One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like Continue reading
humor
Ahhhhh!
A lot of people my age look pretty old. I’m glad I lost my mirror.
A Grave Matter
As the two tipsy ladies staggered home their night on the town, they realized they had to go, right then, and made a quick detour into the cemetery. They each ducked behind a tombstone to do their business. Of course, they had no toilet tissue. One used her panties, tossing them aside. Her friend had worn a lovely matched set and couldn’t bear to part with her undies. She just snitched a ribbon off a flower arrangement, cast it aside, and went on her way. Continue reading
Joke
A drunk staggers into the confessional in the Catholic Church. sits down and goes to sleep. The priest on the other side of the screen waits a minute knocks, waits, then knocks again.
“There ain’t no point knocking no more,” said the drunk. “there still ain’t no toilet paper”
I Want It! I Want It!
I was an acute hemodialysis nurse for thirty years, caring for thousands of patients over that time. The most important thing I learned was listen to your patient. I’d cared for Miss Ann for many years, through numerous hospitalizations, surgeries, and procedures. Prior to this admission, she’d told her husband, “I don’t ever want any more surgery.”
Unfortunately, this time she was in ICU on a ventilator and couldn’t speak for herself. She appeared to be unaware of what the doctor was explaining to her, so he asked her husband for surgical consent. Sadly, her husband refused, citing Miss Ann’s intention not to have surgery again. Meanwhile, behind the two of them, Miss Ann was frantically waving her arms trying to get their attention. She wanted surgery.
Miss Ann got her surgery, recovered, and did well for quite a while after that.
Joke of the Day
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”
Cruel Joke
Don’t read this one if you are sensitive!
The old fart went to the doctor. “I’m afraid I have bad news for you. You don’t have too long to live.”
“Well, give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it!”
“Ten.”
“Ten. Ten what? Ten years? Ten months?”
“Nine.”
Too Good To Be True!
Mother and I ran by the garden center while we were running errands today, as any right-thinking person would. As I was strolling about, measuring the beauty of the flowers against the high cost of divorce, should I purchase any more this month, a miracle occurred. One of the vendors walked up to me and asked if I liked flowers. She cut me off before I really got started. She lived at ——Jones Street. She’d collected so many flowers she couldn’t take care of them. They were all in her yard and on her porch. Go by and get all I wanted.
“Is this a joke? What if your neighbors see me loading flowers and call the police”
“Oh, that’s no problem. Just take a picture of me and show it to them if they say anything, or tell them to call me. It will be fine.” That sounded reasonable. I snapped her picture making the peace sign and sped to _______Jones Street. The neighbors were on their doorstep watching us, probably wondering why they hadn’t been offered anything. I showed them the lady’s picture, telling them she said we could have her plants. They looked suspicious, but didn’t yell at us. The plants were gorgeous. She’d even started a couple of nice pineapples. I was thrilled to get them when I noticed we were on ______Patterson Street. We put all the plants back, explained to the neighbors, and took off.
We never did find ________Jones Street, but at least we haven’t been arrested, yet. I’ll bet that woman in the garden center is still laughing.
Jolly Funeral Policy
Agents selling funeral policies were a fixture in the rural South. Our budget was too tight for such luxuries, so Mother tried hard to keep us alive. Myrtle Harper sold policies for Jolly Funeral Home and Watkins products. She was a nosy do-gooder who carried sunshine from house to house, dispensing information about people’s financial situations Continue reading
Nutsrok 