humor

Happy Birthday! If You’re Old Enough!

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Three Quotes in Three Days

This is third of Three Quotes in Three Days my friend Brian at Vancouver Visions challenged me to.  Please check out his lovely blog.  You will love it.

laughing snakeMy Sister Phyllis is a champion blunderer.  She tries so hard to make her point that she often goes way overboard.  A friend was relating a fearsome tale of tangling with a rattlesnake ending with him finally managing to cut the snake’s head off, after nearly being bitten several times.  Phyllis was so impressed with the story, she pondered it long after the storyteller finished, finally remarking, “You really have to be careful about the rattlesnake’s head.  It’s as dangerous as the rest of it!”

None of us has ever forgotten it, using this phrase when someone states something so obvious it’s ridiculous.

Three Quotes in Three Days

This is the second day of my Three Quotes in Three Days Challenge by Brian at Vancouver Visions.  Please check out his excellent blog.  Instead of nominating specific bloggers, I encourage anyone who feels inspired to join in.

I had a cousin who was married to an eccentric fellow.  From time to time, he would go way off the mark and Cousin Sue would set about straightening him out.  When it looked as though she might be about to commit mayhem, he’d head for the hills, calling over his shoulder, “Don’t go crazy, Sue!”

Ever since then, when it looks like a family hothead is about to lose it, someone is sure to remind them, “Don’t go crazy, Sue!”

Three Quotes in Three Days

My friend Brian at his excellent blog Vancouver Visions has kindly nominated me to do the Three Quotes in Three Days Challenge.  Thank you very much, Brian.  Be sure to check his site out.  His photography is awe-inspiring.  I love the rambles and views of Vancouver he shares.  Brian has inspired me to do some good posts in the past, so I hope I don’t let him down.

My family, like most families uses certain quotes, based on our experiences that would be meaningless to outsiders without a lengthy explanation.  I think my favorite is, “Now, you have to buy the coffee.”

Many years ago my dad worked with a garrulous fellow named Slim.  Slim lied purely for the love of lying, not maliciously, for personal gain, nor to help himself.  He’d climb up on the house to tell a lie when he could stand on the ground and tell the truth.  After a while, the guys at work had a deal.  If one of them repeated a story Slim told, they bought the next round of coffee.  One day Slim came rushing by in a big hurry and one of them called out, “Hey, Slim, stop and tell us a lie.”

Without stopping, Slim rushed by them, calling over his shoulder, “I can’t.  Joe Marsh fell in stack four and I’m on the way to call an ambulance!”

They all dropped what they were doing to rush over to Stack Four to see if they could help.  When they get there, all was quiet.  Slim had pulled one on the whole group.

From that time forward, when one of us sites a suspicious source or repeats something that sounds suspect, we warn them they might have to “buy the coffee.”

i challenge any who wants to to accept the three quotes in three days challenge.

Terrible Names

 

People With Unfortunate Names:

 

Pssh, and you thought celebrity baby names were bad. Pilot Inspektor and North West have got nothing on the following unfortunate names that some people have.

There’s one sure thing: If you ever want your child to hate you forever and always be laughed at their whole life, naming them something like “Moe Lester” and “Chris P. Bacon” is a sure way to go about it – although, “Chris P. Bacon” is a pretty badass name to be fair.

Here’s a twist though: Maybe some of the following people legally changed their names themselves? Because who wouldn’t want to change their name to “Willie Stroker” or “General Arse Biscuites?” “General Arse Biscuites,” oh god! that’s got to be the best/unfortunate name ever!

10. Moe Lester

unlucky_name_1

9. General Arse Biscuites

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8. Dr. Whet Faartz

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7. Chris P. Bacon

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6. Steve Sharts

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5. Kash Register

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4. Batman Bin Suparman

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3. Phat Ho

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2. Willie Stroker

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1. Heath Cockburn

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These people’s names maybe unlucky and unfortunate, but come on, there’s some perks we guess to names like this. Why wouldn’t a school want to hire “Moe Lester” and which female wouldn’t want to go out with “Willie Stroker?” Also, which retail chain wouldn’t want to employ “Kash Register”. Jokes a side, we totally need to befriend “Chris P. Bacon”. That guy is just winning at life!

Found these on the internet but I did one know a fellow named Harry Boute’ (Pronounced Bootay)  Now what woman wouldn’t want to be Mrs. Harry Boute?

I can’t even discuss my friend, Anita who married Mr. Ray Dick, who had flaming red hair.  Yep, you guessed it, his nickname was Red.  It got even worse.  When they had a red-headed son, they called them Big Red and Little Red.  Now that’s just cruel.  I hope Little Red was tough.

I knew a lady named Armadillo Christian.  Sometimes, I think people just don’t want their kids to hang around.

Feisty Granny!

Super Granny

   Wouldn’t you love to be this feisty
 

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! 

 

Get out of the car you scumbags!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)

Babies and More Babies

I Connie and Marilyn's Toddler Pictures

I was I was eight years old when my whole world changed.  Mother had a baby.  Never having been much interested in babies, this one seemed like a waste of time.  Life was far better before the baby.  Mother was nicer; not constantly carping about being tired.  She’d also gotten incredibly lazy, now expecting me to fold towels, dust, and clear my own dishes from the table.  I hadn’t minded the first time or two, especially when she thanked me so effusively, but when it became obvious she expected it to be a regular thing, I was disgusted.

Not only that, Mother went on and on about how much things cost now.  It made no sense that before the baby, there had always been plenty of money for cowboy boots, the ice cream man, and trips to Grandma’s.  Now we were poor.  She got her stupid baby and now I got nothing.

Eventually, Connie started playing and I loved her  Before too long, Mother got the pathetic mopes again.  She got lazier than ever, sat around with her feet up or took to her bed for hours at a time, sometimes even crying a little.  In desperation, Daddy even hired a lady to help out.  I loved Miss Annie, but she seemed a lot more interested in Connie than me.  Mother did nothing but lie around and play with Connie, till she she started sewing.  She bragged to her friend one day that she’d hand-made and embroidered eight baby dresses.  My jealousy alarm went off.

Kids”

“Mother, make something for me.”  I had no use for dainty embroidered dresses, but surely she could come up with something!

“You’re too bigI can’t handmake anything for you.”

I made a point to be crushed, devastated by her selfishness, going out to pout as long as I could manage it.  Fortunately, I had a short attention span and soon got lost in play. The next day, Mother had Marilyn.  By this time, I knew babies quickly got cute, so I loved her from the start.

..

Church Bulletin Bloopers

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Rolling on the floor laughing

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall – Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

8. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: ” Break Forth Into Joy.”

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

“I Upped My Pledge ! – Up Yours!”



 


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Baby in a Basket

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My beautiful three-week-old baby started squeaking into wakefulness as I took warm diapers out of the dryer.  I took her out of her bed, cradling her in the basket of warm cotton diapers as I walked toward the front of the house to feed her.  She got comfortable in the warmth and drifted back off. My three year-old called out just at that moment.  The brilliant sunshine pouring in glass door onto my beautiful baby in the basket was a wonder to behold as I looked back.  I got him out of bed, heading back to her.  She was gone!  I panicked!  It was no surprise someone would want her, just that that had managed to snatch her without my hearing something.  The backdoor and the glass door were still locked.  I called her name and got my little guy to help me look.  Just as I was about to report her kidnapping, the diapers moved and she wailed.  She’d moved just enough to allow a diaper to cover her.  That had to be the biggest relief of my life!