Blackie and the Great Diaper Monster

My grandparents, Roscoe and Lizzie Holdaway, a few months after her stroke.  She was about 4″8″ tall.  Note the large, black purse on her left arm.

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Grandma had a stroke when she was fifty-eight.  The doctor came out to see her and said she’d never walk again.  Ignoring him, she scooted around in an old desk chair for about three months because she wasn’t about to waste money on a wheelchair she’d never use again.  After that, she put up with a cane for a few days till she was sick of it, then it was business as usual.  Ever afterwards, she was a little weak on the right side and her gait was off a little, but she didn’t let it hold her back.  She just carried her gigantic old-lady black purse on the left side to balance herself.  She crawled in every time the car started, and made every trip anyone else did, be it the hardware store, grocery store, or vacation.  Her stroke just made it a little easier for us to keep up with her.

She lived far enough away that she always stayed a couple of weeks when she visited.  Upon her arrival, she insisted on taking over the family laundry, washing, hanging out on the line, and folding.  We always had mountains of laundry with five kids, including two babies in diapers, so Mother was glad to have the help.   Always afraid the neighbors would talk about her for letting Grandma toddle back and forth with the laundry, she always sent one of us to help.  I always volunteered, since Grandma was known to hand out nickels when she was pleased.  I endeavored to make sure the other kids didn’t stumble into this gold mine.

The whole time I was growing up, we had a sequence of gentle black dogs, usually named Blackiefamily6.  I have no idea how many we may have had, but we always had one.  Numerous though they had to have been over the eighteen years I lived at home, they all merged into one in my memory.  One hot summer afternoon, as Grandma tottered back from the clothesline to the back door, the poor dog must have awakened from his nap in the shade only to see a short-legged, top-heavy voluminous load of fluffy, white diapers advancing toward him, lurching from side to side.

Terrified, he leapt up barking and lunged at the terrifying diaper monster, pushing her over backwards, the diapers landing atop her.  Mother had seen the whole thing and rushed out to rescue Grandma from the jaws of the slavering beast.  As soon as the dog heard Mother coming for him, he took off.  We were all sure Grandma was dead.  Mother tore at the pile of diapers only to find Grandma laughing so hard she couldn’t get up.  She had to get her laughing fit over before we could pull her to her feet.  She was totally unhurt, except for the indignity of wet pants.  I can’t speak to the poor dog’s shocked condition.

Afternoon Funny

Redneck Morals
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

“That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.”

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

“What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks.

“Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!”

“Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

“Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. “I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?”

The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.”

Redneck: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him a drink.
Redneck again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him another drink.
Redneck again asks for a drink as the fight is about to start.
Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?
Redneck: When you will ask for money !!!

Read the Label First!

 
Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I’d like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume –
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Evening Chuckle

Once two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. “He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.” “No” the first lady screamed “don’t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.” Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.”

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute.  I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was  discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed.

Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .”

“No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

The Dead Pony, the Warped Kid, and the World’s Most Horrible Mother

horse_puns_aglore____by_alexandrabirchmoreThe phone rang one day.  Without introduction, I heard the familiar, deep voice of one of my son’s friends.  “Miss Linda, is that story about the pony true?”

“Yep!”  The last thing I heard was gales of laughter as I hung up.

If you are the sensitive type, skip this story.

Many years ago when my son was young, we were hauling a load of tree trimmings to the landfill.  As my husband backed the truck up to unload, I spotted a dead pony, bloated with all four legs stuck up in the air.  Without thinking, I said, “Hey, John.  Do you want a pony?”

Of course he said, “Yes!”

“Well, there’s one right over there!”

“Wahhh!!!!!”

I swear it was not intentional.  Sometimes I think there is a disconnect between my brain and my mouth!

 

This is for you, Lee Perkins

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Dog Diet Helper

Funny Dog Picture

Afternoon Funny, October 6, 2015

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,

How is Gertrude doing this morning?

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think of my Grandson!”

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Joke of the Day

“And exactly what made you suspect that these two men were drunk, officer?” a Glasgow judge asked a policeman in court.
“Well, Your Honor,” said the policeman, “Jock was throwing five pound notes away and Hamish was picking them up and handing them back to him.”
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up in the morning wondering what happened to your clothes.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major cause of dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you are a good singer.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A beer in the hand is worth two in the fridge.
Drunk 1: Do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: What?
Drunk 1: I said, do lemons have wings?
Drunk 2: Of course not. Drunk 1: Oh no, I think I just squeezed a canary into my drink!
I’m not as think as you stoned I am
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. ‘What are you doing out at this time of night?’ asked the officer. ‘I’m going to a lecture,’ slurred the drunk. ‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ ‘My wife.’

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How To Impress a Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food/beer.