humor

Easter Dress Disasters: A Childhood Memoir

This is me at three. Mother had made this confection of dress for Easter. There is no telling how long she labored over its puffed sleeves and tedious lace-edged scalloped overskirt. I thought the dress was okay but was disappointed Mother made me wear sandals instead of my red Roy Rogers cowboy boots. Mother took this photo with an old-fashioned Brownie camera. I was very impatient at being posed and having to stare into the sun. Sadly, this darling dress was totally wasted on me. It didn’t survive a birthday party when I came near falling in a pigpen. I’m sure these things happen to all girls!

Art by Kathleen Swain

That wasn’t my last Easter wardrobe failure. The very next Easter, Mother got a letter. Grandma was sending us Easter outfits and hats.I still had cowboys on my mind, envisioning a cowboy outfit including a red cowboy hat, boots, and cap pistols and holster. Overwrought with joy when the promised box came, I was devastated when Mother pulled out a fancy dress and straw Easter hat with fake flowers for me. Had “Damn!” been in my vocabulary at the time, I’d have gotten my fanny paddled! Mother made me and Phyllis don the damnable dresses and hats. Again, that Brownie camera came out. While Mother fumbled interminably with the Brownie, our old horse Champ strolled up to the fence and took a bite out of my straw hat bring that Easter fiasco to an abrupt end.

Despite my earlier disappointment over the hat, I wailed like a banshee. Kids!

Jokes

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me.” The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.” The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. I’ve been a driver for 25 years but today is my very first day driving a cab.” “What did you drive before that?” “A hearse.”

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/funeral-jokes/?jokeid=697

Growing Up in a Communal Home: Memories from Houston Part 2

That Barbie led a charmed life, raised by an adoring Mother who felt discipline damaged tiny psyches. While a screaming Barbie was gently extracted from a situation, she’d be pounding Cookie with her precious little fists. Billy and I stared wide-eyed, totally unaware a kid could attack a parent. I don’t believe Mother felt the least concern for the state of my psyche. She’d have warmed by britches in a heartbeat. We’d even get “the look” when Barbie threw a tantrum, tacitly reminding what would happen should we try such a thing.

One stormy afternoon, a thunderstorm raged. We’d been playing the skate/wading pool game on the front porch when we were forced indoors by the lightning. Barbie threw a fit, culminating in an asthma attack. Cookie dragged her off for medication and rest. While she screamed herself to sleep, Billy and I availed ourselves of her treasures. We set our loot up in the half stair closet, playing there all afternoon. It was magnificent having a ready-made hideout.

I believe I had my first encounter with fire ants at that house. I followed Grandma to the backyard, where she was doing some gardening. I saw a huge mound of dirt which I did not recognize as an anthill. Fascinated, I jumped into it. Of course, I was instantly beset by enraged ants. At my screams, Grandma snatched my clothes off and sprayed me down with the water hose. A fast learner, I’ve never been tempted to jump in another ant bed.

To be continued

Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

Real Estate Jokes

1.  A Great Spin on a Classic Joke

Q: How many estate agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None! “The lightbulb is in excellent working order and comprised of a beautiful retro teardrop illuminator, offering original glass and metal features and located very centrally in the middle of the room. Local amenities abound and the property is serviced by a newly refurbished power cord connecting it to the ceiling. Nearby is a tasteful power switch to enable the purchaser to switch it on and off. Leasehold with share of power supply with lovingly improved wattage by the current owners. Would suit a professional couple or family looking for more light.”

2.  A Dirty Little Real Estate Joke

What’s the difference between syphilis and medical office space? You can get rid of syphilis.

3. The Texan Ranchers

Two Texans were sitting at a bar having a drink. The first one says, “My spread is so big that it extends to the horizon”. 

To that, the second one says, “Well, my spread is so big that if I get in my car in the morning and drive all day, all night and most of the next day, I still don’t reach the end”. 

At that point, the first one looks at him and says, “Yeah, that’s what you get for driving a Kia”.

4. What a Catch

I’m getting married to a luxury realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.

5.  Take Me To Your Contractor

What do great affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.

6. This Lawyer Must Be Amish

A lawyer who had 12 children was in a tight bind because his rental agreement was coming to an end, and he was looking for a new home. He could not easily find one because no one wanted a tenant who had 12 children who would most likely destroy the house.

Since he was a lawyer, he could not easily lie about his family situation. So on the day a new real estate agent came to meet up with him, he told his 11 children and his wife to go to the cemetery.

During the interview, the real estate agent asked, “How many children do you have?”

He answered truthfully, “Twelve.”

Seeing he only had one beside him, the agent curiously asked,“Where are the rest, then?”

The lawyer answered with a sad look, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that’s how his agreement was signed, and he was able to rent a new home without lying.

7. ZZZZZZZZ

What does an appraiser’s wife say if she can’t sleep? “Honey, tell me about your day at work.”

8. The Head Hunters

“I need a raise in my commission,” the real estate agent said to his manager. 

“There are three other companies after me.” 

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” 

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

9. The Real Estate Planning Officer Joke

Q: How many planning officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Six! Four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt lightbulb, one to write a newspaper press release praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

Jolly Funeral Policy

Connie and Marilyn's Toddler PicturesAgents selling funeral policies were a fixture in the rural South.  Our budget was too tight for such luxuries, so Mother tried hard to keep us alive.  Myrtle Harper sold policies for Jolly Funeral Home and Watkins products.  She was a nosy do-gooder who carried sunshine from house to house, dispensing information about people’s financial situations

Betty Jones was three months behind on her six policies but thought she might be able to get the money from her mama, now that her daddy had drunk himself to death and Mama wasn’t stretched quite so tight. She shared health information. It’s a good thing, Bonnie Mercer bought that nice policy on her new baby.  She might need it if the baby didn’t start looking better.

She shared all kinds of social matters. Bertha Willis had another black eye Another tidbit: No wonder Phil Parker ran around with everything in a skirt.  Lucy kept a filthy house and her cooking wasn’t fit for the hogs.”

Even though Mother had repeatedly refused to purchase funeral policies,  Mother occasionally bought Watkins Vanilla or Anti-Pain Oil for her headaches, so Myrtle kept optimistically coming by every time she was in the neighborhood.  She inspected each new baby hopefully to see if it might look puny enough to tempt Mother into buying a new policy.  When Connie and Marilyn were toddlers, they sat playing in the shade of a huge oak tree as Mother and Myrtle drank tea. Myrtle launched her latest insurance campaign.  “Just look at those two little gals playing there.  If you bought a policy for them right now, I could get them both a four hundred policy for just a dollar a month.  If you wait till they’re thirteen, it would cost you at least a thousand dollars to bury them.”

Mother studied her babies thoughtfully.  “Well, I guess we’d better bury them now.  I wouldn’t want to miss out on a good deal.” Myrtle never even knew she was being strung along.

Doorbell Ring

https://ring.com/share/7f5d90a7-df84-4ccf-8383-61c2cd04744c

Our doorbell kept ring all afternoon. Follow the link to see our guest!

Lessons from a 96-Year-Old Mother

My mother has reached the age where she has few peers. At ninety-six she is is a generation ahead of most baby-boomers. Several times when we’ve been out to eat, a gray-haired man has stopped by the table and asked to pay for her meal. They usually say they miss their mother.

people of all ages go out of their way to help Mother. Shoppers in the grocery store offer to get things off shelves. Neighbors offer to take out her trash or help in other ways.

Two little boys had stopped to visit Mother, then lingered to visit. She heard them talking outside her back door.

”Miz Swain’s old.” One remarked.

”Yeah, but she’s a nice lady.” the other replied.

”But she’s old. She’s just full of …..”He cast around for the right word.

”Oldness.” replied his friend. “She’s full of oldness.”

Lessons from Childhood: The Connie and Marilyn Story

My sister Connie is seventeen months older than Marilyn.  She was protective of Marilyn from the start, always giving over to “the baby,”. She wasn’t encouraged to do it, that’s just how she was.  Mother was careful not make a difference or favor Marilyn.  In fact, she was felt bad at seeing Connie knocked out of the baby spot, so bent over backwards trying to be fair.

Marilyn had no problem asserting herself. Since Connie didn’t want Marilyn to get in trouble, she rarely hit Marilyn back or tattled on her.  I infer this worked well for Marilyn..  As country children often do, one day Connie didn’t want to take time to go in and wee wee.  She simply darted behind a tree to do the job.  Finding an abandoned hubcap that served as a dog-feeding dish, she squatted and filled it.  As she stood, Marilyn slipped up behind her and kicked it, splashing Connie liberally.  Instead of smacking Marilyn like a normal kid would have, Connie just exclaimed, “Damn!”  Marilyn was off like a shot, looking for Mother,  Connie ,right behind her as soon as she got her wet clothes pulled up.

””Mama, Mama!  Connie said “Damn!”  This was big trouble.  Mother wouldn’t tolerate trashytalk.

Mother whirled around, shocked, expecting Connie to deny the evil deed.  “Connie, did you say, “Damn?”

”Yes ma’am.” Connie whimpered.  Had she told Mother what Marilyn had done, they would both have been swatted.

”Get me the fly swat.”  Mother kept a plastic fly swat hanging by the back door ready for just such a occasion.  She gave Connie two or three quick swats and dismissed her, while Marilyn stood by self-righteously.  It was years before Connie told the whole story.

I wonder if the dogs thought “Damn” later that day when they smelled pee in their dish.

My family:  I am in the back row Left, holding Connie’s hands,  Billy Center, Phyllis  holding Marilyn Right.