humor

Rules Guys wished Girls Knew

 
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad’s way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think
we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done – but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

That’s Their Problem

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Mother has three closets jammed with clothes.  Last time I counted, she had thirty-two outfits with tags.  Last Sunday when she stopped by to score a meal, she was sporting this stylish ensemble.  Since it was a tad nippy, she’d donned the purple, long-sleeved shirt I’d given her when she got caught without a sweater at my house several years ago.  As you can see, it’s extremely roomy. Paired with these charming cropped pants she’s been wearing for at least ten years, she was really styling.  For a finishing touch, she slipped into ankle-high nylons and loafers, accessorized by her pedometer, since her current obsession is walking.

I couldn’t help remarking, “Mother, you do know that’s a hideous outfit, don’t you?”

“I don’t care!  I’m old enough to wear what I want to,” was her reply.

“Okay, but you know since you’re past eighty, people may get the impression you have Alzheimer’s.” wasting some more conversation here.

“Well, that’s their problem!”

I need to find her a shirt that says, “Despite appearances to the contrary, I am not demented.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke of the Day

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up.

After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”

Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.” –

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.

Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”

The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!” –

What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

. How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.
Let me say grace!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.

Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!”


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Interesting Commentaries on Life and Death

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Selma Koch, a Manhattan store owner who earned a national reputation by helping women find the right bra size, mostly through a discerning glance and never with a tape measure, died Thursday at Mount Sinai Medical Center. She was 95 and a 34B.

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Dumb Louisiana Laws

Louisiana
• An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault”, while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”.
• Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.
• If you’ve ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you’ll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It’s against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.
• It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.
• It is illegal to gargle in public places.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
• It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.
• It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.
• It’s legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you’ve just broken the law.
• Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the “ultimate test”– in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.
• Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
• New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
• Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Joke of the Day

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

All’s Well That End’s Well or Don’t Call the Copper

Did you ever hear a story and think, “Boy, that’s so dumb that could have been my Crazy Cousin Carol’s kid?”  Well, I heard a story like that on the local news a few days ago.  It seems three enterprising young fellows were trying to steal copper wire when one  of them got an electrical shock and appeared to be dead. The other two didn’t want to be implicated in his death or the copper theft, so they loaded what they thought was his lifeless body and the copper in their truck.  After dragging him through his mama’s bedroom window, they tucked him in bed, pulled the covers up to his chin, and were intending to leave him for Mama to find  When she came in from a night out, she heard the ruckus in Junior’s  room and fired off a couple of shots at them.  Upon discovering Junior, she called EMS and the cops.  About the same time Junior got to the ER, so did his buddies with backsides full of shot.  All three recovered and were arrested, since they hadn’t bothered to unload the copper before heading for the hospital.

I was telling my brother this story when he cut me off.  “You do know who that was, don’t you?”

I had to admit I had no idea.

“That was your Cousin Carol’s boy, Jimmy.”  He didn’t bother to explain why she was my cousin and not his.  That kind of took the wind out of my sails, having him knowing more about my story than I did.

All’s well that end’s well.  More on Cousin Carol and her delightful family later.

https://nutsrok.wordpress.com-you-poor-baby

Evening Chuckle

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “You know… we have a drink named after you.” To which the grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Bob?”

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Out with my wife.” The guy says,

“What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be five bucks.” As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds “You know, we don’t get many gorillas in here.” To which the gorilla replies, “At five bucks a beer, it’s no wonder.”

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”

 “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, “What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!” “No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.”

So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?” The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please.” So they proceed to drink. Then: “…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too” And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?”

The guy replies “That’s not a lion… it’s a giraffe.”

Afternoon Funny

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants”
The pirate replies “Ay, it’s drivin’ me nuts”

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They’re both out looking for a tight seal.

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer,  and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”