Drunk Joke

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!” pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”

 

Reap What You Sow

st bernardThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. Continue reading

Life According to Buzzy

imageLife according to Buzzy:

Dog poop is precious.  Crazy people  run behind dogs to collect it in small blue bags.

Pizza delivery people come to steal our pizza.  The house must be defended at all costs. Continue reading

Blonde Joke

Any keyA blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

Joke of the Day

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Blonde Joke

imageThe girl came skipping in in from kindergarten one day and told her Mother.  “Mommy, we were counting today and none of the other kids could go past 4 but I counted all the way to 10.  Is that because I’m blonde?

“Yes dear.”

“Mommy, we were reciting the alphabet.  None of the other kids could go past D, but I went all the way to M.  Is that be because I’m a blonde?” Continue reading

Joke of the Day

Nursing homeBertha was worried about her husband George, so she took him in to the doctor.  Bertha was waiting outside while George was talking to the doctor.  George told the doctor, “There’s no problem.  The Lord takes care of me.  When I go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on and when I’m through, turns it off.”

Knowing now there was a problem, the doctor called Bertha in to tell her what George said.

She replied, “Dammit, George!  How many times have I told you not to piss in the fridge!”

Freedom of Expression

big mouthWe enjoyed considerable freedom of expression  when we were kids, as long as we felt like saying, “Yes, Ma’am. No Ma’am. Yes Sir, How high Sir?  May I be excused?  and God is great, God is good, Pass the beans.  Amen.”

The quickest way to get in trouble was to open my big mouth and ask questions or God Forbid, tell family business.  Telling Family Business assured swift and terrible punishment., like the time I told my Sunday School Class Phyllis was born June 20 and my parents got married June 29.  Mother was furious.  I couldn’t see any problem with that.  Both facts were true.  It mattered not at all to me that Mother wanted all the church ladies to be very clear on the fact that she’d been married nearly a full year before Phyllis came along.  Things like that really mattered back in the 1950’s.  Now folks are impressed if Mama and Daddy just get married.

Knot on Head

imageI used to moonlight at an urgent care clinic.  Mother called me at my regular RN job one day to complain of an earache.  Like I always do when people ask advice, I recommended she see a doctor. She decided to go to the urgent care clinic where I sometimes worked.  I called to speak to my friend, Judy, who was working that day.  I asked her to surprise Mother by telling her she had to have a full internal pelvic exam.  She knew Mother, and was delighted to pull a little trick on her.  Sure enough, she showed Mother to the OB/GYN exam room, telling her to prepare Continue reading