Mother accompanied me to visit a relative a few months ago. It was a route I flew often enough to get expedited security. I explained to security I did not want to be separated from my elderly mother. They saw her in her wheelchair, which she always requests for convenience. She immediately put on her goofiest look, which is quite convincing. Starting her Alzheimer’s act, she started firing questions at me and security. They rushed her through. Frankly, I considered abandoning her, she was making such a pest of herself. I was glad when we got out of security and she got back to her normal goofy self.
humor
“Do Not Disturb!”
Had a hilarious complaint from a patient when I was a nurse. The doctor came out of a room saying the patient’s wife wanted us to give her a “Do Not Disturb” sign to put on her husband’s door. We kept disturbing them when they were trying to have sex. Didn’t take us long to get that sign made. You can believe they weren’t disturbed any more than necessary!
Hysteria in the Night
Mother awoke to the chilling realization that someone was trying to break in the house. “Bill! Bill! Wake up Bill! Somebody’s trying to get in!!” Daddy didn’t normally sleep: he went into a coma, but adrenaline jolted him into action. He grabbed his loaded shotgun and crept to the window. In the darkness, a tiny light glowed in the darkness of the front porch. It wasn’t just Mother’s imagination! Someone was trying to get in! Continue reading
Get Your Kicks Where You Can
A senior couple came out of a coffee shop on Memorial Day to find an officer putting a ticket on a car whose meter had expired. Irate the man accosted him, “You Nazi Turd! Don’t you have any respect for yor elders.” The officer coolly wrote a second ticket for worn tires.
His wife jumped in, “You dog, if you didn’t have on that uniform, you wouldn’t have the nerve to face a real man.”
The insults continued on for several minutes, with the officer writing several more tickets till a bus pulled up to the corner and the elderly couple boarded.
Cousin Barbie Gets Married
A few years ago Mother got the thrilling news that her cousin Cookie’s daughter was getting married. When Cookie and Mother were young, they were dear friends, but time and circumstances had come between them. Now the wedding of a distant cousin’s daughter normally doesn’t make a widowed lady in her late seventies jump for joy, but Continue reading
Question
What crop is raised at penal farms?
Baby Blues and Green Parents
We were a good couple. Long before we got married, we agreed completely on important things..foreign policy, religion, life plans. Then we got married. Life was idyllic. We were both in college, working student jobs. Bud had saved over $500 and student loans covered my tuition. Continue reading
Joke of the Day
Two linemen came in after their long day. The boss called them into his office. “Hey guys. I got a complaint from a lady out on Oak Street that you were using some foul and profane language when you were working on that transformer out close to her house. What do you have to say for yourselves?”
“Oh, no! That’s not right!. Joe here was just sweating in a line above my head and dripped some solder on my helmet and it ran down my collar. I just hollered up and asked him to try not to do it anymore.”
Old Wives Tales and Periods
I knew there was some kind of big, stupid mystery even before my “sometimes” friend Margaret Green broke the news to me in the fourth grade. My grandma had started badgering me not to go barefoot and had taken to sneaking peeks at my underwear when she was sorting laundry.
This is some interesting information and dire warnings I was given regarding health care of young ladies after the onset of puberty. My maternal grandmother hissed these warnings at me, though she was hazy on rationale Girls should never go barefoot or get their feet wet after they go into puberty. (She made no mention of how I was to wash my feet or bathe.). I must never bathe or get my head wet or ride a horse during my period. She offered as proof the fact that when my grandpa’s sister was only sixteen, she was riding a horse just before she got ready to take a job as a teacher in her first school. She got caught in a rainstorm while she was having her period and was soaked to the skin. She got galloping pneumonia and died before daybreak. I was never sure if all these variables had to be included for the situation to be deadly. Perhaps if she had been fifteen, walking to her job as a clerk in a store while she was having her period and broke out in chicken pox, she might have escaped with only a few scars on her face.
Also, Grandma warned me young girls shouldn’t ever go swimming. “Never?” I was appalled.
Then she told me of a stubborn cousin of hers who went swimming all the time. “Even when she was expecting! Everyone of her kids had epileptic fits!”
Mother had her own ridiculous rules about hygiene. Hair could only be washed once a week, and never during you period. That was a disaster for us with our oily hair. I’d try to slip around and wash it more often, but she watched us. She insisted on giving us hideous home perms. They were awful! I was so glad when Mother had to much on her mind to to to keep up with trying to enforce all her mindless rules.
Nutsrok 