humor

Maya Angelou

Who is the most famous or infamous person you have ever met?

Under the circumstances, I am so glad I didn’t get to meet Maya Angelou, one of my greatest heroes. It would have been tragic. When I visited my cousin in Greensboro, North Carolina, she took me to tour the campus of Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. We were both in awe of its beauty. Perhaps my cousin was a bit too impressed. As we approached a busy traffic crossing, she almost bumped her car into Maya Angela and two other women. Ms. Angelou was startled and spoke out angrily to her. Though I didn’t actually understand the pearls of wisdom dropping from her lips, I inferred it was something like, “Watch where you’re going, you dumb …….!”

I am so grateful not to have made her acquaintance that day.

My Proud Introduction to the World of Opera (Sorry Pavarotti)

I have been described as spaced out, happy go lucky, and sometimes eccentric.  Suffice it to say, I am uninhibited, finding joy in little things.  Most recently, I was described as Pavarotti but I fear it was in jest.  My husband Bud and I, along with Bud’s cousin were making a little trip.  It was a beautiful, sun-drenched day and my spirits were high.  Mid-morning, we stopped in a rest area.  While “resting” I admired the native stone used in its construction and noted the remarkable acoustics of the building.  I immediately channeled Pavarotti, bursting into an amazing rendition of “O Sole Mio.”  I sounded GOOD!  I waxed melodious for a few strains, till a confused lady walked in, interrupting my reverie, fearing she’d interrupted a insane, transgender opera drop out.  I excused myself and left her musing on the madness.

When we got back to our vehicle, Bud said he and his cousin had had a good laugh.  When they were in the men’s room, they’d heard some man, somewhere, singing opera at the top of his lungs and it actually sounded pretty good.  Bud’s cousin did remark the guy sounded happy.

I’ve never had a prouder moment.

Morning Giggles

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Dumb Laws in Texas

One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.

The Bluebonnet is the official song of the state flower.

It is illegal to sell one’s eye

A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
City Laws in Texas

Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal.

Appearing in public places wearing a “lewd dress” is prohibited.

50 Hilarious Jokes for Instant Laughter

50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark

Don’t Forget get !National Pupusa Day

If this is the first time you’ve ever heard of National Pupusa Day then on the second Sunday in November, you are in for a tasty treat. National Pupusa Day is an El Salvadoran holiday celebrating the pupusa, a tortilla-like flatbread filled with beans, meat and other deliciousness, is now the national dish of El Salvador — a far cry from its humble beginnings as a staple in the diet of early Indian tribes. 

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HISTORY OF NATIONAL PUPUSA DAY

Pupusas have a long and debated history. As of this day, both Honduras and El Salvador claim to be be the birth place of this delicious treat (although it’s more accepted as being El Salvador), with evidence showing that humans have been making pupusas at least 2000 years ago, if not longer. 

It actually wasn’t until 1570 when meat was incorporated into pupusas, making that development relatively recent in its history. Before that squash blossoms, mushrooms, and other hardy veggies provided the fillings. 

From there, pupusas were predominantly regional, and it wasn’t until the 1980s during the El Salvadoran civil war when a large population migrated to the United States that pupusas found their way up north. Even then, they were by and large a neighborhood treat until 2011 when the Guardian dubbed pupusas the best street food of in New York – an important distinction for a city that’s constantly on the go. 

Decent Jokes for Your Sunday Chuckles

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”
      
      The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.” 
      
      “That’s not bad at all…!” 
      
      “Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”
      
      “Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”
      
      “Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.” 
      
      “So why are so glum?”
      
      “This week – nothing!”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”

Man – “That’s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad’s outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150” 

Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”

Boy – “$350”

Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip…

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, “my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners.” The Rabbi says “my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple.” The Islamic imam says, “my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot.” The Baptist minister says, “My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!”

Decent Jokes for Your Sunday Chuckles

Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”
      
      The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.” 
      
      “That’s not bad at all…!” 
      
      “Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”
      
      “Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”
      
      “Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.” 
      
      “So why are so glum?”
      
      “This week – nothing!”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”

Man – “That’s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad’s outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150” 

Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”

Boy – “$350”

Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”

Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip…

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, “my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners.” The Rabbi says “my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple.” The Islamic imam says, “my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot.” The Baptist minister says, “My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!”

Childhood Memories of Food and Family

Bud and I grew up together. He was raised like me, one of five. Like my home, there was plenty of food at mealtime but treats were rare. After school snacks were leftover biscuits, cornbread, or a grizzled flapjack left over from breakfast. Should a bag of cookies or chips miraculously materialize, ravenous kids would fall on it like a hoard of locusts. It brought new meaning to term, “first come, first served!”

Bud’s mom made cookies one evening. He ate all he was allowed before being dispatched to bed. Long after the house quieted, he lay sleepless, those cookies silently beckoning him from the cookie jar. He waited as long as he could stand it before slipping into the dark kitchen surreptitiously opening the cookie jar. Naturally, he was too wily to turn on the lights.

Slipping back into bed, he gobbled his bonanza under the covers. His appetite satiated, he laid back, finally ready for sleep. Moments later, Bud noticed a tingly, ticklish feeling on his hands. Upon investigation, he found them crawling with the remainder of the ants he hadn’t already consumed.

It was the same at the Swain house. I had some dainty little cousins. Their mother constantly worried that they wouldn’t eat. Invariably, Mother embarrassed me by remarking, “My kids eat anything I put in front of them!” Even a blind man could have inferred that by the smacking. It was hazardous to reach for the last piece of chicken. A slow kid might get a fork in the hand.

Anyway, I spent a few days with my non-eating cousin. Still smarting from Mother’s remark, I made up my mind to be a picky eater for the duration. Though it nearly killed me, I turned up my nose at every meal. I even spurned fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy, my favorites.

Aunt Bonnie tested me sorely when she emptied her freezer and offered up the remains of a carton of butter pecan ice cream before she tossing it. Along with her honestly snooty kids, I refused to consider it. I very nearly died of heartbreak as she rinsed the carton with hot water and ran the ice cream down the drain. I fear I would have lost my resolve and eaten out of the garbage if she’d left it in the carton in the outdoor garbage can.

By the time I got home, I was gaunt with hunger, having made a point to be pickier than her miniature children. Finally, my efforts were rewarded. The minute we got home, Aunt Bonnie claimed I was the pickiest eater she’d ever seen. I’d worried her to death!”

I was overjoyed! I rushed into the kitchen and snatched a dried out biscuit off Mother’s stove. I hid under the bed and ate it where Aunt Bonnie wouldn’t see me.

This is me and my cousin. We were about a year apart in age. Of course, I was the big one.

Izzy’s Journey: From Trash to Treasures

My little rescue dog obviously never had a toy before settling in with us. He was a quick study. Soon he was obsessing over them.

When I make the bed in the morning, I empty the bed of his menagerie. He quickly returns them to the foot of the bed. As the day continues, he progressively moved them toward Bud’s pillow and rumples the bed covers in order to conceal them.

I’m glad he shares his collection exclusively with Bud, especially his two favorites, a desiccated round steak bone and a shark rib bone he snitched from the trash. Bud trashed the bones several times, but the keep returning.

Izzy’s collection
Izzy