As a driver eventually has to, I had to visit the Division of Motor Vehicles. The attendant was surprisingly chatty. We got started talking about awful driver’s license pictures. I loved it when she told me they post the really bad ones in their break room. Wouldn’t you love to see the worst of the worst?
humor
Little Kid Logic
Bud’s four-year-old nephew was a cute kid with a mouth! We were fortunate enough to be on hand when he initiated a conversation with his aunt, a proper church lady. She jokingly referred to her husband Mack as Macky Wacky Packy Sacky. Young Andrew had clearly been warned about his language prior to the visit. The warning was clearly heavy on his mind.
He rebuked her. “ Don’t say that. Macky Wacky Packy Sacky is an bad word.”
“No it’s not.” She said. “It’s a nickname.”
He studied her solemnly. “I know a bad word.”
She didn’t encourage him.
After a minute, he picked up where he’d left off. “You can’t say s—-. If you do, your mama will whip your a—!
#1
When you can’t find a parking spot, you turn down the volume to see better.
#2
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I can say with pride that I could parallel park anything. But, I say with deep shame that I can’t pull into a plain, old, regular spot – head-on, mind you – in one attempt.
#3
My 35-year boycott of Ferrari and Lamborghini is still going strong!
And will continue until they lower the price.
#4
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.
#5
If a car’s chasing you, you’ll definitely get tired.
But if you chase cars, you’ll get exhausted.
#6
What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?
Fjords.
#7
I just got nine out of 10 on my driver’s test.
The last guy was able to get out of the way.
#8
What’s the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards.
#9
The biggest irony is being hit by a Dodge.
#10
What kind of car does Yoda drive?
A Toyoda.
#11
Did you know that Ford is making a new heated tailgate?
It’s so your hands stay warm when you are pushing it back home in the winter.
Sauce for the Goose
It’s been more than fifty years and my brother Bill still has nose out of joint over a little goose bite that he suffered way back in first grade. Hard to imagine holding a grudge against poultry that long. Billy was Daddy’s shadow, making every step he made. Though I was normally with them, somehow I missed this day. Had I not discovered a note very much like this he wrote to his friend, Donnie, I’d never have learned of his misfortune.
On this particular day, Daddy and Uncle Dunc swapped lies over coffee on the high front porch of Uncle Dunc’s place while Billy played with the twins, Fats and Little Boy on the hard-packed clay underneath. Despite the descriptive names, I couldn’t tell the boys apart. The decrepit, unpainted house might have been sound at some point in the distant past, but it wouldn’t have withstood much of a windstorm now. The corners perched crazily on stacked piles of iron-ore rocks, oxidizing to dust in the weather. Chickens, ducks, and geese roamed freely over the yard and under the porch. We were warned to watch for snakes in the shadows under the porch, but a far greater danger was the ever-present foulness left behind by the numerous fowl pursuing insects into the shade.
Daddy called out to Billy, “Son, go get me a pack of Camels off the dash of my truck.”
Unhappily for Billy, as he trotted toward the truck on his mission, he made an attractive target for an aggressive gander patrolling the yard. Honking, the monster pursued Billy, chomping down on the backside of his jeans. As poor Billy fled, the goose hung on tightly and flogged him roundly. Of course, Daddy rescued him, but it must have seemed like it took forever, as the kids and adults all around him laughed at his misery. He came home sporting a big bruise and a lifelong dislike of geese.
Mice Tales
I confess I once committed a grave sin. When my son was in the sixth grade, he had a science fair project. For once we planned ahead. His premise was “Sugar makes mice hyperactive.” We purchased eight white mice, dividing them into two cages. One group got sugar. The other didn’t. John monitored each groups activities for a few minutes daily.
There wasn’t much to watch. During the day, the mice mostly burrowed under the shredded paper in the cage. Some days later, it became abundantly clear there had been plenty going on under that shredded paper. Little mice started slipping through the wires of the cages to cavort around.
Horrified at the population explosion, I shut the experiment down. “These mice have to go! Hurriedly, we gathered up both cages of mice to put them outdoors till we came up with a solution. Fortunately, the babies scurried back to their mamas.
Providentially, a neighbor kid stopped by as we were pondering what to do. By this time John was thoroughly tired of the whole problem. “What are you gonna do with ’em?” he asked.
I don’t know but we can’t keep them in the house.” I answered.
Heaven smiled. “Can I have’em?” he asked.
I didn’t think twice. I didn’t tell him to call his mom. “John, help Stevie take these mice home.”
I hope I can one day be forgiven.
Broken Arm
Grandma lived near the Gulf Coast with my Aunt Cookie, Uncle Riley and Cousin Barbie. The long drive to their house was covered in crushed shells rather than gravel. Apparently, it had just been resurfaced, making it a bit challenging to maintain your footing, especially in areas where shell filled deep holes.
Barbie was one lucky kid. An only child, she never had to share. Her parents had never introduced the concept. Any time one of us approached a toy, she threw a screaming fit. Aunt Cookie and Uncle Riley backed her up, wishing we weren’t so selfish as to make precious little Barbie scream.
I’d never seen so many toys as Barbie had in her toy room. There was no furniture, nor toy box, just wall-to-wall toys, piling up along every wall and extending up a couple of feet in all four corners. There wasn’t a bare spot on the floor. After we’d tossed things around a few minutes, we’d even have the door blocked. A great deal of the time, we’d just be on a treasure hunt, digging up one amazing find after another. Billy would hold an incredible toy he’d just excavated and Barbie would run shrieking to try wrench it from his grip. Meanwhile, I’d unearth another jewel, causing her to abandon her earlier quest. We usually kept her running and screaming till she exhausted herself. Cookie would give us “the look” and hustle poor caterwauling Barbie off for some cuddling and consolation time. Cookie was always trying to stave off Barbie’s athsma, While Barbie slept it off, we partied.
On this particular day, while our nemesis slept her fit off, we prowled around and found a tiny, red bike with training wheels stowed in the garden shed. The hard rubber wheels were barely six-inches in diameter. It still sported training wheels. It was barely used. Cookie and Uncle Riley were wildly overprotective of their little angel and likely hid it after Barbie tipped over a time or two.
Billy, an overgrown eight-year-old, was far too big for the minuscule bike, but he gave it his best shot. He knees nearly bumped his chin as he tried to pedal through the deep shells in the drive.He bogged down as he struggled to move. Grandpa sat on porch dourly watching. “Boy, you’ gonna fall off an’ break yore alarm!”
Billy didn’t bother to answer, just struggled on. Bless Pat, if he didn’t dip into a hidden hole, take a dive, and lay howling on the ground. Sure enough, his arm was broken. To this day, he’s disgusted.
Joke of the Day
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” Continue reading
The Wit of the West: Amusing Cowboy Anecdotes
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
“This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.”
“I see,” said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”
A cowboy was giving a tour of the ranch to a bunch of dudes. One lady asked “Have you ever had an accident?” The cowboy replied “No.” She said “You mean to tell me you’ve never been hurt as a cowboy?” He said “I broke my arm when a horse throwed me, I got run over by a cow, and I’ve been snakebit.” She said “And you don’t consider those as accidents?” He said “No, I think they done it a-purpose.”
“If yer in the corral and one of yer amigos gets bucked off, everybody rides over to see if he’s alright. If he’s alive you start tellin’ the story right away! If he’s dead, you wait a couple days!” ~ Baxter Black
“I speek many languages you know, French, Italian, and Thousand Island.” ~ Hank the Cow Dog
A cowboy is giving a talk to some school kids explaining that everything a cowboy wears has a purpose. He says, “Now, my hat is shaped the way it is to keep the sun off my face and the back of my neck and if my horse needs a drink I can use my hat to scoop him up some water”…..”Any I pull this bandana here that’s around my neck up over my face so that I don’t get dust in my eyes and nose when I’m trailing cattle”…. A little boy sitting in the front row says, “How come you’re wearing tennis shoes instead of Cowboy Boots”? The cowboy smiles and says, “That’s so folks don’t mistake me for a truck driver”… 
An English Gentleman was traveling in the US, and came to a large Texas ranch. Walking up to a cowhand, he asked,”I say, my good man, is your Master about?” The cowboy looked him in the eye and said “The SOB hasn’t been born yet!”
Paul
Marriage Joke
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office. The wife says “I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain — I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist. “Now, shows me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.” “I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy
Nutsrok 