Mike met his badly battered friend Bryan at the bar one Saturday night.
“Faith and Begorrah, man. What happened to you? ”
“Mike McGarrity came at me with a baseball bat and caught me with no way to defend myself.”
“Good heavens, Bryan. Don’t you know better than to let yourself get caught with nothing in your hand!”
“Well, I did have Mrs. McGarrity’s breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it is, but not of much use in a fight!”
Image courtesy of Pixabay
Bud and I compared notes on our sex education back in the fifties. “Oh yeah, I got one sentence. ‘Quit playing with your goober.’ ”
I think I got sex uneducation instead. Mother kept us under her eagle eye. “You kids play here where I can see you.” Should we get quiet while playing, she’d be on us in a heartbeat to breakup any attempts to investigate or “play doctor.” Believe me, we did not get play doctor kits. Despite my best efforts, I rarely even got a chance to peak at a baby boy having his diaper changed. When I finally did get my eyes on the prize, I came away thinking girls were plain and boys were fancy. Mother was so modest that when my brother and I were toddlers we bathed together in our underwear. I was probably in school before I bathed in the nude.
Pregnancy didn’t exist. Women “were expecting” instead, but that was mentioned in whispers only to ladies. I don’t know how men ever got the news. The television snapped off instantly if a woman went into labor. Had to get my sex education the way God intended, from my equally ignorant friends. I learned some amazing things from my friend Margaret Green. She matured early, getting breasts and starting her menses at ten. Until then, it hadn’t occurred to me that the same calamity might befall me.
Margaret eagerly shared her amalgam of misinformation with me. Women got pregnant (not expecting) when a man climbed on top of her in bed and peed on her. The baby breathed through the mother’s belly button. If she was submersed, the baby would suffocate. A girl could get pregnant sleeping with another girl. The baby had to be cut out of the mother. I’m sure there was much more. I just remember the important parts.
I must have been crazy. I went straight to more with Margaret’s wild tales, sure she was lying. Mother was so mad Margaret opened Pandora’s box. She had no choice but to give me the very most basic explanation. I was so disgusted upon learning the mysteries of life. “That’s awful. I am never getting married!” That was fine with Mother. However, I was relieved to find out that there would be no peeing.
I can’t imagine how my mother had five children as much as she disapproved of sex.
Cousin Bobo was footloose and fancy-free, unperturbed by the economic responsibilities of four children in three years. He doted on his child-bride, Inez, living quite happily with her and their family in an old unpainted, farm house on her mama’s place. Despite his aversion to a regular work schedule, he and Inez managed fine. There was no power to the house, so no bills, the wood stove and fireplace sufficing for heat and cooking. The house was abandoned when they moved in, so he tacked wire over the open windows to keep varmints out, shuttering the windows for bad weather. Mama was real proud he did the right thing and married Inez, so she wasn’t about to stir up trouble, especially after the young’uns started coming. Bobo plowed and planted Mama’s garden, later helping get the peas picked and corn cut. Except for the few days he spent plowing, and cutting firewood, he fished and hunted every day. He happily peddled watermelons and turnip greens out of his old ’49 Ford Truck. They never ran short of game or fish. Sometimes he’d help a neighbor butcher a beef or hog, bringing in extra meat. He wasn’t averse to helping family with a little painting or carpentry work from time to time, as long as it was understood that his labor included a few days’s hospitality for his family. He kept Mama’s freezer full. That along with Mama’s chickens and eggs, the cow’s milk and butter kept them going just fine. Getting clothes for the kids wasn’t a challenge. Inez was the youngest of six spectacularly fertile sisters. Their cousin’s hand-me-downs were plentiful. All those little blonde tykes lined up in overalls year round was awe-inspiring. Most of the time, they wore shirts under their overalls in winter. Plenty of old tennis shoes lay casually around, should any of the kids decide they needed footwear. Some even had mates. Size wasn’t an issue. Should a shoe be too big, it worked fine to slide-style and let it flop. The kids weren’t partial to shoes anyway, unless they were picking around in a trash dump with old cans or broken glass. Shoestrings were scarce, but I never noticed anybody really looking for any.
I loved it when Bobo, Inez, and the kids showed up. Mother wasn’t always so enthusiastic, figuring they had run out of groceries and needed a place to roost for a few days. They did seem more likely to show up in bad weather, when a warm house was a comfort. Sometimes they’d stay a few days with this relative, a few with that one, moving one before the tension got too thick.
Mother complained about relatives giving them gas money to help them down the road to their next hosts. I know I saw her slip Inez a little of her grocery money once, after Daddy went to work. They moved on. We ate gravy and biscuits till Daddy got paid the next Thursday.
to be continued
One of the most terrifying phrases to come out of the mouth of a a child is. “My mama/daddy said.”
A mom told her kindergartner, “I didn’t put a lunch in your backpack. You are going to be picked up before lunch.”
When the little guy got to school, he told his teacher,”I don’t have a lunch. I can’t eat at school.”
Four-year-old Hayley listened in on Mom and Grandma. Grandma realized she was in the middle of a story she didn’t want getting out. “Hayley, I don’t want you to repeat anything you hear us say.”
Reassuring Grandma she understood discretion, Hayley replied. “Don’t worry Grandma . Mama talks about you all the time and I don’t tell you!”
From a three-year old boy learning to potty from his dad. “Cool penis dad!”
The same boy exiting the bathroom: “There’s a lot of turds in there!”
My three-year-old son advising his father: Don’t let Baby Sister in the bathroom with you. She’ll pull your penis. Ain’t she rude!”
The same boy to an older deaf neighbor: “YOU CAN’T HEAR THUNDER!” Of course he’d heard this from his father.
From my daughter standing behind a portly lady in line at the grocery story. I gave her a look and shushed her when she tried to comment. The lady turned to walk away and my little one chimed out, “I sure was nice not to call her a big, old, fat lady, wasn’t I, Mommy?
My niece: “Boogers taste like pickles.” I told my daughter and my little grandson spoke to himself, “I like that girl.”
I told my first grade teacher, “My mama said she wouldn’t take a sick dog to Dr. Jones. She bristled, “I’ll have you know my father is a very good doctor!” I couldn’t wait to get home to tell Mother.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”.
The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?”
“No” says the boy, “But he minded his own business.”
The American says to his wife: “Please pass me the honey, honey”
Then the Englishman requests: “Please pass me the sugar, sugar,” to his wife.
The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers “Pass me tha’ milk, ya cow!”
It was mine.
True, but now I miss her.
He tells the judge, “I’m sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving.” The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, “Between you and me, how did it taste?” The man replies, “It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal.”
My mother often said, “If you have kids, you can’t have anything else.” Well, she was wrong. We had a new toilet seat. After installing it, Daddy looked around, stared us down, and threatened. “I’d better not see anybody’s initials on this seat!” Where did that come from? I’d never heard of anybody putting initials on a toilet seat.
I went about my business, that toilet seat and initials, foremost on my mind. I wrote LDS in my “Night Before Christmas” book, LDS in the sand under the big shade tree, scooped up some mud and wrote LDS on the dog house. Still unsatisfied, I heated the ice pick on a stove burner and burned LDS on a green Tupperware tumbler.
Feeling strangely unfulfilled and restless, I couldn’t think of a thing to do. Billy was off somewhere playing with Froggy. Mother and the baby were taking a nap, so if I stayed in the house, I had to be quiet. I slipped in the kitchen to see if there was any Kool Aid miraculously left in the pitcher. No luck. Dejected, I went to the bathroom.
There it was calling to me, pristine in its unblemished beauty. The new toilet seat!!! I sat down, my bare bottom luxuriating in its cool smoothness. I got up, locked the door, and turned the seat up. Making sure no one was looking through the window, I got Mother’s eyebrow pencil out of the medicine cabinet and wrote LDS in tiny letters where no one would ever see it. Terrified, I erased my crime. The finish was dull from pencil smears. My heart pounded! I was caught! I got tissue and buffed it off. Thank goodness the shine was back. Relieved, I sat on the side of the bathtub to catch my breath. A nail fell out of my pocket and clattered to the bottom of the tub. Never has the devil so possessed a soul. Grasping the nail, I scratched BRS, Billy’s initials, on the toilet seat. Horrified, at the enormity of my crime, I tiptoed past the room where Mother and the baby still slept. By this time, Billy and Froggy had gotten back. We were throwing mud balls at each other when I heard a shriek from the house. “BILLY RAY SWAIN!! You come here this minute!” I didn’t need to go in to know what was wrong. I heard “Spat! Spat! Spat!” and in a few minutes he was out, still snuffling.
“What happened?”
“Mother whooped me for putting my initials on the toilet seat. I told her I didn’t know how to write but she said, ‘Who else would put your initials on the toilet seat?’ “
How long could it be before she found the Tupperware?
Image courtesy of Pixabay
I’ve got to end this series, since it is the basis of my next book and I don’t want to give it away but there are so many stories I want to share. One is about a suicide and a mean Christian.
Mrs Rivers was as old as the hills. I believe she was born that way. Widowed more than forty years, no one ever spoke of her husband. It was impossible for me to imagine anyone could have ever wanted to marry her, as unpleasant as she appeared. Still living in the house where she raised her children, her son had built a house on her lot. My mother often remarked she’d be a trial as a mother-in-law as we drove by and saw her dressed in a dark, long-sleeved dress and sun bonnet working her garden with a push plow. I’m sure she refused her son’s offer to plow her garden, because no one would have expected someone that old to plow.
Old Lady Rivers, as she was known, was a practicing Pentecostal, though she attended the Baptist Church just across the road from her house and interfered with its runnings as much as she was able. While she didn’t have a vote, she did have opinions and battered the faithful with them as often as possible. She was the first at services, wakes, and funerals, eager to share “how they took it” and why. Never losing track of when a marriage was made, she was the first to predict should a baby appear to be coming “too soon.”
She was a skilled craftsman of gossip, eager to bear bad news or scandal. In the days before telephones were common in our rural community, it could be a challenge to get messages to people in a timely manner. One sad day, a poor old gentlemen shot himself in the head out by his mailbox. His panicked wife called her son from next door for help. The son covered his father with a sheet, but left the body lying awaiting the sheriff. A neighbor hurried to a local store to call the school principal to intercept his daughter, Alice Fay, a school bus driver, before she left school with a bus load of children. Sadly, they missed her by about fifteen minutes. The principal summoned the coach and together, they hurried to catch up, hoping to spare her happening up on the grisly scene at her parent’s home, not realizing a couple of her stops had been eliminated. He was behind her at every stop.
Old Lady Rivers heard the news before the bus was due. She waited on the porch and puffed her way out to flag Alice Faye’s bus down. The principal skidded to a stop behind the bus just as Alice Fay opened the bus door to see what the excited old lady wanted, Mrs. Rivers propped herself on her cane and announced, “Alice Faye, yore daddy done shot hisself in the head! God help him, he’s going to Hell for shore!”
Alice Faye reacted, as you might expect, erupting into hysterical tears as the principal and coach rushed up to comfort her and restore order to the traumatized children, three of whom were Alice Faye’s. It was a horrendous situation. The principal drove Alice Faye and her children home, and the coach finished the bus route on that awful day. It was a shocking announcement of tragedy Alice Faye and her children could have been spared.
1. DON’T BE ALARMED
Q: Did you hear about the kid napping in the woods?
A: It’s okay. He woke up.
2. THANKS PASTOR
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. “From what I hear about your aim,” said the Pastor, “It’s a sin for you to hunt any time.”
3. TENT VS TOAD
Q: Can a frog jump higher than an average tent?
A: Of course, an average tent can’t jump!
4. NEXT TIME SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three time up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three times up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Why didn’t you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “I did! I fired three times up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”
5. DOUBLE ENTENDRE
Clean Camping JokesQ: What’s another name for a sleeping bag?
A: A nap sack
6. NATURES COLORS
Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
7. I’LL HAVE A NUMBER 2
Q: What do bears call campers in sleeping bags?
A: Soft Tacos
8. IT’S SIMPLE MATH
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”
9. NEW FRIENDSHIPS
A spider was in my tent and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of squashing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Related: Best Backpacking Sleeping Bag Under 100 Dollars
10. AN EGGCELLENT TIME OF YEAR
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love camping autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.Funny Camping Jokes clean
11. AWE SHUCKS
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the lakes’s bottom.
12. AMEN
Two guys are walking through a national park & they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men, and starts chasing them.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
13. DIY HEATER
If you ever get cold while camping, just stand in the corner of a tent for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.
14. A BIT ONE SIDED
Did you hear about the camper who broke his left leg and left arm? He’s all right now.
15. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had six deer.
“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot.
Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”
After going back and forth for a few minutes, the pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest.
Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”
The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”
camping jokes clean 16. PACKING LIGHT
Q: If you have 5 tents in one hand and 3 sleeping bags in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
17. A HIKERS EGO
How many hikers does it take to hike Mount Everest? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”
18. ANTICLIMACTIC
Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft deer stand.”
Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”
Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”
19. SNIFF SNIFF
Q: What do you call a camper without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.
20. MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEONE ELSE
A man walks out of his tent one day and sees a fox in the tree in front of his campsite. Unsure of what to do, he calls animal control. About an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a taser.
The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the fox out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the fox is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to attack anything that falls from the tree.”
The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the taser for?”
The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the fox, shoot the dog.”
Related: Best Hammock Underquilt
21. NEXT TIME JUST SAY HEY
Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?
A: Wave.
22. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.”
23. GON’ FISHING
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
24. PRECIPITATION
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!
25. SHOULDA STUCK TO THE BOOK
A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.
When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”
26. GOOD SIGNALcampfire jokes
Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.
27. A HARSH REALITY
One time an adventurer paddling on a northern river got cold and lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
28. NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR
Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth
A. A gummy bear
29. THE RELIGIOUS SKUNKS
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a bow. “I hope he’s not going to get at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”
30. BAIT AND SWITCH
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.
31. HIDE THE PICNIC BASKET
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.
32. ROUGHING IT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
We just got back from camping on the Gulf Coast. We had fun and I learned a couple of things. First of all, if you think you might fall and bust your fanny, carry your extra glasses. I was standing behind the trailer trying to wave Bud in as he backed the trailer up and Buzzy wrapped me in his leash, plopping me flat on my keester. I fell flat, banging right on my glasses. I hadn’t gotten in Bud’s line of vision yet, so he thought I’d wandered off, as I am prone to do. He continued backing up, but fortunately I was able to get out of the way before he flattened me.
Although the fall did kill my glasses, I escaped. I was worried whether I would have a black eye, but luckily I didn’t. If I had, I would have to have blacked both Bud’s eyes or I would have been ashamed to be seen when we met friends later. I was able to get the frames replaced, using the same lenses. What a relief. I had dreaded trying to get by with just reading glasses till I could get new ones made. I will never go off without a spare again.
Buzzy had a fine time camping as always. We patrolled the camp several times a day. He got to meet new dogs, see an alligator, smell the Gulf, roll in some different flavors of mud, walk on the beach, and sleep in the camper. His favorite part of camping is sitting on the bench seat between us at meals. He doesn’t get a place at the table at home.
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Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Nutsrok 