humor

The best of the Best Bear Jokes

One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?

Bear: I get them from my dad.

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”


So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”  
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”

The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.”  he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run.  If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or 
until it catches you, whichever comes first.”  his friend concluded.

The man noted this and they got to the cabin they  had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep.  When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside.  They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.

The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,

“Hunting!  Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”

Slap Yo’ Mama Good Eatin’

I’ve gotten many questions about grits.  Grits are a hot cereal, made from treating field corn with a lye process.  Afterward, the grits are simmered, served as a breakfast cereal with butter and maybe sugar and milk.  At our house, we spoon grits over eggs. (no sugar or milk) One of the most succulent and delicious dishes on this planet is Shrimp and Grits.  If you ever see it on the menu at a coastal restaurant in the South or Southeast, order it, no matter who laughs at you. Be prepared to guard it with your life when it gets to the table.  Everybody who laughed when you ordered will want a bite when they see how happy you are.  Let them suffer!

Another regional favorite is Hog’s Head Cheese. Farm kids learn early,  it’s best not to be friends with a pig you plan to butcher.  This delicacy has nothing to do with cheese and everything to do with a hog’s head.  It is very simple to prepare, for those of you who are already smacking your lips.   The next time you butcher a hog, save the head.  Scald it in boiling, soapy water before scrubbing and scraping off the whiskers.  With your fingers, pry the eyeballs out, taking care not to rupture them. That is extremely disagreeable and makes it harder to get the membranes out of the sockets. You can throw in the feet if you don’t plan to make Pickled Pig’s Feet.  When the head is thoroughly clean, boil it until all the flesh, contents of the head, skin, and cartilage fall off the bone.  Try to let it boil low toward the end, so the broth will be reduced.  Debone, reserving broth.  Chop meat, add large minced onions, about eight cloves minced garlic, 1 teaspoon of salt and black pepper per pound of meat,  three to five tablespoons sage, red pepper if you like spicy.  Add 1/2 vinegar.  Mix in enough of reserved broth to mix till consistency of cooked oatmeal.  Pour into loaf pans.  Cover with foil and cool overnight.  By the next morning can be turned out and sliced for cold cuts or rolled in egg and flour and browned in skillet.  Store covered in refrigerator up to a week.  Freezes well

I recommend you serve it with Poke-Salad, Fried Mountain Oysters, Buzzard Butter, Pickled Pig’s Feet, Hopping John, and Hush Puppies.

Chuckle a Lot

An ancient prospector came down from the hills and tied his scruffy old donkey in front of the saloon.

A smart alek young cowboy came bursting out the door, waving his six gun, firing at the old guy’s feet, shouting, “Dance! Dance!”

The old man danced and dodged shots till he counted six shots.  Then he went over to his donkey, got his shotgun , pointed it  at the cowboy and asked, ” Have you ever kissed a donkey right square in the ass?”

“No sir” said the cowboy.  “But I always wanted to!”

Funniest Stories

Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man “what are you going to do with that…” and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says ” put it on your strawberries…!!!” and the Amish man says ” yah… put it on my strawberries… it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries” and Gary says… ” we put whipped cream on our strawberries.

Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn…the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers… “hey! this cow over here is badly hurt”…”BOOOM” shoots the cow and states… “I put the poor thing out of it’s misery”… the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary…”Are you hurt?”  Gary says…”no,no! I’m just fine,not hurt at all”….

It has been 10 months since we shared a Friday Funny, due to a lack of good material.  Special thanks to Ed Jowers, Emeritus Jackson County Extension Director for sending this funny story to share:

Photo Credit: Scott Sommerdorf

The Chicken Cannon

Scientists at NASA built a special cannon to launch standard 6-pound, whole dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Engineers working on the Bullet Train project heard about the cannon and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a cannon was sent to the Bullet Train engineers.

The engineers were excited to see the results of years of hard work and planning.  They set up the experiment and even invited several government officials to attend that had championed the funding of this project.  They had a grand ceremony with a countdown.  The speedy bullet train roared down the test track at over 200 mph and the engineers fired the chicken cannon.

After the canon was fired, the engineers stood in shock as they viewed in horror at the damage.  The shatterproof glass was smashed to smithereens, there was a huge hole in the control console, the driver’s seat had the head rest blown off, and the chicken embedded into the back wall of the train engine’s cabin.

Luckily this was an unmanned test, so no one was hurt except for the pride of the engineers.  It was as if they were little boys who broke their prize Christmas present.  That chicken trashed their modern marvel.

Immediately the engineers began assessing the damages, took numerous photos and measurements and sent a full report, along with their pages of scientific designs to engineers at NASA.  The desperate engineers were totally dumbfounded and asked for an explanation of what could have possibly gone wrong?  Their email to the head engineer at NASA said, “Please help us understand how to resolve this issue.  We followed all standard protocols and double checked every safety precaution prior to the test with the chicken cannon!”

In just a few minutes, the Bullet Train engineers were shocked by the rapid response.  The head engineer at NASA responded with just one short line in bold, all capital letters:

“DEFROST THE CHICKEN FIRST!”

Best jokes for Monday Morning

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant





I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.





I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.





If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.



I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. 



Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?



Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.




I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied. “That’s not just any old lizard … he’s a stand-up chameleon.”



I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.



Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.




My friend said she wouldn’t eat a cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.So, I gave her an egg.



Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.



Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.



My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right ……. Jack and the beans talk.



I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.



I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.



Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. You guessed it ……… the steaks were pretty high.

Best of the Morning Funnies

one
one 2
one 3
one 4
one 5

money
money
money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”

What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.

What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Lou and Lynn Part 16 Uncle tAlbert’s Riverfront Cabin: A dangerous Family Adventure

Uncle Albert was building his house atop a hill over the river. Actually, he was taking apart his old log cabin and moving it near the river where he was reassembling it log by log with the help of his many nephews. Before he could get to that, he had to have a water well. Even though most people would have hired a business to drill one. Uncle Albert wouldn’t be doing that. He had no money. His nephews agreed to pitch in and dig one for him knowing they’d have to dig at least twenty feet to reach water.

The work had already started when Mr. Al came bumping up. Numerous cousins came running up to the truck calling “Lynn!” Or “Billy!” The children jumped out of the truck, ready to play with their cousins.

”Be careful!” called Aunt Kat, her warning falling on their disappearing backs. She went to join the women at a makeshift picnic area. Mr. Al joined the diggers at the well site.

One of the children had brought his red wagon. “Hey! Let’s take this wagon to the top of that hill and coast down!.” Several children climbed the gravel road up the steep hill, prepared to do that. Once they got there and looked down, Allen, the wagon’s owner reconsidered. The river’s high banks stretched near the bottom of the ride. “I changed my mind. Somebody else go first.”

”We’ll go.” called Lynn, glad for the first turn. She and Lou climbed in Allen gave the wagon a shove. They fairly flew down the hill, Lynn guiding the rattling wagon through the gravel. Dust fogged up behind them. The clattering of the descending wagon and cheers of the children caught the attention of their elders, who were horrified at the sight of the wagon flying down the hill toward the river below!

They dropped their work, shouting “Stop! Stop! The wagoneers could do nothing but hang on and pray for their lives. It turns out, Lynn and Lou got not only the first ride but the only ride. Lynn narrowly avoided crashing them off the high bluff into the river below.

The girls were rewarded with an angry lecture on how they’d nearly killed themselves. The wagon was confiscated!

To be continued:

Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

May I say a word?

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. “Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that means a great deal.” Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Earth.” The widow replies, “Thank you, that means the world.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Being alive.” The widow replies, “Thank you, he would have liked that.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Infinity” . The widow replies, “Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine.” Like Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Fhqwhgads”. The widow replies: “Thanks, you don’t know what that means.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “water pit”. The widow replies: “Thanks, I know you mean well.”