humor

Framed!

image

I spent most of the summer away from home this year.  My friend Ann, the charming lady in the background above was my gracious host.  One morning, she asked me if I’d like to pay a visit to her favorite resale shop.   She’d found some bargains and had to go back with the cash to pay for them  It was a great sale; everything was five dollars.  In fact, earlier that day, she had gotten a pair of Gucci Loafers and the gorgeous leather bag you see me clutching above.  Jackson, her little dog was snuggled in the bag for the duration.  I should have known from the worried look on his face that Ann might be plotting to rid herself of her summer-long guest.  The store was packed.  Women were trying on clothes in the aisles.  One customer’s skirt was sold while she was busy trying on another in the aisle.  As Ann rifled the racks hoping for one last bargain, I held Jackson and her purse, moving to stand in a breeze near the front door.  The shop owner, recognizing the beautiful bag Ann had bought there just that morning, called out to warn her I was stealing her bag.  Not realizing who she was talking to, I stood there like a dope, looking around for the purse thief.  In a minute or two, Ann realized what was going on and saved me from arrest.  It’s a good thing I had Jackson concealed on my person, or she might have just let them haul me off.

Joke of the Day

Pays To Be Old

to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. 
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had 
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk 
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’ 

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of 
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure 
what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money:  
fifty-thousand dollars! 

Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’  

Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’  

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood 
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag 
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’

Sally said, ‘No.’  

Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’  

Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  

One says:  ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’  


Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’

Give Us This Day

imageColonel Sanders called the Pope up one day and said, “You’ve got to help me out.  Chicken sales are way down.  I’ll pay you $10 million to change the Lord’s Prayer  to give us this day our Daily Chicken.”

The Pope said,”I can’t do that.  We can’t just change the Lord’s Prayer!”

The Colonel let it go but was back begging a few days later, “Your imminence, please help!  I’ll donate $50 million to the church!”

“Absolutely not!” Answered the Pope.  “The Lord’s Word is not for sale!”

A month or two later the Colonel was back.” Your imminence.  Please help!  All you have to do is change the Lord’s Prayer to give us our Daily Chicken.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Can’t you help me out for a $100 Million donation to the church?

“Well,” said the Pope.” That’s too great a donation for me to turn down without speaking to my advisors.  Let me speak to them and get back to you.”

When he spoke to the Cardinals, he said, “We’ve been offered a huge donation, but it’s not all good news.  It’s going to cost us the Wonder Bread Account.”

That “Kathy Bates” Look

kathy bates in misery

Though it’s been awhile since I inflicted any mayhem upon him, my brother says it still gives him the “willies” when I get that “Kathy Bates” look.  I think he’s referring to the Annie Wilkes character she plays so winningly in the movie “Misery.”  To set the record straight, I love Kathy Bates and am delighted to be compared to her.  I find her personality sunny and delightful.  I don’t know what his problem is.   My brother and I had a few dustups as we grew up together, but goodness gracious, what children didn’t?  True, I had to set him straight from time to time, but never actually broke his legs with a sledgehammer.  We were raised in a Christian home and both knew Mother would murder us if we ever harmed each other to the point that one of us had to have stitches or a cast.  Money didn’t grow on trees.  Is there anything at all in this sweet face to suggest a “Kathy Bates” look?

First Grade School Picture

First Grade School Picture

joke of the day

Best Bar in The World
The first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”

Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”

Evening Chuckle

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,

” My Son, you have no arms!”

” No matter” replied the man.

He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked

” Bishop, who was this man?”

..wait for it…

wait for it…..

..” I don’t know his name” replied the Bishop sadly,

” But his face rings a bell.”

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, “Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother.” The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs……

“What has happened? Who is this man? ” they cried.

” I don’t know his name” exclaimed the distraught Bishop,………

wait for it…….

wait for it…….

wait for it ………

” I don’t know his name…………but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Joke of the Day

A man at the bar picked up a ringing cell phone.  “Honey, I want to put an offer on that house.  They’ve just reduced it to $600,000 and I think we can get it if we make an offer now.”

He answered. “Sure, go ahead.”

“And that Range Rover I’ve been wanting?”

“It’s yours.  Call the man!  And while you’re out, stop by the jewelry store and get yourself something really nice.  How about that bracelet you’ve been wanting?”

“Oh Honey!  You’re the best!”

He hung up the phone and turned around.  “Does anybody know whose phone this is?”

Banana Pudding Bowl Blasphemy

imageSee this innocuous-looking dish.  It doesn’t look like it could break up a marriage, but you just wait. Bud chose this dish when he and his sisters divided his mother’s belongings shortly after her death.  He brought it home, showed it to me, and told it was what she’d always made banana pudding in.  Not realizing the significance of that statement, I callously baked a chicken in it less than a week later..  He came in, was delighted to see “The Banana Pudding Bowl” sitting on the stove.  He attempted to lift the lid to admire the pudding and burned his fingers.  I never heard such howling and deprecations before or since. I came to understand that bowl was only for banana pudding

Evening Chuckle/Crow and Road Kill Study

Good crowsA recent study on crow intelligence was released recently observing crows at an intersection.  There was a distinct pattern in which they took paint samples from crows that had been run over and matched to vehicle types.  It was observed that nearly all the paint samples had come from trucks, not passenger cars.  The scientists researching the incident explained it as the crows had established look out birds so that they could alternate feeding on trash and road-kill, while the others looked for danger.  The lookouts, while able to produce vocalizations for “cawr, cawr, cawr”, found “truck, truck, truck” much more difficult.