humor

Ask Auntie Linda

sun hatSince I do such a stellar job and my own life is perfection itself, I have decided to make my wisdom available to the masses.  I will be happy to address your problems and straighten you out in a minute flat.  No charge, whatsoever, for example:

Dear Auntie Linda,

My mother-in-law hates me.  We have been living with her for three years since we are both in school and only work part time.  Our student loans won’t cover car notes, credit cards, and rent.  She keeps saying we could take the bus, but the people on the bus are losers.  I don’t want to look like a loser.  I think it’s selfish of her to expect us to move out when she’s got this nice, big house all to herself, anyway.  Her snide remarks are starting to get to me.  What can I say to make her like me?

Sweet Sue

Dear Sweet Sue, If you really want her to like you, say, “Thanks for all your help, Mom.  We sold both our fancy cars and got one economy car, negotiatiated for a lower rate on our credit card and cut it up.  We’re each picking up five more hours a week at work and moving into a small apartment close to campus.”  She will love you.

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,

My wife is always too tired to have sex and complains constantly about having to do all the housework and take care of the kids.  Half the time she doesn’t even get my lunch packed right.  Most of the time she’s in sweatpants when I get home.  Am I supposed to work forty hours a week and come home to this?  What do I do?

Mr. Right

Mr. Right,

Try this!  Vacuum!  Nothing is sexier than a man holding a baby and vacuuming!  And no,  you should not be able to get away with just forty hours a week.  I guarantee your wife is up before you and still does at least five more things after you say you’re going to bed.  Give some thought to making your own lunch.  She might just see the error of her ways.

Auntie Linda

Be sure to send me your problems and I’ll get you fixed right up!

Outclassed and Outsmarted

schoolGetting our kids off to school used to be a dance with the devil. The devil definitely knew all the steps. I always laid out shoes and clothes, (no substitutions allowed) lunches, backpacks packed, papers signed with everything ready to roll the night before. That created the illusion of sanity and was good for a laugh. I was up at five a.m. to get my shower, dress, and cook breakfast. The kids always wanted hot breakfast, so I was guilt-ridden to make sure they had eggs, grits, and toast. As soon as it was on the table, I woke Bud and turned to circus over to him. He was supposed to railroad them through breakfast, get the dishes to the dishwasher, make sure they brushed their teeth and hair, and got out the door with everything. About fifty percent of the time it worked as planned.

Sometimes one of them would let the dog escape, fall in a puddle on the way to the truck and have to change or remember they’d hidden the note saying the Science Fair Project was due today and start bawling. Occasionally one would throw up or discover a rash at breakfast or the bus stop. Once Bud left them at the bus stop with some other kids and they all stayed there till after nine before walking home to call and let us know the bus never ran. (so they said) Once my daughter sneaked back in and changed pants. Bud had to pick her up as soon as she got to school because she had a “stomach ache.” As soon as she got home she changed pants and was miraculously cured. He took her right back to school.

I do miss those little daily struggles.  If only my fertility could be restored and I could started all over!  Ha!

Women and Money Woes

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If You Can Hear Us……..

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Our community, like all small communities, had its well-loved ghost, Sally Macon. Like all kids, my sisters and Bud’s sisters, loved to play seance. We grew up within three miles of each other, so they spent a lot of time together. All the girls had gotten hooked on the Gothic Soap, “Dark Shadows,” featuring ghosts, vampires, and spooky seances. The girls were hidden in Connie’s dark bedroom around a flickering candle, calling to Sallie. “Aunt Sallie, if you hear us, make yourself known.” they chanted in unison. Mother saw the flickering candle light under the door and listened in long enough to realize what was up. She eased outside, scratched on Connie’s window and moaned, “Woooooo!”

Terrified they’d actually raised the dead, the four girls nearly beat each other to death tearing out of the room. In their haste, they ran over Daddy, stretched out napping in his recliner. In his panic, he started yelling, “Get out! Get out! The house in on fire.” By this time, of course Mother was back in, surveying all the excitement. The four girls eventually walked back from wherever they’d run, to find out Aunt Sally hadn’t come calling after all.

good pic of Dad

Drive On

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John was too lazy to work his farm.  His family would have starved if the neighbors hadn’t brought them something to eat.  Finally, a group of the neighboring farmers collected up and decided if John was too sorry to support his family, maybe they ought to just hang him.

They had him loaded up on a wagon to haul to the gallows when Charley felt guilty and spoke up. “We can’t just hang a man for being too sorry to work.  I’ll give him a wagon load of corn to get his family through the winter and he can make a fresh start next spring.  How about that John?”

“Is it shucked?” asked John.

“Well, no.”  said Charlie.

“Drive on.” said John.

Dumb Laws

 
 

Dumb California Laws

  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

    Arcadia

  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra

  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park

  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere

  • City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

    Blythe

  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame

  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel

  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico

  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey

  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood

  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette

  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi

  • It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

    Lompoc

  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach

  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

    Los Angeles

  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • Toads may not be licked.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.

    Ontario

  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove

  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs

  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena

  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale

  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands

  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside

  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

    San Diego

  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

    San Francisco

  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
  • Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

    San Jose

  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica

  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula

  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

 

Watson in BathtubWatson and Hime                    Watson in Pool                       Watson with Bone

These are some pictures of my grand dogs.  The sleeping giant in the bathtub is Watson, a five month old Akita.  He has to barred from the bathroom for anyone to have any hope of privacy.  In the second picture, he is with his partner in crime, Hime.(pronounced He-May)  Though he pesters her incessantly, she can’t bear to be separated from him.  You can also see Watson cooling off in his pool and relaxing with his bone.

 

http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/

Cookie and Uncle Riley (Part 1 repost)

Reblog of an old post. First of a three part series