humor

Very Best Cat Memes

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t know a fake bill from a real one.

They stopped at a local convenience store to test the theory. As they approached the counter, they asked “Can you make change for an $18?”

The response came quick. “

What I have learned from my rats

1.  A little pee won’t hurt me
2.  It is OK to steal food off someone else’s plate
3.  If I’m small and cute I can get away with just about anything
4.  If I can fit it in my mouth, it’s food
5.  Lazing around in hammocks all day and partying all night is the only way to live
6.  The world is my toilet
7.  All facial orifices require regular inspection
8.  If I have a dispute with my neighbour it is socially appropriate for me to beat the crap out of him
9.  Sex, food and sleep are my only priorities in life
10.  I must be well groomed at all times

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Simple rats

Not all rats are as intelligent as the rest.  Here’s some terms for describing those less fortunate:

A few sunflowers short of a seed mix
Not the quickest rodent in the rat race
As bright as the inside of a nest box
A few whiskers short of a ratty kiss
As sharp as a dumbo’s ears
The wheel’s spinning, but there’s no one running
Fell out of the rodent family tree
A few peas short of a good dinner
As sharp as a bag of raisins

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Signs your rat has learned your internet password
– by ?? and with additions from me

You find email flames in your inbox from some guy named “Templeton”
You discover flecks of aspen bedding in your keyboard
You’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.yogurtdrops
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.hotrats.com
Your mouse is resting in a hammock in its very own deluxe cage
Your keyboard has a strong territorial scent to it
On IRC you’re known as KingRat (or QueenRat)
There are tiny carpal tunnel braces near your rat’s cage
Your rat suddenly develops the need to sway to focus on things
You find the tools and materials required to construct a home-made bomb in your rat’s stash
Your desktop image has been changed to a photograph of some girl rat called Camille
Someone has run up your credit card with purchases from http://www.vitakraft.com
The stickers have all been stripped from your computer casing

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Ratty Rights!

Just managed to nab your naughty escapee rat?  Caught your bad rat chewing on the rug?  Found your studly buck illegally liaising with the girls?  When you take him into custody, remember to read him his rights:

“You have the right to squeak wildly.
 You have the right to squirm and scratch and bite my hands.
 You have the right to expel your bodily excretions all over my shirt.
 Anything you do or say will be taken down and used against you when you’re returned to your cage…
 where you will plead innocent, we will crumble at your cuteness and you will be offered a yogurt drop.”

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ToDo List
By Dan Wedeking

More of Wedeking’s Rattoons
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101 uses for rat raisins
Inspired by Nat of RatRaisins Inc. and with additions by me

Raisins… rats certainly produce a lot of them, so why not capitalise on their efforts!

Food additive:
Raisin toast with butter
Raisin muffins
Raisin and oatmeal cookies
Raisin chip cookies
Roasted raisin butter
Spearmint and raisin herbal tea
Crunchy raisin salad sprinkles
Raisin bouquet garni – great flavour enhancer for soups and stews!
Gourmet chocolate coated raisins
Cake decorations
Raisin crackles – fun for kids parties!

Industrial applications:
Fuel (Hey!  They use elephant dung in some countries as fuel, why not?)
Wood putty
Fertilizer
Ammunition
Ball bearings
Fishing gear – a sinker and burly in one!
Bicycle tyre puncture kits
A cheap alternative to Blue-tac

Interior design:
Chimes (quiet chimes – just my style)
Collectibles (anyone try selling their genuine Rat Raisins on eBay?)
Bonsai decorative pebbles
Raisin wattle and daub feature walls
Interesting pot pourri

Arts and crafts:
Mosaics (Just add food colouring!)
Raisin crayon sketching
Unique beads for embroidered cushions

Medicinal and cosmetic use:
Therapeutic raisin heat pillows
Raisin mud packs
Ear plugs
Aromatherapy bath bombs

Toys:
Beanie baby beans
Used in rattles
Woopy cushion scent additive
An alternative to marbles

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The top ten reasons why rats love to marinate
Inspired by Nash and the ratlist.

1.  To make themselves all tender and sweet for us.
2.  Pee is a great leave-in conditioning treatment for rat fur, didn’t you know?
3.  Pee is warm on cold nights… ever peed in a wet suit during a winter scuba dive / surf?
4.  Ahhh… the delightful tantalising aroma of Eau de Buck… drives the does wild!
5.  The nest box sauna is great for relieving tired, aching muscles after a hard workout wreaking havoc about the house.
6.  So that their owners will bathe them… they secretly enjoy it.
7.  The moist environment prevents ring tail and dry skin.
8.  Involvement in the Global Marination Amplification Project (a clandestine rat organisation for world dominance).
9.  To attract their owners attention, even if it is only “Euuuuw!  You disgusting beasts!”.
10.  Because they’re too darned lazy to go to the litter tray

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Nurse Memes

#1 

Some Things Never Change

Some Things Never Change

#2 

Spy Mode

Spy Mode

#3 

Long Shifts

Long Shifts

#4 

What’s Sun?

What's Sun?

#5 

Testing Your Limits

Testing Your Limits

#6 

The Nurse vs. The Doctor

The Nurse vs. The Doctor

#7 

Nurse Memes

Nurse Memes

#8 

Not Stressful At All!

Not Stressful At All!

#9 

Work vs. Salary

Work vs. Salary

#10 

But I Just Did

But I Just Did

Growing Up During Farm Life: A Brother’s Experience

When my brother was a growing up, Daddy had him out working all summer and every Saturday, bush hogging, piling brush, whatever he could think of that Bill could do to relieve his own work load. The fact was, Daddy had bought a farm and bitten off more than he could chew. He laid out a day’s work for Bill every day he wasn’t in school.

Don’t worry. Daddy didn’t neglect me. As often as not, Daddy set me to work right along with Bill. The Louisiana heat was and is miserable. Daddy kept Mother stretched to the max going for tractor parts, transporting power saws to and from the shop, picking up feed from the feed store. That left me to get meals on the table, and do “women’s work” while she was on the road. That meant, the house had better be clean and the TV off.

I digress, the point of the story it. Bill had to be working every day. Poor boy. He’d sweat so much even the insoles of his shoes were soaked through. He only had one pair of work shoes, so they never dried. During this period, the younger girls acquired a cute little lap dog. They made him a tiny bed in which he stored his little puppy treasures. Late one afternoon, Bill was recuperating from his labors and stripped off his socks, dropping them on too of his sweaty shoes. The little dog streaked over and snitched a sock for his treasure trove. Apparently it was too rank for him. In half a minute, he was back, returning the offending sock.

Jokes

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

 A man was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat* — he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, he said, “Pardon me ma’am, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off.”

“Not so fast,” she says. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, “He looks like this” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

“Oh no, you horrible man,” she replied. “I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?”

At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, “Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Jokes from Farm Babe: AG Daily

Guest post! Yippee!

Guest Writer Spot

Esthernewton.wordpress.com

Please visit Esther’s blog and follow. I love it!

Hilarious Short Stories with a Twist

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.” “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving.” motioned the monkey.

Share Rate: A Lawyer’s Priorities… One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY BMW’S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked. “HA!” the policeman replied. “You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: “MY ROLEX!!”

The Dolphin Trainer An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my” says the old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.” “Dolphins…”, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. “So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!” “I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man’s forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says: “For the last time dad… I train seals… Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.” Share Rate: A Hell of a Choice An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time. They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell. Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you’ll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you’re free to do whatever you’d like. Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day. The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell. Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says “My Russian friend, Hell wasn’t what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don’t mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it’s no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?” The Russian shrugs: “No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure!”

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/animal-jokes/?jokeid=984

Share Your Best Post: Let’s Connect!

I am perusing my posts from the past.  This one from November, 26, 2015 has the most likes and comments ever! What is the magic?  Is it because we all know the pain of dieting and excel in self-critique?  Thse are funny cartoons, but not the funniest I’ve ever seen.  It is great to see people in their private moments with their mirrors.  We all cherish our foolish moments.  What is your best post ever? It’s ironic that this post required no skill on my part.  Go figure!  Feel free to link.  I often wonder how my friends are faring.  Please link and comment!

diet 1 diet 2 diet3 diet4 diet5 diet 6 diet7 diet 8 diet9 diet 10

To AI or not to AI?