- “Why did the turkey bring a microphone?” “He was ready to roast.”
- “Which side of a turkey has more feathers?” “The outside.”
- “Is that your pop-up timer or are you just happy to see me?”
- “What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?” “Drumsticks for everyone!”
- “Why did the turkey stand on stilts?” “Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.”
- “What kind of turkey requires ID?” “Wild Turkey.”
- “What did the turkey say when he met the president?” “Pardon me.”
- “How does a turkey travel?” “By gravy train.”
- “What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving?” “Lucky!”
- “What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?” “Turn-key only.”
- “What’s a turkey’s favorite month?” “They don’t have one, but they prefer any other than November!”
- “What sound does a turkey’s phone make?” “Wing-wing-wing.”
- “What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?” “Quack, Quack!”
- “Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?” “He sensed fowl play.”
- “What key has legs and can’t open a door?” “A tur-key.”
- “Why did they let the turkey join the band?” “Because he had his own drumsticks.”
- “What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?” “He got the stuffing knocked out of him!”
humor
Fire!
I was not envious of Bud when I was a kid. He lived directly across from the Baptist church. He’d never have been able to come up with an excuse to skip church if his feet worked.
As was usual in that day, the parsonage was alongside the church. Also, as usual, the preacher’s kid was a rotter. Although there were no kids his age at the Bethea household, they’d made the mistake of tolerating him, so he haunted Bud’s poor sisters. He never bothered to knock, just made himself welcome.
One day, he showed up just as they were taking brownies out of the oven. The brownies were intended for an upcoming social event. Nonetheless , without waiting for an invitation, he helped himself. Finding them to his satisfaction, he remarked, “That was good. I’ll have another.”
On another occasion, he let himself in the front door without invitation, as usual, announcing he had a box of matches. Cognizant it was the fall of the year with tempting piles of dry leaves lying about the yard, one of the girls reminded him to keep those matches in his pocket. Her direction went in one ear and out the other. Within five minutes, he was tearing through the house shouting, “Fire! And I don’t know how it got started!”
A dash of Maxine
Blind Jokes
Blind date. Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the heck out of the dog.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? “That’s the most violent book I’ve ever read.”
What has two eyes but can not see? Stevie Wonder.
What do you call Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis? Endless Love
Yo mama so ugly the local peeping-tom knocked on her door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
Rules Guys wished Girls Knew
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad’s way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think
we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done – but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
The Best of the Best Relationship Memes
Common Sense and the Camper (Part 2)
https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2015/11/18/common-sense-and-the-camper/
One of the great benefits of my parent’s cross-country camping trip was that they had the opportunity to share their cab-over camper for three weeks with two hormone-ridden teenage girls. For some reason, they’d taken leave of their senses and forced my sixteen-year-old sister Marilyn to accompany them, though she could have stayed with either me or Phyllis, either of whom were as married and dull as Mother and Daddy ever thought of being. They sweetened the pot by letting her friend Rhonda who became every bit as unpleasant as Marilyn after a few snug hours together.
In the way of teenagers everywhere, the girls snored snugly in their bunks all day as the camper passed the glorious sites of the Americas. As a result, both were wide-awake and ready to go when they stopped to make camp every evening. At an RV camp in Las Vegas, two young ladies who looked to have complicated social situations dawdled about the office as they checked in. Before, I go on with this story, you need to know, my dad was a no-nonsense “I ain’t worried if you like me. I’m your Daddy” kind of guy. He didn’t put up with any nonsense. He pointed out that RV Camp Girls looked trampy. Though Marilyn and Rhonda didn’t even talk to them, they got a nice lecture just in case they’d ever thought of dressing or acting “like them trashy gals,” a term he often used make a point and make his girls’ blood boil.
They made camp and cooked supper outdoors. About ten o’clock as their evening drew to a close Daddy told his disgusted girls it was about time to turn out the lights and settle in for the night. After a long day of napping, naturally, they dawdled. After a couple of warnings, just as the lights went out, there was a knock at the camper door. He opened it to find the two young lovelies they’d seen at the office earlier in the day. One of them was obviously pregnant below her brief halter-top.
“Can your girls go out for a while? We’ve got dates for them?” they asked, invitingly.
Behind him, Mother and the big-eyed girls waited for him to explode into a vitriolic diatribe at their request. Instead, he replied as calmly as if he had been at a tea-party and asked if he wanted “one lump or two.”
“Well, I guess not, but thanks for inviting them. We have to leave pretty early in the morning.”
Pigs flew and Hell froze over.
Cartoons
Funnies
Nutsrok 