one car.  That meant she had to take Daddy to work and pick him up, not a small undertaking with small children in tow.

As soon as we were old enough, we were pressed into service on clothes line duty and folding and putting away the laundry that didn’t have to be ironed.  Naturally, I thought that was awful, having to do “Mother’s work.”  I did have enough sense to keep my opinions to myself after a couple of complaints, though.

Mother kept an eye out for sudden rain, flying to the line to get her laundry.  If it wasn’t quite dry, it went on the back porch to finish.  Laundry had to be in as early as possible, for fear of sudden showers.  God forbid, from time to time, birds left a surprise on the drying clothes.

At the end of this relaxing day, Mother usually set us down to a slow-simmered supper(not dinner) of beans or soup and cornbread since she’d been working on laundry all day.

It was the life!

Joke of the Day

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The Priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

The Rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The Priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The Rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.”

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why, officer?”

“Well, your breast is hanging out.”

She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”

An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black ‘A’ under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said “No.”

“Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”

“No.”

“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

“No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!”

Evening chuckle

Big Mouth

I tried very hard to teach my kids to be sensitive, but it was a challenge.  When my little one was about three, I was stopped in a store by a friend for a few words.  The lovely lady was quite portly.  I knew my little one was dying to remark upon the unfortunate lady’s girth, so I shushed her and hurried to get away before her mouth went off.  As soon as we turned to walk away, she announced, “I sure was nice not to call her a big, old fat lady, wasn’t I?”

Afternoon Funny

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Joke of the Day

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47.” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.

2 girls meet:

– me & my husband are no longer together…
– why?
– well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
– no, of course I couldn’t!
– well he couldn’t either!

While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
“See those mountains over there” and he pointed to them.’
I replied, “Yes.”
“Well,” he replied, “.. if you can’t see those mountains, that means it’s raining. If you can see them, that means it’s going to rain.”

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Evening Chuckle

Two drunks are waiting at bus stop on O’Connell Street Dublin.
Eventually, a number 13 bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the drunks leans inside and asks the bus driver:  ‘Will this bus take me to Temple Bar?’

The bus driver shakes his head and says, ‘No, I’m sorry.’

At this the other drunk lurches inside, smiles, and slurs:
‘Will it take ME?’

Mike and Jimmy were walking home from town after a night of bar-hopping.  They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Danube Road.

Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, “Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I’ll stay out here and keep a watch for the police.”

So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.

Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

“Terry! What are you doing?” Mike asked.

“I can’t find a number 47 anywhere Mike,” Jimmy replied. “The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Ohhhh,” he groaned, “How stupid can you get? It doesn’t need to be a 47 for us to get home!” He walked over to a bus. “Here, we’ll take this one,” he said. “It’s a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!”

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, ‘How can you come here’, she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, ‘and drink that awful stuff?’

‘Now!’ he cried, ‘And you always thought I was out enjoying meself!”

Texan visits Galway – Classic Irish Drinking JokeIrish Drinking

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, ‘Yes’, and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’

Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh………………. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’