humor

Office Wisdom

 


 Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Chuck Norris handle this?”

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them fired.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.

Joke of the Day

The Blonde and the Final Exam

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

The blonde replies, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking
the answers”.

Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Paddy O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist’s office.
“I want a tooth pulled, ” the man said. “We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don’t fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff.”
“You are a very brave man,” remarked the dentist. “Which tooth is it?”
“Show him your bad tooth, honey,” said the man to his wife.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says “Wasn’t that old Paddy O’Tool? The second Irishman says “I thought he was taller than that!”

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

 

A few clowns short of a circus.
 *
A few fries short of a happy meal.
 *
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
 *
All foam, no beer.
 *
The butter has slipped off his/her pancake.
 *
The cheese slid off his/her cracker.
 *
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
 *
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
 *
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 *

He/She fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 *
As smart as bait.
 *
Doesn’t have all his/her dogs on one leash.
 *
His/Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
 *
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
 *
His/Her antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
 *
His/Her belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
 *
Receiver is off the hook.
 *
Not wired to code.
 *
Skylight leaks a little.
 *
His/Her slinky’s kinked.
 *
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 *
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
 *
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
 *
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
 *
Is so dense, light bends around him/her.
 *
If brains were taxed, he’d/she’d get a rebate.
 *
Standing close to him/her, you can hear the ocean.
 *
Some folks drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled

Evening Chuckle

Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?”

“Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.

“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000?

“Uh huh” said Brian again.

“Well this month is almost over,” said the coworker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”

“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

Afternoon Funny

cannibal cartoon sThe cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!” “You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I’m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?” “From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.

A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Cannibals cooking clowns - 'I don't know... it tastes funny!'

Cannibals cooking clowns – ‘I don’t know… it tastes funny!’

 

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, ‘I don’t like your friend.’ The other one replied, ‘Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.’

'Sorry, but it's hard to get good people these days.'

Two cannibals were having lunch. ‘Your girlfriend makes a great soup,’ said one to the other. ‘Yes!’ agreed the first. ‘But, I’m going to miss her terribly.’

Joke of the Day

Heaven’s Entrance Exam

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points
to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I
give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point?!!” “I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries. “At this rate
the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”

 

Gorgeous

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says……

“Make ’em all ugly again”

The Good Deed

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED– you’re in.’

The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this
terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around
me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at
the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a
lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

How Do You Spell…?

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”

The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom. “I’d be honored,” she said, “but
what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?” St. Peter
reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word
first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”


‘

15 Dog Breeds That Didn’t Catch On

ugly dog 

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
*
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
*
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
*
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
*
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
*
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
*
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
*
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
*
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
*
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
*
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
*
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
*
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
*
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
*
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Hounds on a Picnic

imageMother had been frying chicken and making potato salad all morning in preparation for our picnic with Christine who was high-spirited and laughed all the time, making any occasion a party.  She left her chocolate cake and deviled eggs in an open box on the back seat of her car when she parked in our drive. We made several trips loading the goodies.  Christine got the car packed to her satisfaction, then decided to run her little girls back in for one last bathroom stop. Forgetting we had dogs, she left the back car door standing open, a fatal mistake.

Ecstatically, five or six hounds bounded into the backseat, snarling and falling on the the chocolate cake and fried chicken laid out so enticingly for their benefit.  Hearing the dogfight in progress, we all flew out of the house to see chocolate-covered dogs fighting tooth and nail for the remains of the feast.  Christine beat us all to the car, cursing and flogging dogs, thinking there might be something left to rescue.  Reluctant as they were, faced with a kicking, cursing wild-woman, the dogs grabbed whatever was in reach and ran for their lives.

The car was coated in chocolate and deviled egg-filling, littered with chicken scraps, and a monumental pile of dog-poop one of the dogs left as a thank you.  Mother came out to find Christine kicking at a dog hoping slip in for seconds.  She collapsed into gales of laughter at Christine’s enraged antics.  Fortunately, Christine saw the humor in the situation, too.  We cleaned up the car, went by the hamburger joint for burgers, and went on our picnic.  It was more fun than I’d even hoped.

Evening Chuckle

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?” Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.” Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!” Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks too.”
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jock Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jock said, “Sandy, I’ve only a short time to live, I’m on my death bed lad.” Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, “Aye, that a’ know old friend.” Jock turned to Sandy and said, “Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years.” Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, “Aye Jock, that I do.” Jock said, “ye are guid friend and when I’ve passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave.” Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jock. “Aye- aye Jock I’ll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first.”