humor

Girly Girl

I once knew a young girl who was very precocious, not me, I was a rowdy tomboy. This other girl was all girl and craved lipstick, jewelry, fancy clothes from very early childhood. Her poor mother’s belongings were never safe from this aspiring fashionista. One cold rainy day, we got to a relative’s house before Mother discovered my sister, Phyllis (I may as well reveal her identity)had slipped off in a pair of Mother’s good high heel shoes, though of course they were way too big for an eight-year-old. Rather than make her go barefoot in the cold, sloppy weather as she probably should have, Mother gave her a stern threat about ruining the shoes and let her wear them. As you could anticipate, Phyllis spent a few cautious minutes indoors before indulging in a contest jumping off the porch into the mud. Needless to say, the green high heels didn’t fare well. She jumped those heels right off.

About the same time, Phyllis showed up dressed for school with Mother’s falsies in the bodice of her dress. They were wildly askew on her flat chest and caught Mother’s attention immediately. Phyllis just couldn’t imagine how Mother discovered her secret!

Annie’s Fish Hookectomy

We have a nice little wet-weather creek that runs along our property line, cutting through the middle of the wooded lot next door.  My kids played in the creek and in the woods all the time.  They were a few years older than Greg, our neighbor’s boy, so by the time he played there, he had Annie, our Dalmatian and other kids from the neighborhood with him. Sometimes, I think Greg was the only person Annie really liked. Greg got in from school and made his way straight to the pantry, just like always.  He filled up, chatted a while, and took Annie out to play. Before long, he and Annie were back.  “How do you get a fish hook out of a dog’s mouth?” I thought it was it was the lead in to a joke.  “”I don’t know.  How?” “I don’t know. But I was crawfishing with a piece of bacon for bait on my line and somehow, Annie jumped and swallowed the hook, bacon, and all. I just can’t imagine how it happened!” I could.  Annie pranced right behind Greg, proud of the long string hanging from her mouth.  Tentatively, I pulled it.  It was stuck.  Off to the vet.  As you can see from the xray above, the fish hook was imbedded in her stomach.  It had to be surgically removed, along with about five hundred dollars from my wallet.  Annie moped around for three or four days, with nothing to do but brag about her surgery.  Greg made himself scarce, not even checking on her.

Family/Relationship Jokes

A woman awoke excitedly on her birthday and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday! What do you think it means?” 

With certainty in his voice, the man said “You’ll know tonight.”

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. 

With anxious anticipation, the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

_______

An old crippled man was just about as close to death as possible. His family of five–a beautiful wife and four children–stood around his deathbed awaiting the inevitable. Three of the children were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the fourth and youngest was no doubt the ugly runt of the family.

“Darling wife,” the husband whispered, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–“

The wife gently interrupted him, and said, “Yes, my dearest, absolutely … no question … I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”

The man then died, happy that he had finally asked the question that had bothered him for so many years.

After the passing of the beloved husband, the wife sighed under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
_______

A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “”Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”

The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then said, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.

_______

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name–leave it to me.”

Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”

_______

One day, after a long time in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?”, The Lord replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent, she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice

“Sounds great.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”

_______

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

_______

A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday came and went, and he didn’t see his wife. 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

_______

 A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.

 “Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your checking account is

 overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”

 “Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of control.”

 “Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” asked the

 banker.

 “Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue with you than

 with her.”

_______

A well-known couple in the community had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. One day the husband was asked by a business acquaintance to what he attributed this remarkable success.

“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?” asked the business acquaintance.

The man replied, “I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

_______

_______

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

The children all stared back at him in silence.

Then he asked, “Who never talks back to mother?”

Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.

Then Tom asked, “Who does everything she says?”

With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

_______

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

 She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen.”

 “Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?”

 The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”

Grandpa Was a Dancing Fool

When my Grandpa Roscoe and his brothers were young, they never missed the rare opportunity to attend a dance or church social, no matter how hard they’d been working on the farm. They’d work like mad all week to get through in time to ride out to any barn-dance,corn-husking, or hoe-down set for Saturday night.  One fine evening, his brother George was laid up with a broken leg, so Grandpa slipped off in George’s brand new boots, reckoning he’d cut a much finer figure in them than in his old brogans.   After all,  there was no reason the boots should miss all the fun.  The rest of the boys piled in the wagon, riding off into the night, bound for a rollicking good time. This left the sorrowful George at home with Ma, Pa, and the young’uns.


Roscoe danced every dance, not leaving out a girl between eight and eighty, who’d allow herself to be jollied around the floor. His good time was reinforced by the jug he and his brothers had thoughtfully hidden beneath the hay in their wagon. After all, the horses knew the way home and they didn’t have to work tomorrow.  George’s boots were feeling tight, but so was he, so he wasn’t in too much pain right then.  It was two-thirty before they left, long after the last ear of corn was husked, the last girl rounded up by her pa, and the last note of banjo and fiddle music drifted to the rafters.  The boys piled into the wagon, gave the horses their head and slept their way home.

By the time they got the horses settled in and were headed for their own beds, Roscoe’s toe, freed of the agonizing tight boot, was screaming its complaints. Likely, his decision-making wasn’t the best that night, but he got out his pocket-knife and whittled his in-grown toenail, making the problem exponentially worse. He wrapped the agonized toe in a rag soaked in high-alcohol liniment Ma had bought from a traveling snake-oil peddler the week before. Then he propped his foot on a chairback high above his head, and lay on the hearth, before the fire to soothe its throbbing.  Finally comfortable, he nodded off.

Aware of the smell of smoke, and fearing he had died and gone to his reward for dancing and drinking, he awoke to find a spark from the fireplace had ignited the rag on his toe.   Dancing a wild jig, he struggled to rip the flaming bandage from his torch of a toe. Never mind about music or a partner!

Yard Cartoons

Cool Mom for One Moment in Time

From the time my kids were preteens, either Bud or I stopped off a couple of afternoons to stock up the pantry. It seemed we were always low on fruit, milk, bread, and snacks. We encouraged our kids to stay home, meaning other kids hung out there. I rarely met a satiated kid.

One afternoon, I noticed some lemonade drinks that looked appealing. I picked up a couple of cartons, thinking the kids might enjoy them. Boy, was I right. They barely hit the fridge before the kids broke into them. I got busy with laundry or some other tasks while starting dinner. Before long, my kids were having a fine time, laughing and almost acting like friends. When John made a trip to the kitchen and asked his sister if she wanted him to bring her another, I knew something was off. Upon investigation, I found out the truth about California Coolers and really messed things up for them.

Drinking Jokes

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX ENGLISH CLASS WITH ALCOHOL? A: TEQUILA MOCKINGBIRD 

Q: WHAT HAS EIGHT ARMS AND AN IQ OF 60? A: FOUR GUYS DRINKING BUD LIGHT AND WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME! 

Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF SOMEONE AMISH IS AN ALCOHOLIC? A: THEY KEEP FALLING OFF THE WAGON.

Q: HOW CAN YOU FIND THE GUY WHO DRANK A CASE OF COORS LIGHT? A: HE’S THE ONE DANCING LIKE AN ARSE! 

Q: WHY ARE MEN LIKE COOLERS? A: LOAD THEM WITH BUD LIGHT, AND YOU CAN TAKE THEM ANYWHERE! 

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH A SHOT OF WHISKEY ON HIS HEAD? A: A TAXI. CLEARLY, HE’S HAD TOO MUCH LIQUOR AND IS BEING A NUISANCE. 

ALCOHOL DOESN’T TURN PEOPLE INTO SOMEBODY THEY’RE NOT. IT JUST MAKES THEM FORGET TO HIDE THAT PART OF THEMSELVES. 

LIFE AND BEER ARE VERY SIMILAR …..CHILL FOR BEST RESULTS.

I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. ALCOHOLICS NEED A DRINK, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ONE. 

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEER HOLDER. 


I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. ALCOHOLICS NEED A DRINK, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ONE. 

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEER HOLDER. 

IF YOU DRINK TOO MUCH ALCOHOL YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC. IF YOU DRINK TOO MUCH FANTA, DOES THAT MAKE YOU FANTASTIC? 

I DON’T RECYCLE BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC TO MY GARBAGE MAN.

I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC ALCOHOLICS GO TO MEETINGS, I’M A DRUNK, WE GO TO PARTIES. 

ALCOHOL DOESN’T MAKE YOU FAT… IT MAKES YOU LEAN…… ON TABLES, CHAIRS & RANDOM PEOPLE. 

MY BODY IS NOT A TEMPLE…..IT’S A DISTILLERY WITH LEGS. 

Working Things Out With Chris

Chris and Frogs0002
original art by Kathleen Holdaway Swain

Chris was the meanest kid around.  He threw rocks, kicked his dog, stole lunch money out of desks, broke in line for lunch, and was sassy to the teacher.  He had a giant pile of sand in his yard and dared anyone come near it.  All the kids avoided him.

This was a problem for me and my brother Billy when Mother visited Miss Alice, Chris’s next door neighbor. We sure didn’t want him to spot us so we always played in the far side of her shady yard.  One day, we were making villages of stick houses with mossy fields and sandy tracks for roads when, out of nowhere, POW!!  A rock popped me on the head, knocking me goofy.  When I quit seeing stars, I heard Chris laughing, “Ha!  Made you look!”

Look nothing!!  He nearly made me dead!! We jumped up and chased him, but he left us in his dust, fuming!  We had to come up with a plan to get that creep.  We puzzled and plotted the rest of the day.  He was the biggest, fastest, meanest bully around, so we’d have to outsmart him.  We decided to spy on him the next time Mother went to visit Miss Alice. 

We got our big chance the next day.  He glared when we went in her gate, just waiting to torture us.   The ladies decided to drink their tea in the backyard.  Even Chris knew he couldn’t  us get at us with adults around, so he skulked back to his own yard and kicked at his dog to cheer himself up.   We lay on our stomachs and crawled into the bushes to spy on him as he stomped over to where his mother was working in her flower bed.

Chris was even mean to his mother.  He sassed her when she told him to help, stepped on her flowers, sprayed the cat with water, and kicked over the flower pots.  Suddenly, he went crazy jumping and screaming.  When she finally caught up with him, she said, “Chris, it’s nothing but a little bitty frog!!!  He can’t hurt you!! Just stay still and I’ll get him. I don’t know why you’re so scared of a little bitty frog.”

That big bully was bawling like a baby.  “Get him off! Get him off!  Get him off!!! I hate frogs!” We had our plan!

We headed to the pond and collected a few frogs as soon as we got home.  The next morning at school I slipped in to the class room and got to work hiding frogs.  I put a couple in Chris’s desk, a couple in his pencil box, and slipped a really nice one in the pocket of the jacket hanging on the back of his desk.  I barely finished before the first bell rang.  Chris strolled in after the last bell.  All I had to do now was wait.  I did wish Billy could be here for the fun.

The frogs stayed quiet as we all settled down.  I kept waiting for the fun to start.  After a while, I got involved in a story the teacher was reading and forgot about the frogs.  That’s when it happened.   “Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!”   We all started giggling.

“Who did that?”  Miz McZumley was not amused.

“Ribbitt!!  Ribbitt!!”  Kids guffawed!  The class was out of control.

Miz McZumley whacked her ruler down on her desk.  “That does it!  Storytime is over!  Get out your pencils and workbooks.”

You can imagine what happened next.  Two fine frogs jumped out of Chris’s desk.  He screamed and ran in place.  The whole class was hysterical as they chased frogs.  The teacher was furious at Chris for bringing frogs to class.  He blubbered a pathetic defense “I didn’t!! I didn’t! I hate frogs!”  Two more frogs jumped out of his desk, looking for their buddies.

“Then where did all these frogs come from?”  She wasn’t convinced.  Chris got paddled and was sentenced to pick up trash at recess.  I couldn’t wait for him to put on his jacket!!!  My bully problems were over.  There were going to be a lot of frogs in Chris’s future.

 

Maxine