A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”
humor
His Last Two Bucks
Several years ago, I dreamed of camping by a mountain stream. About 3:30 am, Bud got up to go to the bathroom, stepping into about two inches of standing water. The plumbing under the bathroom sink had sprung a leak, flooding the house, hence my dream about the babbling brook. We were both sloshing around like mad, though clearly, nothing we did was going to make a great difference right then, except for cutting off the flood and opening the doors to let the house drain. We were surveying the damage when Bud went back in the bathroom for solace and discovered the greatest loss of all, soaked toilet tissue. I can still hear his heartbroken cry. “Well, <%#>*^. ;3~#}”£! I spent my last two bucks on toilet tissue and didn’t even get to take a s___!
Brother Gobel and Lost Love
Just days after Daddy’s death, Brother Gobel, a Pentecostal preacher, paid a condolence call to Mother. A Bantam Rooster of a man, he was bow-legged, bald and not much taller than she, a stark contrast to the tall, handsome husband she was still mourning. He drank coffee, prayed with her, as ministers on visits normally do, and took his leave. Thinking no more of it, Mother was shocked to get a letter from him a few days later. Even more startling, was the fact that it included an epic poem of love telling of his devotion and hopes for their future together, followed up with a marriage proposal, and some appropriate Biblical quotations about the role of wives, remarking that he’d always admired what a dutiful wife she had been, waiting on Daddy hand and foot. Wisely, she pitched the letter in the trash. Unwisely, she told me about it. One of my great regrets in life is that she never shared that poem with me. It would have my life, and yours, so much richer.
Tale of the Hair of the Dog Sweater
Mother and Buzzy
My son John lives to torment my mother. Buzzy, our American Eskimo Dog sheds incessantly, making up vacuum every day to stay ahead of him. One day my husband Bud noticed a big paper bag on the mantle stuff full of Buzzy’s combings, hair pulled from his brush, and hair swept from the floor. Amazed, Bud asked, “What in the world is this bag of dog hair doing up here?”
Mother chimed in, “Oh, that’s Buzzy’s hair I saved up for your sweater.”
This was the first Bud had heard of his dog hair sweater. He thought maybe Mother had finally come unhinged. “What dog hair sweater?”
“The one you’re going to get the woman at work to make for you out of Buzzy’s hair.” Mother thought Bud was losing it. “John told me to be careful to gather up all the hair I could find every time I came over so that woman you work with can spin it and make it into a sweater for you. How long do you think it will take to get enough?”
Poor Bud had to break her heart. “John’s been pulling your leg, again. There ain’t gonna be no dog hair sweater.”
My son, looking his best.
Photo of hair I brushed out of Buzzy this morning, pictured next to pint jar.
Fifteen Foolproof Rules for Buying Man Gifts
Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks, ties, or bathrobes. “If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented underwear.”
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Bass Pro Shop, Harbor Freight, Home Depot, Lowes, RV Centers, and Tractor Supply Company. NAPA Auto Parts and Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”
Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook but they will barbecue. Get him a monster grill with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?” If he already has a grill, definitely get him a turkey fryer. Be ready to video.
Rule #12:
Tickets to a game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manilla rope. No one knows why.
Life’s Achievements
Life’s Achievements! 
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
Revenge Joke
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
Joke of the Day
Good News Bad News
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Evening Chuckle
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.”
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.”
Again, there is a bright flash and……….both his legs fall off.
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates who greets him. “Welcome to Heaven. You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”
The cat answered, ”Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.
Saint Peter says, “Say no more.” Instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, Saint Peter decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you ? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are best.
Nutsrok 